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By mattdevil - 08/12/2011 18:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I went out in a storm to collect my wheelie bin, which had flown down the street. On the way back to my house, I realised my door had slammed shut and locked behind me. That's okay though, a trampoline decided to smash my window and let me in. FML

agreeclassic 34 440

vote type 1 3 185

mattdevil app_comment_confession_title

mattdevil 4

Friday 9 December 2011 1:59

Actually if I hadn't left the house I would have been hit by glass and a trapoline that was in my front room also it wasnt my trampoline

Tis the season…

By evil Santa - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

agreeclassic 34 439

vote type 1 3 258

The road to hell…

By SirPimPim - 14/06/2010 14:32 - Sweden

Today, there was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, so I said, "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

agreeclassic 34 438

vote type 1 13 450

By Kat - 08/11/2008 07:51 - France

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

agreeclassic 34 437

vote type 1 5 233

By slenderman908 - 10/12/2012 11:41 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I overheard my parents fighting about who has been the most loyal. I found out my Dad has cheated twice, and is still the most faithful of the two. FML

agreeclassic 34 437

vote type 1 2 026

By theawfulpresent - 30/01/2013 00:28 - United States - Germantown

Today, my boyfriend tried to hypnotize me into breaking up with him. FML

agreeclassic 34 437

vote type 1 3 449

By Brandy_Dandy78 - 12/06/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

agreeclassic 34 433

vote type 1 5 828

By u_n0_mE - 08/02/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML

agreeclassic 34 432

vote type 1 5 275

Needy baby

By nosleeptilpissoff - 18/03/2011 15:54 - United States

Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML

agreeclassic 34 432

vote type 1 6 398

Mysterious and sketchy

By Cherie - 09/12/2009 16:31 - United States

Today, I received a DM on Facebook, from a woman I've never heard of, saying, "Eric X's wife says HI." She goes on to say that she is going to find me, and ruin my life the way I have ruined hers. I've never even heard of Eric X and am happily engaged. FML

agreeclassic 34 432

vote type 1 2 468

By grrrr - 08/02/2010 00:35 - United States

Today, my son learned about various animals in school, and how they urinate to mark their territory. Apparently, the entire second floor of my house is now my son's territory. FML

agreeclassic 34 432

vote type 1 2 897

Alanis, we've got another case!

By Arghh - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. The only reason I was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection. Now I'm covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly. FML

agreeclassic 34 432

vote type 1 3 447

Kinda harsh, don't ya think?

By are you kidding me???? - 20/07/2012 04:58 - United States - Chaplin

Today, my boss fired me for "fooling around" on my phone. I was looking for supplies for a surprise party we are throwing him for his birthday, and I didn't want to do it on my work computer because he has access to our history. Also, this happened during my lunch break. FML

agreeclassic 34 430

vote type 1 1 962

By murphy - 02/02/2009 10:49 - United States

Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML

agreeclassic 34 430

vote type 1 4 143

By Anonymous - 28/07/2012 16:02 - United States - South Bend

Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML

agreeclassic 34 429

vote type 1 6 102

By poop_mcqueen - 30/07/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I bought a cool new pair of sunglasses. I wore them today, and all day I kept getting comments about how much I looked like Ozzy Osbourne and John Lennon. I'm a girl. FML

agreeclassic 34 429

vote type 1 13 339

By CRWMEN - 22/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend canceled our date I've been looking forward to all week because her dog was having puppies. She doesn't have a dog. FML

agreeclassic 34 428

vote type 1 3 291

By frankkathy - 26/07/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

agreeclassic 34 424

vote type 1 19 391

Welcome home

By sammsamm56 - 16/01/2011 19:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my overprotective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML

agreeclassic 34 423

vote type 1 4 673

Get on with it!

By mnote - 23/10/2014 15:56 - United States - Sapulpa

Today, I didn't make dinner fast enough so somebody had a yelling and screaming temper tantrum. It would be understandable if the person who threw the tantrum was a child, and not my 57-year-old father. FML

agreeclassic 34 423

vote type 1 2 935

By Anonymous - 27/05/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, I walked into work looking like I had peed myself, all because my husband thought it would be "hilarious" to slam on the brakes while I was drinking hot coffee. FML

agreeclassic 34 422

vote type 1 3 574

By dumped - 14/12/2011 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? His best mate got dumped yesterday and my boyfriend thought it would be 'more fun' to be 'single lads together'. FML

agreeclassic 34 421

vote type 1 3 200

Classic

By Anonymous - 19/11/2012 15:30 - United States

Today, I took off my sweatshirt in the middle of class. The tanktop I was wearing underneath went with it. FML

agreeclassic 34 420

vote type 1 8 221

By Eddy - 14/03/2015 03:27 - United States - Mountain Pine

Today, I decided to have cereal for breakfast. I poured the cereal in the bowl, added the milk and had a spoonful. Then I realized that my cereal was moving in the back of my mouth. FML

agreeclassic 34 420

vote type 1 3 836

By Anonymous - 21/06/2015 04:38 - United States - Harrison

Today, my boyfriend murmured his sister's name during sex. Before you say he was thinking of someone else with the same name, I've only ever met one person in our town called Nohemi. FML

agreeclassic 34 418

vote type 1 2 415

Shame! Shame! Shame!

By Clive81 - 17/02/2015 20:02 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I went to my son's school soccer game. Unfortunately, I couldn't get excited about it because my idiot son kept diving the moment anyone so much as breathed on him. It eventually earned him a penalty shot that won him the game. I was so ashamed, I snuck out to avoid being seen with him. FML

agreeclassic 34 418

vote type 1 10 316

I'm pissed

By lifestinks - 23/08/2009 03:29 - United States

Today, my work finally hired someone to replace some leaky pipes. I work in the basement by myself, and just as I walked under the newly-fixed pipes, I got soaked with what appeared to be water. Apparently it was connected to a toilet. My boss couldn't find a replacement, so they made me work covered in piss. FML

agreeclassic 34 418

vote type 1 2 373

By Anonymous - 01/09/2011 10:52 - United States

Today, I learned what it felt like to get shot in the nuts by an airsoft gun. Thank you, Mom. FML

agreeclassic 34 418

vote type 1 4 756

By silverspud - 13/06/2015 01:22 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I was invited to an adult toy party with co-workers. They started by playing a game called 'Never Ever Have I Ever' about everyone's sexual exploits. My mother is a co-worker. I can never un-hear what I heard. FML

agreeclassic 34 418

vote type 1 7 352

By Anonymous - 18/08/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, my mom went to grab my sheets off my bed. I said that I would do it, to which she responded, "Calm down, it's not like I've never seen 'spludge' before." FML

agreeclassic 34 417

vote type 1 6 781

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Top

Today, I was getting catcalled downtown by a guy I've never seen before. Then he told me he knows where I live, and accurately described my apartment while he followed me for 2 blocks. FML

agreeclassic 1 411

vote type 1 97

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

agreeclassic 26 807

vote type 1 13 719

Today, my dad brought home a used hunk of junk from someone he knew. It was covered in rust and dents, and the engine was making weird noises. Thinking he was being generous, he said to me, "When you get your license, you'll be driving it!" It then died with a loud bang and black smoke from under the hood. FML

agreeclassic 467

vote type 1 121

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML

agreeclassic 35 651

vote type 1 8 398

Today, I learned that when microwaveable pizzas say, "Caution, hot after cooking" what they really mean is that you should be prepared for the cardboard tray to fall apart when you try to pick it up and that boiling hot cheese is going to run down your arm. FML

agreeclassic 29 643

vote type 1 8 564

Today, my (now former) best friend kicked me out of the band I started because I wasn't 'dedicated enough' after a 3 day 'holiday' to visit my dying uncle. He also during this 3 day 'holiday' convinced my girl friend to leave me and date him. FML

agreeclassic 59 991

vote type 1 3 454