Today, my boyfriend "finally figured out" that he couldn't possibly... - FML

By Anonymous - 31/5/2013 03:28 - United States - Carencro

Today, my boyfriend "finally figured out" that he couldn't possibly be the father of my child, and publicly broke up with me. When I reminded him that I was already pregnant when we first met, he "extra" broke up with me for making him look stupid. FML

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Boozehound alert

Spooky

TMI

By Eve - 24/6/2011 10:45 - Ireland

Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

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By youknowwhatitis - 22/6/2011 13:31 - Australia

Today, I learned how to wolf-whistle properly, and then learned what it feels like to be slapped on the head. FML

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By sexxibxmami - 19/2/2010 18:24 - United States

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

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By Really? - 31/12/2016 01:54 - Australia - Homebush

Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I spent the entire day at the hospital and was sent home attached to an obnoxious and somewhat painful heart monitor. I felt fine and decided to go to a bonfire with a few friends. I thought everyone was being nice until I overheard the guys referring to me as an unattractive xbox. FML

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By Gears - 29/4/2019 16:00

Today, I had dinner at a local fast food joint. There's an employee there that I usually talk to and flirt with, so I thought maybe it was time to ask for her number. After a small conversation and almost getting to the point, she told me, "I'm 17." I'm 23. FML

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By Waheyyy - 7/9/2009 19:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I was arguing with my dad. I called him a geriatric fool. He replied with, "Well at least I know who my biological father is." I have no idea if he's joking. FML

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By khfhjfsb - 5/2/2014 00:41 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

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By MulticoloredSlug - 13/10/2016 10:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated. We were having a lot of fun until I decided I wanted to be on top. He instantly got soft. FML

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By sexual parrot - 21/4/2014 18:42

Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML

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By fuck people - 2/8/2013 20:58 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended the funeral of a close friend. Most of the other guests were openly grinning and joking around, and the guy in front of me kept muttering "that's what she said" during the eulogy. FML

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By DerrickUhl - 19/6/2012 04:28 - United States - Napa

Today, I finally turned 21 so my friends and I decided to go to a club. There, I met this hot waitress and we were really hitting it off. I decided to order a drink. She replied with, "No problem, kiddo." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 04:11 - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that I'm so lonely I can no longer whack off without bursting into tears and crying like a little bitch. FML

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By maggie - 30/11/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school. The rap was "made up" by our friend. After the performance, a lot of friends asked me why I did a rap from Hannah Montana. Apparently the rap was off of a show for 8 year olds. We are 17 and people think we watch Hannah Montana. FML

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By notsexy - 9/5/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

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By Karansuni - 14/10/2013 10:38 - Germany

Today, my boss told me that my attitude to work is awesome and that he'd follow my example of coming in half-an-hour early every day from now on. I relish those 30 minutes as the only time I can get work done without him constantly interrupting me. So much for that. FML

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By lois2lane - 23/12/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

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By Ugly - 22/8/2013 23:40 - United States - Jerseyville

Today, I went to my high school reunion. Someone walked up to me and said, "Wow, you look so different!" She then followed it up with, "You used to be so pretty, what happened?" FML

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By MisterMisinformed - 1/9/2010 04:30 - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

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By Teresa - 28/5/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep because I had the worst time positioning myself around my cat who was sleeping in my bed. I couldn't kick my cat out of bed because I earlier today had an argument with my brother over which of us the cat loved more. FML

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By imwithapples22 - 29/1/2013 16:39 - United States

Today, the last customer of the night shift handed me their money along with a wad of their hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2014 16:15 - United Kingdom - Chester

Today, I was laying down with my girlfriend, when she asked me if I'd ever been kicked in the junk. I awkwardly said no, and she replied, "Well maybe that should change." while rubbing my shoulder lovingly. I'm scared. FML

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By SpontaneousAM - 15/4/2017 14:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, while moving my wax burner away from the window, I spilled hot wax all over my hands, the wall, and in my electric fireplace. FML

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By onthetoilet - 4/1/2010 22:20 - France

Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but I woke up with explosive diarrhea. So while they are at the happiest place on Earth, I'm stuck on this toilet left to imagine that the splash from my crap is a splash from splash mountain. FML

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By Sick'o'bitches - 4/9/2018 03:30

Today, I spent my entire day off making a brisket. It had been cooking for 8 hours when, just before dinner, I went for a quick jog. In that time my girlfriend came home and ruined it by trying to make it the way she wanted. I'm a chef and she's an office worker. We couldn't eat it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2017 20:00

Today, my apartment was robbed. The police report said my apartment was ransacked. No it wasn't, that's how looks everyday. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2011 13:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a music festival, watching one of my favorite bands. The security guys were throwing water into the crowd to cool us down. I saw some about to be thrown by another fan, so I stood with my mouth open to catch some of it. I ended up with a face full of hot piss. FML

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By Hilary - 23/9/2010 01:25 - Australia

Today, I was trying to relieve a dog that looked like it was choking because it was tied to a pole while its owner was in a restaurant. The owner called a security guard because she was convinced I was trying to steal her dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2015 00:45 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 15 year old sister asked which animal rice comes from. She believed every word when my mum told her it's harvested from tiny cows in Asia. FML

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By 2in longer - 1/11/2016 12:57 - United States - Coldwater

Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML

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By NoSpirit - 1/11/2012 08:20

Today, in the spirit of Halloween and to get back at a child who repeatedly pressed the doorbell until I showed up, I quickly opened the door and yelled "Boo!" The child ended up being carried away crying with wet pants by a mother threatening to sue. FML

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By zanaruka - 19/5/2020 05:00

The customer is always an ass

Today, an angry customer rubbed her hand all over my face, all while showing me her positive COVID-19 test results. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2009 06:13 - Australia

Today, I had to call poison control because my idiot son swallowed a bunch of baking soda to "make a volcano in his tummy." FML

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By cheese123 - 3/1/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, my grandmother introduced me to her friends as her 16-year-old granddaughter "who has never been kissed." FML

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By Username - 21/8/2011 09:59 - United States

Today, I found out apparently, I have a weird looking vagina. How? My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He took one look at my vagina and with a look of horror said, "I have never seen one this GROSS." He's a gynecologist and probably sees 20 vaginas a day. FML

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By spiderwoman - 15/4/2011 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 17:31 - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

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By Bob - 22/11/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I went to the orthodontist. The lady took a break and went to use the restroom. Apparently she didn't bother to take her gloves off, and they smelled like straight up pee. She had her hands in my mouth for over an hour. FML

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By Grace - 20/6/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, a close friend pointed out to me how ironic it is that I make the Sim version of myself work out to lose weight, while I sit on my fat ass playing video games. FML

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Top comments

By FalaFala | 8

#5514790 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:47

What a retard, seriously. Good riddance.

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5514804 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:52

I don't think you want an idiot helping to raise your child anyway

COMMENTS

By FalaFala | 8

#5514790 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:47

What a retard, seriously. Good riddance.

Reply

mandygrl25 | 18

#5514795 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:49

I heard that and I thought of the Green Day song

Reply

Grauncho | 26

#5514915 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:56

Thank you for that totally relevant post, #3.

Reply

GRgoldfish | 19

#5515178 - Friday 31 May 2013 16:37

my thoughts exactly.

Reply

calipilot227 | 16

#5515269 - Friday 31 May 2013 17:59

I love how girls date assholes and then complain when shit like this happens.

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5518649 - Monday 3 June 2013 7:19

Your picture made me laugh. The lack of a caption makes it all the more clever.. That is all..

By Bano360 | 25

#5514793 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:49

Sounds like a moron anyway. Better off without him.

By MsConfusedd | 27

#5514804 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:52

I don't think you want an idiot helping to raise your child anyway

By isallwaysme | 27

#5514808 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:53

dodged a bullet. you.dont need a childish partner. find a mature one.

Reply

Bakarra | 22

#5514852 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:07

Yea if she stuck with him he might have ended up hiding from her in a grocery store

By BigMatt803 | 18

#5514809 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:53

You don't want that man even remotely involved in raising a child. Go out and find you a real man.

By Ambient25 | 24

#5514814 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:55

You should be glad that the retard won't get the chance of being looked up to by your kid now

By rita0ral | 8

#5514816 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:55

How do you extra break up w/ someone

Reply

Ajwc101 | 24

#5515569 - Friday 31 May 2013 21:35

Maybe by jumping up and down well screaming "I'm extra breaking up with you now. You made me look stupid!" Seems like something OPs' boyfriend would do.

By ozpunker | 20

#5514817 - Friday 31 May 2013 12:55

Be glad that your child won't have this retard's genes.

By aliciaanomalyyxo | 12

#5514837 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:01

Better off not havin that idiot around your baby, good riddance

By SirTalkaton | 22

#5514842 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:04

Uh... You're better off. This one doesn't sound like the sharpest crayon in the shed if ya get my drift.

Reply

Bakarra | 22

#5514855 - Friday 31 May 2013 13:08

I'm pretty sure you meant the brightest tool in the crayon box...

Reply

saidoh_fml | 26

#5518137 - Monday 3 June 2013 1:31

Or sharpest tool in the shed.