Love: Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown...

By Gas-pingForAir - United States - Columbia

Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML

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Love

Sorry…

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Co-parenting

By sayno2mermaids - United States - Denver

Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML

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By drugsforthugs - United States - Sierra Madre

Today, in the middle of a boring class, my friend offered me some Smarties. We're not allowed to eat in class, but I had a couple anyway. As I put them in my mouth, my "friend" stood up and yelled that I was doing ecstasy. I might actually get expelled. FML

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By shitday - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, a cyclone hit my city. Though everywhere else is flooding, my house is fine. Well, that was until the toilet decided to overflow and regurgitate the entire town's sewerage. So now my only bathroom is covered in sewage, and I can't go anywhere else because of the flooding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent two hours filling out an online application and questionnaire for a potential employer. The application stated that there were no right or wrong answers and to answer truthfully. I was automatically rejected. FML

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By nooooo - United States

Today, I have no cell phone reception as I am visiting family who lives on the side of a mountain. They told me there was service on top of the mountain, so I hiked up. Only when I got there did I realize I'd left my phone back down at the house. FML

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By Thankshun - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was selfish for "choosing" to start my period on his day off from work. FML

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By tomchuq - United States

Today, I realized I can hold a pencil in my fat rolls. FML

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By AgentOrion - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

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By Anna - United States - Monroe

Today, my guy friend kept complaining that no one had asked him to the dance, so he probably wasn't going to go. I suggested that we go together. He laughed until his face was bright red and said, "I don't think I'll ever get that desperate." FML

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By MrG - United States

Today, I had to write, "Do not use to freeze cat," on my bag of ice because my sister's cat died, and she refuses to bury it. FML

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By Apparently not a writer - United States - Hockessin

Today, I uploaded the first chapter of my best writing yet to a popular writing website. After ten minutes, I was thrilled to already see one review and five comments. Each comment was telling me to immediately delete the story because of how horrible it was. The rating was half a star. FML

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By lonesome - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was so lonely, I tried to get into bed noiselessly while pretending I had a boyfriend asleep in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Please don't do this

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, a teenage girl with a selfie stick came into my workplace. She knocked down multiple displays while trying to take pictures, before leaving without making a purchase. I had to clean it all up. FML

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By bjevilcat2 - United States

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

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By "Marlon4136"

Today, as an usher at a beauty pageant, I was helping other patrons when a group walked past me and sat. I politely asked to see their tickets, but one of the women got angry and ripped hers up to throw the pieces in my face. Without a ticket, I had to kick her out. The police were called. FML

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By HungerStrike - Czech Republic - Hostivice

Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jacinto

Today, it's garbage day. My mom accidentally threw away a receipt she needed to return something and told me to go get it. While I was looking for it, a cop gave me hell for "stealing recyclables on private property." This all happened in my front lawn. FML

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By ARGHHHH

Today, my mom ordered my birthday presents on eBay. Too bad she used my account, so when I went to look for ideas, everything she bought me popped up. It's so much stuff I don't want, need, or will ever use, and it's on my credit card. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We broke up because "he didn't believe in marriage." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair and unbuttoning a couple of buttons on my shirt, hoping the policeman would let me off with a warning. When he got to the car, he rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. I saw him walk back to the cop car gagging. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my recent ex-boyfriend stopped by my house with a well-dressed man. He reached into his pocket and handed me records that "prove" he never cheated on me. Oh, and the man next to him? His lawyer, who gave me a summons to court over payment for the items I smashed when I dumped him. FML

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By ohgod - United States

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

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By cuntsmom - United States

Today, my niece, who is fifteen, convinced my six-year-old daughter that her name is spelled C-U-N-T, and just pronounced as Catherine. FML

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By Rawr - Switzerland

Today, my grandmother told me she would pay for me to get a nose job. I never thought there was a problem with my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me via text message. The sad thing is that I left my fiancée of 5 years to be with a girl I worked with at Walmart. My ex-fiancée is now a doctor. I still work at Walmart. FML

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By skunk head - 22/7/2020 05:01

Extreme makeover

Today, my idiot husband got drunk in the middle of the day and decided to dress our 7-year-old like Rufio from the movie Hook. I wouldn’t have even been mad if he’d done a decent job. Instead, he did a botched bleach and dye job in our boy’s hair that makes him look like a skunk on acid. FML

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By fmlsomuch - Japan

Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML

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By Maruska28

Today, we bought our first home after months of searching and years of saving. It's directly in the path of Hurricane Irma and may be destroyed before we even get the chance to move in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went downtown to pay my speeding ticket. After standing in line and arguing with a rude woman behind the desk, I get back to my car only to find an expired meter and a parking ticket. I got a ticket while paying my ticket. FML

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By MC Turtledick - United States

Today, I walked out and saw four kids mercilessly keying my car. When I questioned them on it, they said "Oh, that was your car? Oh well at least we didn't pee on your door handles too." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

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By sad guy - United States

Today, a huge and angry man stormed into my work and threatened to kill me if I didn't stop sleeping with his wife. He then threatened to come back and kick my ass if I so much as texted his wife again. The problem is, I'm married, have never cheated and I work for my wife's father. FML

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By phoneless - Jordan

Today, I bought my first iPhone. Today, I broke my first iPhone. FML

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By IHateMyJob - United Kingdom

Today, I received an email from my boss telling me how appreciated I was and how valuable I am to the company. I wish I hadn't scrolled down to read the included conversation where he asked his boss whether to lie to me about how good I was or not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was approached by a policeman who asked me if I was the owner of the green Camry. Turns out my parents decided to teach me a lesson for lying where I had been by reporting the car stolen. They also wouldn't answer my one phone call. FML

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By bootyislife - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML

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By Dlpnlvr85 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

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By Aleksandar Veljović - 25/11/2020 05:01

Interpreter blues

Today, at the hospital, I had to tell someone he was going to die because I was the only one to speak his language. FML

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By anyomous - United States

Today, I bought tickets for my friends and me to go to a concert. While I was in the shower, they ditched me and took my girlfriend. FML

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Top comments

By cj89898 | 24

#6692319 - Monday 19 September 2016 16:09

That takes skill

By bluerara9122 | 7

#6692320 - Monday 19 September 2016 16:10

Marry her

COMMENTS

By cj89898 | 24

#6692319 - Monday 19 September 2016 16:09

That takes skill

belc | 5

#6694576 - Saturday 24 September 2016 2:41

That is the exact thought that I had when I read op's post.

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6695347 - Monday 26 September 2016 3:43

OP's girl is a motherfucking Jedi.

By bluerara9122 | 7

#6692320 - Monday 19 September 2016 16:10

Marry her

By kakabalo | 17

#6692326 - Monday 19 September 2016 16:24

she's a keeper!

By Welshite | 39

#6692327 - Monday 19 September 2016 16:24

That is one impressive nightgown! Just tie her to a basket and go around the world in eighty days.

By hellnosucka | 27

#6692328 - Monday 19 September 2016 16:28

Her night gown must be incredibly fartified to contain gas so effectively.

By laescroc | 4

#6692329 - Monday 19 September 2016 16:31

Also known as the Trojan Horse. It takes years to master such an attack.

By HoboMeth | 32

#6692348 - Monday 19 September 2016 17:20

RIP, literally

By lucas_333 | 12

#6692357 - Monday 19 September 2016 17:45

Man stay away, she is suicide boomer trained by Bin Laden himself.

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6692558 - Tuesday 20 September 2016 2:26

Seriously? That was a bit much.

Jennapea | 15

#6692698 - Tuesday 20 September 2016 8:34

That was an incredibly tasteless and disgusting joke to make #8, Absolutely disgusting.

By LittleLittlered7 | 6

#6692365 - Monday 19 September 2016 18:15

I watch BMeister22 on YouTube bc he takes regular episodes and hilariously messes them up, quite often adding farts. Last one I watched had Marcia farting in her nightgown so your post made me laugh extra hard

PackardBell_fml | 19

#6692619 - Tuesday 20 September 2016 5:31

Why should we care?

By thatnucca | 36

#6692389 - Monday 19 September 2016 19:13

The Trapstar... The one today's rappers talk about...