By HkxAliso0302 - 3/3/2020 22:00 - China - Beijing

News from China

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

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Breaking Badly

The end of the road

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By sad as shit - United States - Conway

Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML

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By lacsmac2 - Australia

Today, there was a huge spider on my ceiling, so I grabbed a shoe to deal with it. Just as I jumped up to smush it, my idiot brother flicked the light off. I missed the spider, but it didn't miss my face as the impact caused it to fall. FML

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By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said: "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML

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By Lesser spotted female gaming nerd - United States - Arlington

Today, I finished reading a manga series on a website I go on all the time. As I read the last page I got a huge celebratory message from the website saying I was the first one to read every manga on their site. The website opened in 2011 and has over 30,000 manga. My God, I need a social life. FML

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By saywhat - United States

Today, I met the girl who dumped me because the distance between us was too great. We're in the same city again. She's now dating a Marine in Iraq. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

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By Meghan - 5/9/2020 08:01 - United States - New York

Breaking

Today, my mom told me that she had great news: we were going to meet my biological parents. I didn't know I was adopted. FML

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By mdsfkljsfsdrewr - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, less than a day after my cranky downstairs neighbor passed away, I woke up to banging sounds against his apartment ceiling, like the ones he used to make whenever I walked around during the night. I'm shitting myself in fear. FML

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By "Mom2grls808" - United States

Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month old on the floor (carpeted) in the livingroom. when I woke up my daughter bombed her diaper her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen....FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

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By alycion

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

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By dramaqueen - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he dates me. He immediately responded, "Well, TV shows are boring and predictable, so you're a good source of fresh and interesting drama." FML

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By ForeverAlone

Today, I asked my crush if she wanted to see a movie with me. She said no because she already saw it. The movie is coming out next week. FML

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By Anonymous - Greece - Athens

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

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By why - United States - Beachwood

Today, the family I was serving had ordered calamari and when I brought out the food, they started yelling at me because apparently their daughter was allergic to it. Just why would you order it then? FML

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By LemmyIsWet - United States

Today, I took a relaxing bath, but got the book I was reading slightly wet when getting out. I put it on top of the towel dryer after delicately shaking it. Five minutes later, I heard a splash; I went into the bathroom to find that my book had toppled into the toilet bowl. FML

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By look at the fucking universe, lady - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Marque

Today, my boyfriend called me anti-social. To prove him wrong I texted one of my friends. She texted back, "Who's this??" FML

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By Devin - United States

Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML

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By Nick - Philippines

Today, I laughed at a joke and it literally took me a minute to realize that it was me they were making fun of. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on Dr. Phil…

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I dreamt I had a secret admirer whom I met in person. She had red hair, a plus size body and a beautiful smile. This would've been great if it weren't for the fact I was a straight woman. FML

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By all5fingers - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, for the nth time, my father reminded me that I should study things related to the "real" world, as if I was studying theology, astrology or something. I'm studying for a master's degree in physics. FML

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By LadyJ - United States - Minneapolis

Little shit

Today, I had to tell a parent about her son kicking a boy in his class. She blamed me for not watching him. I wasn't watching him because I was turned around to care for another boy he had hit right before that. FML

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By lonely girl - United States - Oregon City

Today, I got angry after not being able to have an orgasm. What was I angry at? My own hand. FML

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By Anonymous - Isle of Man - Douglas

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. As I started getting close to having my first ever orgasm, I got extremely short of breath and started hyperventilating. His reaction was to cover my mouth to shut me up. FML

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By mystery - United States - Minot

Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML

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By Skidmark Sally - United States - Las Cruces

Today, while working at the daycare, I had to clean the entire place. During the next four hours, I scooped up three human teeth, a rotten log of shit, a tire iron, a condom wrapper, and a yogurt that expired in 2003. I only cleaned the place a week ago. FML

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By brbkillingmyself - United States

Today, in the second week of August, hell has come to earth; my mom has been playing Christmas music all afternoon and is already searching online for decorations. I hope she buys a length of rope to go with them, because I've already given up on life. FML

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By Nanabanana1 - United States

Today, I was dumped. My boyfriend was too afraid to break up with me, so he sent the girl he cheated on me with. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2021 11:01

Sounds fishy

Today, I told my wife I wasn’t comfortable with her going out with an old guy friend. Petty, sure, but our sex life is non-existent. I found out that she's been seeing him behind my back for months, spent the night with him last week and claims there’s nothing going on. Trying to decide whether I should stay or go. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the optometrist for him to buy contact lenses for the first time. He said the detail was much better than glasses. I excitedly asked him if he could see my freckles better now, and after a long and disappointed look at my face, he said "Nope, just more acne." FML

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By Chaosfigure

Today, after my driving instructor told me I should pass without any worries at all, I completely failed. I was hit by another car. While parked. FML

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By crazyman. - United States - Keller

TMI

Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML

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By ohseven6421 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

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By smoothcoffee - Australia

Today, the bank called saying we were late in the mortgage payments. I was puzzled because three months ago I issued a big cheque to my mum pay off the mortgage. I just discovered that she instead lost it all at the casino. Turns out, she's become a compulsive gambler ever since dad passed away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Right place, wrong time

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML

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By Anonyme - France - Ivry-sur-seine

Today, a man in a hurry asked me for a light. Not being able to find my lighter amongst the muddle inside my handbag, I handed him my lit cigarette so he could light his. He took it from me, started smoking it and walked off. FML

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Top comments

By malicemassacre | 17

#7887160 - Wednesday 4 March 2020 6:16

He is in China... corna virus people! It’s an epidemic for sure and it’s spreading to the United States.

By Mathalamus | 24

#7887053 - Tuesday 3 March 2020 19:09

The corovirus....It's been around for months and you didn't know?

COMMENTS

By distortedcognition | 17

#7887046 - Tuesday 3 March 2020 18:47

What epidemic?

Reply

Mathalamus | 24

#7887053 - Tuesday 3 March 2020 19:09

The corovirus....It's been around for months and you didn't know?

Reply

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7887104 - Tuesday 3 March 2020 22:52

Coronavirus COVID-19.

Reply

katydid91 | 31

#7887133 - Wednesday 4 March 2020 3:37

Are you being sarcastic or do you live under a rock?

By PlagueofFiction | 19

#7887097 - Tuesday 3 March 2020 22:19

I know the feeling, but not because of the same reasons...

By Itsheragain | 9

#7887150 - Wednesday 4 March 2020 5:17

please elaborate.

By malicemassacre | 17

#7887160 - Wednesday 4 March 2020 6:16

He is in China... corna virus people! It’s an epidemic for sure and it’s spreading to the United States.

By hfnsjsnsjzns | 18

#7887204 - Wednesday 4 March 2020 11:35

got your back bro, it'll be better for sure

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7887205 - Wednesday 4 March 2020 11:37

it can't have been good for you to have garbage in your house, should've thrown it out or is your bin in the city centre

Reply

Christina Winden | 19

#7887378 - Thursday 5 March 2020 5:40

.....I don’t think you understand the FML.

By Alai | 11

#7887676 - Friday 6 March 2020 8:56

God bless u. You should be thankful that you’re not in Wuhan