Money: Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from... - FML

By Micawber - 31/01/2011 13:55 - Denmark

Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 342

You deserved it 3 453

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Sorry…

Receptacle

By ImNotFat - 18/02/2015 04:22 - New Zealand

Today, a photo of my friends and me was posted in our college group. I didn't notice my legs looked enormous until my friend pointed it out. Her comment got 50 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 865

You deserved it 3 263

By NewRoommateNeededASAP - 13/10/2016 01:29 - United States

Today, I skipped class and went to back my apartment early. I found that my roommate had broken into my room and was laying in my bed wearing my underwear, taking pictures of herself. Apparently, she's been doing it all semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 553

You deserved it 734

By dog_day - 19/12/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I was asked by my mom if I could have a joint-birthday party with her dog because it would be the dog's "big 1-0." She was completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 326

You deserved it 2 687

By emancipate my ass - 24/07/2016 04:02

Today, I had to listen from the next room as my dad cheated on his girlfriend with his married boss. He's 57, looks like a troll, and doesn't smell much better than one either. Meanwhile I'm 24 and couldn't get laid, much less get a date, if my life depended on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 637

You deserved it 1 549

By Broly171 - 01/10/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I lent my parents a copy of "The Dark Knight", saying it was one of my favorite movies so they needed to watch it. A bit later my mom called... Apparently my roommate wanted to watch it as well, but couldn't find the case to his porno and decided to just use the Batman case instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 242

You deserved it 5 621

Dates that matter

By mee - 19/02/2012 11:37 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend sang "Happy birthday" to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembers the date of the first time he went down on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 742

You deserved it 4 638

Stumped

By uneek14 - 23/06/2009 14:19 - Canada

Today, while reading some chemistry notes, I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say, "Ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 766

You deserved it 84 539

By Hikara - 13/04/2009 13:44 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were watching TV. She starts to undo my belt buckle, unzips my fly and then takes my pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited, she says to me, "Just joking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 165 251

You deserved it 24 319

By Beth - 28/04/2013 13:16 - United States - Raleigh

Spicy

Today, my parents decided to wake me up on my birthday. They flashed the lights and yanked off my bed sheets. I sleep naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 786

You deserved it 11 729

By the only sober one - 15/05/2013 06:21 - United States - San Diego

Today, as usual, my mom got shitfaced and started berating me for something. This time, it was for missing a therapy appointment. Not only am I unable to drive, it was her appointment. For her alcoholism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 857

You deserved it 2 788

By fuck you, jack - 04/03/2014 20:44 - United States - Peabody

Today, I got home late from work, so I decided to make myself a microwave meal. I pierced the plastic film several times. A little too loudly for my hateful bastard of a neighbor, I guess, because he called the cops on me, claiming he heard gunshots from my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 148

You deserved it 3 282

By Anonymous - 07/06/2009 14:26 - United States

Today, my crush was walking up to me and I put my earphones in, playing hard to get. When I heard him say something about a date I take an earphone out and say, "Oh, I didn't see you there!" His response, "They're not connected to anything," holds up the end of my earphones and walks away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 370

You deserved it 131 789

By thanks mom ¬_¬ - 24/08/2013 22:05 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 615

You deserved it 4 709

By Deadcat101 - 10/07/2012 23:26 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my unemployed mother decided to yet again stay home and drink heavily. So far she's kicked me out of the house, tipped over our sofa and thrown her vibrator out the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 979

You deserved it 1 924

By Anonymous - 22/11/2014 18:18 - Ireland - Kilkenny

Spicy

Today, I was having some rare good sex with my husband, when he suddenly said "I'm fuckin' BORED," and pulled out so he could go play his video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 029

You deserved it 5 590

By Anonymous - 12/08/2016 12:24 - United States - Huron

Today, I found out I and a coworker may get laid off soon, all because my boss's niece told him she can do both our jobs all by herself, and for less money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 552

You deserved it 1 057

By morethanablondemoment - 28/08/2015 04:40 - United States - Redding

Today, after working 8 hours and immediately packing my house for another 6 hours to prepare for moving, I was extremely exhausted and more than ready to brush my teeth and go to bed. I tiredly brushed my teeth with my mascara. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 321

You deserved it 4 324

By EwwGross - 31/08/2011 20:15 - United States

Today, I witnessed my neighbor draining his sewage-clogged plumbing into my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 470

You deserved it 1 936

Loud and long

By Anonymous - 01/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I'm stuck with sleeping in the same room as my mother. The problem? Her snores are extremely loud and a full minute long. I'm not kidding, I timed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 772

You deserved it 131

My 21st birthday

By Anonymous - 10/01/2020 14:00

Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 178

You deserved it 518

By brokennose - 26/08/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 759

You deserved it 67 390

By theassman - 11/03/2009 04:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom walked in on me masturbating. I minimized the porn on my laptop so she wouldn't see I was watching it. It turns out I was watching an old Beatles concert before I started masturbating. My mom thought I was masturbating to the Beatles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 098

You deserved it 80 417

By Anonymous - 16/06/2011 20:55 - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 594

You deserved it 11 441

By Tise81 - 22/06/2019 14:00 - Netherlands - Drachten

Today, my 18-year-old son got his first tattoo. I would have loved it, if it wasn't a text on his hand with a glaring spelling mistake in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 193

By Anonymous - 24/02/2016 17:58 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend made me a chocolate cake to try and cheer me after my dog died. My dog died because my dad fed him chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 250

You deserved it 1 877

Who the fuck are you?

By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 02:02

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to send a message to the girl I've been crushing on for years. I'm now blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 174

By Oops - 26/09/2011 15:35 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 835

You deserved it 7 803

By familyofpsychos - 26/10/2012 04:38 - United States - Elkhorn

Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 358

You deserved it 2 333

By Ginger - 03/02/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 217

You deserved it 3 167

By anonymous - 24/05/2016 03:41 - United States - Manchester

Today, I got put in a speech impediment class because apparently I have a lisp. No, my tongue is just swollen, and I can't talk very well because of it. I've talked normally for the past 17 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 151

You deserved it 737

Lujack

By Anonymous - 03/04/2016 09:46 - United States - Oakland

Today, I found out the real reason my dad bought a new car and generously gave me his old one. He knew the engine was about to fail and didn't want it to be his problem when it finally did. It blew out while I was driving at high speed on the motorway. Just my luck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 658

You deserved it 1 740

By Anonymous - 05/11/2015 02:34 - United States - Yellow Springs

Today, my friend explained that his internship was clearly worse than mine because he got yelled at by clients. One of my clients ripped out my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 470

You deserved it 1 535

By doggone - 14/07/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I went to a pet store to adopt a dog. I got a medium sized lab, a dog crate, and a few toys, then put his crate in the back of my truck and the dog in his crate. On the way home I realized I forgot dog bowls and some dog food. I went back, and when I got back out to my truck, my dog was gone. My stereo too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 040

You deserved it 8 666

By anonymous - 04/09/2016 22:12 - United States - Morristown

Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 807

You deserved it 4 042

By stubble - 13/11/2009 06:26 - Canada

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 809

You deserved it 3 473

By Broon - 25/05/2012 19:55 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, on the brink of a stiflingly hot summer, I've come to a terrible realisation. It seems the apartment I've just moved into has been specially insulated to trap enough heat inside for the occupants to survive the planet's next Ice Age. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 884

You deserved it 2 510

By Eponine13 - 05/06/2019 22:00

Today, I thought it would be fun to climb a tree. My older sister also thought it would be fun to set the tree on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 870

You deserved it 164

By IceCreamCraver - 16/08/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, the ice cream truck went by my house for the seventh time today, as it has for the last seven days of my fasting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 569

You deserved it 8 396

By baybuh - 30/12/2009 17:26 - United States

Today, I realized that the cute freckle I noticed a few weeks ago is actually a giant blackhead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 874

You deserved it 26 362

By anonymous - 03/12/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 725

You deserved it 82 542

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Monday 31 January 2011 19:10

Well, either your account was too low or you did something else to get your account closed. They're just doing their job.

sweet_candy_ 17

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Monday 31 January 2011 19:05

Happy Birthday and that sucks :(

Comments

sweet_candy_ 17

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Monday 31 January 2011 19:05

Happy Birthday and that sucks :(

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 2:00

to be fair, that's not a birthday wish

KingGeorgeGal 12

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Tuesday 28 June 2011 17:50

There are too many of these on FML.

mea_iloveskiing 26

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Monday 31 January 2011 19:08

Happy birthday :)

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Monday 31 January 2011 19:09

if you bday was 31st then its the same as mine :D

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Monday 31 January 2011 19:13

Happy birthday to you!

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Monday 31 January 2011 22:12

Happy birthday dear OP,

InBetweenDreams 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 22:25

Happy Birthday to you!! :D

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Monday 31 January 2011 22:48

Are you 1 are you 2 are you 3.....

yiselthedancer 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 5:28

happy b-day

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Monday 31 January 2011 19:10

Well, either your account was too low or you did something else to get your account closed. They're just doing their job.

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:54

Idiot comment!

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 9:04

Idiot Reply!!!

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Monday 31 January 2011 19:13

Happy Birthday!

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Monday 31 January 2011 19:25

I second that

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Monday 31 January 2011 19:34

Keep money in your account and that won't happen.

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Monday 31 January 2011 22:18

or heres a simpler way 1. spend all of your money on a swedish hooker 2. kill said hooker and destroy all evidence 3.?????????? 4. Profit!!!

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Tuesday 4 March 2014 7:46

fucked up

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Monday 31 January 2011 19:39

"Today it WAS my birthday" ? Anyone else seeing anything contradicting about the first sentence?

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Monday 31 January 2011 20:32

Yep! I was just thinking the same lol it's appalling!

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Monday 31 January 2011 20:02

I can't think of anything since I started pronouncing OP's name like MacGruber ; ) Happy Birthday.... Mi-Caw-Ber!!

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Monday 31 January 2011 20:06

It's not the end of the world, always look on the bright side :) Happy B- day! Buy yourself something, you dont need others :))

LoveMySoldier82 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 20:33

Kind of hard when his account is closed.

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Monday 31 January 2011 22:50

number 13 FTW

shoopd 19

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 20:34

13 - Indeed! Since, you know, cash is no good for buying stuff. Also, credit cards don't work for that either... </sarcasm>

LoveMySoldier82 0

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 0:06

Well usually if you have money in your account you it won't be closed. In fact they usually only close for either being negative too long or inactive too long. Also if you have cash you go to said bank and make sure you have a bank account. Unless you would rather be irresponsible and buy something instead of fixing your finances.

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Monday 31 January 2011 20:35

Happy Birthday! Now that's TWO birthday greetings :)

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 28

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 22

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 192

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 260