By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 05:01

Judge not

Today, my friend dragged me out of a movie because they swore a bit and there was drug use. Apparently, she's a Mormon now, and, "doesn't want her values compromised." This from the same girl who tried to get me to try crack a few weeks ago. FML

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British Broadcasting Corporation

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Weird kid

By unknown - 30/3/2013 19:02 - France

Today, I went on my fifth date with my new girlfriend. Apparently, she was in such a rush while leaving work that she forgot to take off her wedding ring. FML

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By OverweightTeen - 14/1/2010 06:59 - Canada

Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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12927

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By BangBangBzzz - 15/12/2015 22:01

Today, I went for a much needed relaxing massage. As I lay down, the renovation works in the next building started up. FML

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19359

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By Jeff - 2/8/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, after a stay at the hospital for two broken legs, I finally got home and attempted to relax. My dad went to hand me the remote and dropped it right on my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1526

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By johnG - 21/12/2009 15:23 - Canada

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

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By pandaface - 18/2/2011 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, to wipe his crack, my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that I left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper. FML

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27570

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By Tess - 18/3/2020 02:01 - United States - Burlington

The Haunting of FML House

Today, hidden deep in my husband's closet, I found a shrine dedicated to a woman named Felicity. After further investigation, I saw printouts of my husband's detailed fantasies of phone sex conversations with Felicity. Felicity was his first wife, and has been dead for nine years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1927

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By Samsonites - 28/3/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell him I love him. He told me that he loved me too... like a sister! The love of my life has been sleeping with his "sister" for three months. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 21:15 - United States

Today, my husband was kind enough to hold my hair back while I was going down on him, but didn't have the thought to comfort me this morning while I suffered the effects of morning sickness. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2015 22:26 - United States - Irving

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

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By notmyday - 25/2/2009 23:26 - United States

Today, we were fooling around and I was just about to orgasm when she looks at my clock and says "I have to go LOST is on in 20 minutes." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2011 23:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

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By Wifewithquestions - 26/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Clarksville

Mysterious

Today, I found male enhancers hidden in the back of the car, which I'm assuming are my husband's, but we haven't been having sex. FML

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2364

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By Goldo - 22/6/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, my boss hired a feng shui consultant for our small office space. I am the only full-time employee besides the owners, and I work as an unpaid intern. My company would rather pay someone to rearrange my desk than pay me to work at it. FML

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By sofuckingembarassing. - 11/2/2013 19:19 - United States

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

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By well then... - 21/2/2009 23:37 - United States

Today, I was approached by a girl who called me a slut for sleeping with her boyfriend, then punched me in the face. I'm a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2013 10:30 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I spent three hours painstakingly installing and configuring some parental control software on my 11-year-old son's laptop after I caught him watching porn. Barely an hour after returning the laptop, I caught him watching yet more porn on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2012 18:12 - United States - San Jacinto

Today, it's garbage day. My mom accidentally threw away a receipt she needed to return something and told me to go get it. While I was looking for it, a cop gave me hell for "stealing recyclables on private property." This all happened in my front lawn. FML

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By continuouslyaddingdebt - 14/1/2017 22:00

Today, in an attempt to keep my valuables safe, I snatched my PlayStation 4 controller from the hands of my 4-year-old nephew. Not knowing that it was connected, I ultimately yanked the PlayStation and the HD Flatscreen flat on their faces. FML

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4043

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By I knew it! - 2/11/2018 17:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I woke up to 6 missed calls. I called back to find a woman asking how I know her boyfriend after seeing our texts. I told her he's been my boyfriend for 4 months, and she told me he's been hers for over a year. He vehemently denied knowing who I am as I spoke, even with obvious proof. FML

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3968

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2016 02:07 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, after much reflection, I realized my "happy childhood" was more like "the years I was oblivious to how much people despised me." FML

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21506

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By jasminejzhu - 14/4/2013 09:58 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after an exhausting weekend of work, I decided to take a nap. I was awoken several hours later by my mother-in-law knocking on my door. Apparently my 11-year-old called up grandma to complain that she was hungry and that mum was sleeping instead of cooking dinner. FML

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By GroosedOut - 20/8/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I saw my wife pick her nose and suck on her fingers. We're 38. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2010 14:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my dad touching his knob, in the kitchen, while cooking. FML

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39141

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By Waste Someone Else's Time - 28/6/2015 05:06 - United States

Today, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. The main reason being that he doesn't value my time, and fails to see how canceling at the last minute is rude and a major inconvenience. I wanted to be respectful enough by breaking things off face to face. He cancelled, at the last minute. FML

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28692

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By fmyjob - 2/11/2009 09:03 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for my first raise in almost two years, to which he replied, "In the real world, I think you've definitely earned one, but this isn't the real world." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36838

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2018 12:00

Today, I found out my son has been sneaking out of his room at night to see his girlfriend. He's a fully-grown 23-year-old man with a job and his own car. He doesn't need to sneak out. What an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2015 10:05 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML

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36022

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By anonymous - 20/4/2016 03:09 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I asked a short girl to prom by making a "You must be this tall to say no" sign. She grabbed a chair, stood on it, and then said no. FML

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12846

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2014 16:31 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML

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58059

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By bees - 9/10/2014 06:51 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was mowing my grandma's lawn when I was suddenly swarmed by bees. When my grandma saw me covered in stings later on, she said, "Oh yeah, there are tons of bees in the grass! Be careful!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36943

You deserved it

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By ummPORQUE - 7/5/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2015 09:20 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, my mother-in-law turned up at my doorstep close to midnight, drunk off her tits, crying about how my wife is punishing her and throwing her life away by marrying me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24064

You deserved it

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By Lovelysister - 21/10/2009 23:21 - United States

Today, I texted my brother saying, "Always remember I love you! Never forget it!" to which he replied, "You better not be doing drugs." FML

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29910

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By Lou Czar - 7/1/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML

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16734

You deserved it

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By FlyingWhisps - 27/9/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, my grandparents came to visit. So far, they have called me fat, bragged about how my cousin is better than me, and told me how I'm not good enough for them. It's okay, though, they gave me a pretzel from the airline and a textbook on physics. In another language. FML

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By thanksmom - 20/7/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65597

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2017 18:00 - Canada - Westerose

Today I started a new job, I found out that my employer doesn't follow the labour laws and my new co-workers are planning on reporting the owner of the company. The owner is my father, and I want to help them report him. FML

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6993

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By RyanTheMan15 - 31/10/2009 03:23 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house watching a home makeover show with her and her mom. The show's host had a giant portrait of himself on his wall and then I said, "I hate it when people do that, it's so stupid." Her mom stared at me and pointed to the portrait of my girlfriend on the wall. FML

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10509

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By bieberyoulittleSHIT - 31/8/2012 19:20 - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML

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8565

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Top comments

By weeping_willow | 25

#7923100 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:20

She doesn’t sound like a very good friend.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7923105 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:36

just cut ties now to save yourself the headache

COMMENTS

By weeping_willow | 25

#7923100 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:20

She doesn’t sound like a very good friend.

By Mathalamus | 24

#7923103 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:25

Yeah maybe she is a recent convert?

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7923105 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:36

just cut ties now to save yourself the headache

By RichardPencil | 28

#7923106 - Saturday 18 July 2020 5:49

She probably saw the musical and signed up.

By ladyoflaw | 3

#7923111 - Saturday 18 July 2020 6:46

It is possible for people to have an “epiphany” of sorts and dramatically change in a short amount of time. Ya never know

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7923210 - Saturday 18 July 2020 15:15

Friend can go outside by themselves and you finish the movie. That person owes you money for that movie.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7923283 - Saturday 18 July 2020 19:40

Well that’s an improvement at least!

By Brightside86 | 17

#7923305 - Saturday 18 July 2020 21:19

That's cool that your friend is trying to remove toxic elements from her life. Maybe support her, like a friend would?

By mrjiggles1992 | 18

#7923316 - Saturday 18 July 2020 22:04

Surely your mean moron?

By Amber Barkdull | 4

#7923334 - Saturday 18 July 2020 23:13

Sounds like she’s trying to be a better person.