By IronMonkey - United States

Useless tools

Today, I work for a company that sells a leading brand of condoms. They give away free condoms to employees at the office. I haven't gotten laid since I began working here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46595

You deserved it

7003

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Work

Proactive

Bad news

Ideal first date

By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19911

You deserved it

24895

Favorite

By Ricky - United States

Today, I was home alone and I started to sing Halo by Beyonce. I was starting to get into it and began singing with more passion until the phone rang. It was my neighbor begging me to please shut the hell up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17373

You deserved it

42715

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went through the car wash my boyfriend works at. When I pulled in, I explained I was Greg's girlfriend and cutely asked if I could get a free car wash. His co-worker looked at me confused and said "Greg said he didn't have a girlfriend", then he looked at me and said "Now I know why". FML

I agree, your life sucks

50905

You deserved it

12346

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By Anonymous - United States

Anyone for cake?

Today, it was my boyfriend's mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45522

You deserved it

7866

Favorite

By sigh - United States - Frederick

Today, I was cleaning up litter from the street, when a guy asked who I work for. I said nobody and that I was just doing some community service. Before I could clarify that it was voluntary community service, he called me a "piece of shit delinquent", spat on me, and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44946

You deserved it

3312

Favorite

By nomegusta - United States

Today, I unknowingly used my shampoo thinking it was leave-in-conditioner. While walking to work, it started to rain. I started to produce suds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12261

You deserved it

27981

Favorite

By Anonymous - Spain

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. The waiter brought some bread and I started eating it as I waited for him to take my order. When he approached me he looked at me and said, "Don't eat too much bread honey. It'll make you fatter." Not fat, fatter. I never thought of myself as fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47010

You deserved it

7013

Favorite

By tryingtostealmyheart

Today, a total stranger asked me to marry him while we were waiting for the bus. I turned him down. He then pulled a knife on me, grabbed my purse and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24060

You deserved it

1637

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my vegan girlfriend openly admitted that she'd let me die if she had to choose between saving my life or an animal's. She actually seemed confused as to why that upset me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35740

You deserved it

4368

Favorite

By Triedtobecool - Canada

Today, I went to buy beer underage for a party to impress a girl. I picked up the case of beer and went to the cashier, he ran it through without asking for ID. I left the store with a smirk on my face, I arrived at the party and showed the case to the girl. It was non-alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11909

You deserved it

99389

Favorite

By unfriendlyskies - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22198

You deserved it

2092

Favorite

By bad friend - United States - Monterey Park

Hissy fit incoming!

Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." Boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1794

You deserved it

308

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Boston

Affection breakdown

Today, my wife can't be bothered to do anything that isn't work, talk about her work, and sit on the sofa. Then she complains that I don't show any affection, when she can be bothered to even talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

736

You deserved it

105

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Norristown

Today, I have a stomach bug. I went to go downstairs, and my cat decided to dart between my legs, causing me to trip and fall down the stairs in a pinwheel of vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22025

You deserved it

1771

Favorite

By ohgodwhy - United States

Today, I spent hours baking an apple pie to impress my future mother-in-law. I was especially proud of the fact I'd made the crust and filling myself. When I served it to her, she picked off the crust and, between mouthfuls, bitched that it was nothing like canned pie filling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28453

You deserved it

2079

Favorite

By anonymous - United States

Today, I was on an airplane and had to go to the bathroom. The guy next to me was asleep and blocking the aisle. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he responded by punching me in the stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39204

You deserved it

3759

Favorite

By those_allergies - United States - Bend

Today, I was eating a mystery flavored candy and I had an allergic reaction. Not only did I have to go to the hospital because my throat swelled up, but I still don't know what I'm allergic to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52198

You deserved it

4304

Favorite

By NeedaNosePlug - United States

Today, I had to have a discussion with my 54-year-old mother about showering. She thinks it's perfectly OK to shower only once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27218

You deserved it

3197

Favorite

By kidswithnomanners - United States

Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32240

You deserved it

10220

Favorite

By siggit - United States

Today, I left on my honeymoon with my wife who is terrified of flying. The pilot announces incoming storms in the flight path, and the man next to me starts saying it's "probably fate" and "we all have to go sometime" and my wife goes into a full panic attack. We haven't even left the ground yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43571

You deserved it

3139

Favorite

By 0h_Boy - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my wife and I were Skyping, when she decided to put on a "show" for me. Seconds before she was about to climax, we lost internet connection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26720

You deserved it

2508

Favorite

By OH COME ON - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend on the way to the hospital to tell him I needed stitches, after my brother's dog bit me on the breast. His response? "Pics or it didn't happen." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33682

You deserved it

5532

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By Mr.Incognito-san - 19/11/2020 02:02

Are you ready to ruuuuuumbbbbbble?

Today, I heard my sisters fighting downstairs, so I went down to see what all the commotion was about. As I entered the room, one of them picked me up and threw me at the other one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

895

You deserved it

1155

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1696

You deserved it

122

Favorite

By Giggity - United States

Today, I found out that the mysterious smell from under my bed was my cats collection of dead mice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34274

You deserved it

6499

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By Anonymous

Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3425

You deserved it

410

Favorite

By Daughter of a Dork - United States - New York

Today, my dad demanded that I break up with my cheating boyfriend. With that revelation, I did some investigating on my own. The other woman is apparently my boyfriend's "cute little" Marshadow that slaughtered my dad's "godlike" Incineroar in a 3DS battle they had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2687

You deserved it

237

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend still couldn't work out where my clitoris is. It's RIGHT THERE, you idiot. I've pointed it out, but each time it's like he needs a compass and a map or something. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40523

You deserved it

12939

Favorite

By sigh - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I were starting to get in the mood. I get on top of him, lean down to kiss him, and he begins to laugh. Puzzled, I ask him why. He tells me that when I'm naked and on top of him, I remind him of a cow, with 'udders' . Offended, I go to get off. 'No no' he protests, 'a SEXY cow'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39512

You deserved it

5386

Favorite

By eddiemusicjazz - United States - Azusa

Today, a week after I lost my wallet, replaced the majority of my ID cards, canceled my debit card, and went to the DMV and paid for a replacement driver's license, I found my wallet. It was in my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9959

You deserved it

26692

Favorite

By in love with a nerd - United States

Lrn 2 Read

Today, my boyfriend refuses to talk to me because of a misread text. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1440

You deserved it

231

Favorite

By cashier - United States

Today, I was trying to clean the belt of my register at work at a grocery store. I noticed two strips of rubber stuck in the corner of the belt, and after pulling on them periodically all morning one finally came loose. It was a foot. I had been pulling at a dead rat trapped in the belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50475

You deserved it

3298

Favorite

By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 02:02

Stay classy, bro

Today, my brother got sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t even quit his game to throw up in the toilet and instead threw up straight on the carpet. It sat there for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1457

You deserved it

128

Favorite

By Spooked - United States

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself all night, was my sister's Furby she stuck in the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42283

You deserved it

7138

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 20:02

Get the hell out of Dodge

Today, I realized I'm happier and life is better when my husband isn't around. He isn't abusive, just lazy and uninvolved. We have young kids and I don't know how to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1185

You deserved it

215

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my mom put breast milk in my cereal until I was 7 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34009

You deserved it

3165

Favorite

By Broken - United States - Billerica

Today, I took my nephew to the roller rink and I broke not one arm but both. Now I can't even wipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21415

You deserved it

1770

Favorite

By bloodyfreakinawful - United States - Seabrook

Today, in class, I reached into my bag to pull out a tampon, which I hid under my sleeve so I could make a quick escape to the restroom. My teacher yelled at me, because she thought I'd taken out my phone. I then had to prove myself by showing the tampon to the whole class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37850

You deserved it

3176

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31345

You deserved it

4909

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Saint John

Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11138

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1806

Favorite

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Top comments

By panicked | 0

#287930 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 2:15

so the condoms are just piling up?
give them to hobos in need or something.

By um_duh | 0

#287924 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 2:15

Perhaps you need to get out more & find ladies you can test the product on?

If all else fails get yourself a blow up doll ;)

COMMENTS

By lissygirl | 0

#287905 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 2:13

I moderated this one! Haha sucks though.

YANKS2728 | 0

#2414589 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 6:20

hey boys check out my profile if you wanna "hook up;)"

yupitssoph | 18

#4621313 - Wednesday 27 June 2012 17:27

Haha I love finding FMLs that I've moderated.

By Manny_B92 | 0

#287909 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 2:13

Wow... it's a curse! cool 2

Crlnprz | 11

#3985272 - Friday 3 February 2012 4:34

maybe he got the job because hes such a dick. haha get it. cheesy pun no.. no? okay...

By CinderElla21 | 0

#287912 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 2:14

No need getting one then!

By um_duh | 0

#287924 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 2:15

Perhaps you need to get out more & find ladies you can test the product on?

If all else fails get yourself a blow up doll ;)

By 24788 | 6

#287928 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 2:15

Well have you been trying?

Brittaneyyy | 0

#1151151 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 5:37

#5 wow ur hot

emodude44 | 0

#2141926 - Wednesday 2 March 2011 18:43

121 wow your hot!

By panicked | 0

#287930 - Wednesday 10 June 2009 2:15

so the condoms are just piling up?
give them to hobos in need or something.

xXCrazyPersonXx | 0

#1085194 - Tuesday 13 July 2010 18:20

^WIN!!

yupitssoph | 18

#4621319 - Wednesday 27 June 2012 17:29

I say he take the giant basket of unused condoms he most likely has in his room and walk down the street and just start flinging them at random couples and hobos.