Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from... - FML

By Micawber - 31/1/2011 13:55 - Denmark

Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

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Rock, hard place

Nice neighborhood

Night terrors

By Mars - 29/4/2009 09:40 - United States

Today, I got a haircut. Right after the lady finished washing my hair she grabbed a towel to wipe her nose. She then used the same towel to thoroughly dry my hair. FML

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By Jay - 4/11/2017 04:00

Today, I got called into the principal's office of my son's school. Why? He'd called his teacher a "fudge packer". No more weekends with his uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 06:09 - Australia

Today, I realised I haven't had a date in so long that I actually seriously considered meeting someone from online, purely based on the fact he could spell properly. FML

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By lamb-chop - 2/12/2008 06:32 - France

Today, my philosophy teacher asked me about my parents. I replied that my mum was a cleaner and my dad was a bus driver. In an astonished voice, she said, "But, you're clever..." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2019 17:15

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

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By Soakedandbroke - 26/1/2016 17:05 - United States - Houston

Today, I was walking to class. While waiting at the crosswalk, a guy cat-called me from his car. I guess he was pissed that I didn't respond, because he purposely drove through a puddle and completely soaked me and the expensive textbook I was holding. FML

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By ocean555 - 7/3/2011 00:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my Facebook profile picture, of me between my boyfriend and a friend, is actually me between my boyfriend and the girl he has been cheating on me with. FML

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By disappointed - 20/9/2013 16:30 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I walked in on my daughter shaving the testicles of her boyfriend, who had apparently snuck in through her window. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 16:27 - France

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

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By vibratorgirl - 8/3/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, I left my parents house to drive 90 minutes back to college. As I was getting off the exit for my school, I realized I left my bright pink vibrator sitting on my dresser back at home. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML

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By The Bearded Woman - 29/5/2012 04:06 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, I had to teach my younger brother to shave with a regular disposable razor because our dad uses an electric one and I'm the only other person in the family with enough facial hair to know how to use a razor. I probably would have been proud if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 00:30 - Germany - Titisee-neustadt

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

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By JustOutofCollegeAndBroke - 16/7/2015 06:56 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to help out with my boyfriend's sister's baby shower. They forgot to inform me that "helping" meant splitting the cost of everything. I now owe his family $275. I don't know how to back out without looking cheap. FML

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By notdrivinganytimesoon - 4/3/2015 02:35 - United States - Richardson

Today, I got pulled over during my driving test. FML

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By jina - 18/3/2009 03:48 - Korea Republic of

Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML

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By smurfpoo - 9/8/2011 07:35 - Canada

Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I made brownies for my co-workers. My boss called me into his office, and I though he was going to compliment me on the baking. Instead, he talked about how his 5-year-old daughter can make brownies better than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2011 23:25 - United States

Today, my dad took my phone away. This would be fine if I was 14. I'm 22 and pay for all of my own bills. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2012 20:13 - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

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By FML - 8/12/2013 18:00 - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

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By trailertrashyanditsucks - 26/7/2013 19:55 - United States - Porter

Today, I heard my mom sobbing in the bathroom. Concerned, I went in to see what was wrong. I found her sitting on the toilet, pants down and a cigarette between her fingers. When I asked what was going on, she looked up at me and slurred that we'd run out of "shit-wipes." FML

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By jazthefish - 12/7/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, I drew a face on a balloon and pretended to make out with it. The balloon popped and shot to the back of my throat, where it got caught. FML

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By seriously? - 27/5/2014 22:23 - United States - Manassas

Today, I discovered that my dad still doesn't consider my career as an app developer a "real job". FML

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By cutiepatootie - 3/1/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I was getting ready for a party and accidentally knocked my blender off the counter. After taking a half an hour to clean up all the glass, I went upstairs to get the spare blender I keep in the closet. I tripped, and broke the blender. I just applied for a waitressing job. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2012 01:10 - United States

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great: we graduated high school together. FML

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By fenris - 30/8/2016 17:36 - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, whilst at work, I was serving a customer when her kid runs up to me and throws up. It was a 10-hour shift, I was one hour in. FML

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By CatWoman - 11/2/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2013 00:26 - Iceland

Today, at an open mic comedy club, my jokes went down so poorly that someone decided to hurl a chair at me on-stage. FML

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By Funyearahead - 8/8/2016 12:44 - United States - Red Bank

Today, I found out that my new roommate likes to put candy on the floor, let ants crawl all over it, and eats it. Ants and all. FML

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By bruised - 15/8/2015 15:47 - United States - Jacksonville Beach

Today, I had to fire an employee due to his staggering incompetence. The moment I said the F-word, he started fake-coughing, then loudly humming, then went to his desk and pretended not to hear anything I was saying. It took 3 of us to drag him out of the building kicking and screaming. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2012 18:15 - United States

Today, I saw my girlfriend at the store and joyfully greeted her. She got really mad at me - it was her identical twin sister, who I still cannot tell apart from my girlfriend. We've been dating for three years. FML

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By anonynomi - 19/11/2015 17:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

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By dragonstooth257 - 25/2/2019 16:00

Today, my child is so super clingy and needy, I have to sit and watch her bounce on the trampoline attentatively or else face hours and hours of whining. She's like the Screamapillar from the Simpsons. FML

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By joe - 2/1/2009 11:09 - France

Today, the only man who has ever fallen in love with me is bald. FML

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By Natalie - 1/4/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, I was out enjoying my daily jog, when out of nowhere, a group of kids in a passing car pelted me with ketchup-filled water balloons. FML

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By glam300 - 30/12/2011 18:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend commented on my short skirt and, thinking she was being funny, tried to pull it down. I quickly moved away, causing it to come off in her hands. My shocked scream attracted the attention of at least a dozen bystanders. FML

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By Liam. - 1/2/2010 05:15 - France

Today, I was in an elevator, and the hot girl who lives in my building and who I have a crush on got in. She was in a wheelchair with a broken leg, I panicked and tried to flirt with her, and I said 'Nice chair.' She replied 'Nice bruise' and punched me in the nuts. FML

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By whyme102008 - 13/7/2011 06:32 - United States

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

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By Jill Shanks - 1/9/2010 06:16 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML

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Top comments

By Zmeilerr | 22

#2030254 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:10

Well, either your account was too low or you did something else to get your account closed. They're just doing their job.

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#2030237 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:05

Happy Birthday and that sucks :(

COMMENTS

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#2030237 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:05

Happy Birthday and that sucks :(

Reply

teddy4nyy | 13

#2031253 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 2:00

to be fair, that's not a birthday wish

Reply

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2780228 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 17:50

There are too many of these on FML.

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#2030249 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:08

Happy birthday :)

By DeesFMLs | 0

#2030252 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:09

if you bday was 31st then its the same as mine :D

Reply

Zmeilerr | 22

#2030261 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:13

Happy birthday to you!

Reply

Aerious | 0

#2030768 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:12

Happy birthday dear OP,

Reply

InBetweenDreams | 0

#2030794 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:25

Happy Birthday to you!! :D

Reply

Blackmail111 | 9

#2030848 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:48

Are you 1 are you 2 are you 3.....

Reply

yiselthedancer | 0

#2031445 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 5:28

happy b-day

By Zmeilerr | 22

#2030254 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:10

Well, either your account was too low or you did something else to get your account closed. They're just doing their job.

Reply

lationas | 25

#2031231 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:54

Idiot comment!

Reply

skiier4life | 1

#2032180 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 9:04

Idiot Reply!!!

By pissnmoan | 0

#2030264 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:13

Happy Birthday!

Reply

MaskedAspen | 6

#2030292 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:25

I second that

By FYLDeep | 25

#2030345 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:34

Keep money in your account and that won't happen.

Reply

Meme_N00b | 0

#2030777 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:18

or heres a simpler way
1. spend all of your money on a swedish hooker
2. kill said hooker and destroy all evidence
3.??????????
4. Profit!!!

Reply

nygyrfan | 10

#5875087 - Tuesday 4 March 2014 7:46

fucked up

By banana_buddy | 6

#2030374 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:39

"Today it WAS my birthday" ? Anyone else seeing anything contradicting about the first sentence?

Reply

Shorty_Shaza | 5

#2030534 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:32

Yep! I was just thinking the same lol it's appalling!

By furburger | 0

#2030469 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:02

I can't think of anything since I started pronouncing OP's name like MacGruber ; )

Happy Birthday.... Mi-Caw-Ber!!

By saleha97 | 4

#2030478 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:06

It's not the end of the world, always look on the bright side :) Happy B- day! Buy yourself something, you dont need others :))

Reply

LoveMySoldier82 | 0

#2030537 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:33

Kind of hard when his account is closed.

Reply

Blackmail111 | 9

#2030855 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:50

number 13 FTW

Reply

shoopd | 19

#2033641 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 20:34

13 - Indeed! Since, you know, cash is no good for buying stuff. Also, credit cards don't work for that either...

Reply

LoveMySoldier82 | 0

#2034126 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 0:06

Well usually if you have money in your account you it won't be closed. In fact they usually only close for either being negative too long or inactive too long. Also if you have cash you go to said bank and make sure you have a bank account. Unless you would rather be irresponsible and buy something instead of fixing your finances.

By Shorty_Shaza | 5

#2030540 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:35

Happy Birthday! Now that's TWO birthday greetings :)