By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 23:00

They'll have anyone these days

Today, I asked my 18 year-old daughter to buy half a dozen donuts. When she brought them over, I opened the box and discovered the dozen donuts were all cut in half. She just got accepted into a prestigious private university. FML

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Kids

Parenting

Food

Understandable

Messed up

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By Katie - United States

The Bathtub Incident

Today, my little sister took a dump in our bath tub right before we were leaving for soccer practice. When my mom found it, she blamed it on me, then made me pick it up with my bare hands. FML

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By anonymas - Norway

Today, I found out my dad bought an iPhone. I've spent the better part of the last six months teaching him how to check his email and online newspapers. FML

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By PickedOnByDamien - United States - Holyoke

Today, my bully made me cry once again. It's been going on for weeks. I don't know who to turn to; I can't say anything because I'd get into even more trouble. He even stole my Nintendo 3DS and won't give it back. My bully is my girlfriend's son. He's 10. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I convinced my teacher to let me resit a very important test I failed. I got a lower score the second time around. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she'd had a horrible day at work. They showed her my "hysterical" badge picture to cheer her up. FML

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By TacoFail - United States

Today, I went through the Taco Bell drive through. The lady at the window handed me my food and receipt. In a moment of insanity, I threw the receipt at the cashier and yelled "WOOHOO." I attempted to burn rubber and get the hell out of dodge, only to remember my car was in park. FML

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By innocentbarista - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while serving two middle-aged women at the coffee shop, I was screamed at and accused of being a "sexist and chauvinistic bastard." This was prompted by me charging one of them 40 cents for the addition of steamed milk, which is clearly stated on the price sheet. FML

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By whoawhat - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got sexually excited thinking about what kind of donuts I wanted to get in the morning. FML

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By aqua88 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2021 00:30

It's not working out (for us)

Today, I was fired from my job, due to my "performance going down". My performance went down because I can't see due to having a stroke, which management is well aware of. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Bruno

Today, my neighbor showed me footage of my 7-year-old son spraying his beloved rose garden with weed killer. The whole garden is dead as fuck, and I'm now being taken to small claims court. FML

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By nicoleee - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

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By lateralligator - Canada - Whitchurch-stouffville

Today, I took out my old hairdryer and turned it on. I then gave my roommate a show as I ran out of the bathroom, naked and screaming, after a spider was blasted out of the hairdryer and directly at my face. FML

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By wellthen - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was at a rodeo warming up while my mom unnecessarily bragged about my training skills to a client. My horse then threw me into a gate at a full gallop, in front of everyone. That was the first time he'd ever misbehaved. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after begging for over an hour, I had to pay my sister $20 to wax my back for me so my bra would stop painfully pulling at the hair I repulsively seem to be growing there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my first kiss. He had an allergic reaction to my chapstick, and broke out in hives. FML

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By Anonymous

Weird flex, but OK

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

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By great - United States - Porter

Today, the girl I've been seeing for just over a week casually let me know that she'll slash her wrists if I ever leave her. FML

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By :O - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my brother in law brought a dead rabbit to my nephew saying, "I found the Easter Bunny!" My nephew started crying hours ago and hasn't stopped. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2021 04:01 - United States - Weyauwega

Ungeeked

Today, while trying to fix a corrupted USB hard drive with my wife’s computer I accidentally wiped her laptop drive instead of clearing the external drive. I’m not allowed on her computers anymore. FML

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By NotSatan

Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, "Haaaaail Satan!" FML

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By Scarred for life

Frozen

Today, while volunteering at a senior care center, I witnessed a woman begin to remove her trousers. Then she began tearing apart her diaper. She then began to explore her body. I was unable to stop her. FML

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By kattydoo07 - United States

Catch 22

Today, I found out I have a restraining order against me from my ex boyfriend. Apparently, I drive by his house too much and it is considered stalking. He forgot that I live 2 houses down, and MUST drive by his house to get home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Homer Glen

Today, my brother asked me how to block someone on Facebook. Seeing as how my brother never asks me for anything, I took this opportunity to help him. He then blocked me. FML

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By bigdikbubls - 1/12/2020 05:58 - Barbados - Bridgetown

Naps are important

Today, I realised just how badly I procrastinate because I wanted to take a nap before going out for a friend's birthday, but I kept putting it off until I simply didn't have the time. FML

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By Red

Today, my girlfriend found out that I secretly watch porn while she sleeps, but she seemed to be fine with it. That's until the next day, when she got on my Facebook account and publicly shared every porn page I visit. My father even commented, "Poor choice in porn, son". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Thanks.

Today, I asked a guy if I could finally meet his mom after we’ve been exclusive for almost a year now. He goes, "You’re special, but you’re not THAT special." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 13:59

I Want the One I Can't Have

Today, I found out that the very attractive guy who lives in the house behind mine is working from home. I know this because he waved after catching my performance of singing along to a Smiths song into my hairbrush in front of the mirror, dancing around like a five-year-old. FML

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By Invisible - Canada

Today, I realized that the only time I've ever been noticed by my classmates is when I brought cake for the potluck. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2021 05:00

Skinny Love

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me because she got tired of me being thinner than her and, in her own words, making her look bad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a man in an army uniform. As a bit of a patriot, I went up to thank him for his service. After about 10 minutes of me going on and on, he started laughing. He wasn't a soldier. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 01:02 - United Kingdom

Broken

Today, I recently got out of hospital after suffering a bad head injury. My doctor warned me I might have localised skin numbness, and it turns out I do. In my penis. Can’t feel a thing down there. We discovered this in bed, where nothing could get a rise out of me because it was completely dead FML

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By TheMike23 - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went out with my mom to a restaurant. We were sitting down to eat, and a waitress walks over to our table and asks, "How are you ladies doing tonight?" It really was a nice thing to ask, for my mom. As for me, being a man, not so much. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boss walked up and smacked my butt. I am a 19 year old guy. My boss is a 50 year old woman. I desperately need this job. FML

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By ZAS - Canada

Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

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By The L word - United States

Today, I found out the girl I've been trying to date for six months is gay. FML

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By whiskey'swino

Today, while working in a dark nightclub, I dropped a red charger. Retracing my steps, I found it, or so I thought until I picked up a used tampon. FML

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By married - United States

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

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Top comments

By Harm Varwijk | 17

#7986266 - Tuesday 13 April 2021 23:36

at least she has humor. Chill tfo a little bit. Are you stressing her with comments on how much you do for her, how expensive a prestigious college was? Maybe you need to stop forcing your expectations on her, I am reading between the lines here!
Also, the POST title speaks of disrespecting your daughter.