By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 04:02 - Australia - Lakes Entrance

Work sucks, I know

Today, I returned to work after a week off due to severe food poisoning, after which I ended up in the ED. I was given a warning for causing an inconvenience to everyone, and next time I'm going to be sick, I should give 3 days notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1581

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Triage

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Intense

By Spudzy - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I tried hitting on the new receptionist at work. After a few flirtatious comments and subtly hinting that I thought she was bangable, she informed me that she's married to our boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9404

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44732

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By familydisaster - United States

OK Shaggy

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52483

You deserved it

2502

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By Anonymous - United States - Surprise

Today, less than a week after ranting to my husband about how sick some people are to sexualize characters from kids' TV shows, I looked through his browser history and found out he's very much into Powerpuff Girls porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45863

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9087

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By cstokes - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34198

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3416

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By Broke - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48887

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4108

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to my crush on MSN. She was telling me how her friend had passed away recently. I had two chats open and accidentally replied, "That's hilarious." FML

I agree, your life sucks

19543

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40081

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By Cheated - Canada

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60170

You deserved it

4537

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By ViviMage

Today, I was nearly T-Boned at a stop sign by my ex-roommate. I moved 10 miles away to get away from her after her midlife crisis, and her losing the house, and now avoid her end of town. She now works outside my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1684

You deserved it

115

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By Wraith - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40605

You deserved it

4771

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By escortedout - United States

Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6113

You deserved it

47131

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By heyyoitsapotato - United States

Today, while working as a lifeguard, a kid took a dump in the pool. When I told everyone to clear the pool so we could clean it, another kid promptly stared at me, stood at the shallow end right where I was standing, pulled down his trunks, and peed on my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50014

You deserved it

3286

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By Anonymous

You idiot!

Today, I didn't want to hang out with my girlfriend so I could binge watch Pawn Stars instead. When she asked me why not, I lied not very convincingly and said my mom was sick and needed my help. She now thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

439

You deserved it

2836

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By Moosh - Australia

Today, my stepdad did a crap in the shape of the number 2, took a picture of it and showed it to all my friends at my party, while we were eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35834

You deserved it

4073

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By BryanTazed - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22590

You deserved it

6620

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By Anonymous

Poisoned chalice

Today, I inherited a lot of money from a great aunt that I had forgotten about. Her immediate family are all scumbags who were only after her money, so she willed it to me and my mom to say "fuck you" to them from beyond the grave. Now I keep getting threatening phone calls. Thanks auntie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1923

You deserved it

420

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By constipated

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4254

You deserved it

425

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By erinbarto

Soon.

Today, I listened to my mom having a conversation with my dog, asking him if he ate my hamster. My hamster isn't even dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1291

You deserved it

114

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By retail can shart a cock - United States

Today, a customer's credit card was declined. His totally reasonable reaction was to threaten to put a bullet in the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22771

You deserved it

1293

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2020 07:58 - United States - Greensburg

Stuck on amber

Today, my wife and mother of my kids said she doesn't want sex. Or a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1129

You deserved it

166

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By sigh - United States

Today, my boyfriend showed his mother photos of me. He told her that he thinks I'm pretty. She said that I look like a celebrity from her country (Korea). Flattered, I online searched this celebrity, and turns out she is a local porn star who's undergone multiple cosmetic surgeries. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26585

You deserved it

2489

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By Useless training - United States - Saint Charles

Today, we finished a sit-up test at school. I had been training for the athletic tests, so I was proud of my score. When someone asked what I got and I shared, proud, they responded with, "I bet it helps that your fat bounces you back up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47622

You deserved it

4731

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, after five long years of having been together, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to take our relationship to the "next level". We now have a Sims relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33659

You deserved it

4952

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By yeueid - Estonia

Today, I found out that whenever I text my boyfriend something cute, he texts his friends and asks what to say in his reply. Basically, I've been talking to his friends all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19428

You deserved it

1721

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By Stalked - Czech Republic - Brno

Today, I found a love letter in my mail. It was from a girl I met at a bar few weeks ago. I never gave her my address or last name. I guess I have a stalker now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15030

You deserved it

1560

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47434

You deserved it

5848

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By Angelthecat

Now listen here, you lot…

Today, I sent out a Happy Snow Day text to 20 of my closest friends. My boyfriend, who doesn't have an iPhone, didn't realize it was a group text. He sent back a text breaking up with me. To all the people in the group message. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1807

You deserved it

210

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By Foreveralone - United States

Today, my coworker was talking to me about how there's always that one person in a group of friends that everyone secretly dislikes and laughs at. I realized that person is me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26925

You deserved it

2974

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By theotherotherguy - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22776

You deserved it

1841

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By Anonycunt - Germany - Bonn

Today, I went on a blind date that my friends set up. Not only did my date visibly recoil at the sight of me, she ended up trying to convince me that we're actually cousins. When I told her how absurd that was, she muttered "Fuck it" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49215

You deserved it

3984

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By GuiltByTenuousAssociation - United States

Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41299

You deserved it

2812

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By Anonymous

Cheater

Today, as I was finalizing my divorce with my soon to be ex-wife, she thought it would be a good idea to bring our two children to the divorce court. Before custody was put in place my ex-wife gave them both a piece of candy and promised them a trip to Disneyland they chose her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2599

You deserved it

206

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By EpicFail - United States

Today, in class, I volunteered to read a poem out loud. I accidentally said "circumcised" instead of "circumscribed". I don't think I"ll be volunteering to read anything more. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20010

You deserved it

4494

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26070

You deserved it

1760

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By ForeverAlone - United States - O Fallon

Today, my boyfriend of a year and a half left me for another girl. Who was the only person who cared enough to comfort me? The girl he left me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39828

You deserved it

2787

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2021 05:01 - Canada

That's… a crime?

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that I see a therapist every week because, amongst other things, I'm terrified of being locked in a room. He didn't believe me, so he locked me in the bathroom "for a laugh." I had a panic attack and passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1602

You deserved it

104

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By courtbabbbby - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

I agree, your life sucks

12707

You deserved it

43662

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint John

Today, after ignoring my concerns and declaring that "safety equipment's for pussies", my husband went rock climbing for the first time. He only sprained his ankle, but is acting like it's broken. He's now playing video games in bed and pissing in a bucket because walking is "too painful". FML

I agree, your life sucks

45107

You deserved it

4910

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27260

You deserved it

15804

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By MoreActionThanMe - United States

Today, my dog did something I had no idea he could do. He participated in an all-male three-way at the dog park. In front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27861

You deserved it

2799

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By maximus - United States

Today, I was in the line at Chipotle and noticed a very attractive lady in her mid 20's. I deliberately took the table next to her and her friend and happened to overhear what they were talking about. They were both discussing how much diarrhea they were going to have when they got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10203

You deserved it

31085

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Top comments

By B00K_L0V3R93 | 31

#7933644 - Tuesday 25 August 2020 0:34

ED stands for Emergency Department. They were in the hospital. I honestly can’t tell
if are trying to be funny (which is wasn’t) or just wilfully ignorant and can’t read contextual clues.

By alex_jaguara | 29

#7933591 - Monday 24 August 2020 20:30

You can pull that off: "Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick ' blergh'!"

COMMENTS

By alex_jaguara | 29

#7933591 - Monday 24 August 2020 20:30

You can pull that off: "Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick ' blergh'!"

By RichardPencil | 30

#7933617 - Monday 24 August 2020 22:15

ED?

I guess food poisoning could cause Erectile Dysfunction (ED), but why tell us?

Plus, you're female. Do we really need to know that your nipples don't get hard? Just rub some Viagra on them, I guess.

B00K_L0V3R93 | 31

#7933644 - Tuesday 25 August 2020 0:34

ED stands for Emergency Department. They were in the hospital. I honestly can’t tell
if are trying to be funny (which is wasn’t) or just wilfully ignorant and can’t read contextual clues.

RichardPencil | 30

#7933645 - Tuesday 25 August 2020 0:37

We call it ER here (emergency room).

It was hilarious.

s_ve | 7

#7933675 - Tuesday 25 August 2020 6:21

Relax cranky

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7933670 - Tuesday 25 August 2020 5:28

Yea, I had a boss tell me I needed to give 30 days advance notice for bereavement. Let your boss know you plan to have the flu sometime next week. When it doesn't happen, make sure he rewards you for your commitment to your team.