Today, my boss noticed some scratches on my shoulder and joked about how I must "like it rough". That's not a problem, we have a friendly working relationship. The problem is that I haven't had sex in nearly three years. The scratches are from my bird's claws. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boss asked about the mass of deep scratches on my arm. I lied and told him it happened while I was trying to save my cat from a tree. Truth is, my cat is a sadistic asshole who stalks me and mauls me whenever he can. FML
Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML
Today, before work, I was quickly cleaning when I tripped and the side of my neck hit the countertop, causing a dark bruise. During work, people wouldn't stop giving me high fives for getting laid and I was too embarrassed to tell them truth that I'm not desirable, just clumsy. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML
Today, my boyfriend's dick is broken. We used to have an amazing sex life but because he won't take care of his jock itch, and his skin keeps cracking every time there's any pulling on his junk, I haven't really been laid in almost a year and a half. FML
Today, I woke up with a sore clitoris. I haven't had sex with my boyfriend for weeks, but I did masturbate yesterday. I guess I can't get horny without feeling pain afterwards. FML
Today, I had to explain to my mom that the bruises I have all over my body are not due to abuse, but because I'm into really rough sex. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my husband caught me scratching my armpit with his beard brush. Just last week I swore that I never touch it. FML
Today, at work I was talking to a co-worker about what a slacker my manager was, and how all she did was stand around and talk. She was standing behind me the whole time. I now have sore nuts due to a direct hit from a broom handle. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
Maybe you haven't had sex with a human in three years, but I don't even want to know about what goes on with you and that bird.
SirEnigM0nk 22
I'm imagining her bird singing "WAP" by Cardi B.
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Comments (2)
RichardPencil 32
Maybe you haven't had sex with a human in three years, but I don't even want to know about what goes on with you and that bird.
SirEnigM0nk 22
I'm imagining her bird singing "WAP" by Cardi B.
TomeDr 25
Regardless of what kind of relationship you have, that’s still something a boss should NEVER say to an employee.