By anonymous - Canada

Higher education

Today, I realized that all the swirling techniques I learned in chemistry labs has helped me to swirl alcoholic ingredients properly in my drinks to get the best mixtures. Thanks university. FML

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Late term

Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

By notAMrs - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, I called off my engagement, after finding out my fiancé is cheating on me. I recently started a new job, and in anticipation of getting married, I asked that my username include his surname. They can't be changed, so now I get to log in every day under that sorry bastard's surname. FML

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By rr - Canada

Today, I started my job as an assistant to a beekeeper. I forgot to put gloves on, and got stung like crazy. My hands swelled up to the size of baseball gloves. Turns out, I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By varsity soccer player - United States

Today, I had my first day of soccer tryouts. We began with a two mile run. Trying to be honest for once, I didn't lie about my time. Everyone else did. I thus got the worst score, and had to run it again. FML

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By Ignitingmylightsaber - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I had the weekend all to ourselves. On the second day, we finally got intimate, with me doing all she asked of her. In return for hard-work, she took my meat in her hand and started making lightsaber noises, before pronouncing "I don't see why people like it so much." FML

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By awalc - United States

Today, I woke up with Skittles super glued to my forehead. FML

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By missyoudad. - Australia

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom borrowed my computer without my permission and downloaded a virus. I came home to a blue screen of death. She refuses to admit fault and pay for a new computer. FML

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By Anonymous

Grossed out

Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML

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By Marc - Hong Kong - Tsuen Wan

Today, it's been almost 2 months since I moved into my new place, and it's the first time a girl has slept in my bed. I also slept on my new couch for the first time. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my friend was extremely constipated when he used my toilet. I'm now having to go buy a new toothbrush, because he used mine to dig out his shit. FML

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By weirdthingtosay - United States - Kalama

Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML

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By mylifeblows - United States

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Breeders

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

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By Anonymous

Battery

Today, at work, I was talking to a colleague about what the worst pain he ever experienced was. He said his was being bitten by a dog, and I said I didn't know. Next thing, I was kicked in the balls from a behind by another work colleague. She said, "What about that?" I agreed, it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Monson

Today, I realized that all the times I checked behind the shower curtain before peeing didn't prepare me for what to do if someone was actually there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Get where you can!

Today, I realized how bad my sex life is when I scratched a mosquito bite and almost had an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I was riding a bike when a truck accidentally hit me. The handsome driver came out and asked if I was alright. I said, "I am now" and winked. He said "Eww, no" then immediately ran away and drove his truck around me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came out to my therapist as gay. Claiming that my parents "can't be that homophobic", my therapist outed me to them. They kicked me out of the house. FML

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By BakedBat - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

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By welp24

Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2021 19:59 - United States - Pittsburgh

Just a prank, bro

Today, my kids found out how to control my Google alarm clock with their phones. While I was gone, they set it to play screamo metal at max volume, then paused it. Sometime after midnight, as I was sleeping, they pressed play. FML

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By Done me over but good - 16/6/2021 16:01

Trainwreck

Today, I asked my son to keep my new girlfriend secret from his mom until our divorce was final, and he ran straight to her. She told the judge I was unfaithful and wants more money from our settlement. My son doesn't give a shit about snitching on me, because she's giving him a percentage of the new settlement. FML

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By radiant - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to get liposuction. She said "Whats the point? Its not like you can get lipo on your face!". FML

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By scarlet - Canada

Today, on the bus, a large smelly man was sat next to me, pushing me against the divider and sliding into me on every turn. When he got up for his stop, his pants had loosened and his bare ass was staring me in the face. FML

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By NYCguy - United States

Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?" I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML

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By jennabean - United States

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

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By notatherapist - Netherlands - Huizen

Went a bit too far, Sigmund

Today, my boyfriend and I were roleplaying therapist and patient in bed. When I playfully asked him what bothered him, he told me his mother hates him and burst into tears. FML

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By Scat - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I looked sad. I told him that I found out a co-worker died over the weekend and I failed my final exam. He then informed me that my toilet was clogged again, that he had a lot of work to do, and left. I have to find a plunger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Trenton

Today, I walked from my friend's wedding to my divorce. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a girl with a picture of One Direction as her desktop asked if I wanted to partner with her on a 70% law assignment. Two hours after saying no, I found out that she's a legal genius with a guaranteed job in the field and a near perfect GPA. FML

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By turtles_yup - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at a fastfood restaurant, I wanted to wash my hands. The restrooms were locked, so a cashier got the key and opened the mens restroom. This would have been fine if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By theshameofit - Cyprus

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

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By skinny & doomed - 6/6/2021 20:01

No pain, no gain

Today, after two full months of trying to gain weight, I haven’t gained a single pound. Instead, I now have severe and irreversible digestive problems from overeating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Smells like… victory

Today, they're pumping out the septic system in the building next door. I'm three months pregnant, suffering from morning sickness, and can smell everything within a three-mile radius. FML

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By iamnotfat - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's work to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I saw him look at his phone. His co-worker next to him asked who that was. He replied, "Just this fat chick I know." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I woke up to my dog laying on the pillow next to me. When he saw that I was awake, he wagged his tail happily and then promptly sneezed in my face. FML

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By Demitrius_T - 19/3/2021 07:01 - United Kingdom

Workout

Today, after noticing weight gain, I purchased an ab belt. Despite no gym for around a year now, I assumed I could easily sustain an advanced level workout and put the belt on maximum strength. The first shock catapulted me off my feet and smacked my head into the wall, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

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By justonce - United States - Williamstown

Today, the boy who loved me and left me literally became the poster boy for my college. His picture is on the home page of the college website and on a banner in the cafeteria where I eat every day. FML

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Top comments

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7888768 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 7:07

So whats your problem? Get a job with that technique lol

By ojoRojo | 27

#7888794 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 9:45

I can only see this as a win. ??

COMMENTS

By Sagar Nair | 11

#7888768 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 7:07

So whats your problem? Get a job with that technique lol

By ojoRojo | 27

#7888794 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 9:45

I can only see this as a win. ??

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7889107 - Thursday 12 March 2020 16:40

Umm teach us your ways? Lol

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7889108 - Thursday 12 March 2020 16:41

Does this only apply to alcohol or also “mocktail” mixed beverages? What are ways you can “swirl” your mix to improve flavor?