By Anonymous - 11/3/2020 00:01

Mystery Girl

Today, I found out that my girlfriend actually broke up with me a week ago. Apparently, she thought it wasn't necessary to tell me, she just assumed I'd figure it out on my own. FML

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Vultures

Don't give up

Car Wars

By Awkwardly_dumped - 21/8/2018 14:30

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. When we took a break and went downstairs, he checked the mail. He had received a letter from his ex-girlfriend, which he opened in front of me. He then began sobbing on my shoulder and broke up with me. He still had to drive me home. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 01:28 - United States

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 18:08 - United States - East Northport

Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML

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By unknown - 24/1/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, I was driving to a blind date my friend set me up on. Feeling pretty excited, I started singing to Katy Perry. I look over to see a man laughing at me, I flipped him the bird and drove off. Little did I know, he was my date. FML

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By Tams - 12/9/2019 12:00 - Canada

Cheers, Henry

Today, my grandma and I went to visit one of her friends. The elderly gentleman told me I'd grown into a very beautiful young woman, to which my grandma replied, "Have you started in on the sherry early this evening, Henry?" FML

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By Fmylife.25 - 3/9/2010 19:56 - United States

Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

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By psychworker - 15/12/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

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By pootythe5th - 30/8/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

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By live2dance4ever - 6/7/2019 14:00

Today, I went to attend my summer school class again after being out sick for a week. When I said "Here" during roll call, everyone started cheering and clapping. Apparently, my professor has been badmouthing me while I've been absent for pretending to be sick. I'm sure my grade will be fantastic. FML

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By cartrouble - 2/10/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML

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By tailgaterhater - 17/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh... I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML

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By dammit - 9/6/2009 12:16 - United States

Today, my father's company shut down his branch, leaving him without a job. This is followed by a letter from my school's financial aid office, saying I'm not getting a penny because my family's income level is too high. FML

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By APetsPet - 5/10/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I got an email from the company that manages my cat's microchip informing me that I had to update my information that had been entered by the local Humane Society. Apparently, they listed my cat "Coral" as the owner, and me as the pet. To change it, they needed the cat's signature. FML

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By jakethemuss - 9/8/2014 23:03 - Australia - Perth

Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML

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By angie24w - 19/6/2020 07:55

On the ball

Today, after an emergency doctor told me to go to the pharmacy to get Zantac for possible stomach ulcers, I was told by the pharmacist that it was actually recalled a year ago. I had to pay almost double the price for another antacid. Thanks a lot for knowing your stuff, ER doctor. FML

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By lene - 17/2/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, the 9th grade dean called me into his office to talk. He asked me if I was new because it seemed like I was having trouble making friends. I've been going to the same school, with the same people, since kindergarten. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 06:53 - United States

Today, my very traditional parents told me that I should start a savings account for my marriage. I told them that I wouldn't get married until much later because I don't even have a boyfriend yet. They said, "Don't worry we already found a boy for you." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2013 19:04 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

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By Kate - 21/6/2017 02:00

Today, my 5-year-old cousin came over. We were on the trampoline in my backyard when he fell off and started crying and screaming. While I was trying to comfort him, my mom came out yelling at me for "pushing him off the trampoline" and grounded me for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2013 17:49 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I saw my former high school teacher at the mall. After a nice conversation, she mentioned that I "still dress like a slut." FML

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By thenewone - 19/11/2009 20:09 - Brazil

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. Later on, his mom pulls me aside and tells me to back off, saying he will never marry someone like me and he should be with a nice girl like his ex. They broke up after he found her in his bed with his roomate. FML

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By Anna - 15/6/2012 09:43 - United States - Buellton

Today, I was driving my parrot home from the vet. As I was driving home, I decided to let her sit on my shoulder. Something scared her, and she started flapping in my face, causing me to crash my car into a tree. FML

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By smiler - 17/3/2010 16:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML

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By Danielle - 10/6/2012 19:19 - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, it's day two of my family's camping trip. Despite the weather, bugs, and portapotties, we were doing okay, until the can opener broke. My husband is stubbornly insisting that we live off cereal and peanut butter for another five days. FML

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By Teen - 24/1/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, I was trying on clothes in a store that had just screens set up for changing. As I took off the first pair of pants had I tried on, my foot got hooked in the cuff and I fell out in my underwear in front of the whole store. FML

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By missbutthole - 4/6/2011 13:07 - United States

Today, after being chronically constipated for the better part of a week, I finally have the urge to poop. Too bad I'm 30 minutes early to work and locked out of the building. FML

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By SadDaenerys - 13/7/2016 20:13

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

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By Thanksmom - 18/3/2016 06:23 - United States - Riverside

Today, my mom yelled at me for going through her closet for some warmer clothes. She had a rant about taking her clothes without her permission, all while wearing a pair of my boots and one of my sweaters. FML

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By Notadrugdealer - 7/12/2017 15:00

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

Today, I was just browsing Facebook when my friend sent me a GoFundMe link. Someone wrote a page saying I killed myself and that we need money for funeral services. People are actually donating to it. FML

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By ElamentalAngel - 6/5/2009 17:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old nephew was sitting on my knee at the computer. He was annoying me as he kept on pressing all the buttons. To scare him off I did a creepy voice in his ear that makes him cry. He turned round and broke my nose. FML

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By idk ask freud - 4/7/2013 04:11 - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet dream. This wouldn't have been bad, had it not been about Velveeta cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2010 08:57 - United States

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

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By AbsolutelyEffed - 19/2/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML

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By TKPhai - 5/4/2015 03:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents, my aunt and her husband went out to dinner. There, my aunt told us that she was pregnant, and out of instinct, I asked her who the father is. FML

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By 16isntsweet - 20/8/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I had my sweet sixteen party. All my best friends came to the microphone to make a little speech. When my boyfriend came to do his, he broke up with me. FML

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By Hide -n- Seek - 16/11/2019 20:00 - United States - Grand Prairie

Hide and Seek

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

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By TheSuregeon - 18/3/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, I applied for my job, while working at my job. I hope they hire me. FML

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Top comments

By distortedcognition | 17

#7888711 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 0:11

Not the sort you want to pair with

By ahabsfan | 14

#7888732 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 1:48

Which you clearly did. She was right.

COMMENTS

By distortedcognition | 17

#7888711 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 0:11

Not the sort you want to pair with

By slowhandjp | 16

#7888724 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 1:20

How did you find out? Why didn’t you notice that?

By ahabsfan | 14

#7888732 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 1:48

Which you clearly did. She was right.

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7888736 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 2:42

Tell her "this isn't working out for me, I think we should see other people"

By Ashleigh Hewitt | 3

#7888741 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 3:05

At least you've had a week to get deal with it

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7888935 - Wednesday 11 March 2020 22:03

Kinda ironic that you didn't notice for a week!!!

By Itsheragain | 9

#7888975 - Thursday 12 March 2020 3:29

get with her bestfriend and just assume she'll figure it out on her own

By julfunky | 29

#7888980 - Thursday 12 March 2020 3:36

It’s hard to call it a break up if you don’t actually say anything. She’s a little bitch. Good riddance.