Animals and Health: Today, in spite of 2 different types of bug spray, underwear,... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 271

You deserved it 35

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 135

28/09/2018 13:30

Today, in spite of 2 different types of bug spray, underwear, and jeans, I discovered not one, but two mosquito bites on my vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 545

You deserved it 215

Batman

Sorry…

Late term

04/08/2011 04:04

Spicy

Today, while stuck in traffic on the highway, my 5 year old in the back seat asked me why the man in the car next to us was pulling on the other man's "peepee". FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 471

You deserved it 3 237

21/11/2013 17:52

Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 442

You deserved it 3 339

But mah freedumbs!

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 10:23

Today, I was screamed at and told that I was denying someone's "second amendment" by not letting him through with a gun. I work at the border; he was trying to enter Canada. This is not the first time, and it probably won't be the last. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 900

You deserved it 5 249

26/03/2010 01:50

Spicy

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house. She had promised me we'd get it on so I couldn't wait. When I got there, I didn't get it on. Instead, I got a list of reasons why I make her depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 432

You deserved it 25 203

Revenge is rarely satisfactory

By forgettable - 21/06/2020 20:08

Today, I wanted to rub my success in my ex's face to get her back for breaking my heart. I typed the perfect email, included every detail of opening my own business, buying my own home and cleverly intertwined insults. A few hours later, she replied, "That’s nice. Who’s this?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 515

You deserved it 3 738

Thanks ma

By 1940s wants their attitude back - 29/09/2020 20:01

Today, I excitedly told my mom how I got accepted to the master’s program of my dreams. She decided now would be a good time to proudly repeat for the millionth time how she gave up a full ride to the Ivy League to marry my father, and I ought to be a "good woman" and do the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 608

You deserved it 170

04/06/2011 00:41

Spicy

Today, my mom looked through my browser history and saw Chatroulette. She thought I'd gotten into online gambling, and wouldn't believe me when I explained what it really was. After I insisted on showing her, the first chat window to open contained cocks as far as the eye could see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 110

You deserved it 42 278

01/05/2012 05:14

Today, I got some spam stating that I'd have no love life in the coming 10 years if I didn't reply to it. So, no different to the last 10 years then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 409

You deserved it 2 875

11/02/2012 06:36

Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 194

You deserved it 47 202

26/09/2017 13:00

Today, my boss installed a comment box for anonymous suggestions on how to improve the workplace. So far, I've received 5 notes from my employees requesting that I be fired or replaced by a hotter woman as it's the best way to improve the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 303

You deserved it 239

29/10/2010 05:22

Today, I had a serious conversation with my dad about my brother and I. It started with, "I love you", and ended with, "You and your brother were mistakes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 062

You deserved it 2 824

23/02/2015 20:49

Today, my wedding venue called and canceled our reservation because we were double booked with a spaghetti bingo night, which they felt was more important. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 518

You deserved it 2 950

16/02/2011 18:53

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 022

You deserved it 4 393

03/05/2016 13:20

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 734

You deserved it 2 100

Better safe

By stretchy - 06/05/2013 19:58

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend forced me to do stretching exercises with him before and after sex as a "safety precaution". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 523

You deserved it 9 305

29/06/2013 22:52

Today, I found the purse that some asshat stole from my 15-year-old sister a few days ago. I found it in my now ex-boyfriend's closet. When I confronted him, he broke up with me for "invading" his privacy and kicked me out, without the purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 194

You deserved it 3 899

13/05/2009 23:26

Today, I was wearing my new sunglasses while watching a basketball game. A pretty hot looking girl was sitting a few spots next to me so I stared at her breasts. A few minutes later, I looked up at her face and she was looking at me in disgust. It turns out that my sunglasses were see through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 251

You deserved it 91 792

11/03/2014 18:51

Today, I had to explain to my husband that it's biologically impossible for cats and dogs to cross-breed, and that his "brilliant idea" of getting ours to mate is just plain disturbing. He still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 906

You deserved it 4 349

25/06/2009 22:18

Today, a man from across the bar looked at me, pointed and said "MMMM, now THAT'S what I want." Offended, I confronted him to tell him I felt disrespected by him referring to me as 'that.' Turns out, he was pointing to the cheeseburger that the waitress behind me was holding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 873

You deserved it 54 576

Rage Quit

By Redsnation - 08/08/2017 05:02

Today, my older brother said that if he beat me in a game of NBA 2k17, he would get to keep my PS4. I beat him so badly that he got angry and destroyed my PlayStation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 664

You deserved it 502

04/08/2016 18:53

Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 517

You deserved it 1 141

No, you do it!

By Anonymous - 20/02/2021 08:01

Today, despite being hearing impaired, I just spent an hour on the phone with Comcast setting up my mom's internet, because my sister who hears fine is "too busy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 53

08/02/2009 08:04

Today, my best friend told me she wanted to rape my throat. I did not know that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 305

You deserved it 5 229

02/02/2018 08:00

Today, during class, a student began arguing with my Algebra II teacher about whether or not water is wet. The student became so frustrated he threw a stapler across the room. Guess who got hit in the head and is currently bleeding pints in the nurse's office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 732

You deserved it 248

22/05/2016 20:22

Today, we took an AP exam for Literature. One of the passages was about keeping in feelings in a relationship so that no one is "a burden". My boyfriend read the same passage and felt like he was a burden. I can't convince him otherwise. Thank you college board for endangering my relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 020

You deserved it 1 155

02/03/2016 20:41

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 268

You deserved it 1 699

01/10/2013 12:32

Today, my boyfriend's dad said he'd given my boyfriend £100 to take me out for a meal last night and he hoped I'd enjoyed it. Last night my boyfriend and I went to Pizza Hut, shared a pizza and split the bill. Turns out my boyfriend had simply pocketed the money without telling anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 067

You deserved it 3 992

13/11/2009 17:47

Today, I was a TA watching the class take a test. I didn't realize that the projector was still on while I was searching the Internet. They watched me google "chronic itchy anus". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 769

You deserved it 54 365

12/10/2013 13:19

Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant. My fiancé has decided my new nickname will be "Oink Oink". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 298

You deserved it 4 973

15/05/2017 16:00

Today, I came into work feeling good about myself and my upcoming plans. I left before noon with a box of my belongings and uncertainty about my future, having been suddenly laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 864

You deserved it 279

12/12/2009 06:38

Today, I found out that my husband never wanted to marry me, he only did because I wouldn't quit pestering him to propose to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 028

You deserved it 56 323

21/01/2011 01:41

Spicy

Today, while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee would be fine, I said "I'm cheap and I'm easy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 141

You deserved it 34 126

12/01/2009 16:03

Today, my coworker told me that the framed picture our boss put on her desk last week was not, as I originally thought, a picture of her father, but a picture of Rupert Murdoch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 314

You deserved it 3 423

Profiler

By ocean555 - 07/03/2011 00:27

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my Facebook profile picture, of me between my boyfriend and a friend, is actually me between my boyfriend and the girl he has been cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 912

You deserved it 4 247

09/08/2011 12:55

Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 210

You deserved it 12 415

27/07/2009 09:38

Today, I drove six hours with a friend to see one of her favorite bands in concert. We were turned away at the door because the online site didn't say we had to be 21 to enter. I drove six hours back with nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank and useless tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 503

You deserved it 9 390

Hellooooo, Social Services?

By whatisthisshit - 17/03/2017 00:00

Today, I spent two hours convincing my 3-year-old son that he can't poop on his 4-month-old brother out of retaliation for the baby pooping on him. He did it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 389

You deserved it 684

28/08/2009 06:42

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years has children. Not one, not two, but three. Not with one, two, but three women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 907

You deserved it 5 068

05/11/2018 15:30

Today, I accidentally put down the wrong year for my university graduation, so when my prospective boss was checking my references he found no mention of my name in that year's list of graduates. He accused me of faking my qualifications and refused to hire me. It was a 6-figure salary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 193

You deserved it 3 440

25/04/2009 07:51

Spicy

Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 267

You deserved it 6 210

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Friday 28 September 2018 13:42

All mosquitoes who bite are female, so you basically got bitten by a lesbian vampire.

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Friday 28 September 2018 15:11

Are you sure they're...mosquito bites? I mean, tick and bedbug bites are very similar. Could look bigger/smaller depending if you're allergic or not. Both are itchy!

Comments

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Friday 28 September 2018 13:42

All mosquitoes who bite are female, so you basically got bitten by a lesbian vampire.

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Friday 28 September 2018 13:43

The mosquitoes must think you're ovulating.

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Friday 28 September 2018 13:46

You should meet Wasp Junk, it might be the start of something beautiful.

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Friday 28 September 2018 14:48

Did you spray your couch? If not, ydi

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Friday 28 September 2018 15:11

Are you sure they're...mosquito bites? I mean, tick and bedbug bites are very similar. Could look bigger/smaller depending if you're allergic or not. Both are itchy!

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Friday 5 October 2018 18:31

rip😂😂

BlueSteele220 31

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Friday 28 September 2018 18:46

maybe you found your clit?

boopingsnoot 24

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Saturday 29 September 2018 3:26

I doubt you’d recognize a clitoris even with a labeled photograph

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Friday 28 September 2018 20:14

Just be glad there wasn't a dead turtle down there.

Marta Perlicka 13

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Friday 28 September 2018 21:40

I would suggest that you get these checked out... it’s weird that despite all of the protection you still got bitten. I never had that happen before.

Rabite 28

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Friday 28 September 2018 21:53

It's called vulva.

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Monday 1 October 2018 23:35

You beat me to it. Good job.

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Wednesday 3 October 2018 12:51

I'm guessing she didn't get bit in her birth canal aka the vulva....

Davros 12

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Saturday 29 September 2018 0:15

lol, people are going to think your "double clicking your mouse" when you have to scratch that itch in public