By hazyshadows - 18/3/2020 17:02 - United States - Edmond

Too many cooks, etc.

Today, I tried to make a grilled cheese sandwich for myself, but as soon as I started, my mom rushed into the kitchen and criticized me for making it "wrong". She then made the sandwich for me. It tasted significantly worse than when I make them. FML

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Sorry…

Fuck the patriarchy

Still pining

By mel - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went to a family dinner. My grandma wasted no time calling me a slut for not wearing a dress, my dad called my police officer boyfriend a "fucking pig", and then he told my mother to "put a cock in it" when she defended me. No wonder I hardly ever visit these people. FML

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By M.L. - United States

Today, I went on a busy train. I packed myself in close to a very good looking woman and, too scared to say anything, looked out the window. After feeling a hand on my ass, I assumed it was her. To not ruin the moment, I didn't look back. After a few stops, I looked back. It was an old man. FML

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By JessP - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered sex toys online and had them delivered to my dorm room. I put my parents' address for the billing information because I didn't want the bill sent to my dorm after I moved out. The toys were sent to my parents house instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. While he was dumping me, he was holding hands with his new girlfriend. FML

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By lea5459 - United States - Medford

Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML

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By Sneezy123 - United States

Today, I retook my ACT. I have been fighting a cold all week and have been very sneezy lately. Midway through the test, I got the urge to sneeze. Since it was very quiet and I didn't want to disturb the peace, I tried to hold my sneeze in. I ended up letting out a huge fart instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 08:02 - New Zealand

Great gift idea!

Today, it was my birthday and my first present was finding out that my girlfriend of five years has been cheating on me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend got into bed with me and started fooling around. I had a terrible migraine, which she knew, so I asked her to stop because it wasn't helping. She then yelled at me for being "ungrateful" and "selfish", and accused me of secretly being gay. FML

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By afather - United States - Worthing

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

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By fucked - Canada

Today, my boss - AKA Satan - told me I'd better watch out, because I'm now top on his list of people to lay off next time the company downsizes. All I did was give a report to the board admitting that our sales are down this year. He blames me for making him look bad. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, a total stranger on the bus called me hideous and threw a soda in my face. I only asked him if the seat next to him was taken. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cranford

Today, my brother met my girlfriend for the first time. Instead of making a good first impression, the first thing he did was talk about how he just took a massive dump and didn't wipe very well, and that's why his hand smelled bad. FML

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By Cultus

Today, I went into the tanning room at work, where the lady in there last had decided the trash can was a toilet and pooped in it. Before she sat, she took the time to wrap the edges in paper towels, I guess in case anyone else had done this before her. I had to clean it up. FML

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By mr - United States

Today, I realized every time I go to take a poop, my 9 month old crawls into the bathroom and sobs at my feet. I now have to let my 9 month old sit on my lap while I shit, because I can't do it any other way. The end to all privacy has now come. FML

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By Happyunlucky - United States - Andover

Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML

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By wut? - 4/5/2020 14:00

Notice me please

Today, my daughter has been locked in her room screaming and sobbing for the past 2 hours. Apparently, I didn’t make a big enough deal of her coming out, so I must not care about her. What I said was I didn’t care if she was gay, and that it wouldn’t change anything. Sorry for being accepting I guess. FML

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By pooplife - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I sat down for a poop. The toilet seat slid off immediately, taking me with it. I lay on the bathroom floor for several moments stunned, still pooping. FML

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By lottielondon - United Kingdom

Today, my garage was flooded. Everything was ruined. My garage also happens to be my study, in which my entire art coursework was drying. My exam is tomorrow and all I have to hand in is a pile of mushy paper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, the prizes were given to the employee of the month. They come in to surprise the winner and give prizes. They come over to my cubicle and cover me with silly string. Jokingly, I said: "Do you guys have the wrong cubicle? " They did. The guy in the next cubicle won. FML

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By tina - Canada

Today, I ran into my boyfriend at the mall, the same boyfriend that told me he was taking a family vacation to Mexico. FML

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By Dancing King - Norway - Egersund

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the gym for the first time. I knew I was in bad shape, but I bet her that I could lift more than her. Not only did I get my ass handed to me by a 5', 115lbs girl in front of the entire gym, I also have to attend Zumba in bright pink spandex. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML

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By anxiety - United States

Today, I had an anxiety attack because I thought I'd lost my anxiety medication. It ended up being on the shelf right where I left it. FML

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By reb2632 - United States

Today, I picked up my 4-year-old daughter from day care. As we're driving home, a butterfly lands on the windshield. Just as my daughter comments on how pretty the butterfly is, I turned a corner and accidentally hit the windshield wipers and smeared the pretty butterfly across the windshield. FML

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By devinbyrne - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML

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By Marfo101 - Ghana - Accra

Today, a pretty girl joined the line at the bus station. I let her skip the line and go before me so I could sit next to her. After she bought her ticket, I realized there were no more seats left on that bus. I was told to get off, and had to take the next bus, sitting next to a snoring old man. FML

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By hate

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

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By PeepShow - United States

Today, it was just too hot. I stripped down and, being home alone, pranced around nude, lip synching and playing air guitar to some music. I was getting really into when I opened my eyes and looked out the window to see an old man with binoculars on his terrace. He wasn't birdwatching. FML

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By ohboy - United States

Today, I was supposed to see an apartment. 30 minutes after I was to meet the owner, she still hadn't shown. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling. Finally, she answered, said, "I'm in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me," and hung up. FML

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By ModernDayMaid

Today was just like any other normal day. Spent the day cleaning the house from top to bottom. I felt great until I went into just about every room I’d cleaned and saw that it was messed up again with zero attempts from my stepdaughter to clean it back up. I really hate preteens. FML

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By yosmurf

They're perfect for each other!

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

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By kmtranter - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend using my hand to wank. FML

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By Forgotten

Today, my girlfriend has memory issues because of a car accident. She broke up with me because I was acting like if things were more serious that she wanted them to be. She forgot she proposed. FML

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By danielle - United States

Today, my friend and I wanted to get some alcohol (we're under 21). We went to a liquor store and asked a random guy to go in and buy us some vodka. After giving him $20, he said he had to go turn off his car, then he'd get us the drinks. He got in his car and drove off, with my $20. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cut my finger open with a spoon. After waiting for 4 hours in the emergency room, the doctor told me I was missing too much flesh to qualify for stitches. He then called 2 other doctors in to examine it. Apparently they had a contest for patient with most ridiculous injury. I won. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

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By Janice - Canada

Today, while jogging, I realized my face jiggles more than my breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am a 22 year old male with a 11:00 pm curfew. FML

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Top comments

By mackdeezy | 21

#7890501 - Wednesday 18 March 2020 23:30

I feel your pain. My mom is the same way. Even if it's as simple as a sandwhich, she has to push me aside and add all kinds of shit to it. Apparently the notion that i felt like just having regular ham and cheese one day is too mindboggling.

I appreciate what she does, but sometimes, i just wanna do things my way. Hope things get better, OP.

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7890497 - Wednesday 18 March 2020 23:25

It’s time to move out

COMMENTS

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7890497 - Wednesday 18 March 2020 23:25

It’s time to move out

By mackdeezy | 21

#7890501 - Wednesday 18 March 2020 23:30

I feel your pain. My mom is the same way. Even if it's as simple as a sandwhich, she has to push me aside and add all kinds of shit to it. Apparently the notion that i felt like just having regular ham and cheese one day is too mindboggling.

I appreciate what she does, but sometimes, i just wanna do things my way. Hope things get better, OP.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7890510 - Thursday 19 March 2020 1:32

You are wrong. Your taste buds need to be retrained. Mom is always right.