Health: Today, I sprained my sternum in my rugby match. I now can't yell,...

By ouchiee - United States

Today, I sprained my sternum in my rugby match. I now can't yell, laugh, cough, inhale or exhale fully, or sneeze without a sharp pain shooting through my chest. I have a pollen allergy, and sneeze every 5 or 10 minutes. FML

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Health

Instadrama

Technologically challenged

Haircut, haircuuuut

By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML

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By bureaucratic assfuckery - United States - Baltimore

Today, I learned that my doctor lost all of my immunization records. I can't start law school without them. FML

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By breathalizard - United States

Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML

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By Cougar - United States

Today, I was at work when my mother called. She gave me great news that she had finally cleaned out my room and all those "old and useless" books that I had in there. Those "useless" books that she had just trashed were all antiques and worth about $500 each. There were 27 books in there. FML

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By meganridner - United States

Today, I went mud wrestling for the first time at a mud bog. After a day of fun and getting cleaned up, I realized that my mom's ring was no longer on my finger. FML

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By Anonymous - Cyprus - Paphos

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

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By BadgerSpirit - United States

Spooky

Today, I woke my husband up at 2 a.m., screaming that there was a badger in our bedroom. We both screamed for a bit until he finally said, "What are we screaming about!?" I took a second look at the badger, and realized it was my four-year-old daughter with her blanket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me over for an "important chat". This chat consisted of him not only insisting that we have sex whenever he feels like it, but demanding that I take birth control pills, because making him wear a condom is "sexist and degrading". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, my younger brother, who still lives in our parents' basement and has never held a job in his life, announced that his girlfriend is pregnant with their third child. I'm a college graduate living on my own and I've never even had sex. FML

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By Jules

Today, the first day of school, I threw up on my teacher in the middle of class. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my dad asked me to unpack the groceries he'd brought home. When he saw me come across a bottle of lube, then he told me how my mom had hit menopause and, as a result, her vaginal dryness made sex harder for the two of them. FML

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By SharpeOne

Today, I found out that my parents didn't come to my wedding not because they couldn't make it, but rather that my younger brother didn't want to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went and bought my wife a new cell phone for a Christmas present. She called me five minutes later saying she got a notification e-mail thanking her for her purchase. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - University

Today, I went to take a shower, but forgot my towel and dorm key in the room. After my shower, I had to run down to the front desk butt-naked, using only a shampoo bottle as cover, and ask for a temporary key. The person running the front desk was my ex-girlfriend’s current boyfriend. FML

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By spiderbaby - United States - San Francisco

Today, I opened a window that had been shut for a couple of months. As soon as I did, dozens of tiny baby spiders blew in with the breeze, and dispersed in my kitchen. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - Switzerland

Today, in dance class, the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group. I slid down, my legs opening wider as I descended. I then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground. FML

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By nocakeforyou!

Today, I came home to my drunk husband, to find that he raided our fridge and freezer to soothe his beer munchies. That would have been fine, had he not eaten the top tier of our wedding cake I'd been saving to eat on our first wedding anniversary, which is in 4 days. FML

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By nic - United States

Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friend's apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML

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By sad sack. - United States

Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you". FML

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By LizLiao - United States

Today, I was running down the hallway when a door opens and hits me right on the face. I'm sitting there with my nose bleeding and a huge bump forming on my head. The guy who comes out is hugely fat, tries to help me up, trips, and falls on me. I accidentally groped his moobs while trying to push him off. FML

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By RootalyTootToot

Today, after slipping on my stairs and spraining my ankle, I got a brace and crutches at urgent care. When I went to get into my car, my crutch slipped on some paper and I fell. I crawled back into urgent care, only to learn that my sprained ankle is now broken in 2 places. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little sister decided the best way to cheat on a test is to take someone else's test, scratch through their name in pencil, and write her name underneath. She starts high school next semester. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

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By anonymous - Singapore

Today, I inexplicably claimed ownership of someone else's fart in the subway. FML

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By hermit's life - United States - Sellersburg

Today, I learned that instead of spending Christmas alone with my cat, enjoying chicken quesadillas and a tin of tuna while watching only the best cartoons, my mother's coming over. FML

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By Edgarillo - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, my hairdresser apologised because he couldn't distinguish the hair from the back of my head from the hair from my back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on my first vacation in over two years, due to my hellish work schedule. The Governor essentially just vetoed my vacation with evacuation orders. Thanks, Hurricane Irene. FML

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By Malakai

Today, after taking a massive shit, I flushed the toilet and it clogged. It flooded to the brim and the shit came rising to the top. I didn't know what to do so I grabbed some toilet paper and picked it up, ran to my balcony, and launched it. It landed on my neighbor's car. FML

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By deserted - France

Today, I was going to meet my friend at a concert. I got there before her, so I went in to check out the local bands that were playing before the headliner. When she got there, I went just outside the building to give her a ticket. The security guards wouldn't let me back in. She went in anyway. FML

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By fatto - Sweden

Today, I got up very early to join my fit, slim, husband for a morning walk, since I work from home, order food to be delivered, and barely leave the couch. Afterwards, he biked off to work, and I went straight back to bed. With some candy. Small steps, I guess. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I got into an argument, and she told me to go to my room. I refused, prompting her to slap the shit out of me. I'm 29, and she was visiting me at my own house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home to my parents holding my marijuana. They told me that I had the stupidest hiding place ever, and that I was, "not only a pothead, but a dumbfuck pothead." FML

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By TooGulible - United States - Madison Heights

Today, I was at work at an ice cream shop when a hot guy came in and started chatting me up. I got him his ice cream and as I handed it to him, he mentioned that I was cute and walked away. Then I realised he hadn't paid for the ice cream, and I didn't even get a date out of it. FML

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By Ohfknhell

It's a sign...

Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML

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By ashamed - United States - Buffalo

Get Lucky, sound of the summer

Today, my neighbor called me a lucky bastard and said he heard me getting my wife off last night. I was too ashamed to admit the sounds he was referring to were from my 17-year-old daughter after a wasp flew through her bedroom window. FML

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By Buzz - France

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager". FML

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By Hannah - Australia - Caulfield North

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML

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By dead_painter - United States - Arlington

Today, after spending hours of my time painting sets for the last two months - with less dedication than only the head painter herself, and to the point where my health and grades suffered - I finally got to see the play I worked so hard on. I was the only one they forgot to put in the playbill. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 20:00

Proactive

Today my fiancé left to take care of his little sister who lives alone and recently got COVID-19. To be cautious, he will remain there for weeks until he tests negative. Feeling lonely, I texted my mom for comfort. She immediately canceled our engagement party this summer instead. FML

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By mylifeeee - United States

Today, in art class we finally had the critique for the self portraits we've been working on for a month. We critique a few and come to mine. Everyone is silent. Finally, one girl says "I'm just going to be blunt. It doesn't look like you. You're not that pretty." Everyone nods. FML

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Top comments

By Nimmrodel | 11

#2308103 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:04

A trip to the hospital may be beneficial.

By Frelling | 0

#2308480 - Thursday 7 April 2011 14:03

33, damn straight. Everyone knows they make rugby balls from pollen.

COMMENTS

By my_usagi | 0

#2308095 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:03

that's rough

largefoofighter | 0

#2308145 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:11

least you haven't been slapped in the chest yet

gutzzzz | 0

#2308199 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:28

ya, but you should see the other guy. bet he doesn't have allergies though :P

Frelling | 0

#2308242 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:37

He?

gutzzzz | 0

#2308264 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:41

he, she, it's all the same. we are all man. right? no? ok, fine then, I'm sexist and saw rugby and assumed male :)

Bano360 | 25

#2308280 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:44

So many insensitive people hitting ydi. How is it OP's fault?

Aldebaran_fml | 0

#2308436 - Thursday 7 April 2011 13:45

If he does have pollen allergy he shouldn´t be practicing Rugby since he´s exposing himself to polen, he doen´t deserved his sternum sprain, but he does deserve the allergic part since he exposed himself to his allergen.

Frelling | 0

#2308480 - Thursday 7 April 2011 14:03

33, damn straight. Everyone knows they make rugby balls from pollen.

insanesna1l | 0

#2308567 - Thursday 7 April 2011 14:28

I thought NRL balls were made from frozen dinosaur testicles?

KELSEYJOHNSON23 | 5

#2308659 - Thursday 7 April 2011 14:50

sternum is a bone and you can't sprain bones? sprains are in the muscle.. how much of this is true because a doctor wouldn't tell you that

2010smhill2010 | 0

#2308662 - Thursday 7 April 2011 14:50

no no no...its made from a portion of a dinosaur penis..

Frelling | 0

#2308669 - Thursday 7 April 2011 14:52

Dino bell end?

jess2gd4u | 0

#2308680 - Thursday 7 April 2011 14:55

this why girls don't play rugby!!! lol jokes!!! go broncos or wallabies !!

blackbird31 | 0

#2308688 - Thursday 7 April 2011 14:58

So you sprained a bone? Playing rugby whilst also being female? In America?

I'm calling BS on this. None of those things can ever happen.

jes1610 | 6

#2308778 - Thursday 7 April 2011 15:33

56 I play rugby and I'm a female in America. she probably BRUISED her sternum not sprained it that's stupid. I sprained my wrist recently at a match and it hurts like hell. injuries in game suck

marinus_fml | 19

#2309124 - Thursday 7 April 2011 17:09

Fucking rep that shit up! Springboks for life :D

yeah women do play! I watched some games.

HeartnSoul | 3

#2309178 - Thursday 7 April 2011 17:21

YDI for playing rugby

By Nimmrodel | 11

#2308103 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:04

A trip to the hospital may be beneficial.

Nimmrodel | 11

#2308757 - Thursday 7 April 2011 15:25

Pain medication

aquariusangel420 | 0

#2309323 - Thursday 7 April 2011 18:09

Yah allergy meds like zertec you should take IMMEDITALY and maybe you should drink that eases the pain BUT DONT take it with the meds!!!

By SuckerPunchurMom | 0

#2308108 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:05

Not much to say. Fu*k your life.

By Jimboom | 11

#2308112 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:06

Stop breathing... Problem sorted. ;-)

trick619 | 0

#2309076 - Thursday 7 April 2011 16:58

true that. op needs to stay away from flowers and the garden ha

By smileeee_fml | 0

#2308131 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:08

nothing but fyl. get well soon (:

Javgirl | 4

#2308803 - Thursday 7 April 2011 15:46

That's what he gets

By seraphxchild | 3

#2308183 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:26

my friends dad broke two ribs when he sneezed so it could be worse :D

Monkyman2006 | 1

#2308312 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:53

how is this at all relevant to the subject at hand? I would also be willing to bet that a sprained sternum is a bit worse than 2 broken ribs. FYL and get well soon, OP.

starreidy | 4

#2308359 - Thursday 7 April 2011 13:11

that was a powerful sneeze huh?..

By abceasyas123abc | 12

#2308189 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:27

Probably time to hit up the Claratyne/Zyrtec/something else along these lines, OP.

SuckerPunchurMom | 0

#2308219 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:31

Perhaps some meth?

allmidnighteyes | 10

#2308309 - Thursday 7 April 2011 12:52

Meth? Because inhaling fumes that will irritate your lungs and likely make you cough even more is a great idea for the OP. Every other time though, I'd be on-board with the meth thing.