Today, my 11 month-old son stopped saying mom and started saying dad. He already looks exactly like him. I can't help but feel jealous. FML
Today, I found one of my boyfriend's earbuds in the dryer. He's gonna be pissed. FML
Today, I was demoted from my job because the security cameras caught me dancing in the elevator, and it was considered "inappropriate behavior." I was celebrating getting a promotion. FML
Today, it's been over 3 months since I've had a day off. I suppose that's what happens when you run someone else's business, run your own business, and have a child. I make $410 a week. Rent is $400. FML
Today, I work the night shift as a security officer. I packed my uniform and my stuff into one large bag and left for work. When I arrived, I realized that I'd left something important at home, so guess what it was? My security pass and it was almost 5 minutes before my shift started. FML
Today, while on the way to my grandpa's funeral, my brother announced he's moving in with me. When I said no because he's a alcoholic drug addict, both him and my mum started screaming at me that I'm a horrible person and that I don't love them. It's been a hour. Only two more to go plus the return trip. FML
Today, I discovered that more than half my family has disowned me on both my mother's and father's sides, and whilst I was having my mental breakdown about this, I tried to call my boyfriend to tell him what had happened, He fell asleep and didn't call me back for 5 hours. FML
Today, I realized what an immature child my mother is, and has always been. Even though she’s past middle aged, she still screenshots social media posts to laugh and make fun of people she went to high school with. FML
Today, I ended up being wasting an entire week on a very important scholarship essay because I thought the requirements said “3500 words” when in reality, they said “3500 characters.” FML
Today, my water pills are almost identical to my sleeping pills, so not only did I not get any sleep, I had to get up every 15-30 minutes to go to the bathroom. FML
Today, my kids made a mess in the kitchen while trying to make breakfast in bed for me. The mess was bigger than the breakfast. FML
Today, I've discovered that it's hard to convince your friend that your Internet won't stop randomly shutting off when he's trying to have a serious conversation with you. I'm actually not lying, but he thinks I'm trying to ignore him. FML
Today, my boyfriend went out and bought a pistol. When I asked him in horror why he did such a thing, he said, "It's my God-given right as a US citizen!" We're not even American, we immigrated from the UK, and we were both atheists, or so I thought. FML
Today, my boyfriend helped me move some things into storage, all while complaining about the amount of stuff I own. He's the one who keeps buying me things I don't need or want, even though I tell him every year I wouldn’t mind getting no gifts at all. FML
Today, I decided to get a haircut to change up my look. I asked for a bob, but the hairstylist misunderstood and gave me some sort of bowl cut. I look like a '90s sitcom character. FML
Today, my workplace is doing a "time and a half" day for the Fourth of July. Take a wild guess at who is the only employee who's not scheduled to work. FML
Today, I was doing some routine maintenance on my car when a radiator connector broke unexpectedly. I realized I'd rather walk 3 miles in freezing temperatures than call my nearest friends for a ride and have to listen to their drama. FML
Today, as an overprotective mother, I asked my 19 year-old son, who was going to spend his day on the beach, if he’d taken any protection with him. He pulled out a box of condoms, beaming with pride. I was talking about suntan lotion. FML
Today, I had sex with a guy on our third date. We'd just finished having sex and he was blatantly on Tinder right next to me in bed. I literally hadn’t moved yet and he still had a wet boner, and yet he was on Tinder looking for his next hookup. FML
Today, my mother was guilting my wife and I for freezing embryos as a delay tactic to deny her grandchildren. Fed up, I told her, "Why don't you throw in a 'You'll miss me when I'm dead' to finish this guilt trip?" Now, she's crying and my father wants to murder me. FML
Today, an Edible Arrangements driver knocked on my door with the most delicious-looking gift! He was just asking for directions. FML
Today, at 3 a.m., I was woken by my teenage daughter and friends skateboarding in front of the house in their bikinis. After last year's early morning adventures ended with the police calling me, I'd convinced her the rules are different for girls and boys. This morning the best I could do was get them to wear helmets. FML
Middle Age Divorced Dad tells us more.
OP here replying to Nikki - The world is different for sons and daughters. Last summer, when she was 13, she snuck out in the middle of the night and walked 5km to make out with her boyfriend on lawn of a toys'r us. The police called me at 3 in the morning to come pick her up. (my previous FML) As much as I try and treat my sons and daughters the same, it really isn't safe for a young girl to be walking alone in the middle of the night. That's also why I couldn't really demand her and her friends come in, since her older brothers would go skate boarding in the middle of the night. At least she was out right outside our house so I knew she was safe.
Today, I found an old photo album in my Facebook account, which had pictures of previous hangouts with people I called friends at the time. I deleted it because they progressively cut ties with me over time. FML
Today, I woke up to find out that my practically feral cat had chewed through my laptop charger cable. I guess I won't be getting much work done today. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to use the “It’s my birthday” excuse to get access to my booty hole. Last time he used the “My favourite aunt died” excuse, and before that, the night of our fourth date, he used the “I’m drunk and can’t find the right hole” excuse. Take the hint, no means never. FML
Today, my top priorities for being able to function in life are being healthy and slim, and getting enough sleep. Unfortunately, my only remaining pleasures in life are eating chocolate and reading long novels in bed. FML
Today, I had to stay at a friend's house because my dryer caught fire. My friend decided to start cleaning, so he put on his music playlist. By sheer coincidence, the first song that played was "Light My Fire." FML
Today, I'm halfway through of packing my stuff as we are moving to another flat. I discovered that I got chickenpox, which means that I should do no hard physical work. I've got a fever and a headache. It started raining in the morning, so loading stuff to truck is going to be so much fun. FML
Today, on the road in China, I committed a small offense. A cop saw me, stopped me and told me that I deserved to be punished. He didn’t fine me, instead he sent me to the naughty step for five minutes. FML
Today, I wanted to top up my shower gel dispenser. After carefully squeezing the entire tube into the dispenser, I realized why it looked so white: I'd mixed the remaining shower gel with the entire tube of fancy, expensive, organic body lotion that my grandma had given me for Christmas. FML
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