Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that...

By Whyis Dremora - 30/9/2018 15:00 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML

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By At least she knows I floss - 25/8/2017 14:15 - United States - Pomona

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents and everything was going perfectly. He and I even had some time alone upstairs, where I gave him a blowjob. After dinner, his mom helpfully pointed out something stuck in my braces and inspected it for me. It was a pube. FML

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By fucked up dad - 11/7/2013 19:50 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, after I got turned down for yet another job, my dad glanced up at me and casually remarked that porn is always a stable market. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 22:44 - United States

Today, while at the dog park, I suddenly had to use the bathroom really badly. Since there weren't any facilities nearby, I decided to go behind a tree and relieve myself there. While doing this, two other owners, one that's in my math class, noticed me, regardless of me hiding. She definitely saw everything. School will be fun tomorrow. FML

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By louise. - 18/10/2010 09:06 - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

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By Bob - 14/4/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I was working at a local restaurant when another server's table called me over to ask if I've "ever killed anybody". They informed me I looked like a serial killer. I informed them, of course, that I have never killed anybody. Another customer claimed I scared her child. I was fired. FML

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By Florida - 27/10/2010 18:46 - United States

Today, my husband informed me that his father adopted a dog. I replied "Cool," he then said, "She happens to have your name." I think my father in law is trying to send me a message. FML

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By Itstheapocalypse - 26/11/2017 19:00

Today, while performing a therapeutic massage, I dropped my clients head, shuddered, and jumped away. Why? I watch too much Walking Dead and when I lifted her head to stretch her neck, her soft breathing sounded like a zombie. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 03:30 - Canada

Today, I was watching the show "Sixteen and Pregnant". I started bawling when the girl's dirtbag boyfriend proposed to her with a $20 ring he bought from Walmart because I was so lonely and was jealous of her "romantic relationship". FML

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By TheLifguard95 - 26/4/2016 23:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought that working as a lifeguard I would be saving lives, rescuing people and things along those lines. What do I get told to do on my first shift? Clean all the fecal matter and hair out the pool. I almost threw up. FML

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By seriously_CAT - 21/10/2015 02:26

Today, I had to try to convince my roommate that, yes, you do need to use dish soap when you hand wash dishes because of bacteria in old food. She still won't believe me, insisting that, "there's no such thing as bacteria in food". FML

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By "baow" - 17/3/2019 14:00

Today, I met this girl on a party and things were going really well. We ended up getting it on in my room and I was about to do my thing after confidently have had bragging the whole night that I was the inspiration of the 50 shades of Grey series. Well guess who got a whiskey dick. FML

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By anonymous - 19/2/2015 16:06 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML

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By ProtoBird - 14/4/2016 04:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I got hit so hard in the head by a dodgeball that a contact popped right out. To make matters worse, I continued to get hit as a futilely searched for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2015 09:52 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying at my after-wedding party, after promising she'd behave herself. She thinks my husband is an awful person who'll drag me into a life of sin, all because he has a tattoo and an ear piercing. FML

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By overpriced coffee shop worker - 17/11/2012 18:35 - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, while working at the coffee shop, I had to empty the garbage cans. One of the bags gave way, and all the half-finished cups of coffee spilled all over my uniform. Most customers' orders cost more than I make per hour. FML

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By LadyLuck - 10/5/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I went to go visit my beloved husband in the hospital. As I went past the nurses station, I heard them talking about the "bastard in Room 303." I went on to visit my husband in room 303. FML

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By Relevance - 13/8/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, my husband fell for an online scam leaving us 1450.00 in the negative. We get paid tomorrow and most of our money is going to cover that debt. FML

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By unifail - 22/1/2009 10:48 - Canada

Today, I drove to my university to pick up forms and books. When I parked at 2:58 there was 30 mins on the meter. I returned at 3:32 only to find a parking ticket issued at 3:31. The worst part is, the books were not available until next week and I could've got the forms online. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

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By BrillianceSucks - 5/4/2013 00:10 - Canada

Today, I had to give a 15-minute presentation for a conference. I hadn't had the time to write out a proper speech so I decided to just wing it. My sponsor liked my presentation so much he wants me to turn it into an article. Now if only I could remember what I said. FML

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By Alex - 8/5/2016 19:12 - United States

Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my mom, she called to complain that I had forgotten about her for Mother's day, but also praise my sister for apparently receiving my flowers I sent at the door and passing them off as hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 20:32 - United Kingdom

Today, after months of dieting, I finally reached my goal weight. Excitedly I told my boyfriend, who gave me a beautiful dress as an early Christmas present. It was a size too small. FML

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By lonerjik - 19/1/2011 12:05 - United States

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

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By lezbplove - 19/3/2011 05:26 - Canada

Today, I finally decided to tell my parents I was a lesbian. They spent the next few hours reading me the bible. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up, and he came by to get his things while I was at work. When I got home I saw that the only thing he had taken was my cat. I only dated him for 5 months, I've had that cat for 14 years. FML

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By lunchbox2353 - 30/7/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

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By Okay - 31/10/2009 15:59 - United States

Today, my sister had her first kiss. She was very excited and she told me all about it. She then asked me to tell her about the first time I kissed a guy, what it was like, who it was with, etc. I had to make one up. I have never been kissed before. My sister is 6 years younger than me. FML

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By Username - 27/6/2011 08:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came before I'd even unbuttoned my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2012 14:50 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I had to explain to my 22-year-old boyfriend that mice do not grow up to be rats. FML

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By Noname - 26/2/2009 01:31 - United States

Today, at work, we finally got a digital projector so our theater can show 3D movies. Our first movie is The Jonas Brothers Concert. FML

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By KennyDidIt - 9/12/2012 13:18 - United States - Grand Bay

Today, it's my sixth day taking care of my family's seven animals while my parents are in Singapore. So far, I've emergency-called the vet twice, taken a dog to the vet once, and cleaned up liquid dog shit five times. FML

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By divorce? i think so - 21/7/2012 02:12 - Canada - Markham

Today, I found my husband's journal, and along with it the real reason he took so long to show up to our wedding rehearsals last year. According to the journal, it was because he was too busy wooing a married mother of five and sticking his "slut-banger all up in that fat booty." FML

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By I don't condome that, babe - 24/7/2014 20:51 - United States - Lutz

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

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By MaggotMother - 20/4/2013 10:51 - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2010 14:04 - Denmark

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said: "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML

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By name50 - 7/2/2009 18:16 - United States

Today, I was passing a building and saw a fat, ugly person inside. I started to laugh and noticed it was my reflection. FML

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By CombatShadow45 - 25/11/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML

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By kekumbas - 5/5/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, 5 hours into my shift in a cafe I realized there were two stickers on my back that read: "Don't touch my no-no square" and "I wear diapers." I make food with my back to customers all day and I walk through the seating area delivering food. No one said anything. FML

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By This_girll - 20/7/2018 19:30 - United States - Ridgewood

Classy guy.

Today, my boyfriend of a year went to a wedding. He didn't invite me, he took his ex instead. I saw it all on Instagram. FML

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Top comments

By Leeono | 26

#7702105 - Sunday 30 September 2018 22:17

Finally and answer to “what crawled up your butt?!”

By donthatemebut | 14

#7702107 - Sunday 30 September 2018 22:20

Don’t let the bed bugs bite.

Comments

By Leeono | 26

#7702105 - Sunday 30 September 2018 22:17

Finally and answer to “what crawled up your butt?!”

By donthatemebut | 14

#7702107 - Sunday 30 September 2018 22:20

Don’t let the bed bugs bite.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7702112 - Sunday 30 September 2018 22:28

What kind of asshole can’t tell the difference between an arachnid and an insect?

By Michelle Strutt | 2

#7702125 - Sunday 30 September 2018 23:13

Yeah, right.

By ChromoTec | 24

#7702132 - Sunday 30 September 2018 23:31

The cock-roach chose the wrong hole

RichardPencil | 28

#7702225 - Monday 1 October 2018 7:29

To some, there are no wrong holes -- just ones that require more lube.

By geniusness | 6

#7702140 - Monday 1 October 2018 0:04

Did you burn the house down? Because you should burn your house down. It's the only logical reaction.

By Linda Mau | 10

#7702168 - Monday 1 October 2018 1:27

The cockroach was a male and was just tryna get laid

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7702169 - Monday 1 October 2018 1:38

That is the type of roach you'd expect to try to enter you there.

By ReallyChillDude | 4

#7702179 - Monday 1 October 2018 2:07

That cockroach has a real go getter attitude lol.

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7702185 - Monday 1 October 2018 2:36

Get fat like me. Nothing gets near my butthole without spelunking gear