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By unemployed-dude - 08/12/2015 06:17 - Australia - Vermont

Today, I got fired from my job because I closed the store 84 seconds early. They found out because the state manager was sitting across the street with binoculars watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 417

You deserved it 3 885

Classy dude

By tw@ - 28/09/2014 15:30 - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 935

You deserved it 4 892

By scaredshitless - 10/04/2019 18:00

Today, at 2:30am, I heard my baby crying on the monitor. As I got out of bed, she stopped crying and started laughing. There's nobody else in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 098

You deserved it 254

By Anonymous - 08/04/2017 12:00

Today, I was cleaning the litter box and found a large clump. I later found my 3-year-old peeing there instead of in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 768

You deserved it 610

By cutsiecurliee - 05/11/2015 19:21 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking my dog when I saw a man trying to get a screaming little girl into a van. I called 911 and ran over yelling at him. His wife then got out of the van and explained the girl was their daughter and they were just trying to make her go to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 566

You deserved it 4 273

cutsiecurliee tells us more.

cutsiecurliee 21

Saturday 7 November 2015 3:31

Hey guys OP here! I asked the little girl if that was her parents and she nodded but 911 told me they were still sending an officer to be 100% sure that everything was accurate. The parents completely understood and were totally fine because they were glad I cared and took action. :)

Bridezilla

By NotBridezilla - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, after waiting 3 months until my friend's wedding was done being celebrated, I announced my engagement. My newlywed friend bitched me out for "stealing" all of the attention and being selfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 455

You deserved it 898

Nice to know

By LyricalTragedy - 16/12/2016 00:08

Today, I saw my father for the first time in two years. He felt compelled to tell me about how he got involved with a BDSM group and got an STD because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 125

You deserved it 746

By LovelessNewlywed - 14/12/2016 22:41

Today, for the first time since my partner moved in with me, I did one of my favourite things: I bought some nice cheese and a bottle of wine and went on to People of Walmart, just as I do every month or so. He called me a disgusting human being and went for a walk two hours ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 167

You deserved it 2 095

By dramaqueen15 - 16/10/2015 02:38

Today, I was working out in the gym when a fitness trainer came up to me and said it wasn't safe to be exercising while this far along in a pregnancy. I was too ashamed to tell them that I'm not pregnant, so I went along with it. Time to find a new gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 210

You deserved it 4 207

Bathroom blues

By Dear God Why - 05/12/2016 13:07

Today, I finally determined the source of the horrible smell that periodically invades my apartment: there's nothing wrong with the plumbing as I previously thought, I can just smell my neighbors pooping in their bathroom on the other side of the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 427

You deserved it 724

By badatlove - 03/11/2016 20:42 - United States

Today, I climbed to the top of the tallest building in my city with this guy I really like. He spotted the girl he had a crush on, and wouldn't shut up about her for the rest of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 987

You deserved it 1 011

By T___T - 12/09/2015 01:54 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 425

You deserved it 2 314

By NotYourFriend - 24/10/2016 19:53

Today, I had to kick my husband's friend out of our house after a week. He left lights on, played video games all day, ate all of our food and laughed when his son hit my dog. He was only invited over for one dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 169

You deserved it 865

By dez - 16/10/2016 05:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 588

You deserved it 1 102

Baller move

By notafan - 07/08/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. This kid in front of me had binoculars and was constantly shouting. Trying to amuse the girl next to me, I leaned over and said, "That kid probably has wet dreams about baseball." She got up and said to the kid, "Come on honey, we're leaving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 579

You deserved it 3 580

By Ihatemyfamily - 05/09/2016 21:46 - United States - Euless

Today, my brother's high school was having a soccer game against mine, and as a sign of good luck, I told him to "break a leg". He broke mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 418

You deserved it 1 340

Change the locks

By Ozzie - 29/09/2017 19:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, my 81-year-old mother threw out the packaging for a 3-day-old $1,700 monitor I was going to return due to a defect. I live in my own home, but she randomly visits to "clean up" without asking me. Now I'm stuck with an expensive, defective monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 634

You deserved it 701

Criminal Minds

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 676

You deserved it 133

Embarrassing.

By DanielleinDC - 27/10/2017 04:53 - United States - Washington

Today, I slipped and fell while shopping at a local grocery store. I slipped and fell in the same store last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 048

You deserved it 760

DanielleinDC tells us more.

DanielleinDC 33

Sunday 22 October 2017 17:10

To add context: You enter through a street-level foyer of sorts, and you can take an elevator or the stairs to get to the shopping area. So the first time, I slipped on some water at the top of those stairs. The second time, I was walking through the produce section and slipped on a grape on the floor. I gotta say, I'm a bit surprised and pleased to finally have one published. And, no, I wasn't hurt; I was just a bit shaken up. In fact, when I slipped and fell the second time, I thought, not again! And one reason I keep going is it's a five-minute walk from my apartment.

By Jota - 23/10/2017 19:00

Today, I was doing a job interview on Skype when my roommate decided to reboot the wireless router because "the internet was too slow". The interviewer didn't bother calling again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 273

You deserved it 395

By Rainydaze - 10/11/2017 20:00 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, the guy I hooked up with last summer who was "going through a divorce" welcomed his new baby with his loving wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 217

You deserved it 1 874

By jp_boards - 12/12/2017 14:58

Today, I went to the emergency room for a broken collarbone. This wouldn’t be so bad if my parents hadn’t paid $20,000 for me to go to a snowboarding academy all winter. Today was day one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 366

You deserved it 988

Know your place

By slingerslasher - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - New York

Today, I was using the short urinal when I heard someone say, "Ahem!" in a loud voice. I looked back to see an angry little kid. He made me switch urinals so he could use the short one. I got urinal-evicted by a little boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 614

You deserved it 7 423

By sexyfreak2510 - 03/09/2009 06:47 - South Africa

Today, at my bachelorette party, I got so wasted, I ended up giving my stripper a lap dance because he "wasn't doing it properly". There's photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 311

You deserved it 51 927

Barf

By epicfailureismyl - 05/04/2018 15:00

Today, whilst driving, I had the sudden urge to vomit. As I pulled over I wound my window down, stuck my head out, and emptied my stomach. At least I would have if I had wound down the driver's window instead of the back window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 553

You deserved it 954

By Anonymous - 15/05/2018 01:30

Today, I really had to pee at work and rushed to the urinal. I unzipped but couldn't find the hole in the front of my boxers and ended up pissing my pants. I had put my boxers on backwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 472

You deserved it 3 734

By budgetboss - 08/06/2018 18:30 - United States - Granbury

Today, I got a call that my custom order bridesmaid dress is at the apartment complex I just moved out of. They won’t give it to me because I’m no longer a resident, but they just thought I should know. The wedding’s tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 432

You deserved it 397

By JustTheWife - 12/05/2016 17:24 - Denmark

Today, my husband and I got into a huge fight about his ex-fiancée, after I found out he's been confessing his love to her behind my back. Our fight ended with him yelling that yes, she's the love of his life, "But I still married you, didn't I?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 014

You deserved it 1 993

By SorrowsReward - 06/05/2016 11:08 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I was so exhausted that I took a quick nap on the floor of my classroom during one of my free periods. I must have turned off the alarm I set, because I was gently woken up to the giggles of a whole class of students. To make matters worse, I was lying in a big puddle of my own drool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 075

You deserved it 3 515

SorrowsReward tells us more.

SorrowsReward 27

Saturday 7 May 2016 18:12

hey FML legends! OP here. It's true. I fell asleep on my classroom floor... It's a beautiful classroom (which I keep very clean #26) and there are three steps going up onto a carpeted platform which was the scene of this particular crime... It wasn't a particularly comfortable nap, but I hardly noticed at the time. And it certainly was worth it - even considering the slightly-above-average levels of embarrassment I endured for it - I was so tired I was in that state that everything was funny except for my actual existence, which isn't exactly the best mindset to be mounding young minds from... I really should stop burning the candle from both ends! It's an all-girls school, and word spread pretty quickly... but luckily for me I was already regarded as the eccentric music teacher, so sleeping in my empty classroom during a free period is pretty tame in comparison to the things they probably expect from me ?