By whippingpost - 8/3/2020 04:56

Drunken lout

Today, I learned a co-worker called and awoke my boss at 3 a.m. to complain that I'd been "rude" to him. All I'd done was make a disapproving face because he'd been drinking and he was slobbering drunk, and wanted to charge his purchase to his employee account, a definite no-no when not on the clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1426

You deserved it

106

Tweet

Share

Dangling modifier

Sorry…

Doomed

By Okay - United States

Today, my sister had her first kiss. She was very excited and she told me all about it. She then asked me to tell her about the first time I kissed a guy, what it was like, who it was with, etc. I had to make one up. I have never been kissed before. My sister is 6 years younger than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39675

You deserved it

6097

Tweet

Share

By Daddy_issues

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of four years. She took the opportunity to tell me that she's pregnant. With my half-brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5230

You deserved it

259

Tweet

Share

By James - 31/1/2021 11:01

How could you forget?

Today, I realised that my birthday was yesterday. I was so busy with my painting work that I completely forgot. I realised when I got messages from friends in the USA, wishing me a happy birthday. Seriously timezones? FML

I agree, your life sucks

543

You deserved it

206

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, one of my teachers asked me to babysit their kids saturday night. She didn't forget that it was Prom night, she was going to chaperone it. My teacher assumed I wasn't invited to Prom... I wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71647

You deserved it

5185

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 15:01

Deez nutz hurtz

Today, I was about to have sex with my wife, so I walked into our room naked, but then whacked myself in the nuts with the door handle as I attempted to close it. She can't stop laughing, and I can't sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1823

You deserved it

454

Tweet

Share

By maddie94 - Australia

Stained

Today, I was in a shopping center when I went to the toilet. I came out, washed my hands and suddenly got a massive itch in my crotch. Without thinking I itched it. I then had to walk around the center with a wet hand print on my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12352

You deserved it

54430

Tweet

Share

By EB - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I asked my parents if they'd pay for me to go to the eye doctor and consider it my Christmas present. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27038

You deserved it

2397

Tweet

Share

By bad doc

Save Me

Today, I had to repeat myself multiple times and dumb down all my anatomical terms and symptoms while describing my illness to my doctor. I want to switch, but my insurance won’t cover another one for at least 60 more days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1336

You deserved it

140

Tweet

Share

By itwasajoke

Today, I ran into an old friend for whom I used to have feelings. I hadn't seen her in years, so I thought it would be funny if I went up to her and said, "Hey, you look familiar, do I know you?" She thought I had really forgotten her and burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8353

You deserved it

2301

Tweet

Share

By my boyfriend is a slut

Today, I took my new boyfriend to my step-sister's wedding. He knew more people there than I did, including 3 bridesmaids he used to sleep with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4795

You deserved it

480

Tweet

Share

By AbsolutelyEffed - United States

Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47023

You deserved it

30441

Tweet

Share

By WhyIHateTeachers - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25100

You deserved it

9104

Tweet

Share

By wowzersthatsucks - United States

Today, I got a facebook relationship request from my crush of 2 and a half years. I was so excited until he posted on my wall, "Sorry wrong Catherine". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52182

You deserved it

5915

Tweet

Share

By textraped - United States

Today, I jokingly had kinky conversation via text message with a good guy friend. He was pretending to be a stranger and was fishing for compliments and asked to have a foursome. Turns out, my friend lost his phone and I spent 2 hours talking to a pervert about what lingerie I was wearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55132

You deserved it

40511

Tweet

Share

By howtragic - Australia

Today, my husband wrote all these wonderful romantic messages to me via Facebook, proclaiming his love to me in front of all my friends and family. Too bad he hasn't spoken to me in "real life" for almost 3 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33489

You deserved it

3646

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was using a disabled toilet. I'm disabled partly because of spinal problems. While I was doing my business, the whole toilet fell to the floor, leaving me sitting in a puddle of my own urine and smashed porcelain, with even more spinal problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2359

You deserved it

90

Tweet

Share

By jfranklin - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making fun of a photo album on Facebook containing pictures of two friends who just got engaged. I jokingly asked her to marry me. She said yes. We have been dating for two months. She's not in on the joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12022

You deserved it

50134

Tweet

Share

By whyyyy - 17/6/2020 05:05

Dumbass

Today, my daughter shaved her head in solidarity for a friend who went bald from cancer. Normally this would be an amazing gesture. Unfortunately, her “friend” is a fictional character from a book she’s reading. My daughter had almost 24-inch long hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1575

You deserved it

408

Tweet

Share

By JerryClark - United States - San Bernardino

So beautiful!

Today, my best female friend sent me a nude to make sure it looked good before she sent it to the guy she likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2745

You deserved it

502

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Decisions, decisions

Today my boyfriend, whom I haven't seen all summer, blew off our date to attend a local chili eating contest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1406

You deserved it

274

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2847

You deserved it

438

Tweet

Share

By JG - United States - Melbourne

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29288

You deserved it

4181

Tweet

Share

By thirdwheel - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend pays my boyfriend to this day to take me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38660

You deserved it

3156

Tweet

Share

By Chad - United States

Today, my wife bought $80 worth of Glee songs on iTunes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56458

You deserved it

10439

Tweet

Share

By Sherry - United States - Middletown

Today, my brother had a party with over 60 people in my basement. It turns out that five different couples had sex under the same comforter. The comforter was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36883

You deserved it

3162

Tweet

Share

By fuck you retail - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl at my tanning salon was ranting about how expensive it was and how she wished there was a cheaper way to get a tan. I joked, "Like from the sun?" She angrily called me a "sassy bitch", screamed to my boss about me, and then threatened to sue us when he kicked her out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51485

You deserved it

4512

Tweet

Share

By Fluory - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I chose to date him. After going on for five minutes about how unique and funny he is, I ask him the same question. His reply? "You were the first person to ask me out." He then rolled over and fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30061

You deserved it

3938

Tweet

Share

By Manly Sneeze

Today, I would like to say I pinched a nerve throwing punches, but no, I did it by sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13008

You deserved it

1516

Tweet

Share

By MyPoorEyes - Australia - Melbourne

Today, it was my first day working as a pharmacist. I quickly discovered that customers not only think that it makes me qualified to offer free medical advice, but they also have no qualms about showing me their various lumps, bumps, and vaginal leakages. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33703

You deserved it

3744

Tweet

Share

By ssjin93 - United States

Today, I received two letters, one from my mom, other from my dad, about how much they missed me with me not being around them. I called my mom, feeling sad. She didn't sound sad at all. She asked me which letter was better. My parents were competing each other which letter would be more moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28160

You deserved it

2390

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out on a dinner date when suddenly a girl walks up to us and says to my date, "Girl, you can do so much better." Hearing this, my date looks at me, nods, gets up and walks off. I still had to pay for everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49393

You deserved it

3867

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at my mother's open-casket funeral, my sister-in-law went to pay her respects. As she stood in front of the body, she coughed, muttering "bitch" in the process. Either nobody else noticed or nobody cared, and she went on her way, noticeably not choked up at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45280

You deserved it

4340

Tweet

Share

By SeeBrendenBurn - United States

Today, I went to a rock concert and met this amazing girl. We started talking and then swapped cell numbers. Five minutes later, she asks to see my cellphone, so I gave it to her. Once I got home I went to text her and saw that she deleted her number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35690

You deserved it

5644

Tweet

Share

By God hates me - United States

Today, the pharmacy lady wished me a happy birthday. I was buying the morning after pill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34016

You deserved it

8205

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I got hit in the face by a ping-pong ball. It hit me so hard, it burst a big zit on impact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25876

You deserved it

3219

Tweet

Share

By Sheev - United States - San Francisco

This Charming Man

Today, I was texting the guy I like. I asked him why our friend didn't want to come to the movies with us. He replied, "She didn't want to be the third wheel, but it's not like I'm going to put the moves on you. I'm out of your league, and you're socially awkward anyway." That's just what I wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1731

You deserved it

279

Tweet

Share

By FML - United States

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38138

You deserved it

7477

Tweet

Share

By The_Rest_of_the_Story - United States - Effingham

Today, I would like to thank the program designer that put "Set as home page" directly under "Remove from history". FML

I agree, your life sucks

42005

You deserved it

11353

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41196

You deserved it

5882

Tweet

Share

By fleatitting fame - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41834

You deserved it

3774

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Michael Sawyer | 8

#7888062 - Sunday 8 March 2020 6:25

We had an employee try to do this last summer during his first week on the job. let's just say he didn't last much longer after that.

COMMENTS

By Michael Sawyer | 8

#7888062 - Sunday 8 March 2020 6:25

We had an employee try to do this last summer during his first week on the job. let's just say he didn't last much longer after that.