Miscellaneous: Today, I found my husband farting on my pillows, bare ass. His... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 190

You deserved it 1 614

05/06/2013 15:08

Today, I found my husband farting on my pillows, bare ass. His only words were, "This isn't what it looks like." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 508

You deserved it 5 180

BO Central

Hiding from the drama

There's no helping some people

18/02/2013 19:11

Today, I was about to make out with my boyfriend, so I quickly swallowed my gum. Moments later, I started choking on the gum, and ended up spitting it out into his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 064

You deserved it 39 934

10/09/2013 07:35

Today, I bought $250 worth of groceries and was feeling rather good about myself because it's the first time I've been able to do so in months. When I returned home I found my fridge/freezer broken. Most of the food I bought was dairy or frozen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 006

You deserved it 3 791

29/10/2009 06:42

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I realized that the vibrator we bought got sent to his parents house. He picked it up from them, brought it home, and we discovered that they had already opened the package. They even tried to hide the evidence by re-taping it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 380

You deserved it 5 136

Different goals

By Baby bird - 23/05/2021 11:01

Today, I asked my husband if it was a good time to think about having kids. His response was, "ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NEVER." I’ve always wanted to be a mom and he knows that. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 422

You deserved it 534

22/11/2009 22:13

Today, while looking through a stack of possible pictures for Facebook, I found one I really liked, until I noticed that I have recently developed a bald patch. Problem? I am a 22 year old woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 937

You deserved it 3 044

Turn of phrase

By Anonymous - 07/03/2015 16:59

Today, my son was at a birthday party. After eating a plate of cake, he loudly asked the birthday boy's mum if he could have sloppy seconds. I don't know where he heard that phrase, but the other kids' parents shot me very dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 872

You deserved it 3 286

31/03/2015 19:24

Today, I was sitting in a library when a cute boy approached me, so I grabbed the nearest book. When he asked me what I was reading, I said I was revising for an English test. He laughed and pointed out that my book was in French. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 931

You deserved it 21 036

05/06/2016 21:26

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 410

You deserved it 1 490

01/01/2010 13:03

Today, while I was trying to get to sleep, I heard a strange noise coming from the bunk bed above mine. I looked up to see what it was and my cat vomited over the edge, onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 667

You deserved it 3 406

06/09/2011 18:53

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 618

You deserved it 2 412

15/02/2009 10:43

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 232

You deserved it 88 818

17/01/2013 00:35

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 034

You deserved it 2 142

26/11/2013 16:43

Today, I had a family get-together for my birthday. I got to watch all my family members get piss-drunk and argue over who's having the worst time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 002

You deserved it 3 534

03/12/2009 22:29

Today, I hired a professional makeup artist to apply my makeup for a wedding. After paying her $500 for the excellent job she does, and getting dressed, I grabbed the invitation to check out the address, and it said the wedding was on December 2. Today is December 3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 766

You deserved it 60 506

12/03/2010 07:35

Today, I went to the tanning bed. I laid down in the bed and turned it on and the fan started blowing. There was a terrible smell and I thought it was the person before me. Then I realized it was just the fan blowing my sweaty feet towards my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 853

You deserved it 32 317

21/03/2009 23:04

Today, after a hard day's work and emotional argument with my best friend, I sent my boyfriend a text telling him how much I loved him and cherished him in the hopes he would cheer me up with a romantic reply. He said "Sorry, I've only got 8 texts left." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 247

You deserved it 6 761

What Mötley Crüe call "Breakfast"

By oh no - 18/04/2020 02:00

Today, I think all those jokes my wife made about becoming an alcoholic during quarantine may be true. She came back from the weekly shopping today with 7 bottles of wine, a bottle of tequila and a 30-pack of beer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 242

26/07/2010 04:34

Spicy

Today, I told my girlfriend of 2 years that I was sexually abused as a kid. She was only the third person I've told. She reacted by breaking up with me because I "might do something" to her kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 411

You deserved it 4 499

Nice neighborhood

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 15:34

Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbors attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 848

You deserved it 1 780

24/08/2015 01:40

Today, I had my driver's permit in an envelope to keep it safe and a letter to mail out. I drove away from the post office with the letter in my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 628

You deserved it 8 739

Dat ass

By brandonborgie - 10/08/2021 04:01

Today, my boss slapped me on the ass and said, "Good work, princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 108

14/09/2009 22:22

Today, during a major fight with my boyfriend, I threw a necklace he had given me out the window, thinking it was just a cheap trinket. He then told me, for the first time, that that necklace had belonged to his now deceased grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 946

You deserved it 91 807

17/09/2015 02:51

Today, I tried the 'Casual Encounter' page on Craigslist. Three hours, a bunch of spam, and a 30-minute call to some company, speaking to some lady I could barely understand to recover the $40 somehow charged to my card. I think I might want to try other ways to meet people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 360

You deserved it 9 597

25/04/2009 11:50

Today, I was on a bus and a man was feeling up my butt. I was just about to step on his foot when the bus stopped and he slipped out. Only then did I realize he'd stolen my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 938

You deserved it 15 767

25/02/2016 06:12

Today, I said "I love you" to my girlfriend for the first time. She responded with, "I'm just gonna pretend I never heard that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 227

You deserved it 2 455

28/03/2012 16:01

Spicy

Today, my 27 year old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 351

You deserved it 11 964

07/12/2010 17:21

Spicy

Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 583

You deserved it 41 667

04/08/2012 11:35

Today, I was pooping at a local Target when I heard someone say "You need to eat more solids, you're pooping like a rabbit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 364

You deserved it 4 210

05/09/2009 04:06

Today, as I was using my mom's computer, a spider crawled onto the screen. So as per my usual reaction to seeing a spider, I smashed it as fast as I could. I missed the spider, but now I have to buy my mom a new monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 444

You deserved it 44 289

18/03/2013 22:34

Spicy

Today, it was my first time with my boyfriend, at his house, in his Dora the Explorer sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 517

You deserved it 9 104

Wrong sort of poking

By Anonymous - 22/09/2013 05:40

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend got out of the shower and tried to hit my forehead with his penis. He slipped and slapped me in the eye with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 067

You deserved it 9 712

20/07/2015 17:48

Spicy

Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knocking at our window. Well played God, well played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 183

You deserved it 9 165

02/06/2017 20:00

Today, I used a tanning bed at my local gym for the first time. I went in for the full allowed time of 9 minutes. I went to school after and everybody said I looked like Trump. Confused, I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My skin is orange and matches with my bleach blonde hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 707

You deserved it 3 871

16/06/2011 20:53

Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 306

You deserved it 3 549

04/11/2017 15:00

Today, I woke up with chest pain. It hurt just to breathe, but my parents made me go to school. We're sitting in the emergency room now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 598

You deserved it 253

Checked out

By Anonymous - 27/09/2019 12:00

Today, I went to Walmart to purchase a pregnancy test. I chose my checkout line carefully, to make sure I didn't see anyone I knew. After choosing one, I realized it was 4 o'clock on the dot. Shift change. My mom's best friend took over the shift just as I reached the checkout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 635

You deserved it 388

25/01/2013 18:00

Today, my daughter tried to cover up her relapse into pyromania by explaining to me that the reason our carpet caught on fire was because a hot coal somehow worked its way free from the fireplace. Our fireplace is electric. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 474

You deserved it 2 567

Show me where it hurts

By Anonymous - 21/11/2020 19:02

Today, I learned that pregnancy makes me more prone to migraines, but the only pain killer I can take makes me vomit. So I have to choose between being in pain and vomiting for hours on end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 95

Bad timing

By Frankie - 05/05/2021 00:01

Today, the company where I used to work at announced that there would be a staff reduction because of the low income caused by the pandemic. I just quit yesterday in favor of another job. All of my former workmates are getting paid their respective settlements because of this termination, while I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 712

24/05/2011 07:31

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 369

You deserved it 3 455

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:19

That's cute..

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:21

Go into the bathroom and clean the toilet with his toothbrush then be like "this isn't what it looks like"

Comments

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:19

That's cute..

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 20:56

Just like you? HAHA just kidding!

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 21:22

Lets hope you don't end up with pink eye, OP

anythingmustbe 18

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 22:26

#48 it says on your profile you like stuffed animals. It seems that you need to get stuffed.

dancinwookie 21

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 23:02

#48- What a horribly mean thing to say to a person, even for the internet. Why? What need of your's was filled by such a low brow insult to her? And, out of no where? What the hell is the matter with your type? Why add more hatred and resentment to the world?

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 23:18

#1. Ah my apologies. I didn't mean for it to sound so offensive. It was a horrible attempt at trying to be funny. Sorry about that.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Thursday 6 June 2013 0:43

I like that whale in your picture 64..not! I actually do though...

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Thursday 6 June 2013 4:26

#48 Don't know how I'm going to recover from that one...

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Thursday 6 June 2013 6:05

#1 yeah if you ENJOY PINK EYE!! Lol jk

htownpostman 16

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Thursday 6 June 2013 13:34

What am I missing? I see "that's cute" ," then just like you".. Where is the insult? I must be stupid this AM cuz it's way over my head

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Thursday 6 June 2013 14:44

I think he/she meant 57. Now his comment was rude.

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Thursday 6 June 2013 19:35

He was only joking around...no need to make it into such a big deal.

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Monday 17 June 2013 11:00

I think she's cute.

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Friday 12 June 2015 4:55

Omg get some thicker skin that's not mean at all.

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:20

Lovely, eh?

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:21

"oh really? Looks like i wont be in the mood for sex anymore"

boredSOLDIER 33

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:29

If he is damn near shitting on her pillow i don't think he cares.

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:33

#3 "Then it's exactly what it looks like"

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 20:04

Hahaha

Dusty_Busters 15

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Thursday 6 June 2013 1:51

One of those girls huh?

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:21

True love. He just wanted to surprise you with a lovely case of pink eye. Fuck edible arrangements!

dancinwookie 21

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 22:54

Same here. "I thought that was just your musk!"

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Thursday 6 June 2013 1:31

Odorable arrangements?

NewYorkMexPR 14

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:21

Now thats what marriage is all about

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:21

Go into the bathroom and clean the toilet with his toothbrush then be like "this isn't what it looks like"

YeahYeahYeahOK 6

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Thursday 6 June 2013 13:15

Hell Yeah!!!

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:22

WTF

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Thursday 6 June 2013 2:37

..... Kind of comment is this??

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:22

'murica

LosAngelesGalaxy 7

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:23

You better hope that wasn't your pillow

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:36

It was.

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:59

The FML says that it was hers.

n4ture 20

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Thursday 6 June 2013 9:09

#10 did you not read?

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:23

....The fuckle? Hope he remembers which he did that to, or else he's gunna be the one having fun with pink eye.

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:24

Gonna*

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:27

Going to* As both "gunna" and "gonna" are slang and mean the same thing, I don't see how your correction is valid.

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 20:19

*gunga din

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Wednesday 5 June 2013 22:13

If you're gonna go slang, you might as well go 'finna'. It's more common in lower socioeconomic areas for all the wannabe OG's, it's a plausible typo for 'gonna' so you can laugh at people for being street ignorant, and it's still a contraction. All things we love / hate.

SirCharles83 13

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Thursday 6 June 2013 4:59

56- I'm finna thumb you up yo!