The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Today, I realized how alone I truly was when I caught myself talking to a podcast. FML

She's lost control again

Today, I had an unexpected sneezing fit and drove my car through 2 trees and a fence. FML

It's a gas gas gas

Today, it took a whole year to convince my girlfriend to sleep in the same bed as me, because she was afraid she’d fart. Every time, I assured her she was just being paranoid. Turns out, she farts more than anyone I’ve ever slept with. Combined. FML

RIP MIL

Today, my mother-in-law died but my husband still insists that we go on our family spring break vacation. I don't want to because I loved my MIL and our kids are absolutely distraught and don't want to go anymore, plus we would miss the funeral if we went. But he refuses to cancel or postpone. He's being selfish. FML

The cost of living (comfortably)

Today, I woke up with a bad headache yet again. I've tried changing pillows, mattresses, lifestyle changes, gotten massages, been to different doctors, gotten MRIs, been to a chiropractor and theaphysio. The only thing that worked was the physio, but my circumstances changed and I can no longer afford it. FML

Not likely in 2020

Today, I’m stuck not being able to sleep, because the thought of someone actually caring about me occurred. FML

Anger management issues, sir?

Today, I yelled at my girlfriend because I thought she'd thrown away an important form I needed to fill out. I found it a few minutes later, just stuck to the back of another piece of paper. After apologizing for getting mad, all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML

Things can only get better

Today, I felt so rejected by my wife that I can't help myself but feel like shit. She has bipolar, is on medication, yet she makes me feel so little that emotionally and physically that I've started to feel like a failure. No intimacy, shitty behaviour, complaining all the time. Man, I wish I could end it all. FML

Sleeping In

I'll never leave this bed!

Baseless accusation!

Today, I threw up due to food poisoning. Despite my fever and pain, my wife is completely convinced it was from secretly drinking, and I am now "PERMANENTLY FORBIDDEN" from drinking anything alcoholic. FML

Divorced dad energy

Today, I had to purchase an app to communicate with my ex-wife. She's too stupid to figure out how to unblock me in Hotmail so we can coordinate kid schedules. She is a control freak and regularly blocks/unblocks me depending on the time of the month. FML

Horny horny horny

Today, I’m so desperate I hooked up with a guy who has Covid. FML

Link?

Today, while sprinting, I tripped, fell, and somehow managed to kick myself in the balls. Legs shouldn’t bend like that and I’m frankly amazed I didn’t break my knee. My wife got the whole thing on video too. FML

The agony and the ecstasy

Today, I got home from my vacation. The last few days of my trip, I stayed at my father's house. I was having trouble sleeping last night so I decided to use a little "discreet" vibrator that I travel with. When I unpacked back home, I realized I'd forgotten the vibrator in my bed at my father's house. I'm mortified. FML

Alexa, play "Poptones" by PIL

Today, for the first time in years, I heard a certain song on the radio. The song that was playing while I was sexually assaulted. It caused me to have such a bad PTSD episode that I threw up all over my boyfriend and his car. FML

Family man

Today, my parents disowned me because I threw out my wife and son after I found out that the kid wasn't mine. According to them, I'm a "heartless asshole." FML

The cringe is real

Today, I was excited for my very first oral sex session. Didn't imagine that the guy would bite everywhere like a beaver trying to be sexy and leave without even cuddling. Definitely didn't match the long sexts. FML

Back to the 9 to 5

Today, I got the biopsy results from a weird mole I had removed. It's completely harmless, and I have nothing to worry about. My first reaction was disappointment, because I'll have to keep going to work instead of starting cancer treatment. FML

Occam's razor

Today, I had a seizure, and as they were loading me into the ambulance, drooling on myself, I clearly heard my mother ask the ambulance crew if they’d mind swinging by the church on the way to the hospital, you know, in case it turns out I’m not sick, just possessed by the devil. FML

Hassle

Today, my son was talking about his upcoming wedding like it’s a disease he got diagnosed with, like, “Yeah, I got this wedding thing” or “Man, it’s gonna be hard to get through” and my favourite “A pain in the ass, I wouldn’t with this shit on anyone.” I feel so sorry for his fiancé, poor girl. FML

Opt out

Today, on our first wedding anniversary, my husband confessed that he had tried to leave me at the altar and only went through with it due to my dad, brothers, whiskey, and drowsy cold medicine, but now tat he’s given it the old college try and lasted a whole year, he wants a divorce. FML

Stay at home

Today, after I bought a ticket to Colombia back in April this year to travel in December. I was waiting for my passport to get mailed. My flight was on December 17; I received my passport on December 19. FML

Master manipulator

Today, my ex dropped our son off at the same time as I was having my women's support group. I've spent months telling them what a manipulative bastard he is, yet within minutes he had them so enthralled, I somehow became the bitch ex-wife, over-exaggerating about him because I'm bitter, and should "be nicer" to him. FML

Relatable, unfortunately

Today, I realized that I'm at the age that whenever I mention a friend of the opposite gender, my family's first response is asking whether that friend is single. I've already accepted no one will want a pathetic freak like me, so their poking around what few friends I have makes it awkward. FML

Physical reaction

Today, I woke up from surgery with nurses all giggling at me. I asked them what was wrong, and apparently I’m now famous as the guy who kept getting boners every 10 minutes, until finally the surgeon used surgical tape to stick it to my thigh to keep it out out of his way. FML

Nice try, Susan

Today, my estranged wife threatened to slit her wrist with a razor blade if I did not send her $50,000. She sent me a picture of her pressing a Gillette Safety razor to her wrist. It looked like she was getting ready to shave her perpetually hairy arms. She never was the sharpest knife in the drawer. FML

Leaked internals

Today, my anus has given up the ghost. Now if I vomit, have a violent coughing fit, or orgasm too intensely, I will shit myself. Even if I have absolutely no gas or need to go. I'm scared to leave the toilet. FML

Family matters

Today, like every other day, my dad thinks my sister is autistic and needs therapy. He wants me to think that too. I'm pretty sure she is just introverted and hates our family. I wonder why. FML

Doofus

Today, I discovered that the father of my son cheated on me, but with fake sex bots that pretend to be real people. I don’t know whether I’m more disappointed in him cheating, or the fact that he couldn’t even get it right. FML

Mystery

Today, we're in the middle of a contagious deadly pandemic, and despite not having physical/sexual contact with anyone in over a year, I managed to contract herpes. I don't even know how I got it. FML