By single again - 6/4/2021 17:00

Women shouldn't fart?

Today, I slept in the same room as my girlfriend for the first time. She is sweet, smart, and drop-dead gorgeous, so naturally I thought she was going to be the one. Until she farted in her sleep. 56 times. FML

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358

2583

Sleep

It never rains…

Thanks for the support

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "These were mine, hope you enjoy them as much as I did." Thinking it was something special of his he wanted to hand down to me, I quickly unwrapped the box only to find old 70's porn. Merry Christmas? FML

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By howtobesingle - Norway - Oslo

Today, I listened to my best friend complain, again, about the two guys she's seeing, and how she doesn't know which one to choose, because they're both perfect. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning up my dog's loose stools, haven't had a date in over three years and I'm also sharing a room with the very same best friend. FML

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19214

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By spinster - United States - Lubbock

Today, as I was creeping on social media, I realized that literally everyone I've ever dated is either happily married, engaged, or in a relationship. My last date was at the beginning of the summer. FML

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22265

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By aliciababy24 - Australia - Ashburton

A Poopy Proposal

Today, while on a weekend away, my boyfriend and I went for a walk. I now get to tell everyone the story of how my boyfriend got down on one knee into a pile of cow shit while proposing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Fe

Today, I went to work and said hi to my boss. He reached towards me. I thought he was trying to give me a hug, so I awkwardly hugged him back. Turned out he was just trying to fix my shirt collar. FML

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By babyblues - United States - Woodhaven

Today, this guy I've been dating for a few months freaked out and called his mom crying, because I told him I might be pregnant with his baby. He is 27. I didn't even take a pregnancy test yet. FML

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13843

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By bieberyoulittleSHIT - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, my dad called me for the first time in weeks. All he wanted to tell me was that Ashlee Simpson got fired from Melrose Place. Then he hung up. FML

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By Perpetually F-ed. - United States

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dover

Today, an Asian man approached me and called me pretty. I thanked him and he asked if I'm Chinese. When I said, "No, I'm Taiwanese" he promptly spat in my face and called me a "traitor to the motherland." FML

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By badcook - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML

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By Gabi - United Kingdom

Today, I spent about half an hour trying to decide whether to buy a top, because even though it was lovely, it was really expensive. Eventually, after deciding to buy it because I could always return it if I changed my mind, I got home and realised I'd left it on the bus. FML

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By despacito

Today, my brother stole my hard drive and wiped it. My hard drive had a 10-page school project on it. The project is due tomorrow. FML

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3267

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245

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By Anonymous - United States - Fair Haven

Today, we had a school reunion. The guy who bullied me throughout my high school career is now rich and married. I'm broke and single, and he specifically came up to me to point it out. FML

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27941

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML

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By Tp - United States

Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML

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21843

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I start work in an office, with my mother. FML

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29475

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By Nonbikerbiker

Today, while enjoying a nice drive on my motorcycle, I got into an accident. I was lucky to have minor injuries, but my bike was totaled. When I got home, I found the driver of the car that hit me sitting in my living room. My partner introduced us by saying, “and this is my gay lover, grandpa.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my summer babysitting job. The family's dog puked on the carpet and I proceeded to clean it up with baking soda and a mix of water/vinegar. Instead of blending in with the other areas of the carpet, the one spot I cleaned is white while the other areas are still darkened by filth. FML

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23617

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By GogglesGoggles - United States

Today, a guy punched me in the subway for staring at his girlfriend. I had dark glasses on, and was fast asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 23:00

Think it through

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend by knocking on her door and kneeling in front of it. I forgot that her door opens outwards. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - De Pinte

Today, my co-workers decided in our meeting with my boss that everything is my fault. When asked for examples, they couldn't come up with any. Now they are mad at me, because I'm apparently good at my job. FML

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12639

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By rhcpgurl - United States - San Jose

Today, after 2 months of searching, I finally found a good, stable job. How does the universe reward me upon waking up on my very first day? With a burning yeast infection. FML

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26741

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to talk to a guy I secretly like. I was so nervous that instead of saying, "Hi, I'm Veronica," I said, "Veronica, I'm high." FML

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37122

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend's house, I woke up mid-air after falling off his abnormally high loft bed. Luckily, there was a table and 3 shot glasses to break my fall. FML

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27536

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By fml9124

Today, it's our 32nd wedding anniversary. Two weeks ago I caught a cold on an airplane. Since I got back, she hasn't kissed or let me touch her. I'm still coughing. She says maybe it's not a cold, maybe it's TB. She's left to stay in a hotel until I get better or die. FML

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By PerturbedStudent - United States - Keller

Today, I finally received my first love letter. Too bad it was from the boy who lit me on fire two months ago. FML

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22544

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By Nicole Jones - 1/10/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Nooooooo… !

Today, after having a hard week, I decided to order a pizza with an expensive milkshake. It slipped out of my hand in front of the lift. It went everywhere. I had nothing on me to clean it up with. Now I’m milkshakeless, down £5, and accidentally responsible for littering my accommodation. FML

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By Rynne S. - United States

Today, I got my yearbook. My sister and I are identical twins, and we realized only my sister had a picture in it. When we asked the head of yearbook, they said they thought it was the same girl trying to get two pictures, so they put in the prettier one. FML

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By happyasaclam - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

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38940

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By Jessy - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML

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23114

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By justwow - United States - Fort George G Meade

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

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24790

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By paper towel virgin - United States - Warrensburg

Technologically Challenged

Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML

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By J.O.S - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

The more things change…

Today, airport security took away my 32$ eyelash curler, because it could be used as a weapon. I miss the '90s. FML

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By 3firedepos - 15/6/2020 05:06

Lovely

Today, I walked outside and was so happy about the return of smell of campfires and summer time. I now realize that the campfire smell was a house burning down in my neighborhood. FML

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1324

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By Byron fiddles - Hungary

Today, I was on an Easyjet flight, next to two attractive girls, listening to a track which starts with a woman pleasuring herself. I don't like this track so I go to skip it but accidentally unplug my headphones, activating my phone speakers and revealing the said woman at the peak of her orgasm. FML

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24978

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By Anonymous - Italy - Pistoia

Today, I found out that the generous gift from my boyfriend of a new iPhone was only given so he could use the "find my phone" function to make sure I'm always where I say I am each day. I'm being stalked by my own boyfriend. FML

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By Nick - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML

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Top comments

By Jon Tessler | 6

#7984288 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 18:12

if you break up with her over a natural bodily function, then you deserve to be single your whole life.

get over yourself

By cuz803 | 39

#7984275 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 17:02

If thou loves the beautiful maiden, he shall tolerate fellow maiden's gassy bum bum

COMMENTS

By cuz803 | 39

#7984275 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 17:02

If thou loves the beautiful maiden, he shall tolerate fellow maiden's gassy bum bum

By red6joker | 7

#7984276 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 17:04

Gotta be picky about something huh? Also no such thing as the one.

By Crowned Sataness | 6

#7984279 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 17:27

that's out of her control, don't hold that against her

By Jon Tessler | 6

#7984288 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 18:12

if you break up with her over a natural bodily function, then you deserve to be single your whole life.

get over yourself

Isaac Shields | 9

#7984401 - Wednesday 7 April 2021 1:39

I agree whole heartedly

Zebediabolical | 39

#7984656 - Wednesday 7 April 2021 23:32

You totally missed a chance to use 'Hole heartedly' :D

By mike3775 | 32

#7984292 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 18:18

Oh man, that’s better than my wife. It’s natural, so if that bothers you, enjoy being single forever.

By JillianJuneBug | 39

#7984305 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 19:00

Good for her, she dodged a major bullet

By Bogrbon | 22

#7984308 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 19:25

Sounds like she's still the one, but maybe you aren't the one. Grow up a little!

By Aiden89 | 21

#7984309 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 19:28

I would of woke her up from laughing so hard.

By idragosani | 8

#7984324 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 20:26

Definitely the one! Too bad you aren't

By Lydmyers | 8

#7984330 - Tuesday 6 April 2021 20:42

OP, Grow up.
Girls have normal human digestive systems, same as boys do which includes farting.
I find it weird that you would not only think much less of her, but count how many times she farted.

YDI