Sex

Totally deserved

By Clap - 22/07/2022 10:00

Today, I found out the coworker I was seeing gave me the clap. She resigned two weeks ago and isn’t answering her phone. I can’t blame my wife because she was a virgin when we got married, and has only been with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 203

You deserved it 6 678

Go play with your Lego

By Anonymous - 21/07/2022 22:00

Today, I had to hide under my husband silently as he tried to get our 3 year-old son to go play in the living room so we could both finish. Sex is hard when you have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 115

You deserved it 436

Wait

By Anonymous - 20/07/2022 22:00

Today my wife told me she really wanted to have sex, and to wait in bed while she got ready. Turns out get ready means do the dishes, feed the dogs, clean the cat's litter tray, phone her sister, make coffee, shower, and wait for the dryer to dry her pyjamas. By the time she got in bed, I'd fallen asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 513

You deserved it 1 129

Love comes quickly

By Anonymous - 20/07/2022 04:00

Today, my girlfriend dressed as Black Widow in a professionally-made skintight suit for our anniversary and even dyed her hair red. I was so turned on I did something I’ve never, ever done before: I orgasmed in my pants before she even touched me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 197

You deserved it 630

Good question

By fuck you pikachu! - 17/07/2022 15:00 - United States

Today, I found out the rumors are true: my girlfriend is in fact cheating on me. I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that she got busted for sex in a public park, or the fact that they’ve met up there several times to play Pokémon Go. Is that even a thing anymore?! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 532

You deserved it 222

Close to the edge

By itssomething - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 275

You deserved it 2 823

Nothing to be ashamed of

By Anonymous - 14/07/2022 16:00

Today, a friend was trying to show me memes on her phone when I noticed she had a few tabs open. I told her she was draining her battery and should close them. She opened them. Two were sex toy store pages. She was so embarrassed that she kicked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 004

You deserved it 501

MAI WAIF

By Anonymous - 13/07/2022 18:00

Today, I got a secondhand message from my mother to not jerk off so much. I know it’s secondhand because my wife says the same thing. They’re in cahoots and lie to one another: mom just wants grandkids, and my wife doesn’t want a smile on my face she didn’t put there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 166

You deserved it 533

Assumptions

By InkedItaliana - 13/07/2022 12:00

Today, my new boyfriend told me it wasn’t gonna work out, all because he found out I have tattoos. According to him, that’s an indication that I don’t respect myself and my body, and have “a body count higher than Snoop Dogg on 4/20.” I’m actually a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 431

You deserved it 285

Last Week Tonight

By Anonymous - 13/07/2022 02:00

Today, I realised I had a bad month. Last week, I threw out my back; the week before, my girlfriend got a cold sore; this week, I got chickenpox at the ripe age of 31 years. When I went to bed last night, I found my girlfriend sound asleep with her vibrator in one hand. We haven't had sex for so long, I can't even blame her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 093

You deserved it 265

Tippi Hedren

By Anonymous - 12/07/2022 06:00 - Australia

Today, my boss noticed some scratches on my shoulder and joked about how I must "like it rough". That's not a problem, we have a friendly working relationship. The problem is that I haven't had sex in nearly three years. The scratches are from my bird's claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 174

You deserved it 226

Fight ****

By Anonymous - 11/07/2022 10:00

Today, I heard my step-dad hitting my mom, and her begging him to stop, so I grabbed my cricket bat, ran in, and almost brained him. Luckily I stopped in time, because they were both naked having sex. Apparently my mom likes extreme spanking. Eww. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 546

You deserved it 305

They grow up so fast these days…

By Anonymous - 11/07/2022 06:00

Today, my 5 year-old and I walked in on a girl giving her boyfriend a blow job in the washroom at the playground. Last week we found a crack pipe on the picnic table. So many conversations I wish we could have waited for… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 180

So frustrating

By Anonymous - 10/07/2022 14:00

Today, it's been two years since I've started having agonizing pain during sex, and worse period pains than when I was a teenager. So far, no gynecologist can figure out what's wrong and endometriosis has been ruled out after several painful examinations and tests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 294

You deserved it 133

Scarred for life

By Guess who's back - 10/07/2022 10:00 - Australia - Homebush

Today, in the morning, my wife and I were having hot but silent sex on my futon while our 3 year-old slept in his crib. It was going great until my turn to come when I released a loud, "AARRGHHHHHH". My son promptly got up, took one look at me and his mother's back, then promptly went back to sleep without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 1 912

To the top

By Anonymous - 08/07/2022 22:00

Today, my brother and I work for the same company, I’ve been here longer, but he got promoted first and has a higher salary. At first I was afraid he was just better than me, so imagine my relief to discover he’s still an idiot, but he’s just been dicking our manager on the regular. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 341

You deserved it 129

I'm horny, horny horny horny

By Anonymous - 08/07/2022 12:00

Today, I got home horny as all ready to jump my husband, until I saw him asleep in his armchair with his gut hanging out his belt, his dinner down his vest, no pants on, and scratching his balls in his sleep. I’m no longer horny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 396

You deserved it 374

Have some patience

By Anonymous - 07/07/2022 18:00 - Switzerland

Today, waiting times in our emergency department were so long that a patient who'd initially presented with just a sprained ankle eventually presented with a sprained ankle and a request to test for STDs because he went to see a prostitute instead of waiting, and his condom broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 119

You deserved it 245

Sharing is caring

By Anonymous - 07/07/2022 12:00

Today, I found out my mom had been sleeping with most of my ex-boyfriends. When I was told about it the first time, I took it as a joke. Now I know it's true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 427

You deserved it 141

Time flies

By Anonymous - 06/07/2022 22:00

Today, my husband asked if we could have more sex, because we spend every day together, but if he wanted celibacy, he’d have stayed single and spent time with his friends. He then pulled out a diary proving we’ve only had sex twice this year. I was completely unaware it was so infrequent. Whoops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 2 487

Run for the hills

By SickofhisBs - 06/07/2022 12:00

Today, and every time I don’t feel like having sex with my boyfriend, he audibly jerks off, and passively aggressively moans to try and guilt trip me into doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 341

You deserved it 675

The rhythm method

By Anonymous - 05/07/2022 18:00

Today, my girlfriend has two speeds in bed: so slow that it’s just not exciting for me, or so hard and fast, I can’t physically keep up and it starts to hurt. We’ve discussed our different needs a bunch, but so we’ve had sex every night this week and I only orgasmed once, masturbating in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 187

You deserved it 279

Face the truth

By Anonymous - 05/07/2022 10:00

Today, my husband has increasingly been asking for doggy style, which is not as romantic as missionary, so I asked him why the change. Apparently some of my pregnancy stretch marks make a goofy face and he can’t concentrate from trying to stop giggling, so his solution, flip me over and go at it from behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 260

You deserved it 460

Cougar

By Anonymous - 04/07/2022 18:00

Today, I had a sex dream about a coworker I've known for a few weeks. He's a lovely guy, but is not someone I'd usually be attracted to. He's also 18, and I'm 29. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 321

Anticlimax

By Anonymous - 04/07/2022 14:00

Today, after talking to a guy for a month, he finally came over and I totally thought sex with him was going to be amazing. Unfortunately, I did all the work and I didn’t even cum, but he did, then he had the nerves to ask me how it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 038

You deserved it 433

Missed the signs?

By Anonymous - 02/07/2022 04:00

Today, my husband and I visited a new bar in our city. It turned out to be a swingers sex club. He asked if we could stay and try it out, even though we were easily the oldest people there by about 30 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 179

The state of sex ed

By Jon - 01/07/2022 20:00 - Canada - Kanata

Today, I'm a divorced father, and my daughter is having a sleepover with 5 friends. They are about to jump in the hot tub and one of them is using one of my girlfriend's tampons. This led to a discussion about virginity and hymens. The quality of sex ed in my province is terrible, but I'm hiding instead of correcting them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 337

You deserved it 499

Make it quick

By Anonymous - 01/07/2022 22:00

Today, I miss the days when I was younger and my parents used to at least try to hide all the sex they were having. Now I’m all grown up, they just yell out not to come upstairs for at least 30 minutes, and they no longer even attempt to keep the noise down either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 301

You deserved it 514

Spill the T

By Elliott - 01/07/2022 00:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was diagnosed with female arousal disorder, due to a disability of mine causing low testosterone levels. I've never been able to achieve an orgasm due to this. My doctor said I should just deal with it, because the remedy would make me masculine and I'm a "beautiful woman." I don't even care anymore, just let me come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 180

Fancy seeing you here

By Anonymous - 30/06/2022 16:00

Today, I found a massive tick on my boyfriend's ballsack. I found it with my tongue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 485

You deserved it 229

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 612

You deserved it 4 256

Today, my parents told me they were getting divorced, at the beginning of a family road trip, adding that this'll be the last thing we ever do as a family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 834

You deserved it 1 681

Today, I realized I've lived alone for so long, I now apologize to my phone for dropping it, or even over-charging it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 184

Today, I'd had enough of my ex-husband ignoring me and our son, so I threatened to take him to court for sole custody. He didn't even hang up the phone to his client, he just told me to go for it because our son isn't really that interesting anyway, not enough to fight to try keep him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 260

You deserved it 238

Today, I was at the beach with my parents. They were walking hand in hand, when they spotted a crab. My Dad turned to my Mum and said, "Oh, must've crawled out of my pubes!" they both laughed and kissed. I don't think they realized I was within hearing distance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 959

You deserved it 3 870

Today, while stuck in traffic on the highway, my 5 year-old in the back seat asked me why the man in the car next to us was pulling on the other man's "peepee". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 657

You deserved it 3 275