Logic 101

By Anonymous - 07/03/2020 17:01 - Canada

Today, my 17-year-old daughter didn't do the laundry. Her excuse? "If it was meant to be done, it would have done itself." This is the same daughter who yesterday tried convincing me she was responsible enough to get a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 464

You deserved it 230

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Triage

Leech

By Potted - 16/11/2015 02:34 - United States - Denton

Today, after my close friend had his baby, he told me that he was no longer going to be selling weed at his house. I was happy for him, because it's unsafe. Until I found out he was still selling at my house with the help of my roommates, without telling me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 881

You deserved it 3 887

By Rage - 08/10/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, while working on my girlfriend of three years' computer I found a file called 'My future wedding'. I assumed it was very old and decided to look through it. Of the list of 5 potential grooms I was not one of them. This didn't bother me until I saw that it had last been edited two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 847

You deserved it 4 464

By Anonymous - 28/09/2013 16:25 - Serbia - Beograd

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 665

You deserved it 4 368

By really?!? - 25/01/2013 15:49 - United States - Wendell

Today, I was driving my 9 month pregnant sister around in our golf cart and it died. I had to push it the rest of the way home. She wouldn't stop faking going into labor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 750

You deserved it 4 382

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 00:32 - United States - Omaha

Today, I came into the kitchen to see how dinner was coming along. My mother was milling the meat around the skillet with the cat's poop scooper as a spatula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 573

You deserved it 2 912

By eeh - 07/05/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 592

You deserved it 103 278

By helplesssssss - 07/08/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I took a shower in a beachhouse we're renting for the week. Once I get out, I realize the house doesn't supply towels, my entire family was outside in the front yard, my cell phone was upstairs, and there are no blinds. I stood under a ceiling fan naked for 20 minutes trying to dry off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 063

You deserved it 15 129

By kjmsit - 16/06/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 639

You deserved it 23 379

By historyrepeats - 11/07/2019 04:00

Today, I woke up to a Swastika, "Go home" and "Trump2020" spray-painted on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 528

You deserved it 293

By itrustedsnapeallalong - 28/08/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, for the first time, I hugged the man I have been in love with for four years. It was a congratulatory hug at his wedding to my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 861

You deserved it 14 436

Boundaries, dude!

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 06:01

Today, I was awoken by the sound of my dorm roommate having sex three feet from me. He was sober, knew I was there, and has a deployed military girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 351

You deserved it 206

By Anonymous - 01/02/2011 02:39 - United States

Today, I politely complimented a stranger's excellent posture. She responded by saying "I have a metal rod in my back." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 511

You deserved it 7 170

By Gore - 18/06/2019 21:13 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was going to record a song I wrote for my dad, who I haven't spoke to in a couple of years. After getting things together, I called my mom to let her know I'd be doing this. She informed me he died. A year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 504

You deserved it 423

By alissa_roar - 18/04/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me I was being too obsessive. This is the guy who has gone through my phone two separate times and deleted all of my male contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 708

You deserved it 8 482

By hell - 14/11/2015 21:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got called into work on my day off. I ended up being written up for being 15 minutes late to a shift I didn't even have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 822

You deserved it 1 763

M. Night Shyamalanadingdong

By Anonymous - 30/06/2020 05:02

Today, I went to the bathroom after a terrible job interview. My interviewer walked in with another guy, talking about my interview, saying he was obviously going to hire the other guy because my odd-sounding name was too hard to pronounce, yet alone spell in multiple emails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 293

You deserved it 138

By WellFineThen - 17/04/2017 05:00 - United States - Cedar Falls

Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 927

You deserved it 266

By impatient amy - 27/01/2009 14:23 - Ireland

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I had bad stomach cramps so I asked if I could use the bathroom. After half an hour, I flushed the toilet, it backs up and floods the bathroom. To make things worse, when I opened the door, I slipped on the wet tiles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 820

You deserved it 2 853

I'm not sad. Or am I?

By Dr Pepper - 22/05/2019 18:05

Today, to protect me from the 'bad people' out there, my mom bought some pepper spray. While trying to test it, I accidentally sprayed myself in the eyes. Now, every person I meet asks me what I've been crying about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 870

You deserved it 1 591

By Anonymous - 11/03/2016 19:44 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 458

You deserved it 1 358

By GothicbunnyxC - 28/01/2012 23:31 - Canada

Today, I was going through airport security. Trying to get things over and done with quickly, I dropped my pants without a second thought. Turns out they just wanted me to remove my shoes and belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 647

You deserved it 35 342

By InvAzn - 14/12/2017 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate with each other, starting with some foreplay. Before he fingered me, he put on a blue surgical glove, claiming that "down there is dirty and smelly" and he didn't want it on his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 470

You deserved it 2 302

By sad associate - 19/12/2016 01:51 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 803

You deserved it 1 373

By poorhamster - 23/10/2010 06:22 - United States

Today, I found my pet hamster that escaped yesterday, wet and soggy, next to my pet dog. My dog chewed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 008

You deserved it 3 904

By ms98 - 05/08/2014 04:52 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I was shopping when I suddenly slipped on the wet floor and my basket and my groceries were flung everywhere. Moments later, one of the cleaners walked over holding a "wet floor" sign, saw me and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 676

You deserved it 3 660

Cheeky little bastards

By weeping_willow - 01/06/2020 08:00

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, that I now have to replace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 630

You deserved it 156

By Anonymous - 28/05/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 101

You deserved it 53 811

By no more mr nice guy - 27/12/2016 07:32

Today, my friend invited me, his girlfriend, and the girl I like over to his house to hang out. We hoped it would get me closer to my crush. The day ended with them having a threesome and me locked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 881

You deserved it 930

By Mimi - 29/11/2012 05:29 - United States

Today, I was shopping when I overheard a woman telling an employee that she was buying an iPad for her 5-year-old son. Annoyed, I turned around and ranted about how he should have more age appropriate toys. Then she explained that her son is autistic and will be using the iPad to communicate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 875

You deserved it 93 545

By Anonymous - 03/10/2016 14:09 - United States - East Brunswick

Today, while working the Sunday rush at the deli, I held up a piece of ham to a blind customer and asked him if it was thick enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 144

You deserved it 3 552

By Anonymous - 01/01/2013 18:23 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up to a small fire on my roof, burning up small twigs and branches. The cause? Last night, I threw a sparkling firecracker up very high, only to have it blown onto my roof by the wind. It's going to take $2,000 to fix the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 963

You deserved it 52 321

The bird

By Mariah Barnes - 24/07/2020 08:01

Today, I saved a baby bird from the site I work on. It was the runt and did not have any feathers and was neglected by the mother. I took care of it all day at work and planned on taking it to a wildlife reserve after work. Two minutes away from the reserve, we hit a pothole and I dropped it. It died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 581

You deserved it 203

By MrTandy - 16/09/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 547

You deserved it 3 685

Suspicious Minds

By Anonymous - 29/04/2021 20:08

Today, I found out that my parents have always believed that every single time I have ever showed emotion, I was faking it and that I'm actually a sociopath with no feelings. I was kicked out of the theater department at my college for my poor acting skills, and they know it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 63

By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 01:31 - United States - Danbury

Today, I had to slowly explain to my mother that Americans are not the only people who celebrate Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 180

You deserved it 2 880

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I called a wrong number. Calling back the right person, I began a long story about how I'd just called the wrong number. It was the wrong number lady again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 829

You deserved it 39 450

By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 10:18 - Australia

Today, I swapped a shift so I didn't have to work on new year's eve. An hour later I realized I didn't have anyone to spend it with. I swapped it back. I'll be ringing in the new year with my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 450

You deserved it 4 408

By Anonymous - 24/08/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I ended up gashing my leg rather badly on the corner of a chair, fell to the ground with a very loud thud, and yelled "OH F*CK ME!!". I hobbled to the bathroom making more noise in the process. My neighbor came by and asked if I could "keep my sex noise to a minimum". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 601

You deserved it 7 549

By Anonymous - 29/07/2012 05:27 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I learned that if you go through your best friend's phone, you can find sexy texts and nude pictures between him and your girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 909

You deserved it 5 048

By JefferyT - 03/06/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, I was taken to my first session with my psychiatrist. The entirety of the facility, from the waiting room to the doc's office was decorated with dead butterflies in glass. I was there for my crippling mottephobia, the irrational fear of moths and butterflies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 778

You deserved it 4 540

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Top comments

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

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Saturday 7 March 2020 21:02

guess she isn't getting a dog then

Erin Harned 9

Sunday 8 March 2020 12:25

Your daughter is 17, not 7 and should have been taught better by this point in her life.

Comments

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

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Saturday 7 March 2020 21:02

guess she isn't getting a dog then

mike3775 34

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Saturday 7 March 2020 21:56

My kid would be wearing what I picked out for them if they ran out of clean clothes. My kids do their own laundry when they reach double digits in age.

WistayShlaio82 13

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Sunday 8 March 2020 1:41

When she moves out and realizes the rent isn’t going to pay itself, she’ll learn

Erin Harned 9

Sunday 8 March 2020 12:25

Your daughter is 17, not 7 and should have been taught better by this point in her life.

DramaQueen 5

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Sunday 8 March 2020 22:44

Did you at any point parent this child?

bl3ur0z3 17

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Sunday 8 March 2020 23:49

I'd suggest options to teach her responsibility, but clearly parenting isn't your forte.

Clai Re 3

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Friday 13 March 2020 1:34

Having a dog taught me what responsibility is. She is like my daughter and I love her, her name is Jessi... and tomorrow she is going for a surgery, wish her luck pls.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 249

You deserved it 65

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 696

You deserved it 214