Today, I noticed a small bite on my arm. I couldn't figure out... - FML

By Shitsuo01 - 30/12/2016 01:56 - United States - Douglasville

Today, I noticed a small bite on my arm. I couldn't figure out what it came from until I saw a small insect crawling out of my bra. FML

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Yappy neighborhood

Weird kid

Everyone's an expert

By Lizzielollipop816 - 18/2/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 17:34

Today, I found out that what I thought was "acne" is actually an allergic reaction to a cream I've been using for years. I thought the cream was helping me with the breakouts but my doctor says the real acne probably went away naturally years ago. FML

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By ScrewedForCheapBag - 14/3/2013 08:52 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my car got broken into. A small folded plastic bag and a few toothpicks I got from a restaurant were stolen. It's going to cost me a few hundred bucks to fix and clean my car over a 10 cent bag and a few free toothpicks. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2012 18:15 - United States

Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me - it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We've been dating for three years. FML

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By nametag - 9/6/2009 02:07 - Canada

Today, I finally got my nametag. I had been using other people's names like Maria and Caie for a week, so I was happy to be called my own name. I put it on and got to work. Ten minutes later, I was called into the office. I got laid off. I got to wear my nametag for 10 minutes. FML

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By "ironyyyyyyy" -_- - 31/10/2013 16:58 - United States - Marion

Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event to raise awareness of pickpocketing and to give tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of it. After I got back home, I realized my wallet was missing from my pocket. FML

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By leopard - 1/6/2018 19:00

Today, I was finally confident enough to buzz half my hair off into the style I've wanted since I was young. Turns out that I have a particularly large and angry-looking skin problem across my scalp that may well have been there for years. It'll take months to grow back. FML

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By guaranteed service - 7/9/2012 06:49 - United States

Today, I wrote an e-mail to a friend stating how hot my client was. I waited for her response, but received a response from my client stating, "I would readdress this accordingly." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 01:28 - United States

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML

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By mvp - 26/7/2009 23:51 - United States

Today, my 50-year-old mother borrowed my denim miniskirt to go to the bar. In return, she offered to let me borrow her red "f*** me" pumps whenever I needed them. FML

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By pauper - 9/2/2012 01:20

Today, I came home to a homeless man sleeping in my living room. It turns out he thought my house was abandoned due to its disheveled appearance, and decided to break in. FML

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By Broon - 25/5/2012 19:55 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, on the brink of a stiflingly hot summer, I've come to a terrible realisation. It seems the apartment I've just moved into has been specially insulated to trap enough heat inside for the occupants to survive the planet's next Ice Age. FML

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By mustachioed - 29/9/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I tried to bleach my upper lip hair. I now have a bright red mustache. FML

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By shockedgirl - 16/1/2010 07:17 - United States

Today, I spent the day studying with one of my classmates whom I've just met. While studying, she kept bragging about her boyfriend and decided to show me a picture of him. It was my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2018 15:00

Today, I came home from a month long vacation to find my house absolutely trashed with a lot of valuable items missing. Burglary? Nope. My dad, who was meant to be house-sitting for me, let the neighbour's teenage son have several parties there in exchange for weed. FML

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By creys - 18/11/2012 07:04 - United States

Today, I went to Target with my dad, and he told me to get in the shopping cart. I thought he was being cool and wanted to push me around. He snorted and said he was thinking about crashing me into a car and suing the driver. FML

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By Spanner - 25/4/2019 00:00

Today, I realized why a female colleague keeps asking me if I'm high when I'm not. All I'm thinking when I see her is how glad I am to see her. Dilated pupils, flushed face, stupid grin on my face? I'm not high. I'm in love with her. She's married. Oh, and she wants to be my roommate for a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 16:12 - United States

Today, I called a suicide prevention hotline. No one picked up. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2014 02:39 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, an old guy phoned the cops on my daughter because she was drawing with chalk on the sidewalk. Apparently, he thinks it's vandalism. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Warren

Grandpa's got game

Today, I tried out the high-tech eliptical at my gym. The 70-year-old man next to me who was also using one went faster and longer than I did, and unlike me didn't stop for a break. FML

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By LadyLou - 3/11/2015 11:42 - Australia

Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML

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By childhoodupinsmoke - 30/11/2012 03:35 - United States - Austin

Today, I realized that the comforting, unique scent of my mother in my childhood was actually the smell of the marijuana she smokes. FML

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By yourwifelovesme - 4/6/2019 12:00

Today, my dad was folding laundry. He came across a pair of jeans and asked who they belonged to. My mom said, “Those are definitely mine. The knees are worn out.” Thanks for that mental image mom. FML

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By mike4444 - 12/2/2010 18:11 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

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By stubblebutt - 13/11/2009 12:17 - Australia

Today, my date arrived far earlier than expected to pick me up. Apparently my mother decided to show him to my room anyway. When the door swung open, I happened to be butt naked in front of the mirror, trying to pick out an ingrown hair on my bum. FML

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By tiredofcrazy - 18/3/2014 09:14 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend stormed out after I suggested to him that his relationship with his mother is maybe a little weird. Apparently having regular, hour-long phone discussions about your penis is a perfectly normal thing for a 23-year-old to have with his mother. FML

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By finalssuck - 21/5/2010 15:01 - United States

Today, I found out that I have been studying for the wrong final exam. One more hour until the test. FML

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By probably not getting the job - 9/3/2015 05:44 - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, I applied for a job at a local store. As I walked out the door, I heard the manager read it out loud and everybody else laugh. FML

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By hunterjumper1212 - 24/5/2012 07:41 - United States - San Rafael

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

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By pirate prude - 11/7/2017 20:00 - Canada

Today, when getting off the bus, the driver said he thought I was going to exit from the front. Without thinking, I responded, "Oh no, I'm more of a backdoor kinda girl!" FML

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By workhoe - 20/2/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, I had sex with a coworker I've had my eye on for awhile. Immediately after, he turned on the light and got on his phone. Me, trying to start a conversation, I said "Well, that was fun." He looked at me and said, "Was it?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2010 15:10 - Canada

Today, I propositioned my boyfriend of two years to have sex with me in the shower to spice up our love life. He said that he was really busy. He was playing Call of Duty. FML

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By MJB - 2/4/2017 22:00

Today, as a 17-year-old, after having gone to the doctor to about some unusual hair loss, it turns out I simply have crappy genetics, and should expect to be fully bald within a year. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2018 19:00

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and my boyfriend thought it would be cute to carry me to bed. He knocked my head on the door frame and I pretended it didn't hurt because he felt so bad, but I shouldn't have. I was rushed to the hospital hours later with a concussion. FML

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By somethingblue - 16/9/2013 21:11 - United States - Lowell

Today, it's my wedding day. Almost a year ago I was in a terrible car accident that nearly left me paralyzed, but I worked my ass off to be able to walk down the aisle. After a lot of blood, sweat, and tears I made it to the big day... and woke up with food poisoning. FML

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By misty - 28/6/2011 16:14 - Canada

Today, after checking in and waiting 3 hours to see the doctor, the receptionist said she forgot about me because she didn't see me. She asked me to come back tomorrow. I was sitting right in front of her. FML

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By Rabite - 15/9/2016 14:48 - Germany - Bonn

Today, I called a cab to get me and my cat home from the vet. After a 40 minute wait and three calls to the taxi company, the operator told me that the driver she sent to my location just confirmed that he already has a woman with my name and a cat in his car. FML

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By notsosmart - 6/3/2011 11:28 - Australia

Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 23:00

DINOSAURS!!

Today, I tried to cook an extra healthy, vegetable filled meal for my boyfriend and I. Not only did we notice the vegetables were off a little too late, but he also found my hair in his bowl. We had to settle for turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti loops instead. FML

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By doggone - 5/5/2012 23:07 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I walked in on my new puppy peeing on the carpet. The trainer had told me to punish her when she's bad by shaking a metal can of pennies at her, since the noise scares dogs. I shook it at her, and she responded by having explosive diarrhea all over the carpet in fright. FML

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Top comments

By LyricaSilvan | 29

#7383965 - Thursday 5 January 2017 10:17

Oh god...That mental image gave me chills. Ugh.

By Cynical_1 | 26

#7383824 - Thursday 5 January 2017 1:08

Well...that's one insect with a knack for finding great places to hide. Apparently even bugs love boobs.

COMMENTS

By karacakal2 | 30

#7383823 - Thursday 5 January 2017 1:02

Lucky insect.

By Cynical_1 | 26

#7383824 - Thursday 5 January 2017 1:08

Well...that's one insect with a knack for finding great places to hide. Apparently even bugs love boobs.

By Ultimate_Batman | 28

#7383825 - Thursday 5 January 2017 1:09

Does FML Staff see all comments?

Reply

Cali | 54

#7383827 - Thursday 5 January 2017 1:13

We see all of everything.

Reply

Tripartita | 44

#7383835 - Thursday 5 January 2017 1:47

Excellent. The second sentence needs an indefinite article between "saw" and "small". Might I recommend my favorite indef-art*: "a"?

*cool people abbreviation of indefinite article.

Reply

Cali | 54

#7383836 - Thursday 5 January 2017 2:08

Noted.

By chirstinap325 | 21

#7383826 - Thursday 5 January 2017 1:11

I feel like the insect was framed.

By dramaelf | 37

#7383828 - Thursday 5 January 2017 1:24

Cheeky little bug, isn't he?

By Tripartita | 44

#7383834 - Thursday 5 January 2017 1:44

Note to self: if I ever feel the need to bite someone, have a small bug at the ready to throw into their bra and take the blame.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7383855 - Thursday 5 January 2017 3:15

Yeah, we know the size of the bite and the insect, but what is the size of the bra?

By commandokid | 13

#7383869 - Thursday 5 January 2017 5:31

Lol wait were you still wearing the bra at the time?

By anaheimangels40 | 10

#7383892 - Thursday 5 January 2017 6:49

I Guess this is where the term boobs the size of insect bites comes From!

By melana09 | 19

#7383898 - Thursday 5 January 2017 7:00

The bug got in a booby trap