kids

The wrong sort of lock in

By Anonymous - 10/08/2021 09:59 - South Africa

Today, I gave my 10-month-old the house keys to keep her busy. I locked the burglar gate and left the door open. She can walk, and she threw the keys outside the gate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 214

You deserved it 1 386

Have you ever zapped anyone?

By Attack of the Electric Dad - 19/01/2023 10:00

Today, my dad gathers so much static electricity from almost everything that he does that I've become paranoid and scared to touch him at all. He thinks I hate him now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 657

You deserved it 167

By Anonymous - 14/06/2014 06:42 - Canada - Regina

Today, my older brother managed to convince my younger sister that she's actually a boy, and that she'll soon be getting a penis in the mail, which she excitedly told everyone she could. He convinced me of the exact same thing as well several years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 532

You deserved it 7 066

By nanall - 04/06/2012 07:19 - United States

Today, my 24-year-old brother tried to convince me that Hogwarts is real, because there is no way a person could have written that based on imagination. My parents agreed with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 249

You deserved it 4 510

Tedious

By anon - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got fired from a great babysitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 983

You deserved it 16 391

By Spotted - 18/02/2009 22:09 - Canada

Today, at Church, the little boy sitting behind me asked his mother if I had the chicken pox, because there were red dots all over my face. I've had bad acne since I was twelve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 339

You deserved it 3 977

Classic joke time

By Anonymous - 31/05/2022 02:00

Today, I called my husband asking what kind of flute I'm supposed to pick up for our daughter, as she wants to play an instrument at school. Over the phone, my husband told me, “It’s a skin flute.” The man behind the music store counter wasn't sure how to respond when I told him what I needed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 032

You deserved it 430

Shame! Shame!

By Anonymous - 05/03/2022 12:00

Today, my daughter is so out of touch with anything not related to her phone and her social popularity that she doesn't know who Hitler was. I had to show her on YouTube, and while we aren't religious anymore, we are a Jewish family so this is an extra level of parental shame for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 820

You deserved it 637

By Anonymous - 09/04/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, I had to call AAA because not only did I lock my keys in the car, I also locked in my toddlers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 284

You deserved it 47 612

By todaddy - 23/05/2014 19:32 - United Kingdom

Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 248

You deserved it 4 780

Kids having kids

By disappointed uncle - 01/02/2023 04:00

Today, I offered to help my 15 year-old nephew with taking care of his newborn baby. First thing I see when I enter his room is him playing Mario Kart on his Nintendo Switch, and his child with a full diaper, screaming and crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 318

You deserved it 204

By Anonymous - 05/11/2014 19:52 - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, my mum yelled "Son of a bitch!" as I narrowly beat her at a game of Mario Kart. I jokingly yelled back "Hell yeah I am!" Now I'm grounded for two weeks, birthday included, all because my mum's a sore loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 183

You deserved it 10 241

By Laurel - 25/05/2013 04:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school at which I teach. When my students questioned him about what I was like at home, he told the entire class: "Well, she farts all the time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 932

You deserved it 9 080

Policy of truth

By Lisaaa - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 850

You deserved it 35 104

Family values

By this is impossible - 05/01/2016 00:21 - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 499

You deserved it 2 428

Boing!

By kaytay2469 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while I was working at childcare, I asked a two year-old not to hit. He threw a bucket at me, which bounced off my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 723

You deserved it 4 915

Psycho

By Anonymous - 27/06/2022 04:00 - United States

Today, I came home early to find my (now ex) girlfriend having a screaming argument with my son, because he caught her trying to burn pictures of my late wife. I'm back to being single, but at least I can be proud of my son for standing up to her (he's usually very timid). Can't believe I was dating that psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 533

You deserved it 133

By Evolution mama - 05/02/2014 19:52 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 213

You deserved it 24 288

Fire hasard

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 18:23 - United States - Ridge

Today, I had to take my son to the ER after he badly messed up trying to light his farts on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 654

You deserved it 3 074

By Anonymous - 02/11/2011 20:18 - United States

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 741

You deserved it 5 879

Slice of life

By Anonymous - 07/09/2025 15:00 - Netherlands - Creil

Today, my son was crying because he wanted to listen to a song that he and Daddy listen to. My husband is at work and I can't reach him. I've looked and looked for the song but I can't find it. My husband has such wack taste in music I don't know where to look, and my son is too upset to help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 293

You deserved it 70

Kids will be kids

By Anonymous - 26/04/2022 18:00 - United States

Today, I learned my son has been picking on a girl he has a crush on. He apparently went too far, because she finally snapped and beat him up at recess. The teacher, who knew about this from the beginning and actively did nothing, is trying to throw me under the bus for being oblivious to my son's behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 040

You deserved it 530

Treasure

By AddictiveAddicted - 29/06/2015 02:02 - United States - Denver

Today, I found an unfamiliar ring in my purse. Thinking it was fake, I gave it to a little girl. Thanks to my mother, I later found out that the ring was my grandmother's and it was made of gold and had a real ruby. My mother added that my grandmother trusted me to keep it in our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 169

You deserved it 31 888

By StabStab - 11/01/2015 13:03 - Belgium

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 374

You deserved it 2 970

By loueb17 - 15/02/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 5 year old boy. When I was on the phone with my mom, he called 911 and started to cry. When I got off the phone the police were at the door. It turns out that the "emergency" was that the VCR was not working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 207

You deserved it 9 747

Skillset

By Anonymous - 07/06/2023 00:02

Today, my son has the bizarre ability to remember any movie or series he has ever watched, even from the sounds without seeing the screen. He just identified Jumanji by the sound of Van Pelt's rifle, despite not having watched the movie in years… yet he only passed two GCSEs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 692

You deserved it 214

By Anonymous - 03/10/2016 23:50 - United States - Westerville

Today, the family computer kept overheating. My four-year-old son thought the solution was to pour a nice, cold cup of water on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 042

You deserved it 1 250

Parental disapproval

By Anonymous - 31/10/2023 16:00

Today, my daughter gave me the “but daddy I love him” speech when she turned up to a family event with her boyfriend, who was at least 20 years older than her, was visibly intoxicated, stank of body odour and cigarettes, then tried to flirt with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 516

You deserved it 81

Lesson learned

By Anonymous - 28/04/2023 11:00 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my kid was lying on the floor in Morrisons screaming, no matter what I tried to do, until another mother came, picked him up, and dumped him in the trolley seat. She then looked me up and down and said, “Girl, he’s 4 years-old and 3 feet tall, grow some fucking backbone.” She was so right too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 278

You deserved it 1 756

Primal scream

By lordoftheweird - 31/08/2024 15:00 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, my mom's response to everything is now screaming. Two year-old brother playing quietly? Screaming. Computer freezes? Screaming. Mailman? Screaming. We tried to get her tested but no doctor can stand her for more than ten minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 554

You deserved it 84

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The Top

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 146

You deserved it 5 192

Today, I went to my local library to study. As I settled in, I dropped my water bottle, causing a mini flood. Panicked, I tried to clean it up with paper towels, only to knock over a stack of books, creating a domino effect of chaos. The librarian gave me the dirtiest look. FML

I agree, your life sucks 645

You deserved it 327

Today, I was complaining to my mom about how my sister looked like a barbie doll next to me. I was saying how she was so tan and her hair looked awesome next to mine. She paused for a while and then said "Well you're pretty on the inside." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 461

You deserved it 9 022

Today, after I'd spent $3,000 dollars in preparations to move in with my girlfriend of 2 and 1/2 years, she confessed she's a mental patient who stole someone else's identity. She was telling the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 292

You deserved it 3 816

Today, I realized that at age 54, I'm no longer young enough to go commando anymore. Every time I sneezed today, I peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 756

You deserved it 12 963

Today, I’m a babysitter for a 4 year-old little girl. All afternoon, I attended Barbie’s murder and subsequent funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 92