Love: Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because... - FML

By pikachu - 20/01/2009 20:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 516

You deserved it 4 496

Triage

Mama's boy

Leave us alone

By Andrew - 02/01/2014 23:49 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I sent a message on Facebook to a girl I really like. She replied, "..." It took me three hours to realize she'd actually written it. I thought it was just Facebook telling me she was typing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 035

You deserved it 8 547

By Davios - 27/12/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I crossed a one-way street after looking for oncoming traffic only to be hit by a car driving in reverse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 548

You deserved it 5 610

By foreveralone - 23/07/2013 09:51 - New Zealand - Torbay

Today, I was finally asked out on a date after a year of being single. Turns out he got the wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 902

You deserved it 3 528

By Stephen - 24/03/2012 21:07 - Sweden

Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 230

You deserved it 3 890

By - 21/10/2013 16:57 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 597

You deserved it 4 594

Bunged up

By P DarklyKira - 18/05/2020 23:00

Today, after weeks of quarantine, I can finally go to the hospital to get my haemorrhoid surgery, which was confirmed. I have a big internal one. I didn't not consult with the same doctor as before, but he didn't even do a check up inside and told me, "You have nothing, go home." I can't shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 606

You deserved it 153

By someonepleasehelpme - 18/07/2014 16:49 - United States - Centreville

Today, I ran into my boyfriend of 5 years. The weird thing was that he was supposed to be in Iran. The even weirder thing was that he was with his wife and kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 712

You deserved it 5 893

By Anonymous - 19/03/2014 06:25 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was telling my friends about a date I had recently that went badly, because the guy turned out to be a moron. I said the last straw was when I used the word "decipher" and was met with a blank stare. I was then met with more blank stares. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 095

You deserved it 6 894

By MakesMeLol - 18/01/2012 22:30 - Ireland

Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 197

You deserved it 6 758

By Trainer Calypso - 27/11/2014 20:38 - United States - Schofield

Spicy

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 935

You deserved it 4 068

By Anonymous - 09/08/2011 12:55 - United States

Today, I held an open house. Not wanting anything to be stolen I loaded up all valuables in my car (money, prescriptions, computer, iPod, etc) and went out. My car got stolen. Nobody came to the open house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 212

You deserved it 12 416

By Jong - 10/03/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I arrived at work only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8000 from my job. 5 hours later at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID one digit different than mine. He works at another location over 1200 miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 209

You deserved it 2 743

By FreeToFly3733 - 19/08/2010 11:25 - Canada

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 017

You deserved it 29 268

By Anonymous - 18/05/2019 14:25

Today, I found out my boyfriend was going to propose. He'd bought me a beautiful white gold ring that I never got to see. His estranged mom stole the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 309

You deserved it 97

Impossible relationship

By Anonymous - 05/11/2019 16:30

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 811

You deserved it 194

By prego - 24/08/2010 16:01 - Canada

Today, because I am pregnant with a weak bladder, I woke up with morning sickness and had to decide very quickly whether I wanted to vomit or pee in the toilet. I now have to clean the chunks off the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 462

You deserved it 5 292

By Jaggu - 29/04/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, I ran into an old friend from college on the bus to work. Having not seen each other in over 10 years, we spent a good 15 minutes talking about our lives after college. At the end, he asked me what my name was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 286

You deserved it 5 088

By thanatophobia - 15/03/2010 00:20 - France

Today, my deranged co-worker sent me a text message containing a picture that she just took of her uncle. It was his funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 956

You deserved it 2 002

By inpain - 02/12/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my hairdo must resemble a rat. I found out when a hawk swooped down and dug its claws into my head while I was sunbathing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 887

You deserved it 6 191

By Anonymous - 03/03/2017 12:00

Today, I was stuck in a window seat next to the biggest/angriest man I've ever seen. During the trip I reached down to pick up what I thought was my pillow but instead managed to pull off his huge sock. Couldn't put it back so had to pretend I had no idea why he was glaring at me when he woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 836

You deserved it 942

By Anonymous - 12/06/2012 10:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I got really bored at work. I decided to spin myself around and around in my chair until I got really dizzy. Apparently my boss decided to start watching me do this while I was in mid-spin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 292

You deserved it 30 052

Stay Safe!

By middleagednurse - 18/03/2020 17:00

Today, the cruise that I was looking forward to for over a year was cancelled due to the coronavirus. Trying to salvage what was left of my vacation, I booked a hotel for a few days near a local beach. They just announced that the beach was closed and the hotel is refusing to refund my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 881

By zcollins - 10/09/2013 15:52 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 259

You deserved it 3 566

By cookiemonster - 13/08/2013 16:10 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after placing it on top of the stove, my hot tray of freshly-baked cookies slipped. I caught it, though. With my bare hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 361

You deserved it 6 655

By Anonymous - 25/04/2016 05:38 - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing and cut through the headphone wire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 898

You deserved it 3 227

By silentbutdeadly - 27/04/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend. His dog, Baxter, has a bad farting problem. I decided it would be okay to let a silent fart out and blame the dog. Baxter was outside when I blamed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 980

You deserved it 77 487

By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 03:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 162

You deserved it 10 474

Real housewives

By restraining orders are just paper - 20/03/2021 23:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. The constant harassment, threats and stalking by my ex-wife have finally driven her away. This is the third time this has happened. My ex physically beat the other two up, and now she’s scared away the one I wanted to marry. The courts have done nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 775

You deserved it 95

By Twysted91 - 28/12/2014 03:50 - United States - Milford

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room in crippling pain, thanks to a very dangerous cluster of cysts on my ovaries that could rupture at any time. My boyfriend took this news as my way of denying him sex and broke up with me for "going to obscene lengths" to emasculate him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 851

You deserved it 3 187

Family issues

By thanks bro - 05/03/2021 17:00 - United States

Today, my brother refused to bring his kids to a small family get together for my daughter’s birthday, due to his fear of Covid. Later, I saw online that he was at a huge party for his wife’s family, no masks in sight. When I confronted him, he blocked me and won’t return my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 096

You deserved it 112

By TMI - 05/08/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, I was opening and sorting mail for my boss as part of my job. One package was delivered to the office instead of his home by mistake, since his house is next door on the same property. I didn't notice until I had opened it. I had to hand my boss an opened box of toys. Kinky ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 558

You deserved it 6 364

By Robert Herrin - 31/10/2018 13:30

Today, being the man of the house, I decided to work on the car. Long story short, there's a towel in my transmission. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 306

You deserved it 2 179

By Jane - 07/12/2009 10:33 - United States

Today, I found out the weekly coffee talks my husband was having with his ex-girlfriend stopped involving coffee about 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 691

You deserved it 21 222

By unexpected_failure - 22/11/2010 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 856

You deserved it 3 081

By NoBasement4U - 26/11/2015 20:24 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 354

You deserved it 2 118

Not now

By anonymous - 02/02/2011 05:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 220

You deserved it 4 698

By Anonymous - 28/01/2012 21:52 - United States

Today, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single." I forgot to take my phone to work, and when I got back, I saw someone had replied, "What happened?" Someone else commented, "He broke his hand." My ex and a bunch of other "friends" liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 694

You deserved it 4 899

ASMR

By Crucible101 - 24/08/2020 08:07

Today, I listened to a recording of a woman saying, "I love you" for about 30 mins straight. That's apparently the only way I can feel loved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 279

By GiveMeCake - 02/12/2018 22:00

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I had the most vivid dream of eating a caramel apple mousse cake with vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, yesterday, also thanks to pregnancy hormones, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My dreams are taunting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 748

You deserved it 236

By Sugao - 10/12/2008 07:48 - France

Spicy

Today, during foreplay with my boyfriend, I put my legs around his neck. He pushed them away violently, shouting, "Bloody hell, it's prickling me!" I'd shaved the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 912

You deserved it 7 579

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Thursday 5 March 2009 3:10

See, what you need to learn is the Self-Dutch Oven in vengeance. Next time you let out a big 'un under the covers while she's sleeping, sneak out in such a way that still contains the gases under the blankets. Then turn the lights on. She'll throw the covers over her head to hide from the light.

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Sunday 22 February 2009 19:01

stock up on air fresher. It is a normal human thing to fart in sleep. You probably do it but don't realize it. Grow balls and stop worrying about stuff like this.

Comments

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Sunday 8 February 2009 7:40

#5, you're genius.

blah_blah_shity 0

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Monday 16 February 2009 12:11

hahahahahaha

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Saturday 20 November 2010 6:39

maybe she wasnt sleeping……

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Sunday 22 February 2009 19:01

stock up on air fresher. It is a normal human thing to fart in sleep. You probably do it but don't realize it. Grow balls and stop worrying about stuff like this.

PimpdaddyCJT 13

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Thursday 17 June 2010 22:09

#7 you look retarted

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Thursday 5 March 2009 3:10

See, what you need to learn is the Self-Dutch Oven in vengeance. Next time you let out a big 'un under the covers while she's sleeping, sneak out in such a way that still contains the gases under the blankets. Then turn the lights on. She'll throw the covers over her head to hide from the light.

Send a private message

Monday 13 December 2010 8:08

rude! :P

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Monday 16 March 2009 5:29

lmaooo

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Monday 16 March 2009 5:31

also, genius #10

_pk_ 0

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 2:39

Why vengeance? She didn't even know, it wasn't her fault.

anonymous55_fml 0

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Thursday 26 March 2009 23:32

Today, my boyfriend heard me fart in my sleep--it woke him up because it was so loud. Then rather than be understanding like a mature/rational human being, he proceeded to complain about the smell and post the incident on fmylife for strangers to read. FML

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Monday 2 November 2009 19:20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

thefmlman2011 35

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Friday 11 September 2015 1:14

-facepalm-

eliz3 0

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Sunday 5 April 2009 18:20

Why do people insisit on rewording FML's in an unfunny way... This is also clearly fake, we all know girls don't do that ;)

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Wednesday 15 April 2009 22:02

lol

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 9

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 642

You deserved it 143

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 91