Today, my cat woke me up an hour early so I could listen to my neighbors having sex at 6 a.m. My husband died 6 months ago, and was very sick for the previous 4 months. FML
Today, six months after my wife convinced me to open our relationship, I finally scored with a lovely lady. My wife threw the biggest fit in history. Apparently, she just wanted to fuck other men and didn't think anyone would be interested in me, and now she feels inadequate and threatened. FML
Today, the guy from college my sister set me up with told me I'm too nice to continue lying to. Turns out he's one of my sister's booty calls and she bribed him to go on a date with me so I'd stop being so miserable and depressing. Apparently he didn't want to take me out, so the bribe was she'd let him do butt stuff. FML
Today, while having sex with my husband, he told me to put my legs around him, which I did. He then whispered sweetly in my ear, "You better hold on tight spider monkey." This is when I knew my Twilight obsession went too far. FML
Today, after screaming at me this morning, my wife has been giving me the silent treatment. We're trying to get pregnant, but she caught me masturbating, or "reducing my sperm count on purpose" as she called it. I just wanted some harmless fun with some porn, since getting pregnant has made actual sex a chore. FML
Today, I found out just how painful it is to get a cramp in your penis in the middle of sex, especially when your wife is on top and just has to keep going for a few more thrusts because she's so close to finishing. FML
Today, it was my first time with a new boyfriend. We had sex in my living room. He asked if he could "eat my pussy." This has became my parakeet's new favorite phrase. FML
Today, my husband is a pain. He thinks he might be bisexual, because we discovered he likes to have sex with a plug up his ass, and yet when I suggest a threesome or even if he experiments with a guy on his own, he gets this look like I want him to kiss a dead badger. I don’t know what he wants. FML
Today, while trying to spice up our marriage, we decided to get a hotel room and roleplay as strangers who meet in a bar and have a one night stand. By the time I got there, he was engrossed in the football and on the beer. He didn't notice me arrive and when he did, he was too drunk to get the roleplay right. FML
Today, I found out the coworker I was seeing gave me the clap. She resigned two weeks ago and isn’t answering her phone. I can’t blame my wife because she was a virgin when we got married, and has only been with me. FML
Today, I had to hide under my husband silently as he tried to get our 3 year-old son to go play in the living room so we could both finish. Sex is hard when you have kids. FML
Today, I got a new trainee at work. She was the experimental one-night stand I’d had several months back and never called again. She kept making remarks about how excited she is to be working under me again and winking. This is gonna be a long couple of weeks. FML
Today my wife told me she really wanted to have sex, and to wait in bed while she got ready. Turns out get ready means do the dishes, feed the dogs, clean the cat's litter tray, phone her sister, make coffee, shower, and wait for the dryer to dry her pyjamas. By the time she got in bed, I'd fallen asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend dressed as Black Widow in a professionally-made skintight suit for our anniversary and even dyed her hair red. I was so turned on I did something I’ve never, ever done before: I orgasmed in my pants before she even touched me. FML
Today, I found out the rumors are true: my girlfriend is in fact cheating on me. I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that she got busted for sex in a public park, or the fact that they’ve met up there several times to play Pokémon Go. Is that even a thing anymore?! FML
Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML
Today, a friend was trying to show me memes on her phone when I noticed she had a few tabs open. I told her she was draining her battery and should close them. She opened them. Two were sex toy store pages. She was so embarrassed that she kicked me out. FML
Today, I got a secondhand message from my mother to not jerk off so much. I know it’s secondhand because my wife says the same thing. They’re in cahoots and lie to one another: mom just wants grandkids, and my wife doesn’t want a smile on my face she didn’t put there. FML
Today, my new boyfriend told me it wasn’t gonna work out, all because he found out I have tattoos. According to him, that’s an indication that I don’t respect myself and my body, and have “a body count higher than Snoop Dogg on 4/20.” I’m actually a virgin. FML
Today, I realised I had a bad month. Last week, I threw out my back; the week before, my girlfriend got a cold sore; this week, I got chickenpox at the ripe age of 31 years. When I went to bed last night, I found my girlfriend sound asleep with her vibrator in one hand. We haven't had sex for so long, I can't even blame her. FML
Today, my boss noticed some scratches on my shoulder and joked about how I must "like it rough". That's not a problem, we have a friendly working relationship. The problem is that I haven't had sex in nearly three years. The scratches are from my bird's claws. FML
Today, I heard my step-dad hitting my mom, and her begging him to stop, so I grabbed my cricket bat, ran in, and almost brained him. Luckily I stopped in time, because they were both naked having sex. Apparently my mom likes extreme spanking. Eww. FML
Today, my 5 year-old and I walked in on a girl giving her boyfriend a blow job in the washroom at the playground. Last week we found a crack pipe on the picnic table. So many conversations I wish we could have waited for… FML
Today, it's been two years since I've started having agonizing pain during sex, and worse period pains than when I was a teenager. So far, no gynecologist can figure out what's wrong and endometriosis has been ruled out after several painful examinations and tests. FML
Today, in the morning, my wife and I were having hot but silent sex on my futon while our 3 year-old slept in his crib. It was going great until my turn to come when I released a loud, "AARRGHHHHHH". My son promptly got up, took one look at me and his mother's back, then promptly went back to sleep without a word. FML
Today, my brother and I work for the same company, I’ve been here longer, but he got promoted first and has a higher salary. At first I was afraid he was just better than me, so imagine my relief to discover he’s still an idiot, but he’s just been dicking our manager on the regular. FML
Today, I got home horny as all ready to jump my husband, until I saw him asleep in his armchair with his gut hanging out his belt, his dinner down his vest, no pants on, and scratching his balls in his sleep. I’m no longer horny. FML
Today, waiting times in our emergency department were so long that a patient who'd initially presented with just a sprained ankle eventually presented with a sprained ankle and a request to test for STDs because he went to see a prostitute instead of waiting, and his condom broke. FML
Today, I found out my mom had been sleeping with most of my ex-boyfriends. When I was told about it the first time, I took it as a joke. Now I know it's true. FML
Today, my husband asked if we could have more sex, because we spend every day together, but if he wanted celibacy, he’d have stayed single and spent time with his friends. He then pulled out a diary proving we’ve only had sex twice this year. I was completely unaware it was so infrequent. Whoops. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
