Miscellaneous: Today, my boyfriend "finally figured out" that he couldn't possibly... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Carencro

Today, my boyfriend "finally figured out" that he couldn't possibly be the father of my child, and publicly broke up with me. When I reminded him that I was already pregnant when we first met, he "extra" broke up with me for making him look stupid. FML

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This Charming Man

Commando

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By FathersDay - United States

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

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By KittKatt - United States - Lehighton

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

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By Soverytired - Australia

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

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By habbsrule - Canada

Today, I was joking around with my eight-year-old son. I told him to pull my finger. I farted, then laughed. He decided to try it on his mother. When she pulled his finger, he crapped his pants. He told her I taught him how to do it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

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By hot_mess88 - United States

Today, I got called to a biker bar to break up a fight between my parents. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt fairly depressed about being single for the holidays during work. This cute girl came to my register asking about our sales ad. After telling her we had no copies, she asked for my number. I shouted: "Finally, someone wants to go out with me." She wanted the store's number to call. FML

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By smalls727

Today, I was at orientation for my new job. There were only 6 other people in the training. Throughout the whole entire training, I kept smelling cat urine and moving further away from the other person. Only to get in my car and realize my cat peed in my purse. FML

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By Icy

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By NeverDrinkingAgain - Canada

Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2021 23:01 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Childlike

Today, during an argument between me and my boyfriend, he called for his mom. She came up and told us both off and told us to stop screaming, as if we were kids. We are both well over 30. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

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By driver26 - Canada

Today, I was arguing in the car with my boyfriend about who was the better driver. Being so incensed by the fact that he thought he was better made me completely zone out, and run a red light. FML

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By CapitolSouthSux - United States

Today, a street preacher got on my metro car and gave a long, loud speech about how we sinful, polluted congressional staffers must inform our bosses that choosing a homosexual lifestyle was like trading your soul for soup. We got stuck in a tunnel for thirty minutes. FML

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By BRELLA - United States

The wrong kind of banging

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with a girl from home who I'd wanted for a long time. She has low blood pressure problems though, and when things got hot, she passed out while she was on top of me, fell and hit her head on the night stand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to lay out topless in my fenced-in backyard. For about an hour, everything was going great until I sneezed and my creepy, middle-aged neighbor said "bless you". From my bushes. FML

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By golfstar11 - United States - Savannah

Today, I was doing a presentation in front of my boss. On the last slide, someone had put a picture of a man's cock. I later found out it was my boss who did it. It was his "good reason" to fire me. FML

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By uugnfg - United States

Today, I was doing a job for some people on my street cutting their bushes. After I had finished and went to get my pay, I realized I had gone to the wrong house. They called the police. FML

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By kerry - Canada

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

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By charliebravo77 - United States

Slippery

Today, I drove into the parking lot at work, and discovered too late that there were patches of ice everywhere. As I turned to enter my usual spot, I lost control of the vehicle, and despite my pleas, praying, and profanity, it glided straight into my boss's car. FML

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By Anonymous - Portugal - Alg

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to lose our virginity. When he saw blood, he panicked and started crying, convinced that he was bleeding out. FML

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By Drewbie - United States - Park City

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

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By HarleyGirl - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, I watched my fiancé ride off on my motorcycle with another girl. FML

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By Sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, my now ex-friend told me she had feelings for my ex and was also choosing him over our friendship, despite being fully aware of the crazy rollercoaster our relationship was and being there to hear every detail of the trauma. She classily told me at random, in a public mall. People suck. FML

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By Cossack_Man - United States

Today, for karaoke, I sang American Woman by Lenny Kravitz. The entire audience cracked up laughing and at least three people pulled out their cell phones to record my performance. At the end, the DJ said, "Looks like someone had too much tonight." I was completely sober. FML

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By Thewatcher - Mauritius

Today, I tried to download some network-monitoring software for the office as I suspect that one of my staff has been constantly downloading torrents. It wouldn't download because someone was using all the bandwidth. FML

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By DemonicDummy

Today, after smoking, I sat down to watch Supernatural with my young cousin. I accidentally let out a burp during a demonic possession scene and, to our surprise, smoke came out of my mouth. Now there's a crying 11-year-old hiding somewhere in the house with salt. Mom will be home in 5 minutes. FML

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By downlowtooslow - United States

Today, while eating with my kids at McDonalds, my son put his hand up and wanted me to give him a "high five." I went to give him a five, but he moved his hand at the last second and I ended up slapping him in the face. Now everyone there thinks I'm a child-beater. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying "If god doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML

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By ProneToBlondeMoments - United Kingdom

Today, I was just about to do an important presentation in front of my boss and co-workers. When, without warning I tripped in front of everyone and knocked a VERY expensive computer off the table. How do I know it was so expensive? I'm paying for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML

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By Lithiac - United States - Ocala

Today, at the grocery store, an elderly woman asked for help with some tea. I lent her a hand, spending a good twenty minutes reading different labels out loud until she found one she liked. After she was done, she handed me a pamphlet and said, "You're a nice girl. I hope you don't go to hell." FML

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By Anonymous

Today is my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend, all I wanted to do was treat him to dinner and be intimate with him. However today is also the 9th day of my period and the 5th day that I’m feeling constantly nauseous. My period should’ve ended 5 days ago...FML

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By anon

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

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By Username - United Kingdom

Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML

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By -1 Pair of Pants - United States - Westborough

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 01:58 - United States

Evil eye doctor

Today, my step-son broke his glasses. Our doctor said he would no longer see us because my step-son is transgender, and a new law in our state allows him to do this. Apparently, it was foolish to be honest on medical forms. Finals are in a month but we have to find a new doctor before he can even study. FML

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By shizzy09 - United States

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

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By Anonymous

Spider-man

Today, I tried to catch a spider in a glass. It was on the paper and I wanted it to fall into the glass, but I moved the paper the wrong way, screeched like a banshee and flung the glass at the floor. I was barefoot. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I set up a date between my roommate, who I'm in love with, and his crush, who I'm jealous of. FML

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Top comments

By FalaFala | 8

#5514790 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:47

What a retard, seriously. Good riddance.

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5514804 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:52

I don't think you want an idiot helping to raise your child anyway

COMMENTS

By FalaFala | 8

#5514790 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:47

What a retard, seriously. Good riddance.

Reply

mandygrl25 | 18

#5514795 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:49

I heard that and I thought of the Green Day song

Reply

Grauncho | 26

#5514915 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:56

Thank you for that totally relevant post, #3.

Reply

GRgoldfish | 19

#5515178 - Friday 31 May 2013 16:37

my thoughts exactly.

Reply

calipilot227 | 16

#5515269 - Friday 31 May 2013 17:59

I love how girls date assholes and then complain when shit like this happens.

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5518649 - Monday 3 June 2013 7:19

Your picture made me laugh. The lack of a caption makes it all the more clever.. That is all..

By Bano360 | 25

#5514793 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:49

Sounds like a moron anyway. Better off without him.

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5514804 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:52

I don't think you want an idiot helping to raise your child anyway

By isallwaysme | 27

#5514808 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:53

dodged a bullet. you.dont need a childish partner. find a mature one.

Reply

Bakarra | 22

#5514852 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:07

Yea if she stuck with him he might have ended up hiding from her in a grocery store

By BigMatt803 | 18

#5514809 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:53

You don't want that man even remotely involved in raising a child. Go out and find you a real man.

By Ambient25 | 24

#5514814 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:55

You should be glad that the retard won't get the chance of being looked up to by your kid now

By rita0ral | 8

#5514816 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:55

How do you extra break up w/ someone

Reply

Ajwc101 | 24

#5515569 - Friday 31 May 2013 21:35

Maybe by jumping up and down well screaming "I'm extra breaking up with you now. You made me look stupid!" Seems like something OPs' boyfriend would do.

By ozpunker | 20

#5514817 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:55

Be glad that your child won't have this retard's genes.

By aliciaanomalyyxo | 12

#5514837 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:01

Better off not havin that idiot around your baby, good riddance

By SirTalkaton | 22

#5514842 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:04

Uh... You're better off. This one doesn't sound like the sharpest crayon in the shed if ya get my drift.

Reply

Bakarra | 22

#5514855 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:08

I'm pretty sure you meant the brightest tool in the crayon box...

Reply

saidoh_fml | 26

#5518137 - Monday 3 June 2013 1:31

Or sharpest tool in the shed.