By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 05:01

Judge not

Today, my friend dragged me out of a movie because they swore a bit and there was drug use. Apparently, she's a Mormon now, and, "doesn't want her values compromised." This from the same girl who tried to get me to try crack a few weeks ago. FML

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Messed up

Basic Instinct

Toxic people

By Gary - Canada

Today, I was walking next to this building that was getting renovated, and read a sign that said "Watch out for falling debris at all times." While I was watching out for debris, I fell down a staircase. FML

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By rippedoff - Australia

Duped

Today, I found out that the man who sold me my car 6 months ago lied about it being "recently serviced" and "in excellent condition". It actually hasn't been serviced in years, and fixing all its problems is going to cost me $900 more than what I paid for the car. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - West End

Today, my dog chewed up my $120 dildo. Goodbye, sex life. FML

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By zain - United States

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML

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By kay - United States

Today, I received an e-mail from my stepmom. It was a picture of a boy that she said she thought I might like to know. Next to the picture was the message "he comes from a good military background". My love life is so pathetic that my stepmother feels the need to try and set me up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

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By peallow - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I asked my father if he was proud that I have never done drugs, never drank alcohol, never had sex, never had psychological problems, never been to the hospital for something serious, never been in a fight and maintain good grades. He told me I was a boring daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me his cancer test results came back positive. I congratulated him and asked how he planned to celebrate. It turns out a positive cancer test result is a bad thing. FML

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By Akwa - 18/11/2020 14:02 - United Kingdom

You're just saying that…

Today, my mother and I got complimented on how we look alike. She's a German blonde and I was adopted from Vietnam. FML

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By Anonymous

Love is strange

Today, I learned that, just like in the movies, your ex-boyfriend can eventually wind up being your stepfather. FML

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By Hatemyjobbb

Today, my boss had me walk a mile to the nearest store to get food for a party because she didn't want to lose her parking space at work. Her shopping list had two gallons of juice and a 10lb bag of ice... I had my legs and arms. FML

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By bsulyingb - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "our priorities aren't the same." Her priorities turned out to be getting into my coworker's pants. FML

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By iamrose - United States

Today, as I was rehearsing a kissing scene for a play, I realized that before this play, the last guy I had kissed was the same one I was kissing now. It was also for a play. Four and a half years ago. FML

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By googlefreak54321 - United States

Today, I went out to go meet up with a guy. I walked all the way to his house just to see him. Then he made me hide behind a bush till his girlfriend left. FML

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By (not) fucked - United States - Kingsville

Today, my girlfriend decided that we won't be having any more sex until I beat her ridiculously high score on Flappy Bird. FML

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By painful - Norway

Today, I was stuck in the car with my grandma for an hour as she described to me how she had looked through my great grandma's poop to make sure her calcium pills were being digested. FML

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By Alex - United Kingdom - Greenford

Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML

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By Anonymous

Creep

Today, I found out that the guy I've been anonymously sexting with through an adult website is the seriously creepy stalker-ish front desk worker from our office building, who also happens to be the building owner's son. Shit. FML

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By braceface - United Kingdom

Today, I worked up the courage at lunch to sit next to the girl I've been in love with for 3 years. Everything was going great. That is, until I sneezed and my retainer shot out my mouth, and landed in her lap. FML

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By TheJoker - United States

Today, I was jogging in my neighborhood when I saw a kid's ball roll over to where I was jogging. I stopped grabbed the ball for the kid and started to hand it to him. He then yelled "Stranger Danger" and his parents came sprinting out. I had to explain the story to the police for 30mins. FML

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By that1summergirl - Canada

Riverdale is a lie

Today, I called my boyfriend at 2 a.m., telling him I couldn't sleep. He replied, "Well, I can," and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was operating on a young girl, when she began to awaken during the surgery. We quickly put her back under, of course, but now I'm terrified that she'll remember my profuse cursing and get me in the shit with my curmudgeonly killjoy of a boss. FML

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By runescapeftw - United States

Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody. Apparently, she had public sex with another woman and wants me to come bail her out. Alex is my mom. FML

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By fuckfuck - United States - Fort Smith

Today, on my first day at my new job delivering mail, I was yelled at by a guy, who threatened to shoot me if I "trespassed" on his property. He made me toss his mail toward his porch from the street, before telling me to get lost. FML

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By Rai - Canada

Today, I got up extra early to curl my hair because I wanted to look nice at school for a change. After coming downstairs my mom yells at me and says, "See, when you don't wake up on time your hair looks like that. You could have atleast combed it!" FML

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By Tabby - United Kingdom

Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister and I were sick of living with each other, so we'd decided to go on separate holidays. I get to my hotel, then an hour later she rocks up to the very same hotel to check in. She'd booked her holiday using a magazine she'd stolen from my room, and ended up in the exact same place. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

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By yolo is for shitheads - United States

Today, I had to call in sick to work because I was experiencing bowel distress. I called my manager's phone directly so no one else would know of my embarrassment. She put me on speakerphone, and I only realized when the juvenile laughter started. FML

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By Third trimester - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I stepped into a subway car, I noticed some free seats and began walking towards them. A group of girls standing nearby looked at me, then at the seats, and made a run for them. They then high-fived, presumably as congratulations for sitting down before the pregnant lady could. FML

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By freaked out - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I discovered why my girlfriend is so obsessed with cutting my nails. She collects my clippings in a jar under her bed. She claims it will keep us together longer. FML

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By mikuxxhatsune - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was the organist for a wedding. I had practiced for weeks, rehearsed with the choir many times and spent hours stressing. During the wedding march, the electric organ malfunctioned, adding on layers of random notes I didn't play. Guess who got yelled at afterwards. FML

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By superjstorm - Philippines

Today, I went to the mall and couldn't find a parking spot. After circling around for 20 minutes, I finally saw a shaded spot in the uncovered parking lot area under a tree. It turns out, I parked under a coconut tree. I could tell from the coconut planted into my hood. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

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By bubblezzz123 - United States

Today, I went to a carnival. While walking around with my cousin, I saw a one hundred dollar bill on the ground. Just before I stepped on it, a man grabbed it. His words? "Don't you just hate it when that happens?" And he walked away. FML

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By Jane M - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mother came over to visit, and my kids started excitedly telling her Christmas is coming soon. She freaked out, saying Christmas is a "Satanic holiday" and telling them that Santa is going to hell along with everyone who celebrates it. My children are now traumatized. FML

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By Jane - United States

Today, I found out the weekly coffee talks my husband was having with his ex-girlfriend stopped involving coffee about 2 years ago. FML

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By Killmenow - United States

Today, I learned that my aunt, who lives with us, is using our chopsticks in her hair and putting them back in the utensil drawer without washing them. I'm the one that uses chopsticks the most. FML

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By Anonymous

The Guru

Today, my husband told me he'd met a life guru online who, after paying the £29.99 consultancy fee, advised him to seize happiness at all times. So he decided to seize the 19 year-old redhead across the street, move in with her and get her pregnant. This is the happiest I’ve seen him in years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Garland

Today, while on my Dad's computer, I looked through the browser history to find the name of a website I'd visited on it the other day. I soon found out he watches a staggering amount of downright frightening incest porn. I'm disturbed on so many levels. FML

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Top comments

By weeping_willow | 25

#7923100 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:20

She doesn’t sound like a very good friend.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7923105 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:36

just cut ties now to save yourself the headache

COMMENTS

By weeping_willow | 25

#7923100 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:20

She doesn’t sound like a very good friend.

By Mathalamus | 24

#7923103 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:25

Yeah maybe she is a recent convert?

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7923105 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:36

just cut ties now to save yourself the headache

By RichardPencil | 30

#7923106 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:49

She probably saw the musical and signed up.

By ladyoflaw | 3

#7923111 - Saturday 18 July 2020 6:46

It is possible for people to have an “epiphany” of sorts and dramatically change in a short amount of time. Ya never know

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7923210 - Saturday 18 July 2020 15:15

Friend can go outside by themselves and you finish the movie. That person owes you money for that movie.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7923283 - Saturday 18 July 2020 19:40

Well that’s an improvement at least!

By Brightside86 | 23

#7923305 - Saturday 18 July 2020 21:19

That's cool that your friend is trying to remove toxic elements from her life. Maybe support her, like a friend would?

By mrjiggles1992 | 18

#7923316 - Saturday 18 July 2020 22:04

Surely your mean moron?

By Amber Barkdull | 5

#7923334 - Saturday 18 July 2020 23:13

Sounds like she’s trying to be a better person.