Money: Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from... - FML

By Micawber - Denmark

Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

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Bad news

Mixed signals

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

By insideout - United States

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was hiding Easter eggs around the house when my 7-year-old triplets woke up from their nap and saw me. They quickly realized that I am the Easter Bunny, and then they guessed that I am Santa. Now I have 3 crying second graders. FML

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By ladylol - United Kingdom - Towcester

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather play the new Assassin's Creed game or have a night of sex with me. He started crying from indecision. FML

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By naps aren't what they used to be - United States

Today, my car was stolen from the parking garage, the same one I work at as a security guard. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the location of me and my wife’s first date, because I miss her and barely get to see her because of our work schedules. Only to see her there on a date. FML

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By marymark - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I woke up to a note from my parents saying we need to talk. Assuming it was about the weed I'd left on my dresser, I quickly confessed. Turns out my dog died. FML

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By Bouh - France - Paris

Today, as every day for the past few weeks, my husband won't have sex. His reason? We've decided to have a baby, and he reckons that the longer he waits, the more competition there will be between his sperm and thus the better the result will be. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw my boss, so I mentioned to him, "Oh, I quit." He then interrupted, saying, "Great, I was going to fire you this week anyway." I wanted to tell him I quit smoking. FML

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By bird problems - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, since I've been paying attention to my newborn, my pet cockatoo learned to cry like the baby on the middle of the night. I haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep. FML

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By 2in longer - United States - Coldwater

Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2021 02:00

Free healthcare for all

Today, I learned that my MS medication is going to cost 25k a month. My insurance won't cover a cent. I don't even make that much in a year. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I was getting funny looks all day. When I got home I realised that I was interrupted while doing my make-up this morning and completely forgot to fill in my second eye brow. FML

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By Danielle Heichelbech - 15/11/2020 20:01

Messy

Today my 28-year-old husband got bored while cleaning the car. So he decided to stage a "crumb sacrifice to the vacuum gods" to "ensure a bountiful harvest." FML

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By AliKate

Today, my father has finally started to focus on his health to reduce his weight and cholesterol. He has also decided that I'll do it with him. Now, he won't let me eat unless he's there to watch me. He leaves at 7 a.m. and doesn't come home until 9. FML

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By AsshatUncle - United States - Tampa

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

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By FootinMouth - United States - Louisville

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

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By Anonymous

Impossible relationship

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

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By AccidentalFlasher - Canada - Thornhill

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

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By stinker - United States

Today, my mother told me she was going out of town this weekend. I re-assured her that I would not throw a party. She replied "Oh, like you have enough friends to do that." FML

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By erpuchi - Dominican Republic

Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

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By SickBoi - 30/3/2021 14:01 - United States - Cambridge

Hot lava from both ends

Today, I was suffering from food poisoning and had constant diarrhea, along with feeling nauseous. I couldn't hold my vomit in and rushed to the toilet, but due to the pressure, I pooped while still in pajamas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I told my friend over the phone that I had to go drop the kids off at the pool. She told me that she didn't need to know about my bathroom habits and hung up on me. I really had to take my children to the local swimming pool for swim lessons. FML

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By 99Problemsandfml - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner. My previous one stopped working, because apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to suck up our puppy's shit from the floor. FML

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By LightsOut - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

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By sopissed - United States - Laurel

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

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By mislabeled - 27/8/2020 20:05

What did I do?

Today, two friends of almost ten years told my husband they had concerns about our marriage, and basically said they can no longer be friends with me. My husband and I never fight, and have other people tell us they are jealous of our relationship. The worst part is they still want to be friends with him. FML

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By iprobablyhaveherpes - Australia

Today, I was casually looking through my girlfriend's phone while she got ready, though she made me promise not to. To my confusion, I discovered that she had me listed as 'Saturday' in her contacts. There was also a Thursday, Friday and Sunday listed. I only ever see her on Saturdays. FML

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By littl3storm - 23/12/2020 15:59 - United Kingdom

Tis the season to be jolly

Today, at the ripe age of 20, I spent the early hours of my morning violently vomiting blood every time I got too warm. I then had the pleasure of shitting in a plastic container for a stool sample, due to said problem, after one and half hours of sleep. FML

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By Partyofthree

Today, I work at a private pool where I can get up to six people in for free. Naturally, I invited my crush. She brought her boyfriend. FML

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By ssydneyy - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was working as a character at an amusement park. I was walking with another character and we went over to a baby girl. She smiled and laughed at my co-worker. When she saw me, she started screaming and crying. FML

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By notyouagain - Australia

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered the door and when he saw me said, 'oh great, it's YOU' and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By Confused

Today, I woke up 2 hours early to go to the physical therapist my doctor referred me to. She did confirm physical therapy will help, but she doesn't treat my issue. She’s also the only person in my city who takes my insurance. FML

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By doesnttastegood - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By poop towel - United States

Today, my new roommate moved in. It seems that instead of using toilet paper like a normal human being, she instead opts to use the nearest towel in reach. I found this out when I went to dry off with mine after a shower. FML

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By buggyluv - United States - Edwardsville

Today, at my new job, a coworker offered to help me mop the floors since she wasn't busy. I ended up getting written up by my boss for supposedly being too lazy and making other people finish my work. FML

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By Bento - United States

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 23:00

Overreaction Man

Today, I told my boyfriend I’m pregnant. He told me not to worry, he’d pay child support until it’s 18, and he’d be moved out of our flat by Friday. When I asked him why, he told me not to be stupid, no way was he being trapped into raising a kid. He didn’t even ask if it was a boy or girl. FML

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By Honest mistake

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

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By AGluckily - United States

Today, I was with a group of friends at a bar, and we were all talking about whether we were moaners, screamers, or quiet during sex. My boyfriend said that he was a moaner, which I contradicted. Completely straightfaced, he said, "Well, I am when it's good." FML

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By effinit - United States

Today, while I was on a second date with this guy, my roommate tried calling me and I ignored her. After dinner my date brought me back to my apartment and there was a waterfall gushing down from the balcony above our apartment. The guys above us had started a fire and our apartment was flooded. FML

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Top comments

By Zmeilerr | 22

#2030254 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:10

Well, either your account was too low or you did something else to get your account closed. They're just doing their job.

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#2030237 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:05

Happy Birthday and that sucks :(

COMMENTS

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#2030237 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:05

Happy Birthday and that sucks :(

Reply

teddy4nyy | 13

#2031253 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 2:00

to be fair, that's not a birthday wish

Reply

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2780228 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 17:50

There are too many of these on FML.

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#2030249 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:08

Happy birthday :)

By DeesFMLs | 0

#2030252 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:09

if you bday was 31st then its the same as mine :D

Reply

Zmeilerr | 22

#2030261 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:13

Happy birthday to you!

Reply

Aerious | 0

#2030768 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:12

Happy birthday dear OP,

Reply

InBetweenDreams | 0

#2030794 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:25

Happy Birthday to you!! :D

Reply

Blackmail111 | 9

#2030848 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:48

Are you 1 are you 2 are you 3.....

Reply

yiselthedancer | 0

#2031445 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 5:28

happy b-day

By Zmeilerr | 22

#2030254 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:10

Well, either your account was too low or you did something else to get your account closed. They're just doing their job.

Reply

lationas | 25

#2031231 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:54

Idiot comment!

Reply

skiier4life | 1

#2032180 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 9:04

Idiot Reply!!!

By pissnmoan | 0

#2030264 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:13

Happy Birthday!

Reply

MaskedAspen | 6

#2030292 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:25

I second that

By FYLDeep | 25

#2030345 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:34

Keep money in your account and that won't happen.

Reply

Meme_N00b | 0

#2030777 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:18

or heres a simpler way
1. spend all of your money on a swedish hooker
2. kill said hooker and destroy all evidence
3.??????????
4. Profit!!!

Reply

nygyrfan | 10

#5875087 - Tuesday 4 March 2014 7:46

fucked up

By banana_buddy | 6

#2030374 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:39

"Today it WAS my birthday" ? Anyone else seeing anything contradicting about the first sentence?

Reply

Shorty_Shaza | 5

#2030534 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:32

Yep! I was just thinking the same lol it's appalling!

By furburger | 0

#2030469 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:02

I can't think of anything since I started pronouncing OP's name like MacGruber ; )

Happy Birthday.... Mi-Caw-Ber!!

By saleha97 | 4

#2030478 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:06

It's not the end of the world, always look on the bright side :) Happy B- day! Buy yourself something, you dont need others :))

Reply

LoveMySoldier82 | 0

#2030537 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:33

Kind of hard when his account is closed.

Reply

Blackmail111 | 9

#2030855 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:50

number 13 FTW

Reply

shoopd | 19

#2033641 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 20:34

13 - Indeed! Since, you know, cash is no good for buying stuff. Also, credit cards don't work for that either...
</sarcasm>

Reply

LoveMySoldier82 | 0

#2034126 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 0:06

Well usually if you have money in your account you it won't be closed. In fact they usually only close for either being negative too long or inactive too long. Also if you have cash you go to said bank and make sure you have a bank account. Unless you would rather be irresponsible and buy something instead of fixing your finances.

By Shorty_Shaza | 5

#2030540 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:35

Happy Birthday! Now that's TWO birthday greetings :)