Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from... - FML

By Micawber - Denmark

Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

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Rock, hard place

Walk on the wild side

Jealousy

By tspence - United States - Genoa

Today, I found myself arguing with a 6-year-old over a game of tag. FML

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By Lori_ftw - United States - Oakland

Today, my store manager thought that it would improve morale to talk in hashtags. FML

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By LoserOfTheYear - United States

Today, I went to have my eyebrows waxed for the first time. After signing in the receptionist looked at me and said "Lip wax?". I told her no, my eyebrows. She sat me down and the waxer walked up, took one look at me and said "Lip wax?" FML

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By Wtf

Today, during dinner, my boyfriend slowly walked up next to me, got on one knee, and in one movement pointed at my feet and shouted, "WHAT ARE THOSE?!" FML

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By fatass - United States - Kearney

Today, I received several pairs of panties in the mail that I'd ordered online. When I opened the box, I was shocked because every pair was basically huge granny-panties. I was sure none would fit properly, but I tried them on to be sure. They fit perfectly. FML

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By Agamar - United States - Skokie

Today, I was so sleep deprived that while making instant oatmeal, I poured the oats into the garbage and put the empty packet in a bowl, then microwaved it for 2 minutes. FML

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By Mondo - United States

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

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By jailbirdlove - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML

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By squeak - United Kingdom

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

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By santasadiekins - United States

Today, I was camping out under the stars on my trampoline. I was just about asleep when I felt a tickle on my arm. Figuring it was an ant, I brushed it off. The rest of the red ants crawling up my arm didn't like that. FML

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By ishouldhavebeenbornrich

Today, at work, a man wanted to buy a garden hose which came up on the till as £1.99. He said that it was wrong and that it should be £1.89, so he then demanded that I called someone down to set it right. He held 20 customers up for 15 minutes to get 10p off a garden hose. FML

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By jay-frey96 - United States - San Diego

Directions

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

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By Stuckism - Malaysia

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. The help-line tells me, "Don't touch the door. We'll be there soon". Two hours later, I've got a headache, my legs are stiff and my date must think I stood her up. The tech finally arrives, pries the door open, then rudely asks, "Why didn't you do that yourself?" FML

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By traumatized house keeper - Germany - M?nster

What a jerk!

Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML

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By bigmozwoman - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was driving students home on my school bus. I looked up in time to see a student wipe what would be one of many boogers across the window. As I'm cleaning the window, I tell her, "This is disgusting." Her reply? "No, it's not. It's PERFECT!" FML

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By Bro

Today, I found out that my wife of five years is also my half-sister. She has no idea, I don't know how to tell her, and I've never been more turned on. FML

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By fonsui - United States

Today, I was standing on a desk at work to run wiring in a suspended ceiling, since we have no ladder. My phone rang, I rushed to answer it, tripping and smashing my leg. It was my boss, calling to tell me he was bringing over a ladder. FML

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By notpregnant - United States

Today, I updated my Facebook status to "It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood." My cousin, seeing the status, failed to pick up on the sarcastic humor. She called all my family members and tell them that I was pregnant. Including my husband in Iraq. FML

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By Kat - United States

Today, I was trying out for a play I really wanted to be in. After my audition, I was feeling really good. She said she would post the cast list tomorrow. Not knowing where she would post it, I asked her. Her reply? "It doesn't matter. You won't be on it anyway." FML

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By geekyteendisaster - United States - Littleton

Today, my crush finally asked me to homecoming. I told my best friend, thinking she would be happy for me. Now we are in a big argument and she won't talk to me because I have a date and she doesn't. FML

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By shastadoe - United States - Los Banos

Today, my boyfriend told me he was a vampire. I burst out in laughter and said he was ridiculous. He looked at me in disgust and said he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust and believe in him. I'm now single. FML

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By jessinono - United States

Today, while walking home with my boyfriend, he jokingly slapped my butt. A man as old as my dad drove by, yelled "Wooo, spank that ass! DAMN!" and kept leering at me before finally driving off. FML

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By KBBL - Canada - Edmonton

Today, at a staff meeting, our boss sighed and asked why I'm always in the meetings instead of my co-worker. I reminded him that it's because I'm the department supervisor, not my co-worker. He wouldn't believe me until he saw it for himself in our personnel files. FML

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By bcoper - Switzerland - Luzern

Today, my neighborhood had its annual summer barbecue, and I ended up showing a little boy who lives down the street how to hit a baseball. When I gave him back his bat so he could try for himself, he swung it into my shin and yelled, "Tag! You're it!" FML

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By lopez - France

Today, I needed to go to the toilet. Thinking that everyone had left work, I decided that, since I AM a Jedi, my penis ought to be my lightsaber. All of a sudden I hear a familiar voice: "At least someone is having fun!" It was my boss. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom and we finished purchasing our items. We had gotten a fan so I said, "This thing is too big to fit in." First thing my mom yells? "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" and starts laughing hysterically in front of the entire store. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was expecting a call from my friend. The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. FML

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By potatoehead178 - 28/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Fairfield

I should?

Today, while I finished my business with my girlfriend, she asked if I used Viagra. I replied, "No I never use Viagra." She responded with, "You should." FML

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By lostintellct - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

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By eliteslayer29 - United States

Today, I sent my resume to a place where I hoped to work at. Since the job requires me to be doing work on the run, I put on it that I have a laptop. The only problem is that I always thought it was "labtop." I didn't learn the correct spelling until my daughter called me an idiot, she's 6. FML

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By Tootsy_Roll_Pop - United States

Today, I spent the whole day seeing how many licks it would take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop: 763. I'm 24. FML

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By NotAnInLawFamilyMan - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother-in-maw informed us that she sold her house and is moving in with us so we'll "take care" of her in old age. She's in perfect health. We've only been married for 4 months. My wife can't stand her for more than 2 weeks at a time, let alone living with us. FML

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By BroadwayBaby1997 - United States - Mission

Today, I've had more crushes on fictional characters than actual people. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I saw a real, erect penis for the first time. My brother's, while he was jerking off. He doesn't know I saw, because he was holding a pair of panties over his face with his other hand. I'm trying like hell to act like I'm not mentally scarred. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

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By everyonesdivorced - Iraq

Today, my husband of five years told me he's leaving me and will be gone when I return from Iraq. When I told him I love him and asked him not to go, he said he won't file divorce papers just yet, but he's moving out-of-state because "we need time apart." I've been gone for most of the year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albany

Today, my 11 month-old son started viciously biting whatever part of my anatomy he can sink his teeth into. He thinks it is hysterical to latch on while I scream helplessly in pain for him to let go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lyons

Instagone

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost four years was breaking up with me when she captioned an Instagram post saying, "Who else besides me is going into 2018 single?" I had already bought an engagement ring. FML

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By bongoboy - United States

Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. FML

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Top comments

By Zmeilerr | 22

#2030254 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:10

Well, either your account was too low or you did something else to get your account closed. They're just doing their job.

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#2030237 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:05

Happy Birthday and that sucks :(

COMMENTS

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#2030237 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:05

Happy Birthday and that sucks :(

Reply

teddy4nyy | 13

#2031253 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 2:00

to be fair, that's not a birthday wish

Reply

KingGeorgeGal | 12

#2780228 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 17:50

There are too many of these on FML.

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#2030249 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:08

Happy birthday :)

By DeesFMLs | 0

#2030252 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:09

if you bday was 31st then its the same as mine :D

Reply

Zmeilerr | 22

#2030261 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:13

Happy birthday to you!

Reply

Aerious | 0

#2030768 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:12

Happy birthday dear OP,

Reply

InBetweenDreams | 0

#2030794 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:25

Happy Birthday to you!! :D

Reply

Blackmail111 | 9

#2030848 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:48

Are you 1 are you 2 are you 3.....

Reply

yiselthedancer | 0

#2031445 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 5:28

happy b-day

By Zmeilerr | 22

#2030254 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:10

Well, either your account was too low or you did something else to get your account closed. They're just doing their job.

Reply

lationas | 25

#2031231 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:54

Idiot comment!

Reply

skiier4life | 1

#2032180 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 9:04

Idiot Reply!!!

By pissnmoan | 0

#2030264 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:13

Happy Birthday!

Reply

MaskedAspen | 6

#2030292 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:25

I second that

By FYLDeep | 25

#2030345 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:34

Keep money in your account and that won't happen.

Reply

Meme_N00b | 0

#2030777 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:18

or heres a simpler way
1. spend all of your money on a swedish hooker
2. kill said hooker and destroy all evidence
3.??????????
4. Profit!!!

Reply

nygyrfan | 10

#5875087 - Tuesday 4 March 2014 7:46

fucked up

By banana_buddy | 6

#2030374 - Monday 31 January 2011 19:39

"Today it WAS my birthday" ? Anyone else seeing anything contradicting about the first sentence?

Reply

Shorty_Shaza | 5

#2030534 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:32

Yep! I was just thinking the same lol it's appalling!

By furburger | 0

#2030469 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:02

I can't think of anything since I started pronouncing OP's name like MacGruber ; )

Happy Birthday.... Mi-Caw-Ber!!

By saleha97 | 4

#2030478 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:06

It's not the end of the world, always look on the bright side :) Happy B- day! Buy yourself something, you dont need others :))

Reply

LoveMySoldier82 | 0

#2030537 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:33

Kind of hard when his account is closed.

Reply

Blackmail111 | 9

#2030855 - Monday 31 January 2011 22:50

number 13 FTW

Reply

shoopd | 19

#2033641 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 20:34

13 - Indeed! Since, you know, cash is no good for buying stuff. Also, credit cards don't work for that either...

Reply

LoveMySoldier82 | 0

#2034126 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 0:06

Well usually if you have money in your account you it won't be closed. In fact they usually only close for either being negative too long or inactive too long. Also if you have cash you go to said bank and make sure you have a bank account. Unless you would rather be irresponsible and buy something instead of fixing your finances.

By Shorty_Shaza | 5

#2030540 - Monday 31 January 2011 20:35

Happy Birthday! Now that's TWO birthday greetings :)