By - 8/3/2020 20:17

Right in the kisser

Today, I was in sociology class and I raised my hand to ask a question, not realizing that the professor was right behind me. I smacked him right in the face, no doubt reducing my chances of a good grade. FML

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Tense

Grow up

Great guy

By good_gravy - 20/2/2012 19:39 - United States

Today, my dog threw up on my bed while I was sleeping. I lost an hour of the day washing the vomit out with a rag, and my garbage disposal jammed on whatever otherworldly things my dog ate the day before. I had to dig it out by hand. FML

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By lonelynessinCA - 14/3/2011 18:31 - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I pretended I wanted to buy something from a telemarketer so that they would keep talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2010 06:16 - United States

Today, the airport security guard told me to lift my fat rolls so he could finish patting me down. FML

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By a - 6/12/2012 06:15 - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 02:32 - United Kingdom - Chelmsford

Today, I finally got proof of my theory when the dog came downstairs at 2 in the morning, looked me dead in the eye, pissed on the rug and took my socks before disappearing back upstairs. FML

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By backstabbed - 29/10/2011 07:22 - Australia

Today, I caught my best friend in bed with my current boyfriend. Apparently watching movies naked is "the new in thing". FML

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By disgusted - 23/2/2010 18:09 - United States

Today, I went into my parents room to empty their wastebasket. Next to it and around their bed, I found tissues that were soaked in an unknown sticky substance. I had to pick them up. FML

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By Rothaar - 26/1/2009 22:19 - United States

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2013 17:51 - United States - Poquoson

Today, I was visiting a family member at a women's prison. The staff wanted to search me, basically claiming that my breasts looked suspiciously disproportionate, implying I was smuggling something in. FML

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By Animal_aide - 7/1/2010 18:42 - Canada

Today, I got my car back from the repair shop. After paying $400 for them to fix the scratches on the driver's side door, some one decided to key both sides of my car while I was on my lunch break from work. FML

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By sexyfail - 26/1/2010 08:59 - Australia

Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. FML

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By Ugly - 22/8/2013 23:40 - United States - Jerseyville

Today, I went to my high school reunion. Someone walked up to me and said, "Wow, you look so different!" She then followed it up with, "You used to be so pretty, what happened?" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 20:36

Today, the mother of one of my students bitched me out about her son's poor grades. He lazes around all day, paying no attention and being a constant nuisance. But, she says it's not his fault, and demands that I give him better grades so he won't get "self-esteem" issues. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2015 22:15 - United States - Waynesboro

Today, I realized that while I've been the same minuscule height for the past five years, my feet won't stop growing. I'm 5 foot and a size 12. I look like a clown. FML

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By Unfortunate - 27/12/2010 05:41 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend had a Christmas party for all of our friends. He asked me not to get "too drunk". I think throwing up on the floor while simultaneously peeing your pants fit his definition. FML

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By anonymous - 8/1/2013 00:21 - United States

Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML

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By jameen - 7/5/2016 11:48 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

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By Ma.Sa.La. - 27/2/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was sign outside of the jewelry store that said, "Engagement Rings-No interest for 12 months." I said, "Look, baby! No interest." He replied, "That's right...NO INTEREST." FML

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By Jack Faire - 12/2/2019 02:00

Today, I sat down to do my taxes. As I was going over my forms, I found my employer only took $1.72 out the entire year for my Federal Income Taxes. I now owe the IRS over $500 that I don't have. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 09:45 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

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By Josie - 21/2/2011 07:46 - Australia

Today, I went to my "not so technologically advanced" grandma's house to help her out with her computer. It appears she has very interesting conversations with the man who lives in the apartment above her. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2017 19:00

Today, I returned home from my honeymoon and met my dad for coffee. He told me he's been seeing someone and he's so happy. It's my new mother-in-law. They moved in together during my wedding weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, I got a new computer because my old one crashed, deleting all music, photos, and documents. I still had all my music on my iPod though, and went to sync it to the new computer. By accident, my younger brother pulled the cord out before it was done, deleting all 3,000 songs forever. FML

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By Denise - 26/7/2020 17:00

How does that work?

Today, the girl I hired and trained took my director's position. She's not even been there a month. I didn't do anything to lose it, they just decided she was more qualified. At least I was good at picking employees I guess. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 14:14

Today, I told my students that I would be taking a few weeks off because a member of my family is very ill. They all cheered. FML

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By fucked - 24/8/2014 20:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

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By youwouldbeacat - 28/4/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that were in a plastic container out of the fridge and put them on top of the chips. After I’m completely done eating my mom looks in the fridge and asked me if I knew where the cat food was. I just ate a small can of cat food. FML

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By dumbwifehappylife - 12/2/2014 01:37 - United States - Woodbine

Today, my wife tried to report our neighbor's yard sale to the Better Business Bureau. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 22:44 - United States

Today, while at the dog park, I suddenly had to use the bathroom really badly. Since there weren't any facilities nearby, I decided to go behind a tree and relieve myself there. While doing this, two other owners, one that's in my math class, noticed me, regardless of me hiding. She definitely saw everything. School will be fun tomorrow. FML

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By fuck you sis - 12/10/2019 16:00

Loyalty card

Today, my parents lectured me about the importance of family, and how forgiveness is necessary. This came after I stopped speaking to my sister. I cut her out of my life after she slept with a second boyfriend of mine. Apparently, it’s up to me to "be the bigger person." FML

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By Thanks - 27/11/2009 23:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo. I threw a piece of my sandwich towards a very cute chimpanzee. As a thank you, he threw a piece of crap at me, which exploded all over my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2014 19:52 - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, my mum yelled "Son of a bitch!" as I narrowly beat her at a game of Mario Kart. I jokingly yelled back "Hell yeah I am!" Now I'm grounded for two weeks, birthday included, all because my mum's a sore loser. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2019 06:00 - Australia

Roller coaster ride

Today, I had had sex while sober for the first time in years. It was really awkward, bumpy, and I kept on apologizing for being so terrible. FML

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By lexibabe - 3/3/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was in the bank with my seven year old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away, I heard his wife say "I guess the father must be the good looking one." FML

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By sketchball - 5/10/2012 14:56 - United States

Today, my landlord informed me that from now on, she'd prefer if I paid my rent in cash each month. Apparently, I "look sketchy" and she didn't "ever want to deal with the hassle of a bounced check." FML

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By geniusdrunk - 9/8/2019 02:00

Today, after a month of sobriety, I woke up in my ex-girlfriend's house with absolutely no recollection as to how I got there. FML

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By anonymous - 1/5/2016 17:59 - United States

Today, I had to deal with a snobby rich woman who asked me to cure her daughter's "unhealthy obsession" with playing outside instead of watching TV with the rest of the family. She called me a liar when I said playing outside is a normal thing for a 6 year-old child to do. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2018 06:00 - United States - Peoria

Today, I finally came out to my dad, who is a priest, as gay. He responded by splashing me with holy water to "banish the demon within" me. FML

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By neverhavingkids - 21/1/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I found out how hard a lemon is to the nuts when being hurled by an angry girlfriend for losing at Wii Sports. FML

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Top comments

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7888188 - Sunday 8 March 2020 20:25

If you get a bad grade because he was to busy looking over your shoulder...or down your shirt, then he doesn’t deserve to even be a man he’s just a douche

By Itsheragain | 9

#7888279 - Monday 9 March 2020 7:50

i mean if he really fucks with your grade over that , walk up to him and slap the shit outta him forreal this time.

COMMENTS

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7888188 - Sunday 8 March 2020 20:25

If you get a bad grade because he was to busy looking over your shoulder...or down your shirt, then he doesn’t deserve to even be a man he’s just a douche

By RichardPencil | 28

#7888231 - Monday 9 March 2020 1:06

It doesn't work that way.

Your grade is based on your performance on the assessments of your mastery of the material. A dumb accident doesn't change a thing.

Mathalamus | 24

#7888316 - Monday 9 March 2020 9:50

You do realize there are people who would lower a grade due to dumb stuff?

By slowhandjp | 16

#7888260 - Monday 9 March 2020 6:05

It has nothing to do with your grade.

By Itsheragain | 9

#7888279 - Monday 9 March 2020 7:50

i mean if he really fucks with your grade over that , walk up to him and slap the shit outta him forreal this time.

By Mooglefox | 23

#7888387 - Monday 9 March 2020 16:48

That is how I found my current girlfriend. She was walking up to me from behind, raised my hand, and smacked her in the nose.

By carrs2154 | 9

#7888468 - Monday 9 March 2020 23:08

I'm pretty sure a teacher isn't going to lower your grade for that. That's ridiculous.