All the FMLs

By jbhadafuckedupday - 15/03/2018 01:30

Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time. What he did not tell me was that he had shit on the floor, and when I went into the bathroom to check, I slipped on a turd and knocked myself out on the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 109

You deserved it 455

By Odds in my favour - 14/03/2018 15:00

Today, I put out a public ad for a dancing buddy. No pictures, just a brief description of what I was looking for. A guy answered and we started chatting. The more he revealed, the more familiar he sounded. Yep! That's him! My stalker from 10 years ago. Guess I have to move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 761

You deserved it 401

By oh my soul - 14/03/2018 01:30

Today, it's been 1 month since I've accepted that I'm gay, 1 week since telling my strict, southern baptist, bible-thumping parents, 1 day since my mom stopped crying and my dad finally spoke to me, and 1 hour since discovering that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 866

You deserved it 2 095

By Penguinsuit - 13/03/2018 01:30

Today, I threw my clothes in the laundry and had only penguin pajamas to wear. My mother forgot to mention that she was expecting a handyman. Guess who got greeted by an adult woman in a penguin suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 193

You deserved it 870

By NotSarahConnor - 11/03/2018 20:30 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boss thought it was funny to fire me by putting on dark sunglasses and saying "You have been terminated" in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 974

You deserved it 396

By Anonymous - 11/03/2018 19:00

Today, on my way back from a family trip, my fiancé informed me via text that he'd been cheating on me for years and that he'd moved out of our house and left the state. He blocked me before I could respond. We were together for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 597

You deserved it 364

By Anonymous - 11/03/2018 15:00

Today, the girl I thought I was dating introduced me to her boyfriend. We've gone on dates and have slept in the same bed, but it turns out she thought I was her gay best friend and was planning to introduce me to her boyfriend's brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 413

You deserved it 895

By Anonymous - 11/03/2018 01:30

Today, my manager cussed me out for being unable to keep a customer happy. That "customer" was a senile old twit who had wandered away from his carer, thought our shop was his living room, and demanded to know who replaced all his furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 454

You deserved it 396

By rubberduck_of_doom - 09/03/2018 19:00

Today, after months of begging, I finally convinced my friends to go skiing with me. On our first run I suggested a race. Everybody loved the idea. Good news: I came in first. Bad news: I tore a ligament in my knee. It will be operated on tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 700

You deserved it 1 071

By boobmilk - 08/03/2018 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 000

You deserved it 347

By parent - 08/03/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my son has been telling me he's gay so we would allow the "female friend" who is actually his girlfriend to stay over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 246

You deserved it 2 846

By Joboi23 - 07/03/2018 19:00

Today, I matched with a woman on Tinder with whom I'd already talked on another dating app. The conversation had died out pretty quickly, so I was surprised she gave me a second chance. Her first message was to tell me how boring I was on the other app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 103

You deserved it 785

Incognito IRL

By Stressed out mom - 07/03/2018 01:30

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 180

You deserved it 3 347

By HiRveryone - 05/03/2018 19:08 - United States - Centre

Today, I had to be the designated driver for my mom and aunt. While driving them home, my aunt threw up on the car floor and my mom peed her pants, leaving a puddle in the seat. It was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 006

You deserved it 395

Classy

By pist off - 05/03/2018 19:00

Today, I felt rain on my face. I looked up and saw a man peeing out of a hot air balloon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 043

You deserved it 314

By Noob - 05/03/2018 08:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I restarted my desktop computer at work. Nobody told me, but it turns out that my computer holds the licenses used for all programs on the server. Needless to say, a lot of people hate me right now. It's only my fifth day here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 834

You deserved it 468

By Anonymous - 05/03/2018 01:30

Today, my insanely religious 60-year-old neighbor screamed at me when I left my home to go to work. I was wearing jeans and that’s apparently improper for a female adult. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 539

You deserved it 327

By Chat - 04/03/2018 19:00

Today, my only day off this week, my cat decided that she wanted feeding at 5am and wouldn’t stop meowing till I filled up her bowl. She then refused to eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 954

You deserved it 743

Oops

By maybe time to adopt - 04/03/2018 15:00

Today, after my wife and I have been trying for a baby for 2 years, I found out she's still on the pill. Apparently when she was a teen she had bad period cramps, so her doctor gave her the pill for the pain. She never realized it stops pregnancy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 562

You deserved it 1 171

How shocking!

By Anonymous - 04/03/2018 01:30

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put his dog shock collar on me to wake me in lieu of my alarm. You know how those cartoon characters look when they're electrocuted? That's exactly how I woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 466

You deserved it 386

By toelie - 03/03/2018 19:00

Today, at 6 weeks pregnant, I went to the ER in the middle of the night for severe abdominal pain, fearing an ectopic pregnancy. Turns out it was just a wayward turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 900

You deserved it 492

By Anonymous - 02/03/2018 19:30 - United States

Today, I woke up after being sick from the flu and tried to get out of bed. I forgot I was in a bunk bed and broke my ankle in the fall down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 348

You deserved it 860

By Anonymous - 02/03/2018 19:00

Today, I was put on academic suspension only to find out my professor entered my grade wrong. I lost my financial aid and have to explain to my parents why I’m not in college anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 595

You deserved it 297

It still hurts

By Ferniferousfern - 02/03/2018 15:00

Today, I went to the dentist for a tooth extraction. Not only were they not able to extract all of it, but after 7 injections, I was still screaming. The best part? Their referral to someone else fell through, so I head back tomorrow to finish the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 951

You deserved it 341

By OhCrap - 02/03/2018 09:56

Today, I finally met my long-term partner's mother, which I'd been nervous about for some time. Whilst using her bathroom I managed to knock over a large, ornate mirror and it chopped her toilet in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 084

You deserved it 1 427

CaptainShalliwaffle tells us more.

CaptainShalliwaffle 3

Sunday 5 March 2017 19:58

Op here: Nope, it didn't smash the toilet, it literally cut it right down the middle and got stuck there. It was just this huge, metal edged mirror balanced against the wall by the toilet and I nudged it over. Did pay for the repair but it took weeks as the plumber messed up the job. She had to use her neighbour's bathroom for over a fortnight.

By Anonymous - 01/03/2018 19:30 - United States - Greenville

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 058

You deserved it 1 758

By AnnieTheKitteh - 01/03/2018 19:00

Today, I came up with a new system: If I want to buy something, I must do a chore first. I thought my laziness would keep me from impulsive shopping. Instead, my entire apartment is sparkling clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 883

You deserved it 1 077

By Stupid - 01/03/2018 15:00

Today, I found out my son has been lying about being sick. He kept complaining so I took him to the doctor and got him some medicine. Now he’s actually sick because he took meds he didn’t even need. He did it solely so he could get an expensive get well soon gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 026

You deserved it 875

By Anonymous - 01/03/2018 11:44

Today, I found out my new husband is actually an illegal immigrant using me for citizenship, and is now forcing me to house his parents, 5 siblings, and 3 grandparents who are now able to pass through immigration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 639

You deserved it 2 131

End of the road

By Anonymous - 28/02/2018 05:00

Today, I woke up to a note on my nightstand from my fiancée, along with the ring I proposed to her with yesterday, which stated that not only was she not ready to be married, but she’d been planning to end things before I “blindsided" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 631

You deserved it 485

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Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 916

You deserved it 4 925

Today, I was at Walmart and had to use the bathroom. I sat down and farted real loud. I didn't realize someone was in there with me until I heard a voice say, "Dude, that was a good one." It was a man's voice. I then realized I was in the men's restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 051

You deserved it 13 632

Today, my girlfriend saw the name "Melissa" on my phone's contact list. After refusing to tell her who it was, she accused me of being a cheater, broke up with me and stormed out of my house. Melissa is the name of a woman from Craigslist who was going to sell me an antique engagement ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 857

You deserved it 9 449

Today, after just having used the bathroom, my ring fell in the toilet. After stealthily removing it with a toothbrush, I went to go wash it in the sink. It then fell down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 446

You deserved it 14 705

Today, I was trying to find my missing purple pen in the house I share with my boyfriend and his 57 year-old mother. I checked her room just in case, only to open a drawer and be greeted by a dildo. I’m never going to unsee that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 3 208

Today, a passenger in my taxi left without paying. They left their phone, so I posted a message about it from their social media, exposing them. Turns out they'd stolen the phone from someone else. I ended up getting arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 504

You deserved it 567