Sleeping In

Today, I bought my girlfriend an iPhone. I preloaded it with a bunch of cool apps and stuff and spent a lot and money. She used it to send a text to me 3 hours later saying that she thought we should break up. FML

Serious times

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Get me away from here, I'm dying

By aasatt22 - 8/6/2009 06:05 - United States

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Today, I actually resorted to checking the newspaper obituaries to see where the deceased were employed, just so I can find a job opening. FML

By Anonymous - 30/6/2011 17:44 - United States

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Today, I was presented with a bill for $27,601 by my single, alcoholic, deadbeat father. Why? "For having to raise your goddamn lazy ass." FML

By bigbill - 3/8/2011 04:45 - Canada

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Today, I was woken up from a nap by my cat attacking my face. Evidently, my husband thought it would be funny to shine a laser pointer on my cheek. FML

By Zamaria - 2/10/2009 22:23 - France

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Today, my engagement ring was seized by the police, and my fiancé was arrested on larceny charges. Both in the same visit. FML

By madison77 - 21/11/2011 23:26 - United States

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Today, I was playing tug of war with my dog. She let go and I ended up punching myself in the mouth. My lip is still swollen. FML

By Anonymous - 8/2/2017 04:00 - United States - Tucson

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Today, I was in a Zumba class with a young woman in her 20s and an older woman in her 80s. I couldn't keep up with either one of them. FML

By Username - 28/1/2012 19:47 - United States

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Today, after much dieting and exercise, I can proudly say that my love handles are now bigger than my ass. FML

By box butt - 7/3/2017 00:00

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Today, I realized that I get turned on by my girlfriend's perfume. My mother started using the same one. FML

By nooneinparticular - 21/5/2020 08:00

Fragrant

1567

147

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

By ohsugarxo - 31/8/2009 17:21 - United States

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Today, my cat went into labor. This is surprising since 6 years ago, we paid to have her spayed. FML

By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 01:34 - United States - Springville

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Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML

By anditburnsburnsburns - 27/8/2013 18:13 - United States - Midlothian

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Today, I found out my father didn't have a rare brain disease, and that he was just an alcoholic. I've been taking care of him every time his "brain disease" acts up, for 2 years. FML

By blah - 19/1/2016 20:53 - United States - Frisco

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Today, I was engaged in intercourse with my fiancée when her dog decided take a loud dump in front of the fan that was pointed at us. Needless to say, intercourse ended very abruptly. FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 06:00

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306

Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML

By KismetSiren - 23/11/2016 10:30 - United States - Hoffman Forest

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648

Today, after finishing a huge French essay, I realized my printer wasn't working. So, I emailed it to a guy in my class to print and then give to me. When I get to French, he said he had already turned his in early and never got my email. It turned out he used mine. I got an F on the essay. FML

By lauren555 - 27/3/2009 03:38 - United States

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Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML

By carson28 - 17/12/2010 02:23 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings. I promised that I would stay committed to him and that he was the only one for me. He promised that he would stop seeing other woman behind my back. He wasn't kidding. FML

By Shocked - 17/7/2009 19:24 - United States

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Today, I asked my fiancé what he liked most about being in a relationship with me. His answer? "I can watch your boobs without being called a perv." FML

By redlips - 9/11/2010 18:06 - Japan

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Today, at my wedding, my husband stood up to give a speech. It started out beautiful, until he told everyone how he started to fall in love with me after I blew him on our first date. FML

By Sue Ellen - 21/4/2014 15:43 - United States - Providence

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Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

By girlshavepenises - 28/6/2011 06:39 - New Zealand

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Today, I asked the girl I like to send me 'yummy pictures.' I got a picture of cheesecake. FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2011 06:29 - United States

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Today, I'm a janitor at a middle school. Someone took a poo and placed it on the sink. FML

By Crapper. - 16/9/2016 20:35 - United States - Fayetteville

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Today, a five year old that I am babysitting picked up a knife and said he would chop my nuts off if I didn't give him his ice cream before dinner. Only 5 more hours to go. FML

By thatoneguy - 5/9/2011 20:23 - United States

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Today, I overheard my dad telling my mum that the only way I'm ever going to get into a relationship is if I "pose as a woman and con some gullible bastard online." He's probably right. FML

By cheerbabeXoXo - 29/6/2013 21:49 - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

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Today, at the cinema, I sat next to a guy who couldn’t stand a minute without laughing or making comments about the film. FML

By Cyberdeeder - 13/10/2008 08:19

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Today, my cousin left her undisciplined demon-child at my house for Christmas. This child destroyed the other children's gifts and made so much noise that the neighbors called the police. The adults can't really discipline her while her mother is away, so all we can do is apologize in this child's wake. FML

By ChildhoodTerror - 26/12/2016 06:40

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Today, my mom visited. While she was using the bathroom, my man-child of a husband thought it would be funny to knock on the bathroom door with his penis, thinking it was me in there. She opened the door to find him standing there doing the "helicopter". FML

By LadyLola - 25/11/2013 05:22 - United States - Dayton

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Today, I attended the funeral of a close friend. Most of the other guests were openly grinning and joking around, and the guy in front of me kept muttering "that's what she said" during the eulogy. FML

By fuck people - 2/8/2013 20:58 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, when I tried to break up with my girlfriend of 2 years, she had no idea we were even dating. She thought of all the movies, dinners and "sleep overs" I had with her was because we were such great friends. FML

By K.S.S. - 17/4/2016 02:24 - United States - Rushville

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Today, I heard a rumor about myself going around my high school that I am pregnant, I've dropped out of school, and that my belly is showing. I'm not actually pregnant. I've been severely depressed, so I've missed a few days of school and I've been eating too much apparently. FML

By mainey92 - 25/2/2010 05:30 - United States

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Today, I went to the store to pick up some tampons. After waiting in line for about 10 minutes, the male cashier looked at me when I was leaving and said, "Have a nice... week!" FML

By sarah - 19/10/2011 19:36 - United States

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Today, I drove 3 hours to get to a class, just to have the professor leave a note on the classroom door saying that she wasn't coming. FML

By Anonymous - 4/9/2019 16:03

Driven

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100

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

By pmony - 2/2/2012 02:48 - United States

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Today, I was out shopping, when I noticed a teenage girl with a double stroller picking up a pack of condoms. I couldn't help but mutter that it was a little late for those. A guy who must have been her boyfriend then stormed over and beat the shit out of me. FML

By killmenow - 10/9/2012 17:52 - United States - Seattle

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Today, I learned that I'm in that special kind of relationship where my ex thinks we're still married, no matter how many times I tell him that we were divorced over a year ago. FML

By ssenmodnaR - 27/7/2016 16:30

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Today, I finally thought that my mother was okay with me being a lesbian. Then, over dinner, she turns to me and says "So, do you still think you like girls, or are you going to start being normal again?" FML

By shouldhaveknown - 26/6/2009 14:22 - Australia

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Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

By madelynn - 31/1/2011 02:03 - United States

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Today, in an attempt to lower my stress and anxiety, I tried out an anti-stress coloring page on my phone. I couldn't get the color to evenly fill inside the lines and it stressed me out even more, to the point where I started crying at work. FML

By coloring is not for me - 10/11/2015 05:52 - United States

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Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML

By CALIdime_15 - 5/5/2012 05:42 - United States

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