Today, after I've spent years cultivating my reputation at work as a hardass who's good to his team, as long as they're competent and own up to mistakes, my mother came as a customer and suddenly I'm a kid all over again. She even tried to pat my head and ask if I'm eating enough. Now my team all keep smirking at me. FML
Today, at work on the front desk at a dental office, there was a massive system glitch. I'm now currently recreating appointments for around 300 patients, on top of checking out the patients that are currently in today from their appointments. FML
Today, I was eating out with my family. I have 2 brothers. Our waitress comes and says, "Look at those 3 handsome young men." I didn't think of it until my 5-year-old brother shouted, " She's a girl!'" FML
Today, it’s my birthday. Not only did my boyfriend of 5 years forget, when I reminded him, he said very unenthusiastically, “Oh, Happy Birthday.” When I said, “That’s it?” he got annoyed and said,“Well, what else do you want me to tell you?” FML
Today, after two months of having a bird, she finally trusts me enough to perch on and even preen me. Unfortunately, it seems she thinks my freckles are lice and she's made it her mission to bite them off. FML
Today, and every other day for the past week and a half, I have added a new step to my nightly routine: violently throwing up, just before bed. Fuck you, gallbladder. FML
Today, now that I've lost a significant amount of weight, all the guys that turned me down saying they “liked me as just a friend” all of a sudden are in my DMs saying, “Hey beautiful” and asking me out on a date. Nice to know I’m only liked for my body. FML
Today, I had to take a photo of my asshole after I sat on a rusty nail, causing considerable pain. Thankfully, no major damage was done. Unfortunately, the photo synced up to my mum's iPad, since it's linked to my Apple ID. FML
Today, I found out via Whatsapp status about a girl's outing of a group I'm in. I wasn't invited. I'm 35 and it's high school all over again. FML
Today, my parents screamed at me for being diagnosed as depressed, because I’m not allowed to be depressed, because me being depressed makes them look like bad parents who couldn’t raise a happy, normal child, so I have to be happy or I’ll be punished. FML
Today, I got my first tattoo. I felt good about it, until I told my mom, who was not happy. She responded by taking me out of her car insurance policy, family plan, and charging me for rent every month since I, "wanna be all grown up now.” FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that he hasn't showered in over a week because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML
Today, at work, I shat myself at my desk thinking it was a fart. I had to waddle down to the parking garage and drive myself home. I’m a grown man. FML
Today, I arranged a date with a girl online I really get along with, because frankly we both have a filthy sense of humour and love sexting. At the date, it turns out she’s deaf, which is not a problem, but she brought her sister as an interpreter. Without our usual conversation, it was just painfully awkward. FML
Today, I got my acceptance letter from Harvard University. Yay! Unfortunately, I sent it as a joke, never thinking I'd get accepted and I have absolutely no way to get there, or the money to pay for it. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with gout. I’m 19. FML
Today, the token of appreciation from my husband after paying off his student loan debt, being his support system when his mother died, and cooking and cleaning for his ass everyday, is him getting my sister pregnant. FML
Today, the 61 year-old Vice-President of our company complained about a blister to four landscapers working outside in the July heat, for 10 minutes. He then made me carry his lunch bag. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend why he never wants to sleepover anymore. He said he loves me, but that sleeping next to me is like sleeping next to someone reenacting the crucifixion while being mauled to death by squirrels. So much for cuddling through the night. FML
Today, a waiter fucked up by bringing a dessert with engagement ring to our table. My girlfriend started crying and saying, "Yes Yes Yes!" The look on her face when she had to take the ring off and give it back to the other woman… She’s now giving me the silent treatment, even though I did nothing wrong. FML
Today, four years after coming back home from working in another country, I got a tax bill from that country. For my income there from two years ago. If they give me the money I supposedly earned, I'll gladly pay those taxes. FML
Today, after confessing to my 16 year-old sister that I was only into guys younger than me, she said that was OK because she was attracted to guys in their late 40's and that an age gap was not that much of a big deal. FML
Today, my girlfriend came up to me to ask me to have access to my Google account, just so she could delete all my photos then break up with me, saying I was in the wrong. She thought it was disrespectful for me to have a life outside of her. FML
Today, my boyfriend's 16-year-old daughter got a job. I'm 29, have a Master’s degree in chemistry and I'm still unemployed. FML
Today, I saw a YouTube video of the cutest, sweetest old dog. When I checked the channel for more videos of this dog, I discovered that he died last month. Day ruined. FML
Today, my friend and I were driving to work, when she asked me to stop at the gas station. Ten minutes later, I see this woman come out, my friend right behind her. The woman spotted me, an intense look in her eyes. She marched over, threw a paper at me, and screamed, "Jesus died for our sins!" She then stormed off. I'm a crazy magnet. FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. He pointed to two crossed swords above the fireplace and informed me the right one is his, and that if I ever hurt his daughter, he’ll give me a fighting chance by letting me use the left one. This guy thinks he lives in the Middle Ages or something. FML
Today, I found out that my mother organized someone to feed my pets because I would be out of town overnight, even though I told her that I would be back in the morning and they would be fine. They overfed my dogs, with one of them eating over 10% of her weight, and now she may have bloat, which is often fatal. FML
Today, I sneezed so hard, I farted. During my vaccine appointment. I hate hayfever. FML
Today, I was in a slump for my private eye business. My idiot brother-in-law recently got engaged to a woman we don't know, and had a gut feeling about. Through my search, it turns out she is still legally married and only filed for divorce 3 weeks before the engagement. I don't know how to bring it up. FML
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