Thief

By Anonymous - 13/02/2015 16:36 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my "best friend" stole almost $1,000 worth of electronics and video games from my roommates and me, just so he could pawn them off and buy himself a new car stereo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 700

You deserved it 3 239

Not so smooth criminal

By Anonymous - 14/08/2013 09:11 - United States - Sanford

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 352

You deserved it 6 868

Neighborhood watch

By TheAnnoyedNeighbor - 03/10/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, I came back home to find that my house had been robbed, one week after my neighbors. I was walking around my neighborhood to see if anything was suspicious, and discovered that my neighbors had put up a sign, reading: "Rob the neighbors, THEY don't have a security system." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 619

You deserved it 3 294

The long game

By Lost - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got rejected for approximately the tenth credit card I've applied for, so I called a bank to find out why. Apparently I took out a car loan in 2004 and bought a house in 2006. I was 13 in 2004. The credit report does not have any records of this. Thank you identity theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 167

You deserved it 2 717

Golden child

By Anonymous - 27/01/2021 19:30 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I found out my junkie brother broke into my home, and stole mine AND my children's belongings whilst we were on holiday. I rang my mother to vent, only for her to blatantly defend him and insist I got it wrong. We caught him on camera, and now I'm being scolded for even thinking he would do such a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 528

You deserved it 110

Carrie?

By Lucy - 22/03/2022 06:00

Today, I faked a burglar alarm to see what my sleeping husband would do. The instant he thought a burglar was in the house, I thought he'd yell out for me and come looking. Nope, he yelled out for his limited edition Air Jordans, and ran into his office to check if any were missing. Priorities, I suppose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 527

You deserved it 1 043

Bang bang bank

By Freerickson - 12/04/2026 12:00 - United States

Today, I learned that you should never take a girl you meet at the club home, even if she looks like she wouldn’t hurt a fly. We had the most amazing sex ever and I guess the edibles we had threw me off-guard. I woke up to find her gone and my house cleaned out. I didn’t even get her name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 157

You deserved it 377

Bystander

By Chops - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was walking from my office to the place I had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner, I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. When I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 375

You deserved it 4 538

Occasional criminal

By Anonymous - 15/08/2023 16:00 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I put my travel cup of coffee on the shelf behind me while getting a haircut. When I left, I picked up my coffee and cell phone. A block later, the barber had chased me down to get his cell phone back. Yep, I had two phones in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 545

You deserved it 297

The Child Catcher

By Not a child hater - 31/10/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, I had to chase down and tackle a boy (around 11 or 12) at my workplace after I caught him snatching someone's wallet and trying to quickly sneak out with it. Now everyone thinks I have something against children, even after I returned the stranger's wallet and explained that the little brat is a thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 558

You deserved it 75

Tea leaf

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Lafayette

Today, I found the purse that some asshat stole from my 15-year-old sister a few days ago. I found it in my now ex-boyfriend's closet. When I confronted him, he broke up with me for "invading" his privacy and kicked me out, without the purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 768

You deserved it 4 032

Embezzlement

By Username - 06/01/2011 07:49

Today, I found the birthday card my grandma had mailed. Apparently, it contained a gift of $100. Too bad it was in my mom's trash can, opened, with no money. She told my grandma it must have gotten lost in the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 649

You deserved it 2 480

Crime doesn't pay

By honest mistake! - 21/07/2023 18:00 - United States

Today, I was humiliated, detained, and questioned by police when I tried to leave a store with an unpaid item. I honest to God didn’t see the item because it'd slid under my toddler daughter's leg while she sat in the basket. The store refused to believe me, even when I tried to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 174

Boo! Get better material!

By Anonymous - 22/03/2022 18:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I recently met. He was quite funny throughout our meal, so I came home and told my flatmate all about him and the stories he'd told me. My flatmate said, "Hang on…", pulled out his laptop, and showed me some videos. All my date's jokes were stolen from Ricky Gervais. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 043

You deserved it 158

Bother-in-law

By disgruntled stepdaughter - 06/03/2013 19:11 - United States - Reno

Today, my step-mom stole over $100 in cash from me, dumped dirty cat litter all over my clean bed sheets, and called me a whore for having a polite conversation with my boyfriend. I confronted my father about it. He told me to forgive her, because she's "on her period." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 663

You deserved it 2 733

From second to third hand

By Olivia - 23/12/2022 03:00

Today, I wanted to sell some Jordan sneakers on OfferUp. I met up with the buyer in a parking lot. The friendly looking lady buying them said, “Thanks for the shoes, bitch!” then a guy come out, punched me, grabbed the shoes, and they both hauled ass. People saw and did nothing. There goes my kids’ Christmas gifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 135

You deserved it 237

The Voice

By Username - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk, saying, "Shut the fuck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 423

You deserved it 4 380

BIKES?!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. Once there, I realized I'd forgotten my bike lock. For fear of it being stolen, I quickly rode home and took my car instead. When I later got home, I realized my bike was missing. Someone stole it from my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 730

You deserved it 6 321

Who'd want that?

By ... - 14/04/2021 17:00

Today, I found out that a burglar broke into my house. Since I didn't have expensive stuff for them to steal, they took my Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 188

You deserved it 214

Opportunist

By Mick - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865 726

You deserved it 95 119

Heist

By Pedro the Basuraman - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 816

You deserved it 245

Magpie eyes

By Anonymous - 05/10/2023 16:30

Today, I spent an hour making my favorite work lunches, then portioning them out so I could have them all week. I later came home to a pile of empty containers. My girlfriend said, "Sorry, I got the munchies. Also, can you please do the dishes?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 105

You deserved it 164

Help yourself

By RedHotRoses - 20/12/2017 15:00

Today, I walked into my office and found my ex-roommate going through my desk. Apparently, despite not wanting to be friends or even speak anymore, he has no qualms about "borrowing" my Master's thesis so he can compare and write his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 366

You deserved it 296

Golden child

By ohhaithur - 26/07/2019 02:00

Today, my mom accused me of stealing $350 from her. She didn't accuse my unemployed brother, who just bought a brand new iPhone. Even after he confessed to her, she thought he was covering for me. My brother has a criminal record for theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 846

You deserved it 126

Creepy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Tobyhanna

Today, I had to explain to my father that when my friends sleep over, it's not acceptable to sneak into my room in the middle of the night and dig through their stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 993

You deserved it 4 519

Best night out ever

By Dopeydancer - 08/09/2009 13:12 - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 232

You deserved it 13 079

Caught in 404p

By bgierczak2 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 828

You deserved it 1 784

Hard times

By psychopumpkin - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 694

You deserved it 7 470

Help yourself

By IGOTIT - 05/09/2013 07:24 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying, "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 521

You deserved it 3 586

GTA

By Anonymous - 05/01/2013 05:54 - United States

Today, both my car and my father's car were broken into. They stole my radio, purse, wallet, camera, and multiple items of clothing. What did they take from my dad's car? Some screwdrivers to help rip my radio out of my dashboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 647

You deserved it 5 318

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The Top

Today, at work, I was fired from my job for being too "forward" to my boss. All I did was get him coffee and a biscuit from McDonald's to celebrate his 15-year anniversary working there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 611

You deserved it 2 038

Today, what started off as an amazing date with my girlfriend ended with me driving her drunk ass home while she sat in the backseat making out with her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 232

You deserved it 11 396

Today, I finally released my first music album. I dropped out of college to pay for it after my friends who liked my music urged me to. They keep telling me how much they love the CD. I've only sold one copy. Turns out they put it on a sharing site so only one of them would have to buy it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 836

You deserved it 15 448

Today, I woke up and the sun was blinding me through my attic window. I have no blinds so I got a poster from my wall and stuck it to the wood on my window with nails. Turns out I have wood rot, and my entire window fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 106

You deserved it 4 793

Today, while celebrating my birthday, my friends hired a few escorts to make the party more interesting. This was a really bad way to learn that my sister is a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 830

You deserved it 944

Today, a friend of mine borrowed my car, drove it on drugs, fell asleep at the wheel, and smashed it. Don’t worry though, he’s fine, but my car was described as a “write off”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 024

You deserved it 293