By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 17:01 - Canada

Logic 101

Today, my 17-year-old daughter didn't do the laundry. Her excuse? "If it was meant to be done, it would have done itself." This is the same daughter who yesterday tried convincing me she was responsible enough to get a dog. FML

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Understandable

Boozehound alert

Gas giant

By Anonymous - 4/4/2012 04:48 - United States

Today, in my psychology class, the creepy guy who sits beside me every day leans over and says, "I have an upset stomach, I may have to use the bathroom." FML

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By googlefreak54321 - 25/7/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I went out to go meet up with a guy. I walked all the way to his house just to see him. Then he made me hide behind a bush till his girlfriend left. FML

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By mom - 6/12/2012 19:23 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I was visiting my daughter, whose husband was still asleep at noon. I made a point of stomping around on the hardwood floor and speaking loudly to wake his lazy ass up. Turns out he's now working a 14-hour graveyard shift, and it has no negative effect on his shoe-throwing skills. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2013 00:06 - United States - Marysville

Today, my little sister asked me to open a jar of pickles for her. I struggled a little until the lid busted open, and pickle juice poured over my pocket and the iPhone inside. My sister then sniffed the jar, made a disgusted face, and ran out. FML

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By bitty - 11/1/2011 14:45 - United States

Today, some construction workers kept going in and out the door next to my cubicle. They decided it would be easier to just prop the door open for the next hour. It's 20 degrees outside, and I'm wearing a dress. FML

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By lalibear - 3/5/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

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By Leauge - 28/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Owensboro

Very smart

Today, I woke up to find out my house was robbed. He didn't steal anything of value, but he stole my beer, dog, and cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 20:00

Today, we'd booked a spot for 20 people for my grandma's birthday. Turns out the reservation didn't go through. Now 20 people are waiting inside and outside for a group of old people to finish eating. They just barely got their food. FML

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By nocanhaz - 16/8/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

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By A2 - 28/6/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I was at the movies with my mom and dad, and the preview to my "My Sisters Keeper" came on. The trailer started out with "Most babies are accidents..." Right as that line was finished my mom elbowed me and laughed. FML

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By Jeri - 12/2/2010 08:41 - United States

Today, the day of my 29th birthday and two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary, the only thing my husband got me for my birthday was divorce papers. Happy birthday, bitch. FML

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By kill me - 7/5/2016 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to repeatedly explain to my nosy, interfering, clingy, no-concept-of-personal-space mom that I'm not okay with her moving into my new house, or the same neighborhood, or even the same goddamn state as me when I get married next week. FML

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By fml - 20/5/2010 21:32 - Canada

Today, my dad screamed at me, called me a monster, told me he wanted me to move out, and that I better start looking for an apartment. Why? I slammed the microwave door. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2012 07:03 - United States - Puyallup

Today, on my way to my therapist, my father told me to lie to her and tell her that I'm happy so he doesn't have to drive me in anymore. FML

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By love you too mommy - 27/1/2014 19:26 - United States - Brentwood

Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised because we don't talk much. I was left with a smile on my face after she left, until I realized she'd stolen all the candy on my desk while I wasn't looking. FML

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By nonexistant - 2/10/2009 19:32 - Canada

Today, while I was at a business supply store, I decided to get my old paper birth certificate laminated so it wouldn't deteriorate further. The people working decided to wait until after it was done and I had paid to tell me that laminating a birth certificate voids it. FML

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By LadyGrey - 27/1/2015 11:45

Today, returning home from a party, I realised I'd forgotten my keys. My roommate was sleeping so soundly that after an hour of throwing gravel and ringing the doorbell, I had to give up and get a room at the hotel over the road. For €85 I had a view of my room. FML

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By Impressionist - 25/8/2016 11:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I made quite an impression on my new bin men by forgetting to put the bin out 'til the last minute. I'm sure they enjoyed a good laugh at the woman in shorts, tank top and slippers struggling with a brolly as she slipped and slid while dragging her bin up a hill in a downpour. FML

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By missedout - 5/2/2013 22:48 - United States - York

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

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By stubble - 13/11/2009 06:26 - Canada

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 02:01

Lazy comeback

Today, I was doing my job and trying to teach a lazy bunch of 16-year-olds. A girl entered the room just 15 minutes before class ended, so I snapped, "Someone had better have died for you to be this late!" She immediately burst into tears. Turns out, someone had. FML

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By Goatbeard - 15/2/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2017 23:15

Today, I was blaring the radio to drown out the sound of the kids in the apartment upstairs. They then started jumping in time with the music. FML

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By Branman2480 - 19/9/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, while I was working at the golf course, two kids stole a golf cart and pulled a snowboard behind it. When I tried to stop them, they ran me over. FML

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By hellosir - 27/3/2011 17:55 - United States

Today, while at my dorm, I experienced a vomit-inducing migraine. In my hurry to get to the bathroom to puke, I couldn't find a pair of shoes. I urgently needed the toilet, so I braved the communal bathroom barefoot. As I opened the stall door, I stepped in someone else's fresh vomit. FML

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By why mom - 2/8/2016 23:52

Today, my straight, white, Christian stepmother greeted my black friend with, "Hey my n****a!" He hasn't talked to me since. FML

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By Sydney - 15/1/2013 23:16 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my mom we get Monday off due to Martin Luther King Jr. day. She then insisted that I had to go to school because that is "only for black people." FML

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By Heretique - 9/2/2011 09:30 - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

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By Deweyboy - 10/10/2015 04:33 - United States

Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML

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By boostedsaab - 5/2/2010 05:35 - France

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she can't treat me like the way I treat her. She said, "because you love me more than I love you." FML

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By Weedle - 4/6/2019 20:00

Today, I was at my brother's graduation. His mom was taking pictures of him in his cap and gown, but she got a picture of me sucking off a Coke bottle for a laugh, and she posted it on Facebook. FML

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By Rob - 18/12/2013 17:47 - United States - Franklin

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

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By elovan - 25/7/2015 08:33 - United States - Des Moines

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

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By karmaquestionmark - 20/11/2012 02:04 - United States - Silverton

Today, my mom sold my Magic box at a garage sale because I "never use it." Locked inside it was my fake ID, a couple of hundred bucks, and a bag of weed. She can't remember who she sold it to. FML

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By fattie4life - 20/7/2009 22:33 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my little sister as she explained that all these guys like her now that she's so skinny and beautiful. My mom must have overheard me tell my sister that at least I was a cuter child, because my mom laughed and said, "Yeah right, we had to buy you fat kid diapers." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to work when I saw a really hot girl. Noticing that she, like me, had a Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I tried to start a conversation by saying, "Is that Double Ds you have there?" She didn't pick up that I was talking about the coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2018 15:00

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

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By Mal2222 - 12/2/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, at work, a man walked up the escalator with his chubby kid next to him and asked me where the shoe section was. I said, "For you or your son?" He said, "For my daughter." FML

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By Walter - 24/10/2015 03:17 - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

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By Still Waiting - 16/8/2016 18:54 - United States - Wenatchee

Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML

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Top comments

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7888001 - Saturday 7 March 2020 21:02

guess she isn't getting a dog then

By Erin Harned | 6

#7888124 - Sunday 8 March 2020 12:25

Your daughter is 17, not 7 and should have been taught better by this point in her life.

COMMENTS

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7888001 - Saturday 7 March 2020 21:02

guess she isn't getting a dog then

By mike3775 | 32

#7888008 - Saturday 7 March 2020 21:56

My kid would be wearing what I picked out for them if they ran out of clean clothes. My kids do their own laundry when they reach double digits in age.

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7888038 - Sunday 8 March 2020 1:41

When she moves out and realizes the rent isn’t going to pay itself, she’ll learn

By Erin Harned | 6

#7888124 - Sunday 8 March 2020 12:25

Your daughter is 17, not 7 and should have been taught better by this point in her life.

By DramaQueen | 5

#7888209 - Sunday 8 March 2020 22:44

Did you at any point parent this child?

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7888218 - Sunday 8 March 2020 23:49

I'd suggest options to teach her responsibility, but clearly parenting isn't your forte.

By Clai Re | 3

#7889200 - Friday 13 March 2020 1:34

Having a dog taught me what responsibility is. She is like my daughter and I love her, her name is Jessi... and tomorrow she is going for a surgery, wish her luck pls.