Today, while having a break up fight with my fiancée, she informed...

By Anonymous - 20/8/2018 00:00 - United States

Today, while having a break up fight with my fiancée, she informed me that the paternity of our unborn child was in question because one of the other guys couldn't remember if he got off or not. FML

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Love

Intimacy

Kids

Rock, hard place

The end of the road

This is fine

By Username - 21/4/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, I came home to find that all my porn magazines have been "censored" with a black sharpie. FML

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By Meowitzer - 14/9/2019 22:00

Classy Mom

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

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By hh - 5/12/2014 21:13 - United States - Clear Lake

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house to break up with him. When I got there, I got sent on a scavenger hunt that ended with him proposing to me. FML

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By nicedoggy - 23/10/2012 18:05 - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home from college to find my favorite silk nightie that I had left behind being modeled by Bernie, the family dog. Nobody will admit to who put it on him. I don't know what's worse, that my family is a bunch of assholes, or that my nightie is big enough to fit a Saint Bernard. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 04:05 - Canada

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

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By Trainspotting - 3/4/2011 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, Amazon didn't deliver the present I bought my mother for Mothering Sunday, so she called me an 'Ungrateful bastard.' And about half an hour ago, I cut my thumb whilst making her lunch. She said, 'You're doing this on purpose so I feel sorry for you. Well I don't.' FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2013 15:19 - United States - Decatur

Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML

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By thanks for the $5 gift voucher - 13/6/2015 16:34 - United States - Randleman

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

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By guy - 15/3/2013 05:31 - Canada - Port Coquitlam

Today, I met my mom's fiancé. He's a nice guy, he's also my wife's dad. I'll soon call my wife my sister. FML

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By David - 15/8/2020 17:07

No wings

Today, I was at work and got chest pains and a headache so bad, I vomited. My supervisor took my blood pressure twice and it was dangerously high both times. I went to the hospital, and after 3 hours of waiting, I got the most expensive lecture ever on drinking too many energy drinks. FML

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By HotACE - 22/4/2011 05:08

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML

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By Anon - 13/3/2009 04:00 - United States

Today, I was on the subway. I have fairly serious OCD, so I avoided holding the poles or handles. All the seats were taken, so I leaned against a wall. At the next stop, an obese, sweaty man got on and grabbed the two poles around me, effectively hugging me. My shirt was wet when he left. FML

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By Parusu - 13/2/2014 00:52 - United States - Orlando

Today, a woman pushed a stroller in front of my car. Thinking I'd hit someone, I jumped out. Turns out it was a doll. The "woman" was a 14-year-old girl, claiming, "I did it for the Vine!" FML

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By craZycatLady - 20/4/2015 18:06 - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

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By almost - 22/8/2017 16:00

Today, I waited 75 minutes for a roller coaster. I got on the front seat and it broke a few seconds before it started. It was closed for the rest of the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2012 06:02 - United States

Today, I managed to staple my finger while showing my kindergartner class how to properly use one. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2012 16:13 - United States

Today, I got a root canal. It wouldn't have been that bad if the dentist hadn't performed it on the wrong tooth. FML

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By birdhater - 15/10/2009 06:16 - Australia

Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML

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By BrokeAndHungry - 24/7/2016 17:05 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I was so ashamed of being broke that instead of asking my parents for money, I snuck into their house while they were at work to steal some of their food. FML

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By hugadyle - 18/4/2020 14:00

Getting some action

Today, I took a trip to the library's public computer section to get some important work done. After a bit of work, I went to stretch only to see that the man next to me was watching some adult films on his computer and discreetly touching himself. I still had 58 minutes of computer time. FML

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By BabyBeardy - 10/12/2009 23:05 - Australia

Today, I stepped out of a bar in order to make a phone call. While I was outside, the bouncers arrived and ropes were put up. They wouldn't let me back in, claiming I was too young and they hadn't seen me come out. I was celebrating my 26th birthday, the legal drinking age is 18. I also have a beard. FML

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By peaaaak - 3/6/2011 10:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came round to the house. Looking rather pleased with himself he pulled out his phone, grinned, and chucked it over to me. I glanced at the screen to see a naked woman. He smiled and said "I tapped that last night". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2019 20:00

Bumbling

Today, my girlfriend and I enjoyed a lovely shower together. It was indeed lovely until her father came into the washroom to say “Welcome to the family!” whilst taking a giant shit. FML

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By Matt - 20/3/2011 05:08 - United States

Today, I was late for the bus. I chased after it for 3 blocks until I realized that the bus driver was laughing at me trying to catch her. FML

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By g'day cunt - 26/8/2012 18:27 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my dog head-butted me in the mouth so hard that my lip split open. Twenty minutes later, I unthinkingly sprayed perfume directly into the wound. FML

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By carolinagirl - 4/4/2011 16:23 - United States

Today, I found out that my mom and dad got a divorce. They didn't tell me, they just changed their relationship status on Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2018 06:00

Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML

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By screamo - 2/5/2009 20:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By anonymous - 1/2/2009 10:53 - United States

Today, I slept with this new guy for the first time. After sex, he said the doggie style position was fun, it made him wonder what it would be like to rape a girl. FML

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By Miguel Ezpeleta - 29/5/2020 05:00

Never get involved

Today, I was working for my cousin. However, two weeks ago I found out my cousin's wife was cheating on him, through lying to her best friend. I told him, and he later told her. They've apparently made up, because I got fired. FML

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By imamonster1992 - 24/12/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got rejected by his dream college. In an effort to comfort him, I told him that he is incredibly smart and that it's their loss. He replied, "Of course you think so, you're an idiot!" FML

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By doggone - 14/7/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I went to a pet store to adopt a dog. I got a medium sized lab, a dog crate, and a few toys, then put his crate in the back of my truck and the dog in his crate. On the way home I realized I forgot dog bowls and some dog food. I went back, and when I got back out to my truck, my dog was gone. My stereo too. FML

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By Public Indecency - 28/6/2019 20:23

Today, after some cajoling, I finally posed naked for my long-term partner and his Polaroid camera. After saying he would cherish the intimate snapshots forever, he almost immediately forgot them on a crowded bus. FML

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By Noname - 27/1/2009 00:02 - Japan

Today, I sneezed so hard I herniated my back. After passing out from the pain I awoke on the floor covered in my own shit and piss. Unable to move, I had to wait in this state for four hours for my wife to return home from work, clean me up and take me to the hospital. FML

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By JoshuasGirl - 23/12/2013 19:13 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time, after he repeatedly told me not to worry about bleeding, and reassuring me that he'd take care of me. He passed out halfway through. FML

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By a268 - 2/2/2009 09:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home early from work and discovered my husband wearing a black babydoll nightdress, black stockings and high heels... He says it helps him to relax. FML

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By The Corner Of Death - 12/8/2013 08:17 - United States - Spring

Today, my dog died. In the same kitchen corner that two of my other dogs have died. I have a "Corner Of Death" in my kitchen. FML

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By kalamar5 - 25/5/2014 20:54 - Norway - Sarpsborg

Today, my boss bitched me out for doing some random web browsing while waiting for some documents I needed to arrive, then went back to his desk and went on Facebook, thinking I couldn't see. FML

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By PJ - 5/1/2010 14:06 - United States

Today, I planted a bit of a condom wrapper in my bed so my housekeeper would think I have a love life. FML

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By porkeater - 16/7/2009 15:02 - United States

Today, we went up for visitor's day for my son's Jewish summer camp. We don't keep kosher, but most of his fellow campers do. When we went around in the circle saying our favorite foods, he said, "my mom makes the best pork chops." We got dirty looks for the rest of the day. FML

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Top comments

By real life problems | 26

#7679584 - Monday 20 August 2018 6:53

During a fight, this would be considered the ultimate low blow.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7679595 - Monday 20 August 2018 7:50

And that's when ya say good he can pay the child support, goodbye ho😤😈

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7679581 - Monday 20 August 2018 6:29

She went nuclear!

By real life problems | 26

#7679584 - Monday 20 August 2018 6:53

During a fight, this would be considered the ultimate low blow.

Jerry Leberer | 12

#7679828 - Monday 20 August 2018 18:46

my ex-wife pulled this same shit.....they must be related

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7679587 - Monday 20 August 2018 7:09

Very probably a spite statement designed to cause the most hurt.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7679595 - Monday 20 August 2018 7:50

And that's when ya say good he can pay the child support, goodbye ho😤😈

By joonsson | 20

#7679629 - Monday 20 August 2018 9:49

That’s when you leave and refuse to take a paternity test

By lexos | 16

#7679633 - Monday 20 August 2018 10:08

You dodged a bullet, just imagine if you found out after you're married

By tounces7 | 26

#7679735 - Monday 20 August 2018 15:22

"The other guys"?

Uhhh, just how many other guys has your fiance been sleeping with since you've been together?

By awildwhisper | 30

#7679751 - Monday 20 August 2018 16:21

I'd say, "wow I suddenly forgot if I proposed to you or not". You're lucky you found out about this sooner than later.

By Paul B. Gyurcsanszky | 14

#7679812 - Monday 20 August 2018 18:12

ONE of the other guys? How many guys are there other than you?

By Glitterbaby2613 | 17

#7679871 - Monday 20 August 2018 20:21

hope u get a test so u can verify cause if it so t yours then u dodged a bullet