I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 1

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 211

You deserved it 53

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 112

You deserved it 1 017

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

By bored - 12/09/2019 00:02

Today, I found a deck of Uno cards. Being extremely bored, I decided to put them in order. I now know EXACTLY which cards I'm missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 160

You deserved it 351

Good kid

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Beggars can be choosers

11/03/2010 12:50

Spicy

Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 349

You deserved it 4 789

Frustration level: infinity

By MEW - 21/09/2009 00:38

Today, I was working drive thru and took a huge order. When the people pulled around to the window, they handed me a stack of coupons. None of the coupons were even related to what they ordered. They made me change their order to fit the coupons because they couldn't read. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 458

You deserved it 3 022

Overdoing it

By Anonymous - 06/03/2021 17:01

Today, two months after beginning a steamy text exchange with the man I’ve been in love with for 13 years, he told me that now when he thinks of me he feels "warm and fuzzy." In a panic, I responded sarcastically, “Primarily in the dick, right?” That shut everything down real quick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 352

You deserved it 1 033

No chuds, thanks

By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 20:01

Today, I found the Instagram account belonging to the guy I've been seeing. That's how I found out he's one of those nitwit asshole Proud Boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 184

You deserved it 362

26/09/2014 22:07

Today, I found out my parents are divorcing and my mom is moving out. I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Breaking the news should be fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 642

You deserved it 7 165

19/02/2013 06:19

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I really like. I lifted my arms to put my hair in a ponytail when he noticed a hole that had apparently tore in the armpit of my shirt, so he put his finger through it. I haven't shaved in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 153

You deserved it 55 476

12/06/2015 21:09

Today, I was rear-ended. While I was yelling, "WHAT THE F..." the lady who hit me completely freaked out and drove into me again. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 939

You deserved it 2 401

08/08/2019 06:00

Today, like any other day, I look just like Kim Jung-un. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 465

You deserved it 194

03/09/2010 04:35

Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to build a "secret entrance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 007

You deserved it 5 028

01/07/2012 01:35

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for years. I moaned, "say my name." He didn't know it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 251

You deserved it 11 360

03/09/2013 06:31

Today, my dad told me I was folding my laundry all wrong. I said with a smirk, "A little clothes-minded, are we?" He slapped me. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 424

You deserved it 12 075

26/05/2009 21:37

Today, there was a a huge storm. There were no buses so I walked for an hour to see my boyfriend of two years who (usually rather the unemotionally type) had called me, crying. When I got there soaking wet, he told me that he doesn't love me anymore and this makes him sad. I had to walk back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 195

You deserved it 3 874

19/12/2009 10:18

Spicy

Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 805

You deserved it 4 866

24/02/2016 17:58

Today, my girlfriend made me a chocolate cake to try and cheer me after my dog died. My dog died because my dad fed him chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 247

You deserved it 1 876

That slaps!

By Kelli - 08/04/2020 02:00

Today, the whole time my husband and I had sex, my stomach flab violently slapped my thighs. The harder he pumped, the louder the slapping got. Time to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 344

You deserved it 902

11/08/2012 22:22

Spicy

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 311

You deserved it 43 352

When clampers attack!

By frustrated - 04/09/2019 06:00

Today, despite being parked in my work's car park, my car got clamped. It cost me $150 to get the clamp removed and all I got was "bad luck" from my boss and the clamper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 454

You deserved it 118

19/12/2012 05:16

Today, I have a very uncomfortable cyst in my armpit and a sprained ankle both on my right side, resulting in me limping and keeping my arm awkwardly plastered to my side. My fiancé keeps walking like me and calling me Igor, saying "Yes, Master" whenever I ask him for something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 259

You deserved it 4 084

22/01/2015 05:22

Today, I got a large envelope from a college I applied to earlier. My mom, expecting big news, made my family gather round as I opened it. It ended up being a letter of rejection from not just that school, but all 3 campuses of the state college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 177

You deserved it 2 746

Plans

By Anonymous - 14/09/2021 02:00

Today, my ex asked me to take the kids for the day, which was odd as it's her weekend. My son let slip that she was getting ready for a surprise birthday party, but I wasn't supposed to know. As it's my birthday in 3 days, I was touched that she'd planned something. Turns out it's a surprise party for her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 348

17/11/2009 15:32

Today, I took the bus to work. I was exhausted and had a big mug of coffee. Half asleep and thinking I was in my car, I reached forward to put it in the "cup holder" during the ride. When I let go, I poured hot coffee not only all over myself, but also on the large, angry-looking man next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 307

You deserved it 28 954

02/04/2012 17:31

Spicy

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 270

You deserved it 38 812

17/11/2013 17:46

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 506

You deserved it 3 100

24/08/2010 06:17

Spicy

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 373

You deserved it 11 026

13/02/2010 07:22

Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where you can call or text any five people for free. The employee asked for my five, I could only come up with one, my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 996

You deserved it 5 057

27/01/2019 12:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter put her grow-in-water salamander in my fish tank. The residue from the toy gummed up the filter and killed all the fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 427

You deserved it 330

04/12/2010 00:14

Today, my boss finally pronounced my name correctly. My name was then followed by the words "You're fired." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 690

You deserved it 2 568

08/08/2013 08:03

Today, it was my son's fifth birthday. I asked my grandmother, who is a baker, to make a birthday cake for the party. Two hours after the party started, she arrived drunk with a large ham with candles in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 390

You deserved it 4 790

Sexy is in the eye of the beholder

By fatty punani - 05/06/2020 08:00

Today, my husband thinks I stopped wearing underwear to be sexy. Truth is, I’ve gained so much weight during quarantine that even my granny panties no longer fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 280

You deserved it 606

Values

By mira - 13/03/2021 17:01

Today, I told my mom I was leaving early to give my boyfriend a ride to work. She asked me why on Earth I’m even attracted to someone who doesn’t have a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 357

Hungry

By The gay child - 09/05/2018 19:00

Today, a discussion with my father about what to have for lunch turned into a linguistics lesson, then a bible story, followed by religious anti-gay propaganda, and finally a brief discussion on why my brother would make a terrible military dictator. I still haven't gotten anything for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 848

You deserved it 417

Not mine

By alerra - 20/01/2020 14:00

Spicy

Today, my roommate's parents came over to our one room apartment. They found condom wrappers. My roommate tried to say they were mine. I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 250

You deserved it 233

25/12/2014 16:36

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 900

You deserved it 2 829

Is this a joke?

By Anonymous - 19/08/2020 23:02

Today, I told my wife if she wanted to get a divorce, she just had to get a cat since I'm deathly allergic. She got two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 426

21/12/2013 20:05

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a sign he made in front of my Minecraft house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 463

You deserved it 6 489

07/02/2015 02:32

Spicy

Today, my new boyfriend and I really wanted to have sex, but he went soft as soon as he entered me. This happens every time we try. I feel cursed by my year-long dry spell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 713

You deserved it 4 505

13/07/2019 02:30

Today, I played a harmless joke on my neighbors by pointing a laser pointer out of my window onto their wall. Apparently, my neighbors don't take jokes lightly as one of the sons pointed at my window while screaming and swearing, then took out a gang bandana and wrapped it around his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 2 406

04/06/2019 14:00

Today, I was in a public restroom with my one-year old. I had no idea he could reach the lock until he opened the door and ran out. In my haste to catch him, I not only peed all over my pants that were still around my ankles, I faceplanted on the nasty, moist bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 130

You deserved it 292

21/06/2013 22:18

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my bed. Just as my parents responded to my screaming, I remembered that I'd helped my boyfriend sneak in through my window last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 658

You deserved it 69 764

09/02/2010 05:27

Today, I was at one of the urinals in a bathroom. A chubby kid goes to the urinal next to mine and starts peeing violently. Apparently, he was peeing so violently that it splashed onto my legs the whole time. I've picked the wrong day to wear shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 389

You deserved it 3 085

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Top comments

EmDizzle2007 28

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Thursday 12 September 2019 2:23

you and the person at the doctor's office should get together.

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Thursday 12 September 2019 0:47

Yea...that's generally an outcome of organizing things. If you weren't planning on playing with them, then it's not a big deal. If you were, just borrow a deck from a friend or buy a new deck. It's Uno. It can't be that expensive.

Comments

Send a private message

Thursday 12 September 2019 0:47

Yea...that's generally an outcome of organizing things. If you weren't planning on playing with them, then it's not a big deal. If you were, just borrow a deck from a friend or buy a new deck. It's Uno. It can't be that expensive.

EmDizzle2007 28

Send a private message

Thursday 12 September 2019 2:23

you and the person at the doctor's office should get together.

zoelog 10

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Thursday 12 September 2019 2:41

and.....I'm not getting this.

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Thursday 12 September 2019 6:30

Sounds like you're a few cards short of a full deck. And I mean that literally, and metaphorically. Who gets so wound up over a couple of missing Uno cards that they consider it an FML moment?

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Thursday 12 September 2019 7:57

Which cards are missing?

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Saturday 14 September 2019 12:56

...Ok? Clean, laundry, mow, walk, nap, read, rearrange. That's just stuff you can do at home. You're not bored, you're lazy.