Animals: Today, while spray painting a rocking horse for my kids I left...

By usafprog - United States

Today, while spray painting a rocking horse for my kids I left the can outside in the sun. When I picked it up it was hot to the touch and I dropped it. It exploded on impact and now I am more blue than the rocking horse. FML

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Animals

Our house, in the middle of our street

And today, on Dr Phil…

Slasher

By Karim - France - Aix-en-provence

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family for the first time. My mother's immediate reaction was, "We didn't know you were gay!" No mom, she really is a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bethlehem

Today, I tried having some girl time with my mom so I could sneakily figure out what to get her for her birthday. All I could think of in the end was a time machine, after her rant about wishing she'd gotten her tubes tied rather than going through the stress of raising me and my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2021 17:01

Desperate man

Today, I have been married for nearly 16 years. I've not had sex in over three years. My wife spends all hours chatting and gaming online with friends, and when she finally crashes into bed, she just goes to sleep. FML

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By Weezylover - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

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By pardon my English :$ - France

Today, I let a friend read a draft of the novel I'm writing. She claimed the antagonist is blatantly based on her, and threatened to sue me if I don't pay her royalties. The antagonist is an ancient, insane goblin witch. I guess I see now how this confusion could arise. FML

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By jnp414 - United States - Bristol

Today, my house key jammed inside the lock, which would've been annoying even if I hadn't been desperately running from my neighbor's psycho pitbull at the time. FML

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By rangerluke - United States

Today, I went to an indoor trampoline park. This would usually be fun, except that I got there, broke my ankle, and left in an ambulance, all before my friends even arrived. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Tehachapi

Today, I saw a man on my bike that was stolen a few years ago. I asked him if I could have my bike back just wondering what he'd say. He calmly replied, "Hell no, I stole this fair and square." FML

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By huntbluntz95 - 18/11/2020 11:01

Cheapskate on the run

Today, I was at work at a coffee shop. We charge 50 cents every 15 minutes of use of our computers. An old man tried sneaking out without paying after being at a computer. As I was telling him to pay for his time, he threw a bagel at me and ran to his car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kennett Square

Today, I was at work, a grocery store, and my manager came up to me while I was on my lunch break. He told me that a customer said someone in the parking lot had been loitering around the cars. I went outside to investigate and saw a drunk man pooping on the front of a car. That car was mine. FML

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By kallens - United States

Today, I was putting a wristband on a little boy's wrist so he could swim in the waterpark. Just before I finished, he coughed all over my hands and arms. I finished and looked up at the boy just in time for us to make eye contact and for him to cough directly into my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Overreaction much?

Today, my boyfriend's mum yelled at me for, "nagging Stephen to get married when he isn't ready." I mentioned marriage once. At my sister's wedding. When prompted by my grandmother. FML

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By knifewow - Australia - Ashgrove

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML

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By TronCat8230

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML

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By Carly4244

Today, I was the Maid of Honor at my friend's wedding. Months earlier, we had a bitter fight, but she picked out a beautiful dress for me and I thought we were past it. When I began speaking, the lights changed to a weird brightness and my friend snickered. My dress was completely see-through. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that I can get my girlfriend to make more sex noises by massaging her back than I can by actually having sex with her. FML

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By rositaleigh

Dad jokes FTW!

Today, my father and I were out in town when a lady walked up and commented on what a great looking couple we were. My dad puts his arm around me and says "Thank you! We've been together for 17 years." FML

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By amiezingme - United States - Swansboro

Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part: he was by himself. FML

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By Hooty - United States - Groveton

Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML

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By kcd - United States

Today, I saw a girl texting at school. I told her she might want to put her phone away before she got a detention. She turned around and I saw she was changing her insulin level on her pump. She has diabetes. FML

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By holla1787 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

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By jack - United States - Mcnabb

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months got mad at me because I thought she was attractive. She has an identical twin, and she says if I think she's attractive, I must want her twin too. FML

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By Teamarie - United States

Today, as I was driving my dad home, I got a text message. My dad, who doesn't want me texting while I'm driving, decided to read the text message to me. He began to repeat a message from my boyfriend recounting the amazing sex we had the night before. FML

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By fuckstudentloans - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

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By Idktbh - United States

Today, when I finished helping a customer, she said, “Thanks cutie!” When I thanked her she giggled and said, “I just like making people smile, plus I bet you don’t get called that often!” FML

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By TheLostCauseFML

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

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By DisgustinglyFrustrated - Argentina - Rosario

Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Russell Springs

Today, I was babysitting a little girl. I let her play with a box of old Star Wars toys to keep her occupied while I quickly went to use the bathroom, and when I returned she was making the 15 or so figures have a massive orgy, sex sounds included. FML

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By noporn4u - 3/10/2020 19:01 - United States - Kaukauna

Big bastard boss

Today, my time off request was rejected, and my boss promptly took the day off himself, claiming he has people coming to work on his house. We work from home. The day in question is my 5-year wedding anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my husband came home from a six-month business trip. When I saw him, I hugged and kissed him. My grandma started calling me a slutty whore, and told us we were a disgrace to our family, while trying to hit him with her cane. FML

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By sonofaneuroticwench - United States - Rice Lake

Today, my dad and I got into an argument, and he ended up calling me a son of a bitch. My mom heard and started arguing with him over him calling her a bitch. Three hours later, I'm now staying at my gran's house with my mom and hoping her threats of a divorce weren't for real. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I have been dating an incredibly gorgeous woman. She had a poor self image and after the longest time, I finally convinced her to seek counselling to help her self esteem. It worked. So well in fact that she just broke up with me because she "finally realized she could do so much better" FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, I woke up after having a nightmare that my girlfriend broke up with me. Needing reassurance, I told her about it. She became furious with me saying that she'd never do that and called me an "inconsiderate fucking bastard for even thinking that." Then she broke up with me. FML

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By shit streak

KoBabe

Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML

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By oh_mylanta - United States

Creep

Today, I went to work to find my creepy boss sitting in my office. I work the night shift, so it was very unusual to find him there. I asked how he was, and he replied, "I told my wife about us; she kicked me out." I've been working there a month. Also, I'm married and pregnant. So, excuse me, "US?" FML

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By noname - France

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

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By Enni

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

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By dreadedmafia86 - United States

Today, I was upset after my boyfriend and I broke up. My best friend heard and told me she would be right over. Three hours of waiting later she stumbles in wasted. She had been at the bar, with my ex, making sure he was okay. For me, I just got a list of all the drinks she had that night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with the cliché of the diamond ring in a champagne glass. Apparently there was an off-duty police officer across the room watching me slip the ring into the glass. He thought I was slipping in a date-rape drug and tackled me down before I could propose. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I dropped my iPod Touch underneath concrete slab steps, and it's physically impossible to get it back. If you stand above where the iPod is, you can still hear it play music. It's like it's mocking me. FML

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Top comments

By brenna805 | 0

#435416 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:04

hahah you can be part of Blue Man Group now!

By Iloveyencheck | 0

#435418 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:05

haha I'm blue dadadedadada

COMMENTS

By brenna805 | 0

#435416 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:04

hahah you can be part of Blue Man Group now!

Giselle468 | 0

#435465 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:12

I guess you shouldn't have left it in the sun. YDI

gorgydan | 0

#435498 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:21

if i was green i would die, if i was green i would die...

imtheman920 | 0

#435564 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:37

I'm sure that's not what the Blue Man Group is looking for.

americayay | 0

#435615 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:49

...depending on the shade.

Awol0612 | 0

#436147 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 6:24

http://www.thisnext.com/show/item-images/610BB601/A48273A5/

KumoFF7 | 3

#436190 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 6:45

Itst actually "Im blue, dabadee-dabadye"

bpack | 0

#436257 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 7:18

Well look at the bright side, you learned how to quick paint a rocking horse.

blehargh | 0

#436576 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 10:57

Nice comment #1
and YDI, spray cans specifically say not to leave them in places where they could heat up.

steveholt | 0

#436581 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 11:00

Yeah, I guess he blue himself.

yougetmecloserto | 0

#436774 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 13:44

Smurffff

pennies83 | 0

#436962 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 15:52

You go Tobias Funke!

tpm45 | 25

#5692639 - Saturday 28 September 2013 3:31

"Green is not a creative color." -Don't hug me I'm scared... YouTube

By 2200dtn | 0

#435417 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:04

Sucks to be you.

Rhowryn | 0

#436460 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 9:43

it certainly does.
Especially since there are warnings on spray paint cans. The ones that specify: Do Not Leave In Heat.

smartypants9 | 15

#5899434 - Saturday 29 March 2014 16:52

SMURF alert!!!

By Iloveyencheck | 0

#435418 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:05

haha I'm blue dadadedadada

tbbays04 | 0

#435526 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:25

hahahahaha

kurato | 6

#2071645 - Friday 11 February 2011 18:32

@3
*inglip face* Gasp, Genius!!!

By chocoLIFE_fml | 2

#435420 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:05

LOL Blue people

4dakill | 0

#436459 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 9:41

can sumone say....."SMURF"

pingpongdj | 0

#436578 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 10:58

SMURFS! they're so cute :D

By davelociraptor | 0

#435424 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:06

YDI for being an ostrich

cheer_leader247 | 0

#435587 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:42

an ostrich?.....

Icalasari | 0

#436183 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 6:41

That was the worst mockery of pointless YDI's yet v.v

By TheLetterZero | 7

#435431 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:06

Cheer up!

By Clairina | 0

#435432 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:07

at least blue is a pretty color...

By pchands00 | 0

#435438 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:08

you could just join the blue man group..?

By yeti09 | 0

#435440 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:08

HAHA that's really funny.

By lady_gogo | 0

#435458 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 2:10

well, accident happens

oldskoolman85 | 0

#436301 - Tuesday 28 July 2009 7:41

Clearly, you're here.

sted_phillups | 0

#440328 - Wednesday 29 July 2009 18:42

Wow, Impressive insult. I'll bet you were up all night working on that doozy. Your parents must be so proud.