ALL FML

By FD4 - 15/09/2018 14:30

Today, my girlfriend's parents asked if I could move their car. I started the engine and began to accelerate, not noticing that the automatic transmission was on R. I drove right into a wall behind me, shattering the rear lights. Now I owe them $150 for repairs. FML

agreeclassic 1 312

vote type 1 3 247

By Anonymous - 15/09/2018 13:00

Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate as comfort food. When I gave it to her she joked, "Now I'm going to get fat." It was at that moment that my brain stepped out and my mouth took over and I heard myself say, "You deserve it!" FML

agreeclassic 2 435

vote type 1 880

By Anonymous - 15/09/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my sister has been "borrowing" my adult toys and putting them back without washing them well enough. How did I find out? I came back positive for an STI. FML

agreeclassic 4 314

vote type 1 295

By Daughter of a Dork - 14/09/2018 17:30 - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

agreeclassic 2 792

vote type 1 287

Nicked it

By Imdead - 14/09/2018 22:00

Today, we're taking the plane home from Dublin after a school trip that I only barely got onto after troubles with my passport. Luckily for me, a kind person had decided to save me from the passport this evening - together with the rest of my wallet. I'm stuck. FML

agreeclassic 2 728

vote type 1 242

By Anonymous - 14/09/2018 14:30 - United States - Edinburg

Today, my girlfriend and I hosted a family game night with her grandparents and her father, who was bringing his "friend" who he'd been dating for a couple of weeks. It was my mom. FML

agreeclassic 3 092

vote type 1 226

By his dog poops too - 14/09/2018 20:22

Today, I came home after a month to dog poop everywhere. Not because my dog is untrained, but because my brother is too lazy to clean the backyard and there’s nowhere left for them to poop. FML

agreeclassic 3 254

vote type 1 311

cheesebond app_comment_confession_title

cheesebond 29

Thursday 13 September 2018 23:08

OP here. For everyone wondering the grass was also left uncut so the backyard wasn’t completely filled, but the parts that don’t have 2 foot tall grass were. We have 2 dogs and he was left to maintain the house while we were gone which was actually a month and a half closer to 2 months. Also having him finally clean it wasn’t an option because I asked him to the first second and third day before I finally did it. He always said he would but never did.

Phantom shitter

By eirbear - 14/09/2018 18:30

Today, someone had explosive diarrhea in my bathroom at work and didn't clean it up. I'm the only woman in the office and I have only one toilet with no window or fan, so I have to leave the door open to air it out. It's right beside the canteen. Everyone will think it was me. FML

agreeclassic 1 952

vote type 1 149

By Anonymous - 14/09/2018 09:00 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I was watching anime in my room when my mom walked in with fresh laundry. It would've been fine at literally any other moment, but the scene on at the time involved girls groping each other in a hot spring. Now she's accusing me of being in cartoon porn. FML

agreeclassic 2 273

vote type 1 892

By Fooled Wife - 14/09/2018 14:30

Today, my husband was arrested on 2 felony charges in a sting. We've been married 5.5 years, had almost enough money for a down payment on a house, were trying to get pregnant, and had a non-refundable trip to London planned. We are now broke and on the verge of divorce. FML

agreeclassic 2 653

vote type 1 291

By Anonymous - 14/09/2018 03:30

Today, I finally found out why I got a D in a class last semester. It was a heavily attendance-based class, and apparently he only marked you present if you participated in class discussion. It was a 100-seat lecture. FML

agreeclassic 2 892

vote type 1 336

By Anonymous - 14/09/2018 01:30

Today, I was texting with my childhood crush late at night and we were exchanging secrets. I figured this was as good a time as any to tell her about my long-standing crush on her. Turns out she's a lesbian. FML

agreeclassic 2 785

vote type 1 358

By Nola - 13/09/2018 22:00

Today, my fiancé got his associate degree in the mail. Wanting to surprise him when he got home, I opened it to display it before going out to buy groceries. His dog got a hold of his degree and shredded it to pieces. FML

agreeclassic 2 317

vote type 1 1 800

Sobering

By Bambusmaster - 13/09/2018 18:50

Today, I'm on vacation with my best friends. We went to a club and I drunk texted my girlfriend of one year about how nice everything is and how much I miss her. She responded by breaking up with me because she likes me more as a friend. FML

agreeclassic 2 887

vote type 1 238

By The Cat Tickler - 13/09/2018 15:00

Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML

agreeclassic 1 829

vote type 1 1 421

Healthcare or not?

By Garcia2284 - 13/09/2018 13:00

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "No" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

agreeclassic 2 995

vote type 1 164

By toomuchwork - 13/09/2018 01:30

Today, as I was leaving for a 2-week vacation after working my ass off for 2 years, my area manager handed me a project. It's a 3-week job, and he told me he needs it when I get back. FML

agreeclassic 3 132

vote type 1 172

By Lolly - 12/09/2018 23:30

Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML

agreeclassic 3 303

vote type 1 838

Looking good

By YoushouldsaythattoHER - 12/09/2018 22:00

Today, a guy was telling me how his girlfriend considers me a "perfect beauty." Not used to getting this sort of compliment every day, I felt extremely flattered… until he started explaining in great detail why he couldn't disagree with her more. FML

agreeclassic 2 977

vote type 1 210

By Danny - 12/09/2018 20:30

Today, after being together for 8 months, I learned that not only was my boyfriend a liar, but that he is also married, and has been for 4 years. FML

agreeclassic 3 127

vote type 1 282

Go home

By Anonymous - 12/09/2018 18:30

Today, my mother turned up drunk at my house with a chocolate cake for my 14th birthday. I'm 27, I haven’t seen her in 6 years, I'm allergic to chocolate, and when she saw that I had 2 kids, she wanted to know why I'd bothered, since kids are always "such a disappointment". FML

agreeclassic 3 728

vote type 1 174

By brooklyn0118 - 12/09/2018 15:00

Today, I got home to find my dog had found and eaten my wedding rings. I get married in 2 days. FML

agreeclassic 2 857

vote type 1 566

Awkward...

By Sunny - 12/09/2018 07:30 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I went to this coffee shop in town that has a fire pit outdoors with my boyfriend. I threw out the idea of sitting by the fire together, and he responded by telling me that his father and dog died in a house fire when he was young. FML

agreeclassic 2 852

vote type 1 291

By Tiana Scott - 12/09/2018 13:10

Today, I left the door open while I went to the bathroom and my 11-month-old crawled in and then took off with my toilet paper. FML

agreeclassic 2 350

vote type 1 857

By gman - 12/09/2018 03:30

Today, I've been seeing this girl for three months. After asking her if she'd like to go out to eat with me, I realized that she never called me by my name, just "hey you". While we were out, I wondered what she had me saved as, so I texted her when she got up to use the restroom. It was "free food". FML

agreeclassic 4 034

vote type 1 479

By Chance115 - 11/09/2018 23:30

Today, my knee was dislocated. At a haunted house. By a midget. FML

agreeclassic 2 658

vote type 1 309

By Alup132 - 11/09/2018 22:00

Today, while delivering pizza, a customer got mad at me and accused me of not having a GPS, then cussed me out and hung up. The address he gave me was a parking lot with 6 cars, none of which were his. FML

agreeclassic 2 787

vote type 1 165

By Ashley Rocha - 11/09/2018 20:30

Today, after my washing machine broke yesterday in the middle of a cycle, I went and spent $1400 on a new one. Also today, my dryer started to smoke and almost caught my clothes on fire. There goes another $1000. FML

agreeclassic 2 804

vote type 1 333

By aoliver03 - 11/09/2018 18:30

Today, I spilled my guts out to my fiancé about some insecurities I've been having. I then turned to look at him through tears at his expressionless face as he texted someone. FML

agreeclassic 3 207

vote type 1 333

By Mel - 11/09/2018 14:30

Today, I woke up to find out my cat pissed in my laundry from last night. This includes underwear, so I had to go commando. I grabbed an old T-shirt and pants at the bottom of a drawer and left for school. Turns out the pants had a hole in the crotch and my period was due. FML

agreeclassic 3 360

vote type 1 687

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Today, the battery cables on my car came loose, thus resetting my car's electronics to factory settings. The anti-theft system is now turned on, and I can't start my car with it on. Luckily, it turns off with a remote. The remote broke about six months ago. FML

agreeclassic 23 412

vote type 1 3 265

Today, while manscaping in the shower, I found out that things can still get caught in the clippers, even with a guard on. FML

agreeclassic 4 104

vote type 1 777

Today, I went out with a friend to grab some food and we were served by this really cute and fun waiter. Stepping out of my comfort zone and deciding to do something crazy, I left my phone number on the bill. I got home only to realize that I forgot to pay the bill. FML

agreeclassic 17 812

vote type 1 24 613

Today, I had eye surgery to try and stop the progression of my eye disease. Being conscious for the surgery, I was given numbing drops before we began. My doctor started cutting my cornea before the drops took effect. FML

agreeclassic 2 455

vote type 1 128

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored, I made a "to do" list for the week in my head. FML

agreeclassic 36 111

vote type 1 12 631

Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML

agreeclassic 66 781

vote type 1 16 931