By JesusLaidAnEgg

Alexa, play "A Forest" by The Cure

Today, I was driving around my campsite at dark in the middle of a forest. My father thought it would be funny to run up to my window, put his face against the glass and scream. I drove into a tree. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Decisions, decisions

Thanks, I hate it

By Jen - 24/1/2021 13:58 - United States

Jealous?

Today, my unborn child's father told me he stood outside of my friend's house for an hour in the snow in the middle of the night because he thought I was with another guy. I was at her house helping with her four kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat. FML

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By Jason - United States

Today, I spent forty minutes trying to break into my own house after being locked out. After finally getting in through a small unlocked window, I discovered my keys in my pants pocket. FML

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By Eimii - United States

Today, my 70 year old coworker gave me a letter telling me he was attracted to me, and wishes to have a relationship in which he can 'hold me in his arms every night'. I'm 21. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Dammam

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw my 32-year-old boyfriend of 4 years pick his nose and eat it. The booger in question was attached to his nose and he sucked it out spaghetti-style. He then tried to kiss me. I still feel my stomach churning. FML

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By missmolliss - United States - Norfolk

Today, I keep getting calls from companies that I applied to for interviews. The thing is, I moved 1,000 miles away a week ago because I couldn't find a job. FML

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By D.J. - United States - Houston

Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

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By dempasi - United States - Utica

Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML

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By Bye Bye Toast

Today, I came home from a funeral to find that my mother had cleaned my house. She thought it would be a good idea to put my toaster in the dishwasher to clean it. My toaster is fried, and she thinks everything's fine. FML

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By Watchyourstep - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

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By a.baybay - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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By oh shit - United States - Palatine

Today, my girlfriend was feeling down because she has put on some weight. I tried to make her feel better by showing her I can still pick her up. I can, and I was even able to hide the fact that I shat myself doing it. I'm so romantic. FML

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By Horneyandbleeding - 23/11/2020 07:01 - Canada - Winnipeg

Bad timing

Today, I got my period. I was going to have my first threesome tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cranford

Today, despite seeing her every weekend, her not telling me her work schedule, and her having ignored me every time she gets a boyfriend, my sister is upset that I "don't make more of an effort to see her." Sorry, I'm trying to not rely on people who hurt me. FML

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By Drafrica - South Africa

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

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By FereldonBorn - United States - Roseville

Today, my dog was all over me, and I couldn't help but notice she kept sniffing towards my boobs. Turns out, she wasn't there to get love from me. She was there for a piece of food that I didn't notice had fallen in my bra. FML

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By confused - United States

Today, I went on a date for the first time in eight months. He didn't make a move. I then asked if we were on a date. He said, "I don't know, I guess." I can't tell either. FML

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By crazy mother in law

Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to have a baby. She decided to call me and explain in extreme detail what positions to try, and when. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fainted. Instead of stopping to help, some guy stopped to draw a penis on my forehead. The EMT laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

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By fullmoonfml - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to moon people out of my friend's car window. I rolled down the window and mooned a random couple. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I had to get out of the car and pick up my phone and wallet, which were in my back pocket. FML

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By oopsydaisy - United States

Today, my co-worker told me that my other co-worker is in the process of getting a divorce. I got really excited because his marriage is very toxic. He overheard me say, "He deserves that divorce!" I meant it in a good way, but I don't think he took it that way. FML

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By Notthatone - United States - Madison

Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML

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By oncehipjr - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my best friend had set up for me. When I arrived, I introduced myself and we sat at the table. After we ordered our food, he asked the waiter for some crayons and a kid's menu, and colored for the half hour before our food came. He didn't talk to me at all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

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By asdfghjkl - United States

Today, I bought a brand new flat screen TV. When I brought it home it didn't work. Furious, I walked into Best Buy and yelled at a guy in a tucked in blue polo and khakis. I asked him why it didn't work and he said he didn't know. I kept screaming. He didn't have a nametag. He didn't work there. FML

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By wantedphantom

Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML

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By tempted to become single - United States - Atwater

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about extinct peoples, and I said how close the Jewish people came to becoming one. She condescendingly told me they don't exist anymore. When I asked what she was talking about, I realized she was confusing them with the Vikings. What the hell? FML

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By Elisa_LmR - France

Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML

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By Silverfeathery

Today, during a moment of silence in front of the entire high school during my band concert, I managed to hit the stand with my flute, and loudly scrambled to catch it before it fell over. I've never had so many people look at me. FML

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By Ima in Hungary - United States - Silsbee

Today, my boyfriend drove to my house to break up with me. He only did so after I'd vacuumed the whole house to compensate for his cat allergies. I thought he was just coming to dinner. FML

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By brerj09 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML

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By rob - France

Today, my mum prepared my bag for football practice. In the changing room I found one of her thongs. FML

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By Whoops - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a haircut. The lady accusingly told me she'd have to thoroughly wash my hair before she started, as it was way too greasy to cut through. FML

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By Anonymous

Inappropriate crush

Today, a week after my 10-year anniversary, I realized I've somehow been roped into hosting my husband's crush's birthday party with all their friends. My gift to myself was a $60 bottle of whiskey that won't arrive in time to help me with my debilitating social anxiety. FML

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Top comments

By dudeisuck | 7

#7842329 - Tuesday 10 September 2019 15:52

your dad was right. that is funny

By DrSamba | 7

#7842515 - Wednesday 11 September 2019 5:52

Sorry, I did not mean to YDI the OP.

COMMENTS

By dudeisuck | 7

#7842329 - Tuesday 10 September 2019 15:52

your dad was right. that is funny

By DrSamba | 7

#7842515 - Wednesday 11 September 2019 5:52

Sorry, I did not mean to YDI the OP.

By Sarah_360767614 | 8

#7843002 - Thursday 12 September 2019 22:01

Clearly, you were driving too fast if you didn’t have time to brake