The Top

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By tony456 - 11/07/2011 21:08 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out while she was laying on me. Her little brother walked in, saw us and yelled, "Mom they're swallowing each other!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 753

You deserved it 24 599

Freaked out

By Anonymous - 04/08/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend informed me I need to stop staying up all night, because it's "really sketchy" and he feels "uncomfortable" not knowing what I'm doing, and why I'm awake. I'm an insomniac, I have been my whole life, and he knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 086

You deserved it 193

Losing it

By emegemerald - 04/07/2011 04:13 - United States

Today, I went to visit my great-grandma. I saw that her dog had this red fluid on his ear, so I asked my grandma about it. She said she put red finger nail-polish in his ear so she could tell the difference between 'all' of her dogs. She only has one dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 808

You deserved it 2 629

Unmutilated dick

By badnewsbears - 21/10/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the cafeteria when one of my friends yelled out, "Jake is uncircumcised!" as a joke. The girl I have a crush on was sitting at the table behind me and turned around and asked if it was true. I said yes; she responded with, "Wow, hope I never have to see that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 145

You deserved it 4 439

Delivery!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I dropped it off as usual, but my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6-year-old patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132 200

You deserved it 8 357

By That escalated quickly. - 28/08/2017 20:00

Today, I was excited by the thought of the bathroom in my rental being replaced after the plumber advised that the leak can't be easily fixed. Instead, the owner has decided to fully renovate and is kicking me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 985

You deserved it 347

Turned on

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 10:57 - Denmark

Today, was the first time my boyfriend slept over. He was hard, so I woke him up by whispering in his ear, "If you could get me to do anything right now, what would it be?" His response, "Can you get me a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream?" He was hard, for ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 491

You deserved it 14 951

By Anonymous - 26/08/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, a customer at work made threats against me and my two-month old son. Instead of following policy by notifying the police, my manager apologized to him and told me to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 162

You deserved it 217

By Pugsley - 30/08/2019 14:02 - Australia

Today, for my birthday, I found out I'm too ugly even for a hooker to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 258

You deserved it 367

Restrictions

By TheHam - 05/09/2019 18:00 - Sweden

Today, the school called my dad telling him they want to put me on a diet, because they're worried about my weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 647

Freaky

By lifeonfire12 - 16/04/2012 01:13 - Canada

Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 716

You deserved it 42 235

By Anonymous - 29/03/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 319

You deserved it 10 511

By girly - 12/04/2012 04:06 - United States - Canton

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 653

You deserved it 52 754

Risky move

By Username - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my fiancé, the love of my life, informed me that he proposed because he was sure I'd say no. He was hoping it would lead to our breakup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 001

You deserved it 3 898

Prankster

By longlostkid556 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on came over to work on a project. My dad rushed into the room we were in, farted, and then ran out giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 745

You deserved it 5 895

Bad advice

By Anonymous - 21/03/2009 19:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was really stressed about a guy he works with being a jerk. I told him, "If you ignore something long enough, it won't bother you anymore." His response was, "I've ignored my herpes for a long time but it still bothers me." We've been having sex for 3 months now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140 437

You deserved it 22 807

Booming economy!

By ThatGuy24 - 26/09/2019 22:00

Today, it's my birthday and it would be a great day if me and my wife weren’t literally too poor to celebrate it. To make it even better, she won’t have birthday sex with me, because we live with her mom and she’s afraid of her hearing us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 964

You deserved it 436

Glazed over

By lulupie - 08/08/2016 09:10

Today, I went to a job interview. I really needed the job to keep my apartment. As I was being interviewed, the manager looked past me and stared off into space. There goes the job and my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 107

You deserved it 1 161

At least they're reading them…

By Typidiot - 25/10/2017 01:37

Today, I spent ages writing a draft press release as part of a copywriting job application. I worked really hard and read it through several times before submitting. They emailed me to point out that I'd misspelled the name of the company. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 2 716

By dumbteacher - 23/05/2011 14:35

Today, my AP teacher once again accused me of plagiarism. Apparently the words "demise," "ultimately," and "rural," are too sophisticated for an 11th grade AP student to use and MUST have been copied from the Internet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 572

You deserved it 3 191

This Is Us

By CrackHouseBaby - 16/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 614

You deserved it 167

Not now

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 23:00 - United States - Marlton

Today, at my mother's funeral, as everyone was around her casket for the viewing, my 5-year-old son in cluelessness of what was going on shouted, "Grandma is more fun when she isn't sleeping." Everyone cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 559

You deserved it 3 989

Strange Diet

By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 18:00

Today, I woke this morning to my girlfriend asking me how many calories are in her deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 449

You deserved it 208

Welcome…

By Anonymous - 19/02/2013 07:55 - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, I met my mother's deeply religious fiancé for the first time. His response upon seeing me was to look me square in the eye and say, "You'll need to take out that nose stud or I'm afraid you'll not be welcome in our home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 845

You deserved it 4 581

Simple Pleasures

By boredwithnothingtodo - 29/10/2019 06:07 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I got a new washer and dryer set. It's sad when all you have to do at night is make popcorn and watch the clothes washing. I even invited friends over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 360

You deserved it 322

The straights are at it again

By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 12:01 - United States

Today, I went on a Grindr date with a really cute guy. I thought things went really well. When he dropped me off at home, he told me not to text him anymore because his wife might get mad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 036

You deserved it 318

Toot toot

By gassy - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 256

You deserved it 36 109

By Bbrooks88 - 19/01/2018 19:00 - United States

Today, I finalized my new car purchase after three months on the job at a new company. Two hours later, I was informed that my position has been eliminated. I have two weeks to find a new job or I'm completely screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 233

You deserved it 390

By collegekidproblems - 30/06/2016 19:35 - United States

Today, I have put in many job applications and had many interviews for a variety of positions all of which I am highly qualified for. Today, I heard back from all but one that I am overqualified. Welcome to Walmart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 577

You deserved it 954

The not-so-great escape

By malloreigh - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I was eating a meatball sub when a meatball fell out and rolled into my hair and all down my shirt. I couldn't find the missing meatball anywhere. I found it later, in my handbag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 239

You deserved it 4 624

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The Top

Today, my husband insisted a man can orgasm without cumming if he just clenches hard enough, so of course he went ahead and tried. He got such a powerful cramp in his groin, he shat himself on our cream carpet. Then as I tried to help, he came anyway, right into my fucking eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 511

You deserved it 119

Today, after my wife broke my heart years ago when she cheated, I then met my sexual ying, and developed a napalm relationship, but she lost her marriage and relies on me for everything. So now I have FOUR human beings relying on me. Nobody should say anything but I deserved it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 1 634

Random

Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 554

You deserved it 5 527

Today, the pills my doctor prescribed for my extremely painful period cramps apparently have a side effect; excruciatingly painful cramps. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the ovaries with a rusty fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 109

You deserved it 2 440

Today, my mother met my boyfriend. She thought it would be appropriate to tell him that he looks just like my ex-husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 168

You deserved it 2 813

Today, I returned to work after a week off due to severe food poisoning, after which I ended up in the ED. I was given a warning for causing an inconvenience to everyone, and next time I'm going to be sick, I should give 3 days notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 736

You deserved it 115

Today, a woman I didn’t know swung at me in Walmart. After scuffling, security pulled us apart as we waited for the cops. Why? Apparently I ruined her brother’s life and sent him on a “tragic” spiral after I refused to go to a high school dance with him. I have no idea who she’s talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 300

You deserved it 117

Today, I learned that although I’m apparently not qualified to be a department supervisor, I’m entirely qualified to train the person who got the promotion over me, who has never worked in my department before. Boy, do I feel appreciated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 86