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The all-time greatest FMLs

Well worth the money

By Anonymous - 06/10/2022 03:30 - Australia

Today, I'm on a certain diet. I had to have a green protein banana smoothie for breakfast. I shook it up, took a mouthful, and immediately started gagging. Apparently, the seal for the bottle had fallen in, and it got stuck in my throat. Luckily it was slimy and came out relatively easily. I paid $12 for that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 265

Tetchy

By Anonymous - 26/11/2023 00:00

Today, I got home and my wife asked me why I hadn’t taken the bin out or cleaned the living room. I asked her why she hadn’t done it since she got fired 6 months ago for laziness and since then has sat on her ass watching daytime TV instead of job searching. She threw a mug at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 178

Rumor mill

By Gerald - 16/01/2023 16:00

Today, I found out that a new coworker was spreading false rumours about me. I confronted her. and she basically ran to management and said I intimidated her even though other colleagues discredited her claims. She now continues spreading the rumours with her fake intimidation charges on top of it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 105

Dave, don't stick your knob in beehives!

By Pinsky - 01/08/2022 00:00

Today, I got stung by a bee on the tip top of my penis. No one understands why I am limping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 367

A tad harsh

By Anonymous - 14/08/2022 12:00

Today, as punishment for peeing on the toilet seat, my dad told my son Santa isn’t real and nor is the tooth fairy or the Easter bunny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 249

Road rage

By Anonymous - 15/05/2023 22:00

Today, my dad is such an asshole, he pulled out into traffic because he was too impatient to wait, which is how we ended up in the middle of a funeral for 5 miles, right behind the hearse. It was the funeral of a friend's dad and now I have 87 missed calls from her, and I’m too scared to answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 144

By Anonyme - 25/03/2016 03:52 - Japon - Tokyo

Today, I tried a photo booth that automatically whitens skin. Being naturally very pale, the machine whitened me so much that my face merged with the white background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 151

Hiding something?

By Carolina - 16/08/2023 14:00

Today, my husband threw an epic tantrum about how “men are allowed to have female friends”, smashed stuff in the living room, for him to storm out and slam the door, making the house tremble. All I did was tell him that his friendship with his secretary made me uncomfortable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 228

Scammed

By Beuhilda - 19/05/2021 20:01

Today, I sold a dresser on OfferUp. When I arrive at the customer’s house to deliver it and discussed the payment, she got upset and called me a selfish, greedy bitch because she’s a "single mom on food stamps." She berated me to the point of tears. I left without getting my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 681

Karma sucks

By gagus123 - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I pretended to be sick at the office and went home early because I wanted to attend a party. On the way to the said party, my car caught fire on the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 2 482

Economy 101

By cheap bastard! - 14/02/2023 02:00 - United States

Today, instead of thinking he should try to get a higher-paying job (like I did) my husband decided to come up with some money saving ideas. Almost all of them include being unhygienic, such as weekly showers, wiping dishes, and only washing clothes after 5 or more wears. I want a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 172

The Psychopath Test

By ji. - 28/09/2021 17:00

Today, I caught my two-year-old son dragging his baby sister, by the hair, with a smile on his face. My husband still believes there’s a possibility our son isn’t a psychopath because, and I quote, “He’s only two.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 383

Scapegoat

By anondad - 22/07/2022 06:00 - Philippines - Talisay

Today, I thought I'd start my day bright and positive but then people around me started blaming me for almost anything that's not going well for them, like missing pictures, dirty house, and even stains in the kitchen but I don't have anything to do with any of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 173

Jaywalking?

By Anonymous - 03/07/2021 16:01

Today, while walking on the sidewalk, I was hit by a daycare van. After going to the police to complain, I was given a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 113

Escaping

By Anonymous - 30/10/2021 08:00

Today, my mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly, made passive aggressive comments to my kids in front of me about how we need a bigger place to live, and asked questions about our income. We're actually trying to move soon, and just hadn't told them yet so they wouldn't try to follow us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 97

Creeps everywhere

By Anonymous - 06/08/2022 10:00 - United States - Crestline

Today, and every time go I to the gym this guy follows me. A week ago, I saw him taking photos of me, so I left that gym and went to another one, but the creep was still there. What do I do? FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 129

Love is love

By Anonymous - 07/12/2022 22:00

Today, I'm a queer woman who's been in love for two years with my straight Muslim female friend. If she ever found out about my interest in her, she'd probably be disgusted. It also doesn't help that my homophobic/racist/xenophobic/islamophobic Catholic family would disown me if they found out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 403

What the actual…?

By Anonymous - 28/06/2023 22:00

Today, my friend bit me. The first time I said "Ow!" and pushed her away. The third time really hurt, and I got mad and said, "Don't fucking bite me!" and walked away angrily. She chased after me and told me I couldn't be mad at her, then got mad when I wouldn't talk to her. She didn't say sorry once and it started bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 131

Infrastructure bill

By Anonymous - 12/11/2021 02:00

Today, I ran over a pothole that was so small it barely qualified as a hole, more like a dent than a hole, but somehow it was still enough to completely crack the rim of my tire and made me 3 hours late to work. I get paid by the hour, so this will hurt my paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 170

Kick the bum out, part 2

By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 265

Damned if you do…

By Anonymous - 25/03/2022 10:00

Today, I woke up early to do the dishes and clean up, after having people over yesterday. Now my wife is mad at me because I didn't stay in bed with her longer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 112

Long time coming

By Anonymous - 14/04/2023 13:00

Today, it's been 14 years since at our wedding my now-husband lost the wedding ring, and we had to rush to buy another, which delayed the wedding and cost us our honeymoon flight and thousands of extra pounds. I just got his old suit out to dry clean. The missing ring was in its box, in his jacket. I'm going to kill him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 270

This is actual irony, Alanis

By Anonymous - 21/02/2022 04:00 - Belgium - Tamines

Today, I'm starting to have a chlorine sensitivity. I'm a swimming teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 79

Best Baby Names of 2021

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 05:02

Today, my boyfriend has had name ideas for his future son and daughter even before I met him, but so have I. He disregards my ideas and suggestions, and is hell bent on giving our kids names because he likes "the way they sound." 'Hippopotamus' sounds good, but who’d name their kids that? FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 207

Seek help?

By Anonymous - 19/12/2022 18:00 - United States - Forest Grove

Today, everything I eat makes me sick, so I don't know what to eat anymore now. My BMI is low and I'm absolutely starving. I can't even eat rice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 130

Relationship goals

By Anonymous - 12/04/2023 00:00

Today, after my man told me to get the dishes done and clean up the kitchen, he got mad at me because I didn’t answer my phone when our son needed medicine that was downstairs. I didn’t hear it ring because I was throwing out the trash, cleaning out the fridge, and washing the dishes, like I was told to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 307

Great expectations

By trustworthy friend - 22/12/2022 12:00

Today, the guy I’ve been hanging out with and crushing on told me we now know each other well enough to be completely open with each other. I was excited, thinking our mild flirtations would finally go further. He just wanted me to know he’s gay, and asked me if I knew any single guys for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 199

I'm in this FML and I don't like it

By Anonymous - 23/06/2022 06:00

Today, my son has decided he doesn’t want children, or pets, or friends, or a girlfriend, or to visit his living relatives, except for me. I’m scared that once I’m dead he’ll disappear into his house and never come out until the neighbours notice the smell after he’s dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 447

Management 101

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 04:01 - South Africa

Today, I got a call from the bank, telling me my mom's company is going broke. She's been on holiday for a month, and I had been appointed to manage it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 208

Receptacle

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 02:01

Today, I felt sick at work and tried to run to the bathroom with my hand covering my mouth, but saw a garbage can and removed my hand to let it loose. I forgot to remove my mask. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 249

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The Top

Today, I was sending some dirty texts to my boyfriend, when I heard a knocking sound coming through the wall. I sat there for ten minutes before I realized I was listening to my mom and her boyfriend having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 854

You deserved it 6 583

Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 596

You deserved it 7 684

Today, I was sitting on the bus when a large woman with what seemed like the flu came to sit beside me. After snorting hideously for five minutes, she picked up her scarf, blew her nose into it, and dropped it. It fell on my lap. When I stood up to leave the bus, there were streaks of snot on my new skirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 275

You deserved it 3 095

Today, while backpacking in Switzerland I had my camera stolen. Not only does this have photos of my entire trip but the pictures I took for my best friend's wedding. I was the only photographer of her elopement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 161

You deserved it 12 240

Today, as part of my job, I had to watch a few 5 year-olds while their parents were busy with my manager. It only confirmed my choice to never have children, and yet my mother still insists I should have one, because once they exist and I love them, I’ll see how silly my choice to not have them is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 179

Today, I drank water from a random, half-full water bottle I found inside a bumper car (AKA dodgems) at the local fairground, thinking it was mine. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 942