Kids: Today, I let my sister hold my newborn daughter for the first...

So just to clear things up, my sister isn't super crazy, although I was naturally alarmed. She's a little weird and creepy, and has no filter. Also, this happened a while ago (I had to say today, obviously), it just popped in my head the other day when the same sister told me she's pregnant. She has babysat, and has a step son as well.

Kids

People are people

Living my best life

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

30/03/2012 05:10

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 351

You deserved it 5 107

24/11/2016 00:08

Today, I spent the busiest travel day of the year in the busiest airport in the world trapped between the decision to leave the terminal bathroom or shit my pants. Yes, I missed my flight. Sorry, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 453

You deserved it 915

24/05/2012 07:41

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 219

You deserved it 2 855

28/04/2018 01:30

Today, I spent 900 dollars on a ticket for my boyfriend to visit me and he missed the flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 202

You deserved it 541

08/07/2009 17:51

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 536

You deserved it 12 359

25/05/2013 22:47

Today, my parents decided that since summer is almost here, it's a great opportunity to start having nude barbecues. I found this out after walking out into the backyard, hoping to sun myself a little, only to see the living nightmare that is my parents' naked bodies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 463

You deserved it 4 857

Bad omens all around

By bubble wrapped girl - 13/05/2021 19:01

Today, I got into a accident at the dunes, rolling a Razor buggy. Last weekend, I sleepwalked and microwaved my phone. Last month, I gave myself third degree burns while curling my hair. I need to live in a bubble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 256

Deadly cocktail

By blame the maid - 13/09/2020 17:02

Today, my very sheltered girlfriend decided to surprise me by cleaning our apartment. Although she grew up with housekeepers and maids, I thought it was common knowledge that you don’t try cleaning the bathroom with both bleach and ammonia. We still can’t go back inside our place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 405

You deserved it 125

13/09/2016 19:54

Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 924

You deserved it 2 052

09/01/2010 10:17

Today, I got on a treadmill for the first time. I was running at a very high speed. I needed a break but didn't know how to get off. I decided to just let the machine take me to the edge so I could get off. I was thrown off the treadmill and landed with my happy sacks crashing into a dumbbell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 705

You deserved it 42 314

01/10/2012 21:09

Today, my boyfriend told me that the main reason he was dating me was because he was intimidated by pretty girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 013

You deserved it 2 336

13/11/2008 08:42

Today, my boss said to me: 'You know, our competitors are also hiring!' FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 237

You deserved it 3 030

11/08/2015 04:20

Today, my 82-year-old great grandfather informed me that his "peeter" still works, and that most guys his age can't say the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 586

You deserved it 2 198

18/03/2010 13:49

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had responded to an online missed connection posting. He has been emailing, exchanging pictures and making plans to go out with this girl. We are supposed to be married in the fall and just put down the non-refundable deposit on our reception site. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 542

You deserved it 3 250

07/10/2011 19:32

Today, I got my first job after having spent months looking, and graduating college in the meantime. I got it based on my pre-college qualifications. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 800

You deserved it 3 308

17/02/2017 16:00

Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 734

You deserved it 1 604

18/12/2008 16:30

Today, I am a Frenchie who's been in England for two months. While wanting to say to my technician that my manager made me groan during our meeting, I said that he made me moan. Now he keeps looking at me with a grin on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 936

You deserved it 3 996

Rage Quit

By Redsnation - 08/08/2017 05:02

Today, my older brother said that if he beat me in a game of NBA 2k17, he would get to keep my PS4. I beat him so badly that he got angry and destroyed my PlayStation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 664

You deserved it 502

02/06/2010 02:34

Today, my boyfriend was talking to me on the land line when his cell phone rang. He told me to wait "two seconds" while he talked to a classmate. Their "two second" conversation lasted ten minutes, and now I can hear the French Open on the TV in background. He forgot he was talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 121

You deserved it 4 453

09/08/2011 13:48

Today, my husband declined a $100k/year job due to him thinking that a full time job at one work place would be too 'depressing'. I'm a nurse and have to wipe other people's arses for a living, then come home to this lazy dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 426

You deserved it 8 670

Great boyfriend, part 2

By thanks a lot - 04/05/2020 05:00

Today, my boyfriend made me a latte. It tasted off, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I drank it. Turns out he put laxatives in it as a prank. The idiot couldn’t just use one or two. He used so many that I had to go to the ER for severe dehydration after puking and shitting for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 778

You deserved it 183

26/11/2011 08:16

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because her father, who abandoned her before she was born and just reentered her life, doesn't approve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 441

You deserved it 2 414

15/09/2014 15:51

Today, I babysat a 10 year old from hell. She kept insulting me, saying I have tiny boobs, that boys must hate me, and that I'm ugly. I eventually got fed up and put her to bed. When her parents came back, she ran out of her room in tears and told them I'd beaten her. They believed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 051

You deserved it 2 925

09/09/2009 20:16

Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 850

You deserved it 4 599

25/10/2012 02:44

Today, despite my pain, my mom still refuses to take me to a foot doctor because, "They all have foot fetishes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 433

You deserved it 1 653

13/03/2015 03:55

Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 653

You deserved it 3 528

15/02/2011 15:30

Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 450

You deserved it 43 453

24/06/2009 09:59

Today, I was informed from a fellow employee at a bar that he finally "hit" the boss' wife. I work for my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 164

You deserved it 2 977

13/06/2019 00:30

Today, we went to a nice place by a river to have a BBQ. Someone then asked if we could move the fireplace somewhere else, so we went to check another spot. We came back to find a dog had eaten all the meat we'd brought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 453

You deserved it 844

07/11/2010 04:04

Today, I was mad at my mother. Why? We went to parent-teacher interviews, and she told my math teacher that she should allow bathroom breaks because I have a "very heavy menstrual flow." My teacher suggested I eat more red meat. They got into a seven-minute argument about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 042

You deserved it 2 785

19/01/2013 01:32

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 138

You deserved it 3 810

Time is running out

By teachinginhell - 29/09/2021 08:00

Today, I'm a teacher at a primary school, with 20 schools in their network. A week before end of term assessments, they decided to move assessments a week early to allow them to observe data. I have 2 days to teach 2 chapters or my kids will lose 20% of the paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 81

26/07/2009 13:05

Today, it was my boyfriends birthday and I saw he was logged in on ooVoo. He sent me a request to video chat so I decided to take off all of my clothes to surprise him. Little did I know, his entire family was at his house and at the computer because he, "wanted to show them what a great girlfriend I am." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 088

You deserved it 75 556

25/12/2011 17:07

Today, I couldn't find my phone. Worried that I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, I emptied out all the bins and searched the garbage. An hour later, my daughter said she'd found it by the bathroom sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 981

You deserved it 26 701

03/11/2011 20:06

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 774

You deserved it 4 374

20/03/2012 04:33

Today, I was warning a girl in my art class to be careful with a Stanley knife, as she had managed to cut her finger quite badly. Just as I said it, I sliced my finger open with a Stanley knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 176

You deserved it 10 995

07/10/2015 08:29

Today, my husband is sulking because I wouldn't let him do what he's always wanted to do: throw our cat out the second floor window to see if she would land safely and on all fours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 210

You deserved it 2 544

16/05/2016 21:47

Today, I told my cousin it would be okay if he stayed the weekend after a fight with his wife. He didn't tell me he was bringing his 4 kids. They've watched funny cat videos for hours and they laugh like maniacs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 058

You deserved it 1 334

20/11/2015 19:07

Today, my ex got arrested for stealing. His new girlfriend texted me asking if I could lend her money to bail him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 322

You deserved it 1 954

22/09/2012 21:45

Today, I told my parents that I have a boyfriend. I was answering their questions about him, when my dad cut me off mid-sentence. He accused me of lying through my teeth, and said I'd based him off a character from a Harrison Ford movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 370

You deserved it 3 251

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Top comments

macystar 14

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Friday 15 November 2013 2:54

That's a red flag.

MsConfusedd 27

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Friday 15 November 2013 2:55

Maaaaaayybe you should take the baby back

Comments

macystar 14

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Friday 15 November 2013 2:54

That's a red flag.

SexySlayer1248 18

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Friday 15 November 2013 3:17

In Russia it's always a red flag

michaelaranda 28

Friday 15 November 2013 3:22

no it isn't. I say it all the time to my cousins kid without meaning anything. and I've heard my cousin say that too.

frozenfreeze 5

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Friday 15 November 2013 3:30

No, I'm pretty sure that's not a normal thing to say, even if it is meant jokingly. "I could kill you right now, hahaha" just never has a good ring to it.

kimmpwns 8

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Friday 15 November 2013 3:44

Do you guys know how easy it would be to kill a newborn though? Drop them and splat, just saying. Regardless, I would keep an eye out on your sister. I don't understand why she would say that out loud.

Robbieisadowg 16

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Friday 15 November 2013 3:46

#29 better out loud so OP can keep an eye on her.

Gangsterrface 10

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Friday 15 November 2013 4:11

It really is. That's a creepy thing to say to a child. If I were your cousin, I'd never let you near my child.

Gangsterrface 10

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Friday 15 November 2013 4:15

That was supposed to be to #20

OMG_ZOMBIES 15

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Friday 15 November 2013 6:15

I don't voice it, but I always think it when I hold new babies. It's not that I want to kill the baby, it's that I am amazed at how incredibly tiny and fragile they are. I just think, “This little person grew inside that person. It was squeezed out through a tiny hole. It just got shots and passed around the room like a bottle of tequila. It's a fricking trooper. After all it's been through before it even lived its first day, it could die frighteningly easily and I am holding it."

daniel_dd31 13

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Friday 15 November 2013 8:58

I think the comments in this fml have taught me everyone is secretly a murderer, but just to afraid to go through with it. I don't even think I could trust myself anymore.

CrazyGirlfriend 21

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Friday 15 November 2013 17:31

it all depends on the family and individual. I know plenty of people who have said that to where the parents could hear to purposely freak them out. its funny lol (only when you know the parents really well, otherwise its creepy).

xMnky 8

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Friday 15 November 2013 18:13

So many things wrong with joking about death. Especially with a baby.

MsConfusedd 27

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Friday 15 November 2013 2:55

Maaaaaayybe you should take the baby back

HeyHeyFishFillet 34

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Friday 15 November 2013 3:12

Maybe!? If I was OP I would immediately grab the newborn back while letting out a battle cry, signaling your readiness to defend your child. But that's just me, because I'm a weirdo like that.

mercifulbane 3

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Friday 15 November 2013 4:52

thats when you whisper the same thing to your sister while shes asleep

BoltTheSuperdog 22

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Friday 15 November 2013 9:31

Just a thought...

DooleyFTW 17

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Friday 15 November 2013 2:55

Well.. I hope she doesn't!

emirie 21

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Friday 15 November 2013 7:08

Me too, man.

Ch_rae5 19

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Friday 15 November 2013 8:07

No shit Sherlock..

fylsinceydi 2

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Friday 15 November 2013 2:55

Christmas should be fun

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Friday 15 November 2013 5:40

Why? So she could give the baby to her as a gift? Or what? "Here's that sacrifice you asked for, Jill."

Atgonner 2

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Wednesday 21 May 2014 20:35

Obviously no one understands what the Op is trying to say, usually families get together for x-mas for an extended period of time. Thus being around that phsyco for that much time will keep Op on her toes the whole time.