Kids and Health: Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone... - FML

By jbhadafuckedupday - 15/03/2018 01:30

Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time. What he did not tell me was that he had shit on the floor, and when I went into the bathroom to check, I slipped on a turd and knocked myself out on the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 026

You deserved it 422

Dementia or hate? You decide

Our house, in the middle of our street

You just had to be special

By henry feingold - 10/06/2011 04:08 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out in a motel room. Just before we really got started I noticed that I forgot to close the drapes. Once I got up to close them I saw 3 maids and the manager run away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 362

You deserved it 13 007

By Nic - 13/09/2016 20:16 - United States - Orlando

Today, for the first time in months, a potential employer was willing to give me a job. On my way out of the interview, I tripped over and broke a 1000 dollar glass table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 996

You deserved it 1 133

By belladonna1025 - 11/05/2016 18:49 - United States - Mesa

Today, a customer came up to me with a can of ground black pepper and asked me what the ingredients were. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 218

You deserved it 800

By karmafails - 01/05/2012 16:17 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I was at the supermarket when I saw an elderly lady slip on a wet patch of floor. I ran over to help, and I almost fell too before steadying myself. Then some pimply cockmunch of a teen decided to kick my legs out from under me and walk away while laughing his balls off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 189

You deserved it 2 348

By Crushed - 07/07/2019 12:00

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip, just so that she wouldn't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 538

You deserved it 275

By lonely - 25/07/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 572

You deserved it 46 466

By kimmybr - 22/09/2009 09:36 - United States

Today, I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom. Tonight, my husband threw up all over the bathroom. He actually cleaned it up himself, including the toilet. I went to use the toilet, put down the seat and sat down. Guess which part of the toilet he DIDN'T clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 640

You deserved it 5 570

By dumpedovergame - 06/07/2009 10:51 - United States

Today, I gave the option to my boyfriend of 5 years to either quit World of Warcraft of lose me. He said WOW makes him happier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 266

You deserved it 33 779

By RePete - 04/11/2016 01:44

Today, thanks to downsizing and corporate restructuring, I was "promoted" to the entry level position I had 10 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 293

You deserved it 655

A pasting for pasties

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, some bloke pushed me to the floor and kicked me twice in the head so he could steal, no joke, the two Greggs pasties I just bought. He wasn’t homeless either, he had designer jeans and a giant iPhone, and he did it in broad daylight with witnesses. What the hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 54

The lifescript

By RowanBlossom - 07/07/2020 05:01

Today, I found out that my mother doesn’t visit me because I'm the only sibling without children. She posts all about her wonderful children on social media, but I'm left out. She hasn't set foot in my house since I moved out of hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 604

You deserved it 107

By Meh - 18/07/2009 15:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was surprising my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was nude and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 875

You deserved it 8 497

By elcee1987 - 06/10/2015 20:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 913

You deserved it 2 261

By Brinty - 24/10/2009 04:26 - Australia

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 356

You deserved it 3 554

Wifey

By Anonymous - 27/07/2012 02:55 - United States - Covington

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 868

You deserved it 2 511

DIY FML

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 03:59 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my dad told me it would be fine to use the mounting tape he'd bought to place paintings up in my newly painted room. I did, but after deciding I wanted to move a painting and pulling it off the wall, the wall came with it. Back to square one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 845

You deserved it 5 762

By GLX - 02/08/2017 06:00 - United States - Sand Springs

Today, I woke up to the rickety old ceiling fan above my bed crashing down on top of me. I'm fine, however I am now grounded until I can buy a new ceiling fan to replace the one I "broke". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 913

You deserved it 276

By Anonymous - 26/03/2019 00:00

Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 010

You deserved it 276

By jellyybean - 05/09/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 581

You deserved it 5 845

By cdn_steed - 23/04/2011 13:11 - United States

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 907

You deserved it 4 643

By Olihime - 10/01/2010 18:13 - United Kingdom

Today, while playing spin the bottle, my two spins landed on two really pretty girls. The first girl I missed and kissed her chin. The second girl I headbutted and gave a nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 049

You deserved it 44 322

By angrymother - 27/07/2016 01:21

Spicy

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 658

You deserved it 1 700

By Failure - 09/11/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I was taking a final test online that would account for 65% of my final grade. I had worked extremely hard in that class. I had one submission for the test. My roommate thought it would be funny to click the "Submit All" Button while i was getting a glass of water. I got a 13%. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 008

You deserved it 3 463

By Anonymous - 13/08/2018 18:30

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 718

You deserved it 216

Can't wait for the next time

By cowboy_gold - 25/01/2020 05:00

Spicy

Today, I came back to my dorm only to hear my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was just thinking when I said, "At least do it against the other wall," but when I was left later on, he walked by, apologized and said that he thought I wasn't home, and promised to be more quiet next time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 796

You deserved it 475

By Unlucky taxi driver - 08/11/2018 14:00

Today, a passenger in my taxi left without paying. They left their phone, so I posted a message about it from their social media, exposing them. Turns out they'd stolen the phone from someone else. I ended up getting arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 393

You deserved it 536

By Anonymous - 05/08/2009 11:04 - India

Today, I left my brand new iPhone on the counter, and went to get its cleaning cloth. My grandmother saw a mosquito, and used my iPhone as a fly swatter. I now have a broken iPhone. Good news though: no more mosquito. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 753

You deserved it 5 760

By trojan72 - 13/06/2017 00:00

Today, marks a whole month that my boss has asked me to come in early to my part-time job, which makes me pretty happy to get the extra hours. I casually made a joke that she might as well make me full-time now. That made her change her mind, now I'm back down to 23 hours a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 073

You deserved it 925

By Humaned - 13/03/2016 20:54 - Cura?ao - Willemstad

Today, my school is making us take care of eggs for a teen pregnancy awareness project. Ever since we got the eggs, I've had nightmares, and people question why I don't want kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 049

You deserved it 1 719

By DefinitelyNotMyMeds - 22/02/2019 20:00 - Canada

Today, just like everyday, I opened my med box, took out a blister pack and took one of the pills before putting the pack back in the box. Today, not like everyday, I had diarrhea. Turns out one of the packs was laxatives put in my med box by my boyfriend because they looked the same as my meds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 967

You deserved it 283

By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 05:44 - United States

Today, my one-year-old son threw up on the man sitting next to us on a plane. I felt bad and apologized profusely. When I tried to give him money for dry cleaning, he slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 813

You deserved it 3 610

By unwanted - 11/08/2009 20:31 - Canada

Today, I told my mom about how my friend is going to China for a year instead of college. My mom suggested that I could do the same. When I told her that a trip to China is probably more expensive than my college tuition, my mom replied, "Not for a one way ticket". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 034

You deserved it 6 542

By -____- - 05/10/2013 21:28 - United States - Seattle

Spicy

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 219

You deserved it 7 378

By lalibear - 03/05/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 195

You deserved it 7 253

By Anonymous - 01/02/2017 18:00 - United States - Twinsburg

Today, I was pulled aside by my father's new wife and told, "You're not your dad's favorite anymore and you need to stop acting like it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 367

You deserved it 611

By Hunterxx - 07/08/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, my husband thought it'd be funny to trigger the alarm in the house while I was sleeping. Shocked, I ran outside naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 653

You deserved it 7 199

Too Much Information

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 11:02

Spicy

Today, I found out that my cross-dressing father and my recently deceased mother were having a much more "open" relationship then they'd let on, when the sheriff's department finally gave me mom's phone back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 142

By Faithy - 03/06/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, I got flustered because my hair straightener wasn't working. It took me fifteen minutes to realize I hadn't turned it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 712

You deserved it 48 280

Indeed

By Anonymous - 12/04/2021 21:30

Spicy

Today, my mother suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalized. In order to drive him to the hospital, I actually had to find my father, who never answers any phone calls or messages and is rarely home. I found out on the spot that he was cheating on my mother. What an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 152

You deserved it 62

By bunny - 16/08/2009 13:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend humping my stuffed rabbit. I thought he was trying to be funny until I saw that he had an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 173

You deserved it 4 980

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Top comments

Zekfen 17

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Thursday 15 March 2018 1:36

How rude of him not to put up a slippery when shit sign.

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Thursday 15 March 2018 1:43

Sounds like a shitty day.

Comments

Zekfen 17

Send a private message

Thursday 15 March 2018 1:36

How rude of him not to put up a slippery when shit sign.

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Thursday 15 March 2018 1:40

Well he went to the bathroom, he just forgot to tell you where!

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Thursday 15 March 2018 1:43

Sounds like a shitty day.

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 15 March 2018 2:35

Sounds like a ... wait on it... scatalogical circumstance! Nah, not as good as the forbidden phrase!

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Thursday 15 March 2018 3:16

Good boy! Hes got the right idea. Oh wait, it's a human being.

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Thursday 15 March 2018 4:31

😂

LAUGHINGKOMODO 25

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Thursday 15 March 2018 4:35

With kids, there is always a good side. This being, you did not raise a liar. He may have not told you the whole story, but it doesn't matter, because you didn't ask. Hopefully nothing serious happened from the fall lol

Lalala579121 27

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Thursday 15 March 2018 7:24

On the bright side, the child is already learning to omit the full truth for personal gain. He will be a great businessman someday.

Donut_Wizard 23

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Thursday 15 March 2018 4:48

Is there anything worse than being knocked out by a turd?

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Thursday 15 March 2018 15:25

Being knocked out and landing face-down in said turd.

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Thursday 15 March 2018 5:27

Don’t be mad at your son. Shit happens.

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Thursday 15 March 2018 6:05

A very important lesson you can teach your son is to look where he is going. And good on him for going to the bathroom on his own. Now next time it may be on the loo (considering he probably doesn't have his own potty and it was a bit too high for him to get on himself)

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 27

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 114

You deserved it 146