﻿﻿Cat Struggles

Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I am now his boss. FML

Season finale

Time for the ER

Mr Sensitivity

By Da Boss - 5/10/2016 01:19 - Canada - Calgary

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Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

By Now Single - 3/4/2011 08:06 - Reserved

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Today, as I walked around town I noticed some guys and even a couple of girls checked me out. When I got home later I realized they probably weren't checking me out, so much as wondering why the hell I had thick black eyeliner on only one eye. Oops. FML

By Anonymous - 5/2/2016 19:15 - United States - Easley

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Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Franklin Park

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Today, I learned the hard way that if you tell your child that they're old enough to cook their own food in the microwave, you have to make sure they're smart enough not to put the metal spoon in with the food as well. FML

By Mak10 - 10/12/2010 06:53 - United States

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Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been feeling of pressure in my chest. After running numerous tests, I was told I was perfectly healthy and had nothing to worry about. I made it as far as the front door before I collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

By yourekillingme - 19/2/2016 04:12 - United States - Mission

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Today, I walked in on my boyfriend saying, "I shall be the prince, and you shall be the princess," to his hamster. Once he saw me, he quickly turned to the hamster and said, "I have to go. The dragon is here." FML

By Cheese4men - 14/5/2010 23:28 - Canada

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Today, my Dad and I went to McDonald's, only to have him shove two handfuls of sugar packets into the bag. He said, "If it's for free, why only take one?" To make it worse, my crush was at the till, watching what was happening. FML

By AshamedDaughter - 17/8/2011 07:14 - Canada

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Today, it's April Fool's day. I had to take a CPR class, and everything was going well. We took a break and I went to get a drink of water and started choking. They thought I was making fun of the class, and made me leave. FML

By megan - 1/4/2015 17:56 - United States - Lutz

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Today, the power at work was out. This would be fine, if they didn’t make me stay for another hour to wait for it to come back on in the Texas heat. FML

By boop snoop - 1/9/2019 16:00 - United States

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Today, I brought my girlfriend home for dinner. The first words out of my dad's mouth were apparently, "Ah, you must be Dan's slam-piece." I was in the living room and didn't quite catch it all, but I said, "She certainly is!" Now I'm single, and all my friends think I'm a bastard. FML

By igiveup - 21/6/2012 18:19 - United States

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Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

By blue. - 19/5/2011 23:32

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Today, I walked into what I thought would be a surprise birthday party. It wasn't. It was my parents staging an intervention over my cat obsession. FML

By DM - 4/3/2013 20:02 - United States - Fayville

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Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 01:07 - United States

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Today, I went on a blind date at a local restaurant. When my date walked in, she took one look at me, said "nope", and walked out. FML

By Anonymous - 5/11/2012 19:21 - United Kingdom

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Today, I learned that my mother has been telling people that I need anger management. I'm not attending anger management, I'm attending therapy to aid in my recovery from abusive relationships. She doesn't understand the difference or why I find it upsetting. FML

By thxmom - 4/1/2015 17:25 - United States - West Jordan

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Today, I wrote a 2000 word essay on "Las Vegas - The City That Never Sleeps". I was proud of my work, until someone pointed out that New York is "The City That Never Sleeps", not Vegas. FML

By mmaisie - 1/2/2011 10:35 - United Kingdom

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Today, a shifty customer came in to my store and was hanging around for about 30 minutes. Apparently, he took that time to put religiously-motivated anti-abortion notes into each and every pair of socks. In the following hours, I had 17 angry returns and was personally threatened twice. FML

By socknotes - 9/3/2016 04:02 - Canada - Winnipeg

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Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML

By Rosie - 16/10/2018 12:00

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Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML

By bakedplum - 1/11/2011 17:52 - United States

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Today, my mom called me an asshole. She was embarrassed when she saw that a visiting family member had overheard, and tried to cover it up with, "Honey, you are a casserole! You are just delicious, any guy is gonna want you sweetie!" She honestly thought this would work. FML

By Agirl - 25/10/2012 23:44 - United States - El Cerrito

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Today, I ordered a pizza over the phone from Pizza Hut. I turned at the store and waited for over 25 minutes. When they saw me sitting there for such a long time, they eventually asked what i was waiting for. I'd called the wrong Pizza Hut. FML

By Anonymous - 10/4/2009 15:38 - United States

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Today, I got dumped for the second time by the guy that I'd been seeing. He actually forgot that he'd already dumped me once this week and did it again. FML

By tragic - 29/8/2016 04:51 - United States - Bloomington

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Today, at my strictly Catholic grandmother's funeral, I was made to sit in the row behind the rest of the family, because I was born out of wedlock and wasn't a 'real' member. FML

By Anonymous - 21/2/2011 00:19 - United Kingdom

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Today, while on an airboat exploring the Everglades, my cousin decided it would be funny to push me off the boat. Into water full of alligators. FML

By Anonymous - 27/3/2018 01:30

he ded

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Today, as I was driving, a massive cockroach clicked its way across my windshield. I pulled over to fling it out the window, but it spread its wings and flew around like a hook-armed stabbing machine. I lost it in the dark car and now I can't find it. It's going to be a long drive home. FML

By Baustigt - 6/8/2014 13:34 - Australia

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Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

By damnbananas - 24/1/2011 20:38 - United States

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Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML

By amiadori - 1/5/2009 09:50 - United States

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Today, I went to the bank to make a deposit. While I was waiting on my transaction, the bank tellers were making fun of me. I could tell cause I heard them through the speaker. FML

By Anonymous - 3/11/2011 03:58 - United States

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Today, my mother once again brought up how I would have done so much better in my Track season if I just smiled while I ran. Apparently, if you just smile, your brain won't know you're in pain. I don't think it works like that, but thanks for the advice mom. FML

By fuckingcool - 6/6/2016 04:56

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Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, Religion doesn't pay my car payment. FML

By PrayingForMoney - 25/3/2013 08:48 - United States - Sacramento

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Today, after a trip to the emergency room for severe stomach pain and almost passing out in the shower, I slipped on the wet bathroom floor and broke my two front teeth. FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 12:00

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Today, I told my parents that I was going to stop being so hard on myself all the time. They responded by calling me a narcissist. FML

By unworthyoflove - 9/6/2020 14:07

Parenting 101

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Today, I was having sex and wanted to move to the wall, so I picked her up, got my foot stuck in my blanket, and dropped her on the floor. FML

By Sully - 7/2/2010 00:17 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter. FML

By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 17:43 - United States

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Today, my teacher announced that he'd be out for a week because he was going to Vegas. I happily said, "Woo hoo!" Then he finished his sentence by telling me it was because his dad had died. FML

By Anonymous - 11/2/2015 21:07 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I got my giant Game of Thrones tattoo finished. Despite the fact that I had spelt it out for him, the artist wrote 'You no nothing John Snow'. It's the focal part of the tattoo. FML

By Heknowsnothing - 13/7/2016 21:09 - United Kingdom - London

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Today, I visited my grandparents at their farm. When I went to pee in the outhouse, I noticed a round thing in the middle of the hole, so I peed on it. It was a beehive. FML

By random - 13/5/2013 15:06 - United States

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Today, my 3-year-old daughter asked me to carry her from the car to the house. I asked her for 3 kisses and a hug in return. She said she'd rather walk instead. FML

By kids say the darnedest things - 19/7/2014 02:56 - United States - Denver

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Today, I left home to start my new life at University. Saying goodbye to my mother, the last thing she said to me was "Don't turn gay". I'm gay. FML

By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 09:31 - United Kingdom

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