﻿﻿Cat Struggles

Today, my boyfriend called me into the bathroom after he had been in there awhile. I found him with his pants down, looking at a pimple on his butt in the mirror. He asked me for "help". FML

Walk the line

You tried

Mix and match

By Anonymous - United States

30790

4518

Today, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My mom's reaction was, I shit you not, to tell me to "walk it off". FML

By Anonymous - United States - Broken Arrow

32038

2653

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

By CrazzY88s - Ireland

15935

34082

Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML

By DBZ - United States

25614

7509

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

By onlywantuanyway

Double standards

53775

8264

Today, my 70 year-old mother complained about the patio window being dirty. I asked her why she couldn't clean it, or anything else in the house for that matter. I was informed she can't clean windows because she's not left handed. FML

By Anonymous

Sounds reasonable

1540

192

Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML

By nosleeptilpissoff - United States

34325

6368

Today, as I'm pregnant, my mom came over to do some nice things for me, such as clean my kitchen and cook a large pot of my favorite soup. When she left, I took a nap, planning to eat later. I woke up to find my roommates had trashed my kitchen and eaten all my soup. FML

By Anonymous - United States

35445

4422

Today, I live on the second floor and my neighbor from below banged on my door, telling me I sounded like a giant elephant and needed to learn to be quiet. I was eating ice cream in bed. I also live alone. FML

By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 17:02

Everybody needs good neighbours

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107

Today, I was walking my new dog and saw this girl that I've had a crush on for months. When I approached her, I tried to look 'macho' with my dog. However my dog thought it would be more attractive to pee on my leg. FML

By chris - United States

44805

10726

Today, I had my first driving test. The instructor turned out to be the kind of twit who made me do the full 60-minute test, only to tell me afterwards that he was failing me for the only mistake I made less than 2 minutes after the test started. Time wasting tit. FML

By it's called an accelerator, grandma, get your ass in gear - United Kingdom - Leeds

19164

3116

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

43594

3381

Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out, I noticed a bunch of things missing, and a note on my desk saying "shut the f*ck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief. FML

By Username - United States

36980

4277

Today, after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?" FML

By Anonymous - Australia

20449

40770

Today, I drove 2 hours to my sister's wedding, only to find out my invitation was sent to me by mistake. She had me kicked out. FML

By hopeyoushityourintestinesout - United States - Everett

62105

4865

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

By cookie_lover_xx - United States - Chandler

24478

2026

Today, I was at a friend's house; she left the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I'd, "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. I'm a gay guy, and she knows. FML

By Anonymous - 26/3/2021 20:01

Catch 22

961

Today, my friends sat me down and said they were concerned I was self-harming. I don't self-harm, I'm just a massive klutz. They don't believe me, and want me to get professional help. And now, because I found it all so funny, they think I'm mentally unhinged. FML

By Alisha - United Kingdom

33863

4635

Today, my roommates told me they want me to move out of our apartment. We would have never gotten the apartment without my credit score, and most of the furniture is mine. FML

By ididn'tevendoanythingwrong - United States - Tampa

36996

2752

Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML

By cricketeer - United States

52243

6514

Today, I was making myself lunch. I love cooking, and often, I pretend I'm on the Food Network. I started to slice some tomatoes rapidly, which, turns out, was a big mistake; I sliced my thumb open. FML

By PWI_addict - United States

11215

35495

Today, on a road trip my mom got out to walk her dog. Her jar of Marijuana fell out of the car and rolled across the parking lot. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Mom hobbies

1630

274

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

By ThanksDog

13405

1489

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Mount Eliza

43177

4206

Today, I was working in the produce department at my work. A lady came in to return some mangos. I asked her what the problem with the mangoes was. She said she didn't like the way they were talking to her. FML

By HistoryHasEyes - 4/9/2020 23:01

That makes sense

1283

Today, there was this girl in heels running in front of me at school, and she slipped on ice. Trying to be a hero, I dropped my backpack and ran up to help her, but ended up slipping and landing on her leg. As I walked back to my backpack, I found out I dropped my laptop and broke it. FML

By POP101 - Canada

34119

14915

Today, I found out that my Mom had taken out a loan out on my car from the repo man taking my car away. FML

By jonhapimp - United States

31888

2454

Today, my boyfriend threatened to break up with me if I don't satisfy his "needs." By "needs", he means me wearing a diaper during foreplay. FML

By honey, no boo-boo - United States

49943

5535

Today, while as a therapist, a client made an audible fart and pointed out that she had done so. Shortly after, she wrinkled her nose as she savored the odor. She began to discuss her significant trauma issues. Before I could respond, her fart wafted over to me, making any mature response pointless. FML

By Sabre777

1474

133

Today, we had our first rainstorm in weeks. Thirty seconds before it started, my window broke in the "down" position from overuse, since last week the air conditioning in my car gave out. Now I have a hot, wet car. FML

By Anonymous - United States

26312

3165

Today, after dating this girl for 3 months, I finally introduced her to my friends. She looked panicked during the date, and after it she broke up with me. When I asked why, she told me she could try to deal with a black friend, but not with a gay one. I've been dating a moron all this time. FML

By Alien - Switzerland

26000

2616

Today, even though I’m not allowed to be on my phone while on the line at work, I texted an unknown number. My manager looked at her Apple Watch. I'd texted my manager while on the job. FML

By black_pheonix77 - 3/7/2020 02:02

Hi, how are you?

388

2007

Today, I came home after ten hours at work to find my unemployed wife and 4 kids sprawled out watching TV waiting for me to get home and cook for them. I had to wash all the dishes first because they didn't feel like getting up or helping. FML

By justkillm3 - United States

45052

9122

Today, my girlfriend tried explaining a duck flying into our living room and taking a shit everywhere as "paranormal activity". FML

By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

41645

3745

Today, my friend posted my phone number all over the Internet, claiming I was a deranged stalker who prank called her. I was calling from my new number to give it to her. FML

By Emily - United States - Mission Viejo

23085

1979

Today, I was walking down the street, when a car started cruising alongside me. I looked over, annoyed, at which point the driver started screaming obscenities and telling me that I'm "gonna get it" for "betraying" him, before angrily speeding off. I'm too scared to even sleep now. FML

By Saw - United Kingdom

25567

2627

Today, I ordered some food and included a slice of cheesecake. However, I think they glued the Tupperware lid together and I didn't actually want to launch the cheesecake into the air when I finally got it open. FML

By Steven Haga - 23/4/2021 04:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Messy situation

702

108

Today, my dad made me deliver a welcoming cake to our new neighbors. While I was making small-talk, I saw him climb over their backyard fence. A minute later, he climbed back over, with a plastic deck-chair in hand. I feel like an accessory to the pettiest theft in history. FML

By wtf dad - United States

28539

2325

Today, despite putting all the food in the fridge, taking all the rubbish outside, cleaning the house top to bottom and setting up bait, we're still dealing with a bloody huge ant problem. I've now got a rash all over from being bitten while I sleep. FML

By "willkftw"

1874

145

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Still got game

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2128