Intimacy: Yuck. - FML

Yuck.

By bdsam - 23/01/2018 06:00

Today, I found out that the sleeping mask I'd been using for months was actually part of a BDSM kit. I found the rest of it in my dad's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 337

You deserved it 1 227

Dysfunctional

Compassionate management

Not the golden child

By cydia123 - 10/05/2019 06:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me. Why? An old lady spent 30 minutes looking at our menu before asking for "cottage pie." After telling her that it wasn't an item on the menu, she spent another 20 minutes deciding. She then asked for several more items we didn't have, then complained to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 950

You deserved it 95

By julia - 11/06/2011 11:12 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 020

You deserved it 7 802

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 09:19

Today, I saw a bike locked to a short bollard, making it very easy to steal. Being as nice as I am, I stayed, hoping the owner would come soon and no one else would take it. Then the guy who bullied me in highschool showed up, asked me what I was doing, laughed at me, took the bike, and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 178

You deserved it 1 193

Shitty

By Anonymous - 15/11/2021 08:00

Today, I can only eat gluten-free food because gluten gives me diarrhea. I’m also vegan, so I bought some vegan cheese and salami to have a mess-free sandwich on the bus. As it turns out, vegan salami consists of 6% gluten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 851

By oldsoulyoungbody - 30/01/2012 15:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that my husband and I are at that point in our marriage where "sleeping together" means scooting closer to each other in the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 211

You deserved it 4 159

By Anonymous - 12/06/2012 19:01 - United States - San Diego

Today, I volunteered at a soup kitchen. During the rounds, a grisly but nice young fellow told me that I had beautiful eyes. I was quite touched; that is until he leaned in and added, "Can I have them for my collection?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 013

You deserved it 2 128

Call CPS!

By leovaldez - 22/06/2020 20:08

Today, after years of having seasonal allergies and months of having my throat close up, my mom agreed to see a doctor, only to insult me in front of the doctor, saying I just find new ways to make their lives harder and I'm probably making it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 633

You deserved it 100

By Anonymous - 04/11/2009 05:05 - Canada

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 181

You deserved it 2 687

He was just chillin'

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 13:59

Today, I was taking a shower when I noticed the huge spider above my head. Now, being the smart person I am, I sprayed the water up at it, causing it to fall. Right on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 318

You deserved it 895

By badadvise - 23/03/2012 04:05 - Mexico - Guadalajara

Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 229

You deserved it 2 572

By Anonymous - 14/11/2015 11:47 - United States - Taunton

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 277

You deserved it 2 038

By laurenraeee - 25/05/2010 05:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. What the fuck happened that night? FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 558

You deserved it 57 317

Paper-thin walls

By Lauren Davies - 17/09/2019 06:00

Today, I had to tell my 4 year-old, "I'm wiping my butt right now, I can't get you a drink. Please wait a minute." I distinctly heard my neighbor laughing through the bathroom window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 511

You deserved it 282

By dad - 29/06/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 489

You deserved it 8 293

By _RobotInDisguise - 09/12/2009 23:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan's wife. She spoke about their wedding in 2004, their two beautiful kids who love their daddy very much (she included pictures), and how much she loves him. Alan is my husband of 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 727

You deserved it 2 936

By Terry - 13/07/2009 04:28 - United States

Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled "Who's this bitch!?" It turns out she's his half sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 591

You deserved it 88 731

By Joe Lizen - 07/08/2012 01:40 - United States - New Lenox

Today, my mom called me screaming and cussing because she found pot in my room. I come home and my dad says, "I hid some pot in your room and I'm not letting you go to that concert if you rat me out." My dad is apparently a blackmailing 52-year-old stoner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 097

You deserved it 2 171

By soomeone - 16/02/2010 19:28 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. I started putting my arm around her, when I hit her in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 656

You deserved it 25 575

Free money for me, but not for thee

By Anonymous - 04/08/2020 14:01

Today, my dad refuses to let me inherit all of his money, which might just put a roof over my head when I’m older. *His* money? Well, actually, he inherited it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 123

You deserved it 803

By BryanTazed - 22/08/2015 12:21 - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 610

You deserved it 6 628

By Anonymous - 13/08/2014 11:33 - Australia - Rooty Hill

Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 582

You deserved it 4 001

Can't filter that

By Weightlosshereicome - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Oxford

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 663

You deserved it 4 603

By FML - 12/11/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I held a container while a patient tried to throw up in it. She missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 364

You deserved it 3 263

By Abcporn - 25/09/2013 23:22 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to work at my job as a secretary. I had been given the task to file my boss's collection of Playboy magazines alphabetically by name of the centerfold. There was one for every month from the years of 1980 until now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 472

You deserved it 3 506

By Unlucky - 24/05/2010 00:22 - Australia

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 393

You deserved it 3 785

By Anonymous - 06/11/2012 18:34 - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 085

You deserved it 3 391

Cheap

By SmokeWeedErdayAllDay - 18/04/2020 17:00

Today, I was in the mood for some coffee, which is right down the street. I brought ten dollars with me, not knowing how much I'd need. When I approached the counter, the barista looked at my hand holding the ten-dollar bill and said, "Oh, our cheap things are on the left side of the menu." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 487

You deserved it 236

By Anonymous - 17/01/2017 14:06

Today, in physics class, my teacher was messing around with an air cannon and I accidentally blurted out, "Blow me!" It took me all of 5 seconds to realize why everyone was laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 707

You deserved it 1 599

By Anonymous - 19/04/2013 18:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband tried to haggle a blowjob out of me in exchange for taking his first shower in nearly two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 358

You deserved it 7 336

By HeSaysImNoBeard - 26/11/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I went to see the new Twilight movie, for the second time. The first time was at the midnight premiere. I would be "okay" with it if the person who had dragged me to see it both times hadn't been my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 668

You deserved it 7 803

By STOPTHENOISE - 14/10/2013 13:10 - United States - Jefferson

Today, someone in my 8-floor appartment building got an airhorn. They seem to enjoy using it. I can't work out where they are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 604

You deserved it 3 110

By stupid drunk bitch - 24/02/2016 18:37 - United States - Cobleskill

Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 459

You deserved it 5 440

By Anonymous - 28/09/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, I learned that the gap between the elevator and the 6th floor landing of my apartment building is approximately one key's width wide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 111

You deserved it 3 641

Dirty talk

By Noname - 02/01/2009 03:04 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my mother was vacuuming my room and found a towel under my bed. She asked, "Why does it smell so bad?" I replied, "Sweat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 481

You deserved it 38 397

By confused - 27/02/2015 03:07 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because we got into a fight over what color that confusing black and blue and white and gold dress was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 300

You deserved it 25 887

By fuckalltwitardsintheface - 20/09/2012 21:34 - United States - Lindsey

Today, I went to a new dentist because I've been experiencing occasional toothache. Upon seeing my x-rays, he noticed something odd. Apparently, during a root canal a while ago, a piece of an instrument broke off, and has been lodged within ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 495

You deserved it 1 691

By burnswhenipee - 08/04/2015 00:47 - Canada - London

Today, I had to get stitches in my vagina due to an unfortunate mishap while climbing a fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 056

You deserved it 5 514

By anamota89 - 11/05/2012 09:33 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend. I had to fart really badly, so thinking that he wouldn't hear me, I did so. He heard me and asked, "Did you fart?" I said "No, it was my dog." I don't have a dog, and he knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 307

You deserved it 32 153

By fmal - 07/05/2009 03:47 - United States

Today, I realized my wedding ring was missing. Turns out, my son had taken it to give to a girl he likes in the 2nd grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 198

You deserved it 8 864

By Durrrrrr - 24/01/2009 01:03 - Canada

Today, I went to a "party" with the boy whom I am interested in. It was the first time I met his friends. Turns out he and all his friends are hardcore Christians who don't drink and are celibate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 034

You deserved it 11 627

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 8:59

This is why you should not steal stuff from your parents room. Why are you going through his personal space and how would you feel if he went through yours?

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 9:39

Where did you find it in the first place? If the answer is also your dad's bedroom, YDI

Comments

Abhi 7

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Sunday 21 January 2018 15:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

OrchidKitten 21

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 7:02

Are you seriously trying to imply BDSM is illegal? And why are you telling the op to spy on their dads sex life? That's just disgusting.

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Wednesday 24 January 2018 8:00

Where the hell did the incest part come from? Why the hell would OP need to spy on their father? Why the hell did you not rethink your comment before posting? Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego

merican_redneck4 11

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Monday 21 January 2019 23:38

Please think stuff through before you comment on something

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 7:00

Your father is gonna whip you for going through his stuff without his permission. Or it could be the other way around.

RichardPencil 30

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 7:21

Even the butt plug? You didn’t find the butt plug? Where could the butt plug be?

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 8:59

This is why you should not steal stuff from your parents room. Why are you going through his personal space and how would you feel if he went through yours?

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 22:23

I'm going to assume the sleep mask was given to OP and they happened to find the rest in her dad's room.

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 9:39

Where did you find it in the first place? If the answer is also your dad's bedroom, YDI

sumocj 14

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 14:14

I really doubt your dad left his fetish gear laying around the house. So it’s most likely you went through his personal belongings and then mistook it as beauty equipment. You totally deserve it for going through his stuff...twice

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 14:27

So, did your dad give you the mask or did you take it? We need to know these things to determine YDI or not! ;)

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 15:13

The design of the "sleeping" mask didn't clue you in? I could be wrong, but I'm pretty certain those masks don't look a thing alike. Unless it was a blindfold.

Gundel 22

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 15:27

Where's the problem? Enjoy your sleep...

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 15:51

Well...THAT went 50 Shades Darker...

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 35

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 362

You deserved it 67

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 639

You deserved it 715