Intimacy

Kinda heartless, but OK

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 16:01

Today, it’s been almost a month and a half of no intimacy between my boyfriend and me. To spice things up, I started going down on him. He burst out crying after a couple of minutes because he "misses his sister." The funeral was nearly 2 months ago already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 3 229

All I need to do…

By Dreamblocker - 28/06/2021 22:00

Today, I was having an intense erotic dream. It was going great until I thought, "I hope this isn't a dream." This caused me to wake up. This isn't the first time I've cockblocked myself in a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 207

Put it away!

By Put on some trousers, you asshole! - 27/06/2021 11:01 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I'm temporarily staying at my parents' place because my mother injured her knee and can't walk, and for the second time, I caught my father walking around with his bare dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 260

You deserved it 156

Caught in 4K

By DonDonDon - 27/06/2021 06:01

Today, I found out that sharing Apple ID’s with your iPhone and your wife’s iPad is a bad idea. She might receive the texts and nude pictures between you and your side chick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 192

You deserved it 7 367

Gross

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 15:59 - United States - Cumberland

Today, I confronted my mother because I lock my bedroom door everytime I leave the house, then when I came home, the door was open and ajar. She got really defensive and said it's because she and her boyfriend want to make passionate whoopie on my king-size bed because it's bigger than her full-size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 622

You deserved it 138

From 100 to 0 real fast

By Anonymous - 26/06/2021 07:01 - United Kingdom - Buckley

Today, my fuckbuddy is hot as fuck; the kisses and touches are intense. We went to bed for the first time and I was expecting fireworks, since everything else so far has been like nothing I've ever experienced. He came before we even started. Twice. I have a fuckbuddy that I can't fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 487

You deserved it 438

It says a lot of shit

By Imnotfromhere - 26/06/2021 00:01

Today, I showed up to work with a hickey on my neck and found out my boss is very Christian. He wasted my entire lunch break ranting to me about how the Bible says I shouldn't be having sex before marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 232

You deserved it 364

That one friend who changes once they're in a relationship

By Anonymous - 25/06/2021 13:01 - United States - Thousand Oaks

Today, my best friend and my brother are in love. I've been her friend for 10 years, and she’s an absolutely horny whore. She treats me like shit 25/8 now. If I hadn't become friends with her, they wouldn’t have met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 002

You deserved it 284

Inference

By Canuckboy - 24/06/2021 07:59 - Canada

Today, a few weeks after coming out to my parents, my mother randomly asked me, "Your father and I have tried anal sex a few times, but it hurts too much. D'you have any advice on what to do?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 575

You deserved it 415

Smart guy

By Anonymous - 24/06/2021 00:01

Today, my male model boyfriend admitted to me that he has developed an eating disorder because of his career. He also told me we couldn't have sex anymore, because he might somehow absorb the food I eat, from my body, through intercourse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 305

Frustrated

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 14:01 - Malaysia

Today, my husband and I had a huge fight; I asked him if he could spend a few nights with me instead of his PS5. We haven't had sex in 2 months because he is always playing the PS5 at night till late, and he wakes up late too. This means no opportunities to have sex at night, or the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 893

You deserved it 315

To snitch or not to snitch

By bioloss - 21/06/2021 08:01 - United States - New York

Today, I found out my mom is sleeping with my boss. My dad doesn’t know yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 438

You deserved it 93

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 197

You deserved it 31 141

Not feeling it

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 02:01

Today, it’s been over 15 months since I’ve had sex with my fiancé. We’re getting married next month. Now I'm wondering if we’ll have sex at all on our honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 460

You deserved it 383

Classic fantasy

By I was just curious - 17/06/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend that I once fooled around innocently with another girl. He’s now trying to force me to "explore my bisexuality". Not because he thinks it’s a healthy expression, but he thinks it’s "hot" and wants to set up threesomes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 399

Don't hate the player…

By He who is free of sin casts the first stone. - 16/06/2021 14:01

Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she'd cheated on me with my best friend. I can't get mad at her, because I cheated on her with him before she did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 267

You deserved it 2 045

Under pressure

By Anonymous - 16/06/2021 03:59

Today, I became aroused when slight pressure was applied to my throat. I was having an ultrasound done to have my thyroid gland and a lump under my chin looked at by an old male doctor. My mom was present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 032

You deserved it 171

Caught in 4K

By Anonymous - 14/06/2021 14:01 - United States - Kittanning

Today, my father-in-law decided to "fix" our bathtub and ended up flooding the bathroom. Later, in his attempt to clean things up, he walked, without permission, into my bathroom where my vibrator was right next to my hairdryer. He definitely saw it, and didn’t say anything to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 476

Unhealthy

By Homeless - 14/06/2021 11:01

Today, my now ex-boyfriend was kind enough to let me live on the couch because I have nowhere to go. I have to see the homewrecker he cheated on me with everyday, and hear them have blood curdling sex every night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 416

You deserved it 420

Earplugs, stat!

By Anonymous - 14/06/2021 06:00

Today, my grandpa forgot that my aunt set up a baby monitor in his bedroom in case of a fall. I’m sitting in the living room with his wife - who is deaf - and I hear him moaning over the baby monitor. My grandfather was jerking off and forgot that someone could hear him. I wish I could forget too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 701

You deserved it 147

Know your equipment

By Angelica Zoe - 13/06/2021 21:59

Today, while playing a game of Cards Against Humanity, I had to explain to 3 grown men that there is NOT an actual bone in their dicks. It's mostly vascular tissue that swells and becomes rigid, and a broken dick is when they pop one of the two main vascular tubes, which can cause many severe problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 115

Let's not get too committed

By Just a Bro - 13/06/2021 03:31 - India

Today, it was the third time a guy high-fived me after sex. The other two guys gave me a fist bump. Is this a universal thing, or am I just one of the bros? FML

I agree, your life sucks 947

You deserved it 276

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - 06/06/2021 02:01

Today, I’m recovering from an accident. My boyfriend wanted to get it on, but I told him I couldn’t as I'd had a major spinal injury. He replied, "But you have a mouth, though stop with the excuses." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 056

You deserved it 271

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 05/06/2021 08:00

Today, my mom walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. Later, police turned up because mom thought she was underage. I had to desperately prove to some very angry officers that I met my girlfriend at university, and she’s almost a year older than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 406

You deserved it 194

Not a great start

By anon - 05/06/2021 02:01

Today, after waiting to losing our virginity together, we finally did it, only for my boyfriend to claim he doesn't understand how people enjoy sex, since he found the waiting stressful, the sex awkward and undignified, the orgasm unimpressive and so sticky, he was desperate for a shower afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 548

You deserved it 222

Logic

By Anonymous - 31/05/2021 04:01

Today, according to my boyfriend, it’s not cheating if he doesn’t love the other woman, so if it’s just sex, it’s not cheating and I shouldn’t be upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 685

You deserved it 161

Jimmy Handtricks

By Abandonded - 28/05/2021 08:02

Today, my husband is a music teacher, and I walked in on him on Zoom with one of his female students. He said he was teaching her the guitar. He was naked from the waist down and she was fully nude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 533

You deserved it 209

A teachable moment

By rickshaw rider - 28/05/2021 00:01

Today, I caught my son and my wife’s daughter “experimenting” with each other’s privates. They’re not blood related and they are teenagers, so it’s maybe not too bad, but they’ve been raised together since they were roughly about 5 years-old, so it’s still too weird to really understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 515

You deserved it 225

Logic

By tampon of doom - 27/05/2021 14:01

Today, I found out from a cousin why my older aunts treated me so differently when we were growing up. Apparently, my mom told them that when I was 14, I wanted to use tampons instead of pads. According to their backward, archaic logic, that meant I was sexually active. No wonder they hated me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 466

You deserved it 108

Dealbreaker

By Nico - 26/05/2021 14:01

Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 297

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous My ex Stalker Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, my girlfriend complained that we never have sex anymore. The only way she ever wants sex is missionary, with barely any foreplay. When I asked if we could spice things up and mentioned a few simple ideas, she said the conversation was making her uncomfortable and changed the subject. FML

I agree, your life sucks 634

You deserved it 136

Today, my husband sweetly asked me, "You know what I'd really like to do if I had an extra $4,000?" Expecting a romantic answer, I asked what. He said, "I'd get you a tummy tuck." He still can't figure out what he said wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 955

You deserved it 4 999

Today, during one of my wife’s very infrequent amorous moments, she headbutted me and split one of my front teeth in half. I now have two teeth where there used to be one, and I can see the exposed nerve in the crack. Yes, it’s as excruciating as it sounds FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 445

You deserved it 114

Today, I missed my history exam because they'd changed the day. Apparently they sent out an email to let everyone know. Too bad I'd banned myself from the internet in order to study for the exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 743

You deserved it 9 992

Today, my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. According to him, "I have to fake it, I'd leave if I could. I'm not in love, but the sex is good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 639

You deserved it 4 064

Today, my father passed. He never gave me the time of day for anything, but he was my dad so I went to the funeral. However, 98% of the people there had no idea he had an eldest daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 220

You deserved it 85