ALL FML

By Yimothemage - 20/12/2016 11:26

Today, I was sleeping in my bed next to my dog. I must've bumped her in my slumber, because she went into full zombie mode and bit my face. I now have a large bruise and bite marks on my cheek. It's so swollen that I can barely see out of my left eye. FML

agreeclassic 8 797

vote type 1 1 365

Yimothemage app_comment_confession_title

Yimothemage 1

Thursday 29 December 2016 18:51

Didn't have an account at the type of posting this, but uh hey OP here. My pupper is about 7 years old, and hasn't really done anything close to this before; sure she has growled if you get near her bone, but this was quite a surprise. After she bit me she was a bit grumpy the rest of the day, but seems to be fine now so I'm not sure what caused her to assault me while I slept. To anyone concerned about the bite it's pretty much healed up, can only see a scratch or two left behind on my cheek.

By qld - 20/12/2016 10:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I got sunburnt to a crisp on the first day of my holidays away. Only 5 more days to go now, spent inside, trying not to burn more. FML

agreeclassic 7 256

vote type 1 3 587

By Meetingman - 20/12/2016 08:36

Today, our company did a photo-session for the website. The photographer was limping, and I immediately asked what's wrong with him. Then I noticed he was on a prosthetic. FML

agreeclassic 7 451

vote type 1 2 535

By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 07:28

Today, someone flirted with me. They kept touching me, insisting we should go out sometime, and hounding me for my number. At a family-only memorial service. FML

agreeclassic 8 822

vote type 1 540

By ClumsyBarista - 20/12/2016 05:04 - United States - Springfield

Today, while serving a line of ten customers by myself at the coffee shop I work at, I knocked over a cup of steaming hot milk and it went all over the coffee bar, espresso machine, floor, and myself. I then had to act like everything was fine and make a line of drinks with milk everywhere. FML

agreeclassic 7 996

vote type 1 1 063

By ccat209 - 20/12/2016 04:05 - United States - Riverton

Today, my parents finally realized that I've been sneaking vodka when they weren't home. Note to self: don't let them freeze vodka that's actually 75% water. FML

agreeclassic 3 680

vote type 1 9 069

By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 04:02 - United States - Bend

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

agreeclassic 8 373

vote type 1 765

Good one, dude

By poop hands - 20/12/2016 03:50 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, working as a CNA, my nurse convinced me that in order to collect a stool sample, you had to have the patient take a dump in your hand. I only found out he was kidding after I collected the sample. FML

agreeclassic 8 005

vote type 1 5 075

By madeline9322 - 20/12/2016 03:15 - Canada

Today, the lack of heating in my room has gotten to the point where I have to cuddle my clothes for the next day at night so they're not freezing when I wake up. FML

agreeclassic 8 597

vote type 1 795

By Me - 20/12/2016 01:40 - United States - Canyon Lake

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

agreeclassic 8 952

vote type 1 1 219

Help yourself

By meghandix89 - 20/12/2016 01:35 - United States

Today, my aunt asked me to have my 13-year-old autistic cousin stay over for the night. When he got here, he told me his mom forgot his Vaseline, and asked if I'd be a dear and go get some for him. His mom informed me that he uses it to masturbate. FML

agreeclassic 9 868

vote type 1 758

By Kpotassium - 19/12/2016 21:58 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML

agreeclassic 7 124

vote type 1 1 079

By nixwolfwood - 19/12/2016 21:14

Today, I woke up to a fog. Literally. A pipe burst in my apartment and scalding water was everywhere. To make matters worse, when I called maintenance he told me he'd come by later, hung up on me, and turned his phone off. He did eventually show up, but it was 5 hours later, well after I'd paid a plumber $200. FML

agreeclassic 7 506

vote type 1 535

By WiseGuy0481 - 19/12/2016 20:18 - United States

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend leaving a store. She used to ridicule me for not making much money, but I now have a good job and a BMW. Trying to show off, I cranked up the music and drove by. She looked up right as I hit a car backing out of its parking space. FML

agreeclassic 4 578

vote type 1 11 352

WiseGuy0481 app_comment_confession_title

WiseGuy0481 3

Monday 26 December 2016 0:34

When we were together it was constant comments about how I was barely staying afloat and "how could I take care of her if I could barely take care of myself?". I was trying everything I could to make her happy but she would not let it go. It ended up being part of the reason we split. That was almost a year ago. I now work for a great company and make really good money. I just bought my car last month. I see her coming out of the store and all those talks came shooting back into my head. I just wanted her to see me happy and doing well....ok I wanted her to feel dumb and regret splitting up. Nevertheless I blared the music and slowly rolled right into a car backing out. Luckily it barely scratched it. I saw no regret in her eyes, laughter yes, regret no. So yes I deserved it. Karma sucks.

Crushed

By beanpole - 19/12/2016 19:34 - Canada - Canning

Today, I had to cancel plans to go to the movies with the guy I've had a crush on for months due to a sudden case of the flu. This was already rescheduled from yesterday, when I had to cancel due to bad weather (after he had already left home). He thinks that I'm just making excuses not to see him. FML

agreeclassic 7 173

vote type 1 1 188

By no spare - 19/12/2016 19:22 - United States - Marquette

Today, I woke up to find out that the two front tires on our van were flat. Now we won't have a vehicle all week since the tire shop is booked solid. We just went through this with the rear tires two weeks ago. FML

agreeclassic 6 133

vote type 1 751

By UGH! - 19/12/2016 18:21 - Canada

Today, I slid into a seat in a very busy foodcourt that was jam packed full of seniors at the mall. It was the only seat available, so I was quick to jump into it. It was soaked with urine. FML

agreeclassic 7 193

vote type 1 1 059

By Nick M - 19/12/2016 17:49

Today, my 18th birthday, I woke up vomiting with a temperature of 104 degrees. After I settled back in bed with some water, my mom said, "This is how you're supposed to feel on your 21st birthday, not your 18th." FML

agreeclassic 7 275

vote type 1 761

I'm not paid enough for this shit

By FabFor87 - 19/12/2016 16:15 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, my boss asked me to send an email on his behalf with an important report attached. I've already received 3 responses from directors commenting on poor spelling and factual errors. I get paid 1/4 the salary of my boss and he can't even write properly. FML

agreeclassic 6 794

vote type 1 541

By stk - 19/12/2016 12:56 - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up at 3am to catch my flight back home, only to realize that my flight was pushed back 14 hours. FML

agreeclassic 6 723

vote type 1 503

By Andy - 19/12/2016 12:38

Today, on my Facebook newsfeed, I noticed a photo of a coworker. In the comment section of the photo he and his wife had written "I love you" to each other. As a joke I commented "get a room". Turns out the woman with the same surname as my coworker wasn't in fact his wife, but his daughter. FML

agreeclassic 3 901

vote type 1 6 270

Double trouble

By Tom Riddle - 19/12/2016 12:24 - Philippines

Today, I was about to go out and get some groceries, but the moment I slammed the door I realized my keys were still inside. My inner caveman instincts told me to immediately break down the door, so now I have to get a doorknob replacement instead of food. FML

agreeclassic 5 367

vote type 1 2 339

By Michael292 - 19/12/2016 06:33 - South Africa - Pietermaritzburg

Today, after recently getting stitches removed due to a surfing accident, I had to go to the hospital again to have my eye stitched up due to an idiot who brought a surfboard to a pool, got on it outside the pool, and it slipped from under him and into my face. FML

agreeclassic 8 956

vote type 1 700

Michael292 app_comment_confession_title

Michael292 0

Tuesday 20 December 2016 11:13

Life is good, life is great, life is full of stitches...

By socialbanana - 19/12/2016 02:13 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after getting up at 6 a.m., fighting with the dogs to wipe their paws off from the snow, and having to wait for a moving truck to move so I could get to work by 8, I got a call from my boss saying we were closed due to weather. It was 8:15. I was already there. FML

agreeclassic 8 677

vote type 1 710

By sad associate - 19/12/2016 01:51 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

agreeclassic 5 863

vote type 1 1 429

Kitchen nightmare

By not chicken spaghetti - 18/12/2016 23:58 - United States - Clarksville

Today, while cooking supper with my boyfriend, we both smelled something funny. He tasted the sauce I was making, then asked me to taste it because something was off. I guess the burned Teflon of our cheap pot mixed with Ro-Tel just doesn't work that well. Now we're having dry chicken and plain noodles. FML

agreeclassic 5 834

vote type 1 691

By Anonymous - 18/12/2016 14:55 - United States - Harbor City

Today, my 70-year-old boss asked me to order sexy lingerie she saw on the cover a magazine. FML

agreeclassic 7 313

vote type 1 630

By PJSandWitch - 18/12/2016 14:49 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I woke up super early to get ready for a wedding an hour away. I'm a bridesmaid, and also 8 months pregnant. The dress that fit me perfectly 3 days ago won't fit anymore. FML

agreeclassic 7 683

vote type 1 718

PJSandWitch app_comment_confession_title

PJSandWitch 3

Friday 23 December 2016 19:47

OP here! Happy it got posted! It wasn't a custom made dress, most brides in Brazil prefer that the bridesmaids are not all matching. I had a really hard time finding something that I could wear, and that dress was the only formal dress with belly space I could find. I tried it on with a pillow when I bought it a few months ago! 3 days before it fit perfectly, I was shocked how bigger I had gotten in just 3 days! In the end I made it work, just couldn't breath so easily. After the ceremony, I opened the zipper a little and put a jacket on, so I was comfortable!

By Ihavelike3bucks - 18/12/2016 13:51

Today, when calling out of work, I was told by my boss that I was "full of shit" before he hung up. I actually am. I haven't pooped in almost four days. FML

agreeclassic 6 742

vote type 1 633

Ihavelike3bucks app_comment_confession_title

Ihavelike3bucks 3

Friday 23 December 2016 19:16

Of course out of all the FMLs I've submitted through the years - this is the one that went through. Anyway, I'm better now! On top of that, I got hit with the flu like a truck. No laxatives, stool softeners, magnesium, enemas, etc helped and between that circle of hell I ended up going to the ER. Ended up literally tearing myself a new one with an anal fissure. I've never been constipated before so this was awful. Oh also my first day back, our entire building was shut down and we all were laid off. Happy Holidays everyone!

By brunette16 - 18/12/2016 08:52 - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident with a guy who didn't have a front license plate. Too bad it was a hit-and-run, as the cop said the footage was good enough that if he had had a license there, we could have gotten him. FML

agreeclassic 6 943

vote type 1 410

brunette16 app_comment_confession_title

brunette16 3

Saturday 24 December 2016 20:45

Hey guys OP here! Unfortunately I live in Texas and license plates are required on both front and back of vehicles :( He was driving illegally hence why he hit me and took off, the cop also said he was texting since I was parked whenever he hit my car, the trunk is dented in from the back and top is caved since he was driving a lifted SUV and I can no longer open it without causing further damage Thanks for the concern, i am fine ?