By Anonymous - 30/12/2020 13:58 - United States - Pittsburgh

Relatable, unfortunately

Today, I realized that I'm at the age that whenever I mention a friend of the opposite gender, my family's first response is asking whether that friend is single. I've already accepted no one will want a pathetic freak like me, so their poking around what few friends I have makes it awkward. FML

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Sorry…

Late term

Walk on the wild side

By what the fuck, mate - Australia

Today, I started working my crappy, minimum-wage retail job at a local electronics store. An hour into my shift, my boss sent me to scrub out a discount bin, after some drunk cunt in his teens staggered into the place yelling, and puked his guts into it. What a life. FML

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By Connor - United States

Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML

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By Ben - 12/11/2020 19:06 - United Kingdom

You learn something new every day

Today, I woke up with a boner and found out that I have retrograde ejaculation. I'm stuck in jail and cant get medication to fix this. FML

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By joi9496

Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

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By uhhh what? - United States - Bellevue

Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML

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By stephiew - United States

Today, I got a nose bleed in the ladies bathroom. An old lady comes out of a stall and says, "Oh, your nose is bleeding. Well I shit my pants. I'm sure it'll come out in the wash." FML

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By arrrrggggghhhh - United States

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

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By brylynn - United States

Today, I fainted during my sister's wedding because my dress was too tight. When I woke up, she slapped me hard across the face. Why? Because I "took all the attention away" from her. FML

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By kylie - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were in my backyard goofing around when he tried to pick me up. He couldn't. I jokingly tried to lift him. I did so without much effort. FML

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By temp

Today, after working my ass off for 2 months, receiving perfect reviews, and going out of my way to take on extra work to get a job offer from the location where I temp, I finally got an offer for a permanent position. Included in the offer was a $3.00 an hour pay cut and no insurance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished moving to my new apartment that is 45 minutes away from my old one because my workplace would be closer. I then get a phone call from my boss telling me that he will transfer me to another workplace (closer to my old apartment). FML

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By This_Is_Me1982 - Canada

Today, I found out that my friend makes more money than I do. She's a high school dropout and working at a retail job at the mall. I went to college for four years to get my job. FML

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By Shinobi_3 - United States

Today, while I was eating, a fly kept pissing me off. After three minutes of it buzzing around, I caught it and killed it. Then, without realizing it, I smeared its guts all over the front of my shirt. FML

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By ryansmithho - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML

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By msnewyearseve - United States

Today, I woke up after a long night of partying. When I went to wash off my face, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My missing tooth was almost enough to make me overlook my black eye. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend's family for the first time. Unfortunately, I have diarrhoea and keep leaving extremely smelly farts around the house. I blame the dog every time, but I think they're catching on. FML

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By LagSwitchFTW - United Kingdom

Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and my friends versus my boyfriend and his buddies. When we won, my boyfriend went mental and said he only lost because of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into my chest. FML

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By silver

Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML

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By birthday girl - United States - Toledo

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

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By Sparks - United States - Taylor

Today, my neighbors threatened to sue me because a six-foot branch fell off one of my trees and into their yard, hitting nothing on the way down. FML

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By thesparrow - United States

Today, the girl whom I have loved for 4 years told me that she loved me too and would like to spend her life with me. This was before she told me that God did not want us to be together. FML

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By NoticeTheLackOfNumbers - United States

Today, I was at the store when I saw that a cart in the checkout line next to me was starting to roll away and the owner hadn't noticed. I tried to help by reaching out to stop the cart from moving, but when the owner saw me with the cart, she began to hit me for trying to steal her purse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, my book bag was so heavy that it set off my car's passenger detection system in the front seat. I had to buckle in my textbooks. FML

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By Anunimos - Romania - Bucharest

Today, I found out my best friend's girlfriend is cheating on him with his own brother. I went over to his place and told him everything while his girlfriend was in the same room. He called me a jealous liar who wanted to break them up, and kicked me out while she looked on, smirking. FML

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By awskme - France

Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfiend of nine months. She's making a lot of noise so I tell her to keep it down and remind her my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later I get a text from my sister saying my parents want to make sure I'm wearing a condom. FML

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By justlittleoldme - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up crying in the middle of a nightmare in which my boyfriend of 8 months shot me through the heart whilst laughing as I screamed 'I Love You'. After I told him about this, he took me into his arms as I cried, stroked my back and said, 'What kind of gun was it?' FML

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By JB - United States - Somerset

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

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By fuck russia and fuck georgia too - Azerbaijan

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Invercargill

Today, during a family reunion, my 89 year-old grandma stood up and drunkenly made a speech about how ashamed I should be of myself for still being single. She then passed out at the table. Half my family got up to help her, the other half whispered in agreement. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today I returned home after a semester at university. I guess I did too good a job of getting into shape as my parents phoned the police, thinking I was a burglar. FML

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By Robert

Today, a judge ruled against me. I filed for divorce because my wife got pregnant even though I had a vasectomy. Apparently, not informing your spouse of a vasectomy is worse than cheating in the eyes of the court. FML

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By BigMoney - United States

Today, behind a cabinet, I found a scratch-off lottery ticket I hadn't scratched yet. After scratching it off, I realized it's a $2,500 winner. The lottery commission won't accept it because they stopped using that game 2 years ago. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML

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By wingless_angel_7 - United States

Today, I was online and I saw a friend that I hadn't talked to in two years come online. I IM'ed him, only for him to respond, "I haven't responded to any messages of yours in over a year. Most people would get the hint." FML

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By Hotdogwater

Today, my neighbour put in a noise complaint against me for being loud at midnight. I was having a coughing fit and couldn't breath. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML

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By notyourcleaner - Malaysia - Puchong

Today, my new roommate puked into the sink and all over the bathroom floor, before passing out on her bed. Apparently, she was awake enough to wash her own face but not clean up her vomit. We share the bathroom. This is the second time already. FML

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By seriously?? - United States

Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

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Top comments

By Charlie Given | 23

#7961096 - Wednesday 30 December 2020 21:02

you're not pathetic and there's nothing wrong with being a freak just find somebody who's interested in the same things you are it may take a little time but they're out there

By WhataStrangeTripThisIs | 18

#7961151 - Thursday 31 December 2020 2:02

You'd be surprised at how many cool "pathetic freaks" are looking for other fellow "pathetic freaks!" I agree, sometimes there's no sense in looking if you're a weirdo. It doesn't make it easy to find the right one. I know all about it. But when you're not looking anymore, sometimes you find someone who is just right!

COMMENTS

By Charlie Given | 23

#7961096 - Wednesday 30 December 2020 21:02

you're not pathetic and there's nothing wrong with being a freak just find somebody who's interested in the same things you are it may take a little time but they're out there

By RichardPencil | 30

#7961103 - Wednesday 30 December 2020 21:25

Aw, chin(s) up. You can always be a friend with benefits or a fuck buddy.

By WhataStrangeTripThisIs | 18

#7961151 - Thursday 31 December 2020 2:02

You'd be surprised at how many cool "pathetic freaks" are looking for other fellow "pathetic freaks!" I agree, sometimes there's no sense in looking if you're a weirdo. It doesn't make it easy to find the right one. I know all about it. But when you're not looking anymore, sometimes you find someone who is just right!