Holidays: Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't...

By Starter656

Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML

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Holidays

Dangling modifier

Territorial pissings

Minefield

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, my new boyfriend and I really wanted to have sex, but he went soft as soon as he entered me. This happens every time we try. I feel cursed by my year-long dry spell. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned my dog had eaten a roll of vet wrap, which is like a long strip of bandage. I learned this when she tried to pass it in the yard today, and could only do so with my help. It seemed to never end. FML

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By fml9124 - 10/7/2020 08:01

Unreasonable

Today, my company published "return to work" procedures for when the pandemic stops. HQ is in Maryland, I live in Arizona. I have worked remotely for the last 8 years. My new boss didn't know this. He wants me to move back to Maryland or find another job. FML

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By Just me - United States

Today, I found out that the man who offered to put up the woman I love in exchange for me helping out with his rent, has in fact been her "other" boyfriend since before she moved in. FML

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By Mel - United States

Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shit myself. FML

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By sucksforme - United States

Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Kensington

Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML

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By nzkristy - New Zealand

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML

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By Ginna - Canada

Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was using my phone while in a crowded waiting room, and I accidentally tapped on a YouTube video with the volume still at maximum. The first words everyone heard? "Fuck her right in the pussy!" FML

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By missinformed

Today, Geico called to tell me they were canceling my insurance. Someone I don't know got pulled over for drunk-driving and the police wrote down my license plate number instead by accident. Although the DMV says they cleared everything up, Geico still won't believe it wasn't me. FML

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By someone - Denmark

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

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By scaredofhedges - United States - San Diego

Today, I was on a plane and realized that the woman next to me was hiding a hedgehog in a plastic container. I'm severely afraid of hedgehogs but not wanting to give the woman up and get her in trouble, I tried to stay quiet. Which led to me to quietly hyperventilate and pass out on the plane. FML

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By coolcat10156 - United States - Keller

Today, while waiting the required 5 minutes for my hair removal cream to work, my cat rubbed all over my legs while I wasn't looking. After getting clawed to death throwing her in the bath to get the cream off, all her hair on that side fell off. I now have a half hairless cat. FML

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By itchybollos - Australia

Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML

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By imawesome - United States

Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML

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By radiationkillz - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought several bottles of Potassium Iodine pills and a gas mask, due to the radiation scare from Japan. We live in Texas. FML

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By Now What - United States - South Otselic

Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML

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By johnnycomehelpme - United States - Skokie

Nice try

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. Her excuse? I was the one that had initially introduced them. FML

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By Nick - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

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By sexyyy - Belgium

Today, my family and I were discussing my birthday in a couple weeks. As they asked what I wanted, I told them it was up to them. So my mother suggested that she'll get me electrolysis so I wouldn't have to worry about my mustache in college. FML

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By minikat

Today, my parents woke me up and grounded me for the "disrespectful" things I said to them in my sleep. Apparently I say these things every night, and each time I do they extend the grounding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I was fired from a job I didn't know I had. That is to say, the company hired me but didn't tell me, so when I didn't show up for work two days in a row, they called and claimed job abandonment. FML

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By MomLovesMeLessThanTrash - United States

Today, I slipped on a plastic bag that my mom, the hoarder, was keeping on the stairs. I fell and sprained my ankle, getting rug burn in the process. Her response? Getting mad at me, putting the bag back on the stairs, then getting another to add to the pile. FML

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By ohmigodimchokin - United States

Today, I was sitting at lunch and started choking on a chip. I couldn't breathe and nobody tried to help me. Having to take matters into my own hands, I reached for a juice box that belonged to someone sitting next to me. After I could breathe again, they informed me that they had mono. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2021 02:00

Fun for all the family

Today, my mom and dad got into a fight, during which my dad said to my mom that her health conditions were of her own doing. Because of that, I got pissed and had a fight with my dad, taking my mom's side. Turns out, my mom took his side and ratted me out. FML

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By Gbeat411 - United States

Today, I went to boxing and this hot chick asked me if I was wearing a sports cup. I replied yes, when I wasn't. I thought she was going to check with her hand and feel. She checked with her knee. FML

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By ribx - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, despite feeling healthier than ever, losing fat, gaining muscle and having perfect blood results, my morbidly obese relatives keep telling me that my new vegan diet is "unhealthy". FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2021 05:00 - Germany - Ebersbach

Wake up bark

Today, my mom taught her dog not to jump onto her bed without "asking". The dog figured that barking would be a good way to ask, and mostly feels the need to do that around 4 a.m. My room is right next to my mom’s, and I already have trouble sleeping. FML

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By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

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By WrongPlaceWrongTime - France

Today, my girlfriend came to my workplace to tell me she was breaking up with me. My boss, who was passing by, fired me for "chatting with friends" during work hours. FML

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By Diblo - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Diblo's story

Today, I was in a middle school for work experience. One of the teachers was reading the class I was in a story about a man called Diblo. Innocent enough, right? Nope. He repeatedly misread it as Dildo for the entire passage. The kids laughed. FML

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By NoNaMe - Australia

Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML

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By moresexperience - United States

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. Everything was going fine until my mom asked aloud "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied "No." I was painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

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By YOUNG1441 - United Kingdom - Cramlington

Today, after finishing a two-day course for work, I was informed that the days used will either be unpaid or used up as holidays, as it was for improvement of myself and not the company. They put me on the course without my knowledge until the weekend before. FML

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By ConfusedGirl - United States - Pittsford

Today, I came home early to surprise my boyfriend. I walked into our bedroom to find him in dressed completely in my clothes, and in makeup. It took me a moment to realize it was him and not a female intruder. FML

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By ugh - United States - Tampa

Today, my boyfriend came to my work, at a drive thru, in my car, and then got mad at me because I wouldn't give him free food. In his anger, he put my car in reverse and backed out of line very quickly, only to smash into a paying customer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

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By karlajjjjj - United Kingdom - Cold Ashby

Today, I was cycling home when I saw my sister, who lives a 4 hour drive away, walking past me on the path. I turned my head and called to her, causing me not to notice the pothole in front of me. My front wheel went in and I went over the handlebars. It wasn't even my sister. FML

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Top comments

By Allie614032 | 34

#7578697 - Sunday 24 December 2017 7:25

So say no... you're not obligated to drive them anywhere.

By Madrias | 36

#7578689 - Sunday 24 December 2017 6:41

Simple solution: Drive them to the party, then leave. Turn off your phone and screw them over. They can call a cab to get home.

COMMENTS

By Madrias | 36

#7578689 - Sunday 24 December 2017 6:41

Simple solution: Drive them to the party, then leave. Turn off your phone and screw them over. They can call a cab to get home.

By HoboMeth | 32

#7578691 - Sunday 24 December 2017 6:46

Call the cops on the party

bartsj1988 | 7

#7578750 - Sunday 24 December 2017 10:58

So Christmas parties are illegal if you aren't invited to them?

By Allie614032 | 34

#7578697 - Sunday 24 December 2017 7:25

So say no... you're not obligated to drive them anywhere.

2073521 | 9

#7578886 - Sunday 24 December 2017 21:24

maybe he/she is getting paid for it

By Brain_fart | 19

#7578712 - Sunday 24 December 2017 8:39

How did you get yourself in that situation? Damn, that's not ok.

By darkmind1 | 12

#7578718 - Sunday 24 December 2017 8:54

Then undesignate yourself. Or are you a complete doormat?

By FueledbyCookies | 15

#7578720 - Sunday 24 December 2017 9:01

Why are you even putting up with that? Just say no; you don't need to take that.

By murdomac | 9

#7578760 - Sunday 24 December 2017 12:17

Stop being a mug.

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7578762 - Sunday 24 December 2017 12:25

How are you designated driver at a party you are not attending? One of the people attending would have to be the designated driver.

By MidnaLink | 32

#7578780 - Sunday 24 December 2017 13:09

"So, I'm not even allowed to attend and so much as socialize with you, but I have to drive you fuckers home? No."

By acmariner99 | 24

#7578798 - Sunday 24 December 2017 15:02

This is when you say: No!