Today, despite being hearing impaired, I just spent an hour on the phone with Comcast setting up my mom's internet, because my sister who hears fine is "too busy." FML
Today, they've been building a house next door. I went to wash and wax my car, and I was back home for only 10 minutes before a Bobcat digger backed into it. FML
Today, I reluctantly went to a family get together. My nosy aunt decided to try to lecture me on why I should spank my kids. That’s great coming from a woman who was a teen mom, had kids with 3 different guys, and now has grown kids that hate her guts. Yeah I truly need lessons on how to be a mom. FML
Today, my partner and I went to the inspection of a house we wanted to buy. The whole roof was illegal. This is the second time our realtor has shown us a house with major issues. FML
Today, I got back from an 8 month deployment but rather than being pleased to see me my wife wanted to continue the same argument we were having the day I left. I miss being shot at. FML
Today, I tried to nicely talk to my daughter about her rapid weight gain. Having a family history of weight-related illness, I felt it was necessary. I offered to get thyroid tests, teach her to buy healthy food, and start routine exercise. She told everyone I called her a cow and had fat-shamed her. FML
Today, I noticed my credit score increased by 30 points. Not understanding why, I checked credit karma and found out someone opened several credit cards in my name. FML
Today, I had to give my four year-old daughter some tough love, which I hate doing. When she ran away crying, my son, her twin brother, looked at me and said, "You should be ashamed of yourself." FML
Today, I came back to work after 4 days off, as I'd worked a whole month with no weekends or days off, 8-12 hours per day. I came back to over 200 unread emails, 300 emails to send, and over 50 arrears collection calls to make by 2pm. It appears that my coworker did nothing the whole time I was off. FML
Today, I was at hospital and the nurse asked me for an emergency contact number. I was about to say my wife, but she divorced me last month. I couldn’t think of anyone else. My parents are dead, none of my other relatives live in this country, and I have no children or friends. FML
Today, I got my first positive Covid test. It's also the first day of a week-long vacation that included two things I'd been planning for weeks that I haven't done in years, and a trip somewhere I've been looking forward to for months. All shot to hell right before it began. FML
Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that the reason why he tickles me all the time is because tickling really turns him on, and my ticklishness is "so fucking sexy!" FML
Today, my manager sat me down and insinuated that it's my fault that our new hires are useless. Not one person ever told me that I was responsible for training them. I'm not in charge, and they've been here for weeks. FML
Today, I realized that I’ve been slowly staying later and later at work, then having a glass of wine before bed to avoid my husband, because we mostly fight whenever we see each other now. FML
Today, my sister’s son, who adores me, started calling me, “my funny uncle.” I was later informed this is also a euphemism for an uncle who molested you. I didn't know, and now he won’t stop saying it. FML
Today, while chatting with my work friend, our work photographer walked in saying she needed two people for a photo for our company social media. My friend said OK, and without hesitation the photographer said, while side-eyeing me, “Great. I’ll go see who else might be free to be in the picture with you.” FML
Today, my girlfriend suggested that she needs a "cuddle buddy" because I'm never home to spend with her. I have to work two jobs to pay the bills because she keeps calling in "sick" from her job. FML
Today, I got stung by a bee on the tip top of my penis. No one understands why I am limping. FML
Today, my dad is such an asshole, he pulled out into traffic because he was too impatient to wait, which is how we ended up in the middle of a funeral for 5 miles, right behind the hearse. It was the funeral of a friend's dad and now I have 87 missed calls from her, and I’m too scared to answer. FML
Today, as every morning since I started working from home, my mother interrupts me with her complaints about family members and old history. I'm not qualified to be a family therapist, and I need this job to pay my bills. She doesn't take the hint with my headphones on, but heaven help me if I interrupt her TV show later. FML
Today, I overheard my mother saying that if murder were legal, there would be absolutely no chance that I wouldn’t have been killed as a baby. FML
Today, after falling down an incredibly expansive DNA test rabbit hole, I found out that my first girlfriend was actually related to me. I can’t believe I’ve lived what I always thought was a disgusting and unrealistic porn trope: teen lesbian incest. FML
Today, I excitedly went to check this week's paycheck, only to see that I only received $9.00. This isn't a mistake, this is really what I make. FML
Today, for about the tenth time this month, I opened my mouth and was immediately told to, “Shut the fuck up” before I'd actually said anything. FML
Today, I caught my two-year-old son dragging his baby sister, by the hair, with a smile on his face. My husband still believes there’s a possibility our son isn’t a psychopath because, and I quote, “He’s only two.” FML
Today, everything I eat makes me sick, so I don't know what to eat anymore now. My BMI is low and I'm absolutely starving. I can't even eat rice. FML
Today, while walking on the sidewalk, I was hit by a daycare van. After going to the police to complain, I was given a ticket. FML
Today, I showed my family my new pet hamster. At the sight of him, my grandmother, who I had no idea hated rodents, let out a loud screech, causing my usually docile hamster to bite me and piss in my cupped hand. FML
Today, my fiancé told me to quit my bitching and to just order a wedding dress off Wish. I'm willing to get an inexpensive dress and in fact I hate designer labels altogether. However, I draw the line at the cheap, poorly made crap from that site. FML
Today, I'm a queer woman who's been in love for two years with my straight Muslim female friend. If she ever found out about my interest in her, she'd probably be disgusted. It also doesn't help that my homophobic/racist/xenophobic/islamophobic Catholic family would disown me if they found out. FML
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