By Anonymous

Strange Diet

Today, I woke this morning to my girlfriend asking me how many calories are in her deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1342

You deserved it

179

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There's no helping some people

Suspicious minds

Can't win

By Anonymous - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to explain to my friend that being arrested isn't something a decent person should have on their bucket list. I had to explain this while bailing her out of jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21764

You deserved it

2413

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By Hannah - Ireland

Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17173

You deserved it

33585

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By Robyn_mori - Canada

The difference

Today, I was shopping for socks and I went to look in the men's section. Dad said: "You don't want those, they are for men." I asked what the difference was? He looked around, and then leaned in and whispered: "Men have a penis!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1819

You deserved it

454

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By Pukey - United States

Today, my older brother puked in the sound hole of my sister's guitar. He blamed it on me, and in revenge my sister beat me with the guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30521

You deserved it

2182

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By jjcod - United Kingdom - London

Today, freshly dumped and at a bar, I focussed my attention on trying to stand in such a way that I looked like an attractive, alluring, confident person. Apparently I forgot how to successfully stand upright and sprained my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41197

You deserved it

10166

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By Ixi_the_pixie - United States

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40801

You deserved it

4752

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By dsamanthas - United States - Covina

Today, after being worried for a week because my dog wasn't eating, I paid the vet $120 for her to tell me that my dog doesn't like her dog food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40585

You deserved it

8294

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By pornstorebitch

Knock yourself out, dude

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1660

You deserved it

186

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By stolen-car - United States - Columbia

Today, I finally got enough money to buy the car I wanted for a year now. It was stolen today too. I had my car for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38590

You deserved it

2642

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By HeMayHaveSomeIssues - Denmark

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45216

You deserved it

3645

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By Well, shit - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents forced me to write a thank you letter to my uncle who passed away a week after Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19121

You deserved it

1296

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By brit - United States

Today, the student council gave us our senior class t-shirts. Our theme this year is "Striving for Excellence." Excellence was misspelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27590

You deserved it

2958

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By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

Today, my boss held my hair while I threw up. It's day two on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50047

You deserved it

9018

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By Pusillanimous - United States

Today, I was waiting in line with a friend, and she poked my stomach and said, "I wish I had your stomach." I asked her why. She said, "Boys wouldn't flirt with me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51210

You deserved it

5424

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By 19collegestudentandpregant - United States - Loretto

Today, I found out my parents are divorcing and my mom is moving out. I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Breaking the news should be fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36624

You deserved it

7160

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By Anonymous - United States - New Haven

Today, the new manager at my workplace left early in a panic, exclaiming, "My grandma had an accident! I need to see if she's okay!" I was left in charge of the bar once again. This is the sixth time this week his grandma has had an "accident". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32076

You deserved it

2644

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By mehdi

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

326183

Phew, glad it wasn't me

33654

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By sofakingweetodit - United States

Today, I was shopping for pillows at Bed Bath and Beyond. My husband playfully picked up a pillow pretending to start a pillow fight. I grabbed the largest pillow and chased him with it. When I finally caught up with him, a manager came around the corner. I was escorted out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11623

You deserved it

34622

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By brutality - Canada

Today, I saw a few old co-workers at the bar. They recognized me and started calling me by the nickname they had for me that I was unaware of. It appears I was known as "butch megan" by the entire office for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41844

You deserved it

4096

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, while eating at my college cafeteria, I started thinking about all the awful crap going on in my life right now, and I started sobbing. Some guy at another table started snickering at me, at which point the guy I like said, "Give her a break. If I was as fuck-ugly as her, I'd be crying too." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29667

You deserved it

2686

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By HedgehogFace

Today, my science teacher said I looked like a hedgehog, then had the whole class take a vote. They voted unanimously that yes, I do look like a hedgehog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2826

You deserved it

253

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By miseventshappen - United States

Today, I was at the mall, I saw a girl crying that her ice cream had fallen on the floor. Feeling generous, I bought her a new one. She threw it on the ground, laughed, and came over to her mom and told that I was bothering her, so the mom called security. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41557

You deserved it

4985

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By Anonymous - United States - River Falls

Today, my boyfriend lied about having herpes, and used it as an excuse to dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35097

You deserved it

3309

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By blah blah

Today, I tried convincing my husband to spend his day off work with me because we both work a lot, and have almost no time to spend together. His literal response was, “I’d rather pick a shift up at work.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

2387

You deserved it

247

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By nolove - Australia

Today, the love of my life, and long term partner, sat me down and told me that he feels so comfortable in our relationship that he no longer feels the need to have sex with me, and he doesn't think that that will ever change. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37393

You deserved it

3638

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By Anonymous - United States

Great date, thanks!

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31754

You deserved it

83422

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By dmlk - France

Today, and for the third time this week, my bank manager called me to tell me that my account is still overdrawn. He doesn't seem to understand that my wages always get paid at the end of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22945

You deserved it

5099

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By Lentil - Australia

Today, I went over to my neighbours' to politely complain about their dog, which had been barking non-stop for hours. This issue has been going on for months, and I finally decided today, of all days, was the day to resolve it. When I got there, they'd just got home from giving birth at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26217

You deserved it

3905

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to kiss my girlfriend right as the clock struck midnight for New Year's. She put her hand in front of my mouth, and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50139

You deserved it

3676

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I tried fixing my dad's lawnmower after he said, "Girls can't change a lightbulb right, let alone fix a machine." An hour later, when I had the lawnmower running again, he bitched me out for trying to make him "look stupid." He's been sulking and acting pissy ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57737

You deserved it

5053

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By The Ugly One - United States

Today, my professor was doing roll-call. As usual, she didn't say my name because it's so close to the person before me. So to differentiate, she decided she would call the girl before me "the pretty one". FML

I agree, your life sucks

34128

You deserved it

2570

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11583

You deserved it

1112

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27939

You deserved it

10468

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By aye! - 25/7/2020 02:02

Porque no los dos?

Today, just like every other day, I noticed that one of my male coworkers always stares at me while passing by or when it's time for lunch. I read somewhere that if a person stares at you too long, they either want to have sex with you or want to kill you. He has a girlfriend, so I doubt it's the first option. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1155

You deserved it

277

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By 3sacrowd - Canada

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11825

You deserved it

30112

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By I hate that game - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I was playing monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML

I agree, your life sucks

66186

You deserved it

4857

Favorite

By Kevin - 18/3/2021 21:30

Nutter on the bus

Today, some guy at the bus stop screamed at me because the bus was coming and I wasn’t wearing my mask. I was standing 25 feet from the stop finishing a smoke and there was no one around me. When I sat down on the bus, with my mask on, he stared me down the whole ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks

823

You deserved it

147

Favorite

By MothmanKirbaby - 10/4/2021 14:00

Awkward pause

Today, a close friend called me to inform me of his newest relationship, and why he's kept it from me - he's been seeing his male cousin for several months and was tired of hiding it from the world. I had to keep my shock in check over the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

743

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous

Outdoorsy romance

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1657

You deserved it

645

Favorite

By Scarlett - Canada - Barrie

Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage. Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis. She won't stop asking about the "hotdog" in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37687

You deserved it

3583

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Top comments

By hamburgerjung | 23

#7851950 - Thursday 17 October 2019 18:40

Well I‘ve heard, that Deodorants have NEGATIVE calories and of you inhale enough of it at once you‘ll never gain a pound again^^

By RichardPencil | 30

#7851958 - Thursday 17 October 2019 19:21

"5 calories per serving and 1000% of the USRDA of Aluminum."

And go back to sleep.

COMMENTS

By hamburgerjung | 23

#7851950 - Thursday 17 October 2019 18:40

Well I‘ve heard, that Deodorants have NEGATIVE calories and of you inhale enough of it at once you‘ll never gain a pound again^^

By RichardPencil | 30

#7851958 - Thursday 17 October 2019 19:21

"5 calories per serving and 1000% of the USRDA of Aluminum."

And go back to sleep.

By Wadlaen | 19

#7851999 - Thursday 17 October 2019 22:53

I'd tell her to use bubble gum or mouth water instead...

By distortedcognition | 17

#7852036 - Friday 18 October 2019 1:59

Does she eat lead paint chips too?

By Snailfarts | 27

#7852241 - Friday 18 October 2019 19:45

if your girlfriend is worried about absorbing calories through her skin, she may have an eating disorder